It's really getting personal

Hi ya'll. Last year I talked about doing an exhibit with my Silent Voices series in Macon GA in April of '16. (Yikes, it's been that long since writing here!) Well, turns out it was on the schedule for February! So...... this week I'm delivering 15 canvases to the 567 Center for Renewal in downtown Macon. For the folks who might be in the area, the opening reception is Friday the 5th at 6pm.

Because the exhibition is happening sooner than I had planned I'm not able to add all the pieces I had hoped to- namely the ones with the stories shared by you. I hope to continue working on and adding to this series as time goes on so I do still plan on adding your stories as another element to the show. For now I'm doing well to finish painting the last canvas along with doing the other bits and pieces required for such an event.

Here you can see bits and pieces of 4 of the canvases. 15 of these 48x36 paintings take up some space in my house!

So why am I doing this? This isn't a selling show. I do portrait commissions, teach art classes and paint landscapes that sell through galleries. What's the point of borrowing a vehicle and hauling these things to another state and then a few weeks later going back to pick them up again. The point is the heart. It's a labor of love. The point is opening minds. The point is having a voice when for the majority of time mother's voices are not only overlooked but intentionally shut down- and sometimes not in a very nice way. We're just bitter and angry old ladies after all.

For the most part though, I think people just don't know. They don't understand what infant adoption means because they've been so filled with the industry propaganda of rainbows and unicorns- adoption is beautiful don't you know? I saw a meme on Facebook today that struck me as appropriate when thinking about doing this exhibit....

The timing for that was perfect. Yesterday I was having a mini panic attack at the thought of putting these paintings out there. They are very personal and I've never shared them anywhere except here where I'm not face to face with anyone. It's easy to share on the internet. It's harder when you're looking a stranger in the eye and having to explain what the work means. I've been working on these canvases for a few years because I have to do these in between the projects that pay the bills so doing this show is a big deal for me. It's the culmination of a lot of time, tears, thought and therapy.

Another bit of timing that was perfect..... remember I said these canvases take up a lot of space? In the process of preparing I had to move things around the studio and office. The earlier canvases have been stored in front of a bookcase in my office for quite a while. Well, you know how the domino effect works. Once I moved them out of the way I had to clean out the bookcase- because I could. While I was sorting things I came across an old notebook. Only the first page had been written on.

It said....
"My roommate Lanny and I went to the drugstore down the street and bought a pregnancy test. My heart was pounding, she was trying to be supportive but all I could feel was the screaming fear pulsing in my veins. The only words going through my head were- can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be happening to me. I'm just stressed, that's why I'm late. Other little voice saying- but you've never been late before. The 'can't be' chanting continued in my head all the way back to the apartment, the hot Ft. Lauderdale sun beating me down block after block."

I have no idea when or why I wrote that. Maybe it was the very beginning of the notion that sharing would be a good idea. It just seemed to me to be the voice of my 19 year old self showing up just in time to remind me to keep going, to put on my big girl panties and deal with sharing these paintings- in person.

See you in Georgia.

An opportunity to be heard

A while ago I asked mothers of adoption loss if they would like to be included in this painting. I added their names and the birthdays of their lost children. Since then I've done a number of other paintings, written narrative poetry to go with the pieces and did a book called Silent Voices.

Now I have a wonderful opportunity to continue this series of work about adoption and share it with the public in an upcoming exhibit at the 567 Center for Renewal art center in Macon GA. The exhibit will be in April 2016. My plan for the exhibit includes 14 large paintings (13 of them are done, the birthday candle painting will be included), a series of collages and a display of boxes. My plan for the collage work is to include handwritten stories from other natural mothers and also have some sheets of paper that are blank so people visiting the exhibit can add their own voices to the display.

My dear mom friends out there.... would you be willing to add your voice to this exhibit? This is a chance to have our voices heard. Showing at an art center with an exhibit that focuses solely on adoption loss from the mother's point of view is a rare thing indeed. I'd love to include as many of you as possible. Let's share our stories. Too many people have no idea what infant adoption does to the original family.

If you would like to participate, let me know in the comments. You can leave your story in the comments too and I'll write it out on paper but I would love to have your hand, your touch on that paper and then I'll make it part of the collage. You don't have to write a long thing- a paragraph or two would be perfect. You could write about any aspect of adoption. How did losing a child to adoption impact your life? How has it affected the rest of your family? What were the circumstances around the adoption? Were you able to hold your baby before relinquishing? Was it a closed or open adoption? Did you have to keep the adoption secret? These are just a few ideas.....

We can get in touch through email or you can message me on FB and thank you, thank you, thank you! I hope you'll consider adding your words. It would make the exhibit so much more powerful!

Am I a hero?

This post got me thinking.... am I a hero?

What does a hero look like? Does it look like a woman who is pregnant, young and not at all sure about what comes next? Does it look like someone who surrendered to pressure because she didn't have the finances or the strength to back her up? Does it look like someone who surrendered to the pressure of family and church because those people believed that having a child outside of "wedlock" was morally wrong and the child is then illegitimate and doesn't deserve to be included in the family? Does it look like someone who didn't have anywhere else to turn? Does that make me a hero?

According to the woman who wrote that post, we- meaning the mothers who bore children and were unable to keep those children-, we are heroes. What's wrong with that picture?

Not having choices does not make anyone a hero. It makes them simply choiceless. It makes them people who are doing what they have to do to survive. It makes them people who have to carry on in the face of grief that they're expected to live with regardless of how other people view the situation or how horrendous that grief is. It makes them people who carry on even though they want to just curl up in a ball and die.

Like the woman who wrote that post, the woman who adopted my daughter thanked me one day for giving her the gift of my daughter. I replied with- "she wasn't a gift, I didn't give her willingly. I was forced" There was silence on the other end of the phone. The subject was quickly changed.

Adopters are saviors and first mothers are heroes. This is what the adoption industry would have us believe. This is what they bank on. This is what keeps the bottom line healthy.

Coming to Terms

I read a blog post the other day. As Rebecca was triggered by Christine Murphy's book Taking Down the Wall, I'm triggered by Rebecca's post, not only as an adoptee but as a first/natural/birth mother. It was a difficult post to read. My adoptee status is different from most of my sisters at Lost Daughters. I'm a late discovery step-parent adoptee. It's not quite the same as what my dear sisters have had to deal with in their lives. I was raised by the woman who birthed me but at the same time, that same woman was the deciding factor in me losing my own daughter to adoption.

I know some adoptees have a hard time with that phrase - "losing a child to adoption". How do you lose a child that you surrendered? It's a legitimate question from where they stand. I can understand their problem with it. Intellectually, you can know about the coercion that happened to us yet at the same time, aren't parents, mothers in particular, supposed to move mountains to care for their children? I know as a mother, I would move mountains to do what I needed to save or help my children. But - why couldn't I move that particular adoption mountain out of the way of my oldest daughter's life? What was holding me back? My age, my unwed status, my upbringing, my parents, my naivete, my insecurity, my fear, my church - these were the obstacles that were too much for me to overcome at that time in my life.

Rebecca says....

"This anger is not an entirely new concept for me. I've acknowledged it before and identified it as "the baby rage." I've long been aware of its existence and intensity. I've simply never allowed myself to acknowledge its direction: my original mother and father."

I understand Rebecca's anger. I also have "the baby rage" toward my own original father. He certainly didn't "lose" me. He looked at me and walked away willingly and permanently. How could he just walk away from me - an innocent baby? I'm told that he never held me - only looked down at me in the crib. I'm told that his first words about me when he saw me in the hospital were "she's so ugly". He wanted nothing to do with  me. How can a man who fathered a child be that way? How could he? He failed me.

"I am angry because they didn’t fight for me. I am angry that they didn’t rise up and rage against the system that was tearing us apart. I’m angry that they didn’t realize what was truly being lost until it was too late. I am angry that they allowed themselves to be tricked into believing it would all be okay. Because it wasn’t and it never will be. Not entirely."

Just as I had no choice in whether or not I had my original father in my life, my daughter had no choices when she was born. I left her behind in that hospital, unseen and unnamed. Yes, I take the blame for not being there for my daughter. I feel the guilt daily for not being stronger and fighting harder for my daughter. I feel the guilt daily for not screaming at the nurses with their BFA protocol, the ones who took her from me in the delivery room and didn't let me near her. I feel the guilt daily of not standing up to my own mother when she told me that I couldn't bring a baby back to her house. I feel the guilt daily of signing the relinquishment forms that Catholic Social Services pushed in front of me as I sat there sobbing. I feel the guilt daily of not reaching out to others who might have helped me keep my daughter. I feel the guilt daily of what all this means for the relationship between my children as siblings and I feel the guilt of being the cause of the baby rage in my daughter.

"The baby me has no interest in the rationalizations of grown-ups. 

She is raging mad--and she has every right to be so!"

My daughter has every right to be angry with me and not be interested in my rationalizations. As an adult she says she understands and doesn't blame me but I certainly couldn't blame her if she does feel this "baby rage". She may very well feel it but may not want to express it to me. I may never know if this rage has kicked her in the gut and I'll just have to live with that possibility.

Over the years I've learned to come to terms with the guilt and it doesn't sting as badly as it used to. I'm sorry for what I've caused my daughter and I've learned to forgive the 19 year old me for not being able to fight harder, not being able to put my foot down and defy everyone. I've worked hard at being here for my daughter in the last 11 years of reunion and will continue to be here for her. Actually it hasn't felt like work at all. I spent so long looking for her that it feels more like relief. It's such a relief to call her my daughter and tell everyone about her. It's a relief to say I have 3 children instead of 2 and it's a joy to have her and her children in my life.

Did I "lose" my daughter to adoption? Yes I did. It was a forced, closed adoption. I had no choice at that time but my daughter was the one left behind and truly voiceless so I understand if there's a part of her that rages and it's ok if the rage is directed at me. I was afraid to use my voice but she was too young to use hers. What I can do is accept my part in it and I can feel better about being here for her now. It's also ok for me to direct rage at the man who walked out of my life and never looked back. He didn't try to know me. He never tried to find me even though it would have been easy for him to do so. For him there really are no rationalizations and I think that's why I haven't tried to find him. Why would I look for someone who obviously didn't want to be found?

My baby rage is directed toward my father but a different kind of rage is directed toward my mother. That's where a lot of my work is yet to be done. I've worked on forgiving myself yet I have a very hard time forgiving the woman who turned away her daughter and grandchild. Even after 34 years it's a rage that can blindside me. Many, many first mothers deal with this same issue and I've written about it before. It's an ongoing process that I'll continue to work on for the sake of my health and my family.

All we can do as adoptees and as mothers is work on mending ourselves and hopefully in the process we can connect with our families.

Random thoughts on thankfulness......

Memories. A lot of them have been flooding back recently. Last month one of my Facebook friends  mentioned a folder next to the messages Inbox that said "other". I didn't know that this folder existed. It was there but I never noticed it before. I decided to check it out and see what was in there. It said I had 99+ messages. Most of them were from pages I had "liked" or people I had some kind of connection with. What possesses FB to just randomly dump messages into another folder? I don't know but it pissed me off! As I was scrolling down the list I discovered a name of someone I hadn't seen in 33 years. The message was sent to me over a year ago and I'm only now seeing it. That's just plain wrong. Facebook was mucking about in my personal life. Ok, yeah, I know it's free and I do love FB. I'm just grumbling because I've missed out on a full year of communicating with this person because THEY decided that the message belonged in "other".

Anyway, this is someone I dated, in what seems like eons ago. He doesn't want to hear that it's decades but it actually is. If you've read my blog from the beginning then you've probably figured out the timeline. My daughter is 32 years old. No it's not my daughter's father, it's someone I dated shortly before meeting my daughter's father.We had dated when I attended our community college, before attending art school. He moved away and the romantic relationship ended but the friendship didn't. This is someone who was there for me when I had no one else. This is someone who, upon finding out about my pregnancy, asked me to come visit him so I could get away from the situation for just a little while. He was someone who cared.

He was attending a very conservative school at the time. He was concerned about what I was going through and not about what other people would think of me being there - in my very pregnant condition. He was the opposite of what I was dealing with. I was about to lose my firstborn child because of what society and the "neighbors" would think yet, there he was, doing his best to make me comfortable no matter what anyone said about him. There was talk I'm sure. I figured the rumor mill was working overtime. I worried about what people were saying about him. I stayed in the girl's dorm during the week of my visit. The looks I got! Omg...you'd think the devil had moved to town. Did it faze him? No. He didn't care and that's exactly what I needed at the time.

He said to me the other day that he worried about me after I left from that visit and he wished that he could have done more for me. I don't know what that would have been. Some would say that a 22 year old college student doesn't know much about the world but from my perspective now, he knew a hell of a lot more than the adults around me did. He knew about the need for living in the moment. He knew about living for what's important and not for what other people think of you. He knew about the importance of connections and family. He knew what it meant to be there for someone.

My connection with him didn't change the outcome of the situation, I still lost my daughter to adoption but that was certainly not from any lack on his part. It pains me to think that he would feel any guilt or responsibility for the situation. As a matter of fact, I think at that point Catholic Charities had already gotten me to sign the adoption consent. They had me sign a consent for adoption when I was only 6 months pregnant - illegal, by the way and not just by today's laws. He did his best to help me and I will always love him for that. My point is... there are people in your life that you should cherish. There are 2 men in my life who understand me more than anyone. One was there for me when I was pregnant and the other was there for me after I lost my daughter. Both of them are cherished. Both of them mean the world to me. The first one was in my life for just a brief moment in time and now has another life, a life he loves and I'm so happy for him. I'm fortunate that I get to share part of that life again thanks to the internet. Ok yes, thanks to Facebook even though they pissed me off.....  The second one is the man I married. We've been married for 31 years and thanks to him I'm relatively sane :) Thank you to both of them. I don't know that surviving the loss of a child would have been possible without them.

Trigger is more than a horse.....

As a child growing up I would hear the word Trigger and I would think of the horse that Roy Rogers rode.

I had no idea that the word would have such a different meaning for me now. Earlier today I watched The Good-bye Room. It was an episode of Cold Case and it was first aired 5 years ago. In this show a case re-opened where a 17 year old girl was murdered just one day after giving birth to her baby girl in a home for unwed mothers. I sobbed through a good portion of the show. It was hugely triggering for me.

My situation wasn't exactly like the girl in the show but it was close enough. Yep, I got sent away like the character on the show.  Yes, it was through Catholic Social Services like the characters on the show. Yes, I labored alone like the character on the show. Yes, it was devastating like the characters on the show. No, I didn't murder anyone like the character on the show but my reaction to the show definitely shows how strong the emotional pull can be when it comes to adoption.

I've been thinking about this because my family has been planning a reunion for the summer of 2013 and today is the deadline for getting the deposit in for the location. Normally, that would be great. My problem lies in the fact that some of the family (the main ones planning this event) are adopters and some other family members think that I'm full of crap when I talk about how I feel about adoption. Those were their words, not mine. My opinion of adoption is according the them.... "total crap". 

Now when it comes to this issue some people are saying... "don't let this be the one thing that keeps you from going to the reunion." or "you might feel that way now, but you may feel differently a year from now."

Ok, fine. Maybe I'll feel differently later but, honestly, right now, I just can't see dealing with it. I recently read a blog post by Myst on with the show and I really connected with the last paragraph of the post... 

"If you are looking to adopt, please re-examine why and ask yourself if you would rather build up a family than tear one down. If you are hurting from infertility, I am very, very sorry for your loss. Truly I am. But I urge you to ask yourself why would you want another woman to suffer because you have? You may be able to relate to the words of this song as well however please do not be responsible for making these words someone else's reality. It is not our responsibility. We did not cause anyone's infertility so please do not create a mother of loss. It is a circle that will only ever bring pain and heartbreak in the long run."

It is a huge trigger when you see photos of a child that has been adopted at birth and taken from her family of origin. Every time I see a photo of that child, all I can think of is the mother of that child and what she must be going through. Yes, I know, there will be people who say that maybe that mother really didn't want her child. I know. BUT.... knowing what I know about the adoption industry and it's methods of coercion, how do I know that the mother of that child is not suffering like I've suffered. How do I know she wasn't coerced out of her baby girl like I was. How do I know that this sweet little girl isn't going to grow up with the pain of an adoptee wondering who she is and where she came from. Yeah, I could take the positive road and say that it wasn't coercion that brought that child to my family members but do I really believe it? No. I've learned too much about the industry. I can no longer live with the "head in the sand" approach to adoption. 

Some of the people encouraging me to go to the reunion really mean well and I appreciate that but they have no idea just how deep and how hard this issue is for me. For a while, I thought, maybe I'm over reacting, but after viewing that episode of Cold Case I realize, no, I'm not. There really are things that are extreme triggers to emotional events. Seeing my family members and their cavalier attitudes towards adoption, even though they know my history with it, is very triggering and very difficult to deal with. Do I want to spend a vacation dealing with that? 

No. That's how I'm feeling right now so any decision regarding a family reunion will just have to wait - deadline or no deadline.

Please don't thank me!

"Thank you for my child" This is one of those statements that makes me want to hurl. I see it all the time on adoptive parent sites and articles about adoption like this one. In this situation the adoptive mother says that the reason the natural parents of this little boy was surrendering their rights to him was because they couldn't afford a second child. Then she says...

"On the way to the hospital, only silence. The couple was so excited, but the two couldn’t express their feelings with words. So they stayed quiet during the car ride. The two knew the mother could change her mind at any time, and that her family did not want her to place the baby for adoption."

This child has extended family that want to be with him. They don't want to lose this little person who shares their DNA, who is part of their family. If they're expressing their desire for the mother to keep the baby then maybe they would be willing to help the mother. Yes, I know that this is ultimately the decision of the mother and father of that child, not the decision of the extended family but what I want to know is... were the parents coerced by an agency? Will they regret this in a very big way and regret it soon? 

Another thing I'm seeing online is people complaining that there's so much coercion going on in the other direction, meaning women being coerced into keeping their children. Frankly I have a hard time imagining anyone being coerced to keep their own baby. I know there are some mothers out there who really don't want their children. They do exist but I'll bet they are few and far between. In my case, all it would have taken was one sentence from my family - bring her home, we'll handle this together - that's it. Seven little words would have made all the difference in the world for so many lives.

"The baby was in a little bassinette next to her. I thought, ‘Oh no, the baby is right next to her.’ But then she said, ‘There he is.’ And so I walked over to her first and I hugged her. Then I went around to the bassinette.

“I peeked in, and I saw him. Oh, I just melted. I thought, ‘That’s my son.’ Like there, that’s him. He’s ours. And so at that point the papers aren’t signed yet. She has 24 to 48 hours to change her mind. But I picked him up and I held him."

My first thought here was - no, that's not your son, that's her son. 'Oh no, the baby is right next to her' - that tells me that her first thought was fear. Fear that if the mother got too close to her own baby she might change her mind. And, she only has 24 to 48 hours to change her mind - something else that is morally and ethically wrong with adoption as it is now.

This entire article was about the wants of this adopting couple without any regard whatsoever for the child OR the natural family.

“We got back to the hospital and Hannah meets us downstairs. She tells me that the birth mom was upstairs crying. She said that was the first time she ever saw her cry, and she said the birth mom looked down over Mason and she cried over him, and, um, that was sad. Because I thought, I could never give up my child.”

While telling the story, Rachel wiped tears from her cheeks. The memory is intensely sad to this woman who waited so long to have the chance to be a mother.

and, um, that was sad. Because I thought, I could never give up my child.”  

"That was sad."

"I could never give up my child."

Then why are you asking this mother to do it? What is it that's happening in your mind that makes it ok for you to put your needs ahead of this child's right to be with his mother. What is it in your mind that makes it ok for you to take a newborn baby away from his mother while she cries her heart out in agony? Do you think that your desire to be a mother is more important than the connection between this little baby and his mother? Apparently so. The author of this article thinks it's intensely sad for this woman who waited so long to be a mother. I'm sorry. I'm having a bit of trouble sympathizing with the author or the adoptive mother right now. What about the sadness of the natural mother and the pain she'll be dealing with for the rest of her life? What about the sadness of this child who has lost an entire family?

From this mother of adoption loss, I don't want to hear 'thank you'. 

Un *&^%$#*believable, or maybe not.

Just watched this video. It sickens me. As much as I don't want this man to have any more exposure for what he's spewing, I have to share this so other people know what kind of attitudes are out there and what we're up against.

He says...."Low adoption rates can be attributed to a lack of adoption education". To solve this serious problem he wants his state of PA to institute a policy requiring that a unit be taught in public schools that promote "adoption as a positive family building option". Apparently one of the points he would like them to touch on is that the financial barriers to adoption have been overcome with good legislation and the adoption tax credit.

He's also indicating that adoption promo education is needed to balance out the poor representation of adoption in the media. The biggest problem he sees in adoption isn't the economic aspect of agencies charging tens of thousands of dollars for babies, but the poor perception of adoption created by the media. The example he gives of this - an article about adoptees using DNA testing to find their natural families. According to him the article insinuates that the adoptive family is not the "real" family. By using this as an example he is insinuating that adoptees don't have the right to know their own natural families.

"Lack of adoption is a serious issue concerning all of us" His lack of knowledge about the realities of adoption is a serious concern if he's going to be proposing that the public school system teach children that when they grow up they should buy children to "build" their families.

I wish people like this would put their energy into being concerned about poverty or child abuse. How about working on the cause of children losing their original families? Adoption is a TRAGEDY, not a miracle. Of course it's really not unbelievable that these attitudes are out there. His attitude is the result of the adoption promotion he wants to see more of.

BFA

Fractured and broken in shades of grey.

The stories are sealed, the secrets not lies.

A life hidden and changed,

kept in tidy boxes so as not to disturb

the shining image of others.

Black on red, the letters controlled.

The signs were there, sending two lives down different roads.

One life unknown, the other unseen.

Imagination and grief hold hands under the mask

until the friction chafes and burns

with the once a year flame.

The lids break open, the cracks widen.

The flames get higher, the ash deepens.

Take cover

Let the fire heal and the wounds return

to the soothing shadows.

But....

Over at iAdoptee I saw a list of blogs written by adoptive moms. I want to share this list because yesterday, in my last post I mentioned the lack of compassion in adoptive parents. That sense of entitlement is there in soooo many cases. The wanting of a baby can become so fierce that it seems to blind people to the damage that adoption does and the unethical practices that still exist. But.... there are a few adoptive parents who care about the consequences of adoption on children and their original families. They care about adoptees and their rights. Here's a sampling of what these moms have to say.

"One thing that I saw clearly these past two weeks is the irrefutable was the way the deck is stacked in favor of the adoptive parents at the expense of the parents who brought the child into the world.   I know that there are adoptive parents who loudly proclaim they are the real parents and they want the paperwork to show that. 

 But at what cost to the child and first family? 

 Adoptees have two sets of parents and if you, as an adoptive parent, can't deal with that. maybe adoption isn't for you."  ~ I Will Pull This Blog Over!

"Because of the privilege at our backs, I think we as adoptive parents have an obligation to work to leave space for and draw attention to first parent and adoptee voices, especially those who expose adoption's complexities and dangers." ~ Production Not Reproduction

"As a grandmother, I don't have a lot of years left to fight for open records. How sweet it would be if more of the younger generation would take an active role in overturning archaic (since the 1930s) laws that deny a minority group their birthright." ~ Adoption Talk

"2) Adoptions frequently occur as a result of a lack of resources (money, housing, etc.) on the part of the biological parents. Adoption moves one person (the adoptee) into a situation in which some of his or her basic needs can be better met but does not examine the larger social and political issues at work. It is a tragedy, and a societal failure, when biological parents cannot raise their children because of lack of resources, but the seeming "fix" of adoption prevents us from seeing it as such.

3) Coercion of first mothers: I wish I could say this was a thing of the past, but it's not. Too many women dealing with unplanned pregnancies still find themselves pressured, and even manipulated, into relinquishment."  ~ Love is Not a Pie

"Because In the history of the world, no one ever washed a rental car. We care only about what we own.

I heard this phrase yesterday in a radio interview with Aaron David Miller. The subject was peace in the Middle East, but it struck me immediately how applicable this phrase was to adoptee rights. It makes me really angry to observe how nonplussed the majority of lawmakers are about adoptee rights, and I think this little phrase offers at least a part of the explanation." ~ Third Mom

Define compassion

I know exactly how Susie feels.... In her recent post she talks about the label she's given sometimes - "anti-adoption". I imagine that's what people think I am too. I really don't care. I don't care about the label itself. What I do care about is whether or not the people who say that really understand WHY I feel the way I do.

"I honestly do not understand how people don't see the terrible wrongs in infant adoption. 

I honestly don't understand how a woman could watch a new mother crying over losing her child, yet think it's "the right thing". 

I will never understand a prospective parent being angry that a mother and child are able to stay together.  Yes ~ I understand that their hopes of finally being a parent themselves are dashed.  But to be angry at a mother for deciding to parent her baby ~ the baby that she has nurtured in her womb for nine months?  The baby that she has been agonizing over for the last several months?  The baby that she loves more than life itself?  Is their grief so deep that they no longer have any compassion?  Could that prospective mother and/or father really feel good about taking the baby from the mother if she wasn't 100% sure that she did not want to raise the baby herself?" 


In this post I mention my 'anti' and 'pro' lists regarding infant adoption. Like Susie says above, I have a hard time understanding how people can possibly think it's a good thing when a mother and child are separated. Well, we really do know why.... it's because the first thought for the agency or the adoptive parent is what's in it for them. I think she nailed it when she said they no longer have any compassion. Compassion is what's missing. Feeling compassion would mean feeling the other person's pain. It would mean not thinking of their own need for money in the case of the industry or parenthood in the case of the couple.

compassion - the humane quality of understanding the suffering of others and wanting to do something about it

If compassion were really felt by those involved in adoption, there would actually be very few adoptions. The work being done would be to help alleviate the root of the problem in most infant adoptions - lack of support for the mother and poverty. I googled the word compassion so I could post the definition. See above. Then I saw the thesaurus listing below. Even in an online dictionary site adoption is mentioned as an example - are you kidding me!? How ironic that it's mentioned in connection with the word compassion. To me, money isn't the root of evil, lack of compassion is. We've all been guilty of it at one point or another, in big ways and small. We see it every day in the way we judge and label each other. But, in adoption, an entire industry is built on a lack of compassion while painting itself as the very definition of it.

compassionateness

heartstrings - your deepest feelings of love and compassion; "many adoption cases tug at the heartstrings"

fellow feeling, sympathy - sharing the feelings of others (especially feelings of sorrow or anguish)

tenderheartedness, tenderness - warm compassionate feelings

mercifulness, mercy - the feeling that motivates compassion

Where is the compassion for the mother who is grieving the loss of her child? Where is the compassion for the child who is losing not only a mother, but an entire family? Open adoption - you say? No. Most of them close at some point. How is it good for a child to be told that his mother surrendered him to adoption because she "loves" him? Of course she loves him but is that really the reason why? What kind of picture does that paint for the child?  How does the child internalize that? If the adoption does remain open, what does he think when his natural mother visits him and then goes home to raise her other children but doesn't take him with her? What does that do to a little one's heart? I still have only one thing on my 'pro' list. That's where the compassion lies. Lack of compassion is what caused the long 'anti' list.


My 'anti' list.....
mothers and babies being separated unnecessarily.
agencies and brokers making tens of thousands of dollars on the sale of babies
price lists for babies - oh, pardon me.... "situations"
pro-adoption language like the word "situations"
college scholarships for mothers who surrender their children for adoption
organizations like NCFA who lobby for the brokers
the lies of open adoption
the unenforceable open adoption
the time frames in which a mother can sign surrender papers
the ridiculously short revocation period for the mother - in many cases, the non-existent revocation period.
agencies advertising for and recruiting pregnant women
PAP's advertising for babies 
pre-birth matching
PAP's in the hospital with a mother when she's giving birth
the connection between abortion and adoption
adoption used as solution by pro-lifers
adoption used as solution to poverty
the lack of resources for mothers and children
the sense of entitlement that many PAP's have
adoption being viewed as a solution to infertility
adoptees not having access to their own personal history
sealed original birth certificates


My 'pro' list.
true orphans or children in need being taken care of by a family

Young & unmarried = abuse & neglect?

Amanda at The Declassified Adoptee did another great post. Click the link to read the rest.

"Saying "I support Adoptee Rights" does not mean I left off the phrase "....because I hate everyone else in the triad, have no regard or respect for anyone else, and want the universe to revolve around me!" (Yeah, NCFA, I'm referring to you).  Being "Pro-Adoptee" does not mean that one is "anti-anyone else" any more than being "pro-woman" means I hate men (another stereotype).  I'd like to think that being pro-adoptee and pro-adoptee rights would make me pro-everyone else because, hopefully, everyone else cares for and wants to advocate for those adoptees just the same as I do."


I would also hope that everyone else advocates for the adoptee but sadly when I see open adoptions close I realize that isn't the case. Sometimes it seems like pure selfishness and other times it's a case of believing what the adoption industry says. When adoptive parents keep a newborn baby for themselves even though soon after the birth and surrender, they find out that the mother regrets the adoption and wants her child, that is not advocating for the  adoptee or the mother. It's only advocating for themselves. Who makes that possible? The industry. The business makes it possible because they've worked hard at making sure the revocation period in adoption is little to none. In my own state of FL there is no revocation period. The industry also makes it possible because they only advocate for the adoptive parents. Just like any other business, if you want to know where the interests lie, follow the money. Adoption consent can be signed by the mother only 48 hours after the birth and there is no changing her mind. You have more time than that when buying a house or a car yet making a lifelong decision such as adoption, that affects so many people's lives, can be done in an instant with no going back.


Sadly too many people in our society believe whatever the industry tells them. "Those babies are just going to end up in foster care anyway" I heard this from one of my own family members. This is someone who knows my history with adoption loss. Does he think that my daughter would have ended up in foster care? I don't know, I certainly hope he doesn't think that. I asked him that question but he didn't answer it. He's bought into the story of adoption vs. abuse and neglect, if a woman is young and unmarried, it's assumed she'll be abusive. He bought into it because he has a sibling who adopted a newborn. For some to admit that there is a real problem with newborn infant adoption, it would mean admitting that what they've held to be true isn't and how they acted on that belief actually caused harm instead of it being the "saving" act they thought it was. It's a very difficult and sad thing to see this situation in my own family when I'm sickened by what the industry does and how it treats babies and their mothers.


Hanging on to the stereotypes allow people to cling to the comfort of their beliefs without having to question their own motives. Stereotypes do abound and thanks to people like Amanda, who writes brilliantly, maybe these ideas will get chipped away little by little. 

Happy Birthday

Today is my oldest daughter's birthday and this week marks 10 years since we reunited. You would think that after 10 years a person would get used to the feeling of waking up and just being happy about their child's birthday. I know that seems like a weird thing to say and don't get me wrong, of course I'm over the moon that I have her in my life and I'm thrilled that I can actually say Happy Birthday to her. The difference for us, meaning us mothers who have lost children to adoption, is there doesn't seem to be a way to shut off completely the emotion of what those birthdays meant for so long. Or maybe it's just me and I'm making an assumption that other reunited mothers feel this way.

For the first 22 years of her life her birthday meant incredible pain. The entire month was about grieving. It's like the loss that I had to hide the rest of the year came ripping to the surface, broke through and destroyed me. The only way to get through it was to cry my eyes out until I was swollen with grief yet felt shriveled and wrinkled like a dried out dishrag.

Those years are no more but there still remains the remnants of what they did to me. It's like a muscle memory. It's an automatic reaction. The memories come back to haunt and make the day bitter sweet. Right now my focus is to be thankful that I can look back and say those years are behind me now and hopefully I can continue to look forward to many more Aprils when I can say Happy Birthday dear Liz.

Mothers in Exile

Hidden in shame, lies are told

about us, by us.

Gratitude for sacrifice slams the door.

Our motherhoods removed 

they think, they wish.

Behind the door our hearts beat, our arms empty, we wait.

Our children grow, we search and find.

Sometimes good, sometimes sad

but still we sit.......

Huddled together, a group outside.

The mainstream flows, comforted in their easy belief.

We push against the current hoping to get through.

Again the door slams shut.

Again we lean a little harder.

A small wave of light escapes from beneath.

Our stories are read.

Replies come fast and furious to put us in our place.

"just because you had a bad experience" they said.

Behind the door the words get larger.

Through mothers in exile silent voices heard.

No Promises

The discussion regarding opening the records of adoptees and giving them the same rights as every other citizen continues. I recently listened to a radio show on this topic and I planned on doing a post about it from the natural mothers perspective but today I saw a post by Amanda at The Declassified Adoptee that was so spot on and eloquent that there really wasn't much I could add. Amanda - you're amazing! If you want to listen to the show I'm referencing, Amanda linked to it in her post.

The only other thing I could add is that from my point of view, listening to others speak for natural mothers grates on me the same way it grates on adoptees to have others speak for them. In my case I'm both so it's doubly irritating. In this instance one of the guests on the show felt that there was some danger in adoptees having access to information regarding their birth because of the risk of outing a mother who had surrendered a child. She was perpetuating the myth of mothers being promised anonymity. Once again as mothers we have to step up and say we were promised NOTHING! We were the ones told not to go looking for our children. We were essentially told to disappear into the woodwork, crawl under a rock, go away, pretend it never happened, go have other babies, leave this one alone or you'll damage the child, stay away, don't ask for anything or you're considered selfish, don't interfere, and so on and so on.

I'm here to say once again, I didn't want to be a secret from my own daughter. I didn't want anonymity. I wanted to be able to tell anyone who would listen that I had a daughter. I didn't want to hide away in a maternity home. I wanted her. I wanted her back from the moment I lost her. I spent every day for 22 years looking for her. If she had found me first I would have been shouting it from the rooftops. So to the people who have not walked in my shoes yet they think they can speak for me, to be perfectly blunt - SHUT THE HELL UP! No one has the right to tell adults who they can and can't associate with. No one has the right to keep an adult's personal information a secret from them.

In my opinion, as a mother of adoption loss and as an adoptee, the adoptee's right to know who they are and where they come from trumps anyone else's desire to keep secrets. As a child the adoptee had no say in the matter about a contract affecting them. As an adult an adoptee should have everything to say about that contract.

History Waiting

Grief in waves, lungs fill, water pours, breathing stops.

Sitting alone in the dark, wicker creaks beneath, wine glass drips condensation

in time with tears.

Clouds cover moon and darkness deepens.

Thoughts pass and flow from despair to hope and back again.

A shadow at the back screen door, silhouetted by 6 bright bulbs of the chandelier,

looks out wondering why?

Hiding in the dark of midnight waiting for the shadow to retreat so the sounds of sadness

don't have to be swallowed whole.

32 years, when does it end?

The graft is still tied to the stranger branch, being held back but yearning for the original, tongue tied,

arms released but still struggling against invisible restraints.

The roots are still and waiting, wishing, sending thoughts on the breeze heading north.

Keeping it light, texting a smile, another week goes by.

Expectations

My forearms brace, I rest my temple against the cool tiles.
The memories cascade as hot water runs down my back.

Off white, ecru, eggshell, ivory, every shade but lily. Lily was reserved for the good.
The girls who knew their place, the girls who stayed closed.
Standing firm and bright was just a facade.
The golden strands of faith tarnished.

I believed they would hold me up.
I believed the generation before me.
As the incense burned and the wafer melted I trusted.
Verses droned on and beads clicked.

Bless me father, I am not worthy.
The golden strands wrapped and smothered til the breath was gone along with my child.
The water runs cold.

Sharing

This is an important post.

One of the things they said to me was "You will continue on like nothing ever happened" and "This won't affect anyone else".  


Natural mothers know this isn't true. We also know how much losing a child to adoption affects the rest of the family for generations. We see it. The rest of society needs to see it too.

Missing Pieces

Mothers wait. The faces are blank.

Year after year searching the eyes on the street wondering if her color matches, her size matches, her voice matches the long ago cry from delivery.

There are no eyes.

Every dream ends with emptiness.

She skips through the chambers of her mother's heart into the arms of another, unaware of her journey.

She doesn't know her face was erased for another who longs for her.

She doesn't know that under the same sky another waits and wonders and worries.

Another, as hard as she tries, can't conjure the features that they share. She tries to imagine the small voice calling momma.

A PAP is asking....

I just read a blog post that made me smile. That's something I needed too. I've been having a hard time with the whole spirit of Christmas thing this year. Just not feeling it. The last few months have been an emotional struggle for a variety of reasons. That's why I haven't been posting here much. It's also why I haven't been reading much about adoption. There's only so much heartbreak I can handle before I have to take a step back, take a breather and then jump in again. Anyway, last night I finally got lights on the Christmas tree and my son and granddaughter come over to help me decorate. What a great time I had showing a little 18 month old how to put ornaments on the branches. Watching her toddle back and forth between the box of ornaments and the tree while learning to say the name of each one was such a kick! Nothing like an adorable little girl to light up my spirit again.

So back to the post that made me smile..... A PAP was asking where the babies are.

"We have her name picked out. We are ready to go. Except for one thing..... there are no babies up for adoption with either agency. There are not even any pregnant women/girls considering adoption with either agency. HUH????"

I think that's the first time I've read something adoption related that made me want to go woo hoo!! There are no babies available? The supply dried up? Excellent! I can just hear the agencies now...the demand is there so why aren't they producing? We have families here ready to give us a lot of money! Families have taken second mortgages, held fund raisers, borrowed and begged from friends and family, paid for advertising, did the home studies, taken cute photos with their dogs and picket fences, filled out tons of paperwork and yet there's no product to buy.

Yesterday someone asked me - but what about the couples who can't have children and want them? My response to my friend was "that doesn't entitle them to someone else's baby". So, what about those couples? They should have no bearing whatsoever on the issue of newborn infant adoption. I know that may sound harsh and my friend probably thought I sounded harsh too but as another friend said - "If someone lost their leg in an accident that doesn't mean it's someone else's job to cut off their leg and give it to them." Yes, there is a lot of pain for these waiting couples. I understand that and I'm sure most of them are perfectly wonderful and loving people. But, their wants do drive the market and the agencies are there ready and willing to give these couples that sense of entitlement. The agency is anxious to hold their hand and feign concern all the while taking lots of money from their other hand.

"I had a long conversation with my adoption coordinator last week. She is just as stunned in the low number of adoptions as we are. While I hope that number is lowering for positive reasons, it's hard to say. When I asked her what she thinks may be a contributing factor to such few children being placed for adoption, she said the MTV show "16 & Pregnant" is definitely NOT helping by glamorizing teen parents."

Really? Does she really think that a TV show is causing the number of available babies to drop? I also hope it's dropping for positive reasons. Reasons like better education about birth control, more people seeing through the lies of the agencies, more education about the damage that separating a mother and child does to both mother and child, more families stepping up and helping their family members, more people fighting for family preservation.

"Our only real conviction is that we are to adopt a GIRL. My dreams have been about a girl. I want another girl. Our boys want a girl. My baby girl wants a girl. My husband just wants me to be happy. So we are unanimous on the "girl" part."

It's all about what they want. Their wants have blinded them to the tragedy that's at the heart of how adoption comes about. Their gain begins with a terrible loss for an entire family. Wishing for babies to be free for adoption means wishing for other people to grieve for a lifetime. The news that there are no babies available at 2 agencies is sad for this woman but encouraging to me. It's another little something to lift my spirits this holiday season.