Oh the irony....

The picture below was posted on Talk About Adoption's Facebook page.

Along with this picture they posted the paragraphs below. 

It’s not just crucial for adoption agencies to be honest and ethical; it’s important for any adoption company, business or facilitator to be honest in their practices, transactions and in their words. That could even include birth moms, adoptees, and adoptive parents who make money off of transactions related to adoption. It’s important who we say we are, who (or what) we support, and how we present ourselves in and outside the adoption realm.

Why? Because adoption is already complicated. It’s not just filled with people who are grateful for the option of adoption; it’s also filled with those who are hurt and searching for someone to trust and help them heal. It’s also a community for those who are looking for adoption resources that align with their own personal or moral beliefs. The adoption triad must hold one another accountable in good faith and with the right motives so that we can unite together to make things better... It takes a village. Just be honest.

#TalkAboutAdoption #Honesty #Integrity #ProLove #ProLife #OpenAdoption #AdoptionoverAbortion #Lovethemboth #ChooseWisely #Birthmoms #AdoptionTriad

The first thing I thought was - ethical adoption agencies? It's difficult to imagine such a thing. They used the words "company" and "business". What do companies and businesses have to do to keep the doors open? They have to make money. The adoption system is largely unregulated so how can making money and children changing hands be done ethically?

There are several problems with this post but the things that really got me were "the adoption triad must hold one another accountable" and "just be honest". Really?? 

I commented on that post:

One woman replied with the usual #notall. I explained a bit more saying that I was speaking specifically of domestic infant adoption. Then she asked if I knew this from experience and I said I did and I personally knew many, many others with the same kind of experience. Her only reply was "ok".

When I went back to see if anyone else had commented on that post I saw that my comment and the entire thread was deleted. And I was blocked from the page. How's that for irony! 

Just be honest they said. Sure. But only if you're super happy about adoption! Just spew the usual rainbows and butterflies version and then we'll listen to you and your "honesty". 

Funny how they want us to "talk about adoption" but only if we say the words they want us to say. 

A Meme and a Prayer

I came across this meme online. It was first on Twitter, you can see the Twitter handle of the person who wrote it, @ihateadoption. I thought it was a brilliant bit of satire but apparently many people are very upset by it. I shared it on my IG page and then I saw it posted on FB. A lot of the people commenting on the post were very upset by what it says calling it sick, evil, written by a troll, terrible, disgusting, distorted, revolting, offensive, nasty, horrible, selfish, atrocious, and "it must have been written by a cold evil propaganda drama causing monster". Every one of those adjectives was taken from the comment thread on this meme.

Some assumed it was written by an angry and bitter first/birth mom. It was actually written by an adoptee. You know - the one who is supposed to be happy and grateful. What many of these folks don't see is the satire. They assume it's saying that this is how adoptive parents actually pray. They're taking it literally when they should be looking at what's behind the words.

I also commented on that thread...

It does sound very sick. But aren't those the things that happen in order for a mother to relinquish? If they're praying to adopt a newborn then in essence that's what they're wishing to happen.

No, I don't believe that adopters says these words when they pray. They don't say it consciously. In many cases they're lied to just like the expectent mom is lied to by the adoption agency. They believe what they're told because that's what they want to believe. If they believe then maybe they can get what they want. It's easy to set aside any doubts or misgivings about the process when you're being told you'll get what you desire. But I do have to ask those adopters - do you believe in the stork theory of where babies come from? How ARE you praying for your little bundle to arrive? Those babies don't just fall from the sky.

Let's break it down.

"I pray for a child, any child will do"
When an adoption "fails" what happens? The mother decides to keep and raise her baby. In my book that's not a "fail", it's a win for the child and mother. The couple then moves on to the next expectant mom who, under the agency guidance, picks them from a book. The first one didn't work out so maybe the next one will. Any child will do.

"I pray a pregnant woman is in crisis, I pray she is lost and alone. I pray her man and family forsake her. I pray she is broke and homeless"
A woman who is NOT in crisis, who is NOT lost and alone, doesn't go to an agency seeking help. A woman who has family support or support from the baby's father doesn't go to an agency seeking help. A woman who has a home and money in the bank doesn't go to an agency seeking help.

"I pray she chooses the drugs. I pray that she stays involved in violence"
If she's addicted to drugs and can't find help, her baby will likely be taken from her. There ya go.... a baby to answer that prayer for a baby to adopt. Where is the prayer for the mother's help and healing so she can take care of her baby? If there's domestic violence, a mother will be terrified to bring a baby into that world. If she has help to get out of the situation or help with rehab, she's not likely to go to an agency for help. In order for her to lose her baby to the adoption industry she would still be using or still stuck with an abuser.

All of these situations are used against her by the adoption agencies to convince her to go through that book and look at couples to take her baby. So when someone prays to adopt a newborn baby, they ARE praying for these things to happen. They may not do it intentionally but that's the reality of it because if it weren't for these situations, the baby wouldn't be available in the first place.

Now look at the second half of the meme...

"I pray she chooses me to save her baby from herself. I pray she hates herself enough to believe I'm better."
In order for her to surrender she has to be convinced that she's not good enough for her own baby. What else are those profile books for that the agency has the adopting couple make. They're full of pictures and essays about how wonderful they are, the trips they take, the dog they have, the house they live in, etc.... The message is that the couple is better than the mom. It's intention is to make the mom feel less than so she'll give her baby to someone "better".

"I pray this family falls apart. I want one of the pieces."
In order for adopters to get the baby they're praying for another family has to be destroyed. There's just no getting around that. You can paint it in rainbow colors and slap daisies all over it but it doesn't change the fact that a mother is losing a child and a child is losing an entire family. That child is forever, legally severed from his own flesh and blood. And no, reunion doesn't fix it and open adoption doesn't fix it.

"I pray a child suffers so I can be MOM"
I can't imagine people actually using these words and praying such a thing. BUT.... the truth is every adoption includes trauma. Babies are traumatized by the separation from mother. They are NOT blank slates. They know their mother's voice, heartbeat, and smell. They search for their mother because they think they're still part of her. They suffer when they're taken away from her. If you're praying to adopt a newborn, in essence you are asking for a baby to suffer. Period. And, I'm sorry to say that love from the adopters is not enough to take that pain away.

When you really examine what the adoptee was saying with this prayer, it boils down to selfishness. Infant adoption is a selfish act. Adults want what they want and it doesn't seem to matter how it affects another entire family or how it affects a newborn baby.

The image and words are making people angry and upset. Good. Maybe it will cause some of them to think about the message and reality behind it.

I was trying to pretend NAAM didn't exist

So here it is November 3rd and another National Adoption Awareness Month is underway. My plan for this year was to just ignore it all. I didn't really want to get into any of this stuff on the heels of the most ridiculous presidential election season ever. But - I got pulled back in yesterday and this morning by some comments on Instagram.

Many months ago I posted this picture. This is a painting I did as part of my Silent Voices series that I exhibited in Macon GA earlier this year.

I didn't post any comments with it other than the usual info about the exhibition. Yesterday began a little conversation.....

just_in_nashvegasChoose closed adoption!!!

• carlynnehershberger@just_in_nashvegas Closed adoption is a horrendous and inhumane system. Everyone is entitled to know their history and it's horribly cruel to keep a mother in the dark about the well being of her child.
• just_in_nashvegasMedical history yes and it's no longer her child when she signed the rights away k
• just_in_nashvegasAnd if she wanted to know the child so well she should keep it.. Let's be honest too broke to raise it but still thinks she is a mommy when she signs her rights away
• carlynnehershberger@just_in_nashvegas What's your connection to infant adoption? I'm a mother who's newborn was taken at birth and an adoptee. Babies are taken and sold every day through the corrupt, coercive infant adoption system. It's big business bringing in over 13.5 BILLION dollars a year for agencies. Without babies to sell the agencies can't pay salaries or keep their doors open.
• just_in_nashvegasWell you shouldn't have gotten pregnant that's on you! And im infertile I believe in a closed adoption very closed no pics no visits only letters
• carlynnehershberger@just_in_nashvegas Do you care at all about the adult adoptee voice when it comes to adoption or just your selfish desires? I suggest you read the many, many books and blogs written by adoptees. They speak loud and clear about the damage done to adoptees by the closed adoption system. Every single adoption begins with trauma and loss for the child. Please do your research before considering adoption.
• just_in_nashvegasWell the girls need birth control and they would be fine but they open wide don't they
• carlynnehershberger@just_in_nashvegas Well I tried. You're just going to be nasty so there's no point in continuing the discussion. I hope for the sake of any future adoptees in your life that you have a change of heart and look at adoption with compassion in your heart for what a mother and child separated by the system have to suffer.
• just_in_nashvegasYour know it's true the sluts get what they deserve!
• just_in_nashvegasSo pay 30,000 in fees raise the kid pay the bills and never be considered the mother never getting that respect from a birth family it's disgusting how whores wants open adoption maybe if they won't open their legs they wouldn't get what they damn well deserve
• carlynnehershbergerIf you have adopted or plan to adopt I hope you don't refer to your child's first mother in that way. You can call me all the names you want- it's obvious you have a lot of anger- but please refrain from bashing your child's biological family. It would cause unimaginable pain to that child.@just_in_nashvegas
• just_in_nashvegasI'll be up front with what the mother is not my fault my kid has a whore as a bio match... Those women can get pregnant 6 weeks later do what's the big deal that's why i believe in closed they get it all

Years ago that conversation would have upset me. Now I recognize it for what it is. There's a lot of pain and anger behind this woman's words. I don't know what the circumstances are surrounding the adoption of her child but it seems to me that it wasn't good and obviously she still hasn't dealt with her infertility issues. Having said that..... that does NOT excuse her attitude. From what she wrote she is the perfect example of what we call an adoptoraptor. I know adoptive parents hate to see that word but there really are those who fit the description.

What upsets me about this is thinking about what a woman like this is doing to her adopted child. She's going to be up front with her child by calling his/her first mother a whore and a slut?! I don't care if she calls me that- no skin off my nose and it's not like it hasn't happened before since starting this blog- but can you imagine being a child dealing with the knowledge of your adoption, trying to figure out who you are and hearing your mother call the woman who gave birth to you those terrible names? I'm so sad knowing that this woman is going to hurt her child like this.

I don't care if the child's first mother really is a crappy human. I don't care how deep this adoptive mother's issues go. There is never a reason to speak to a child about their family that way. That child is a piece of that family. When you talk about their family in those terms it's like you're talking about the child the same way. How much damage is this woman doing? Just the fact of being adopted causes enough pain. What kind of pain is her attitude toward the child's family going to cause?

This is another adoptive parent who believes the minute the papers are signed they take ownership of their prize human. Besides, she paid 30,000. She's entitled. The product is bought and paid for.

 MINE MINE MINE

 ALL MINE

AND.... the jealousy is coming through crystal clear. What does she care about the mother? That woman has the audacity to be able to conceive so all adoptions should be closed. That's what she deserves. She deserves to live in agony the rest of her life, never knowing what happened to her child, simply because she got pregnant in the first place and she might be able to get pregnant again. In fact, she could just spread her legs and pop out another one - what a whore!

So much nastiness and hate. Such a shame the child is the one who will pay for it. Like a friend of mine just said.... I hope she has good insurance for the therapy the child will need. I wish she had spent some money on therapy for herself before adopting.

I don't know if I'll get more comments from her. I thought about writing some more but seems to me anything I say is just going to get blown off anyway. She doesn't exactly come across as one who is willing to learn. I am grateful for the adoptive parents out there who are willing and able to take in the experiences of others and understand that adoption is NOT about them. It's supposed to be about the child.

Well, so much for staying away from NAAM this year. Time to go back to my happy place - the easel.

Well at least.....

Recently I was talking with someone about adoption and the different types of adoptees- adoptee-lite (step-parent adoptee like me), LDA or late discovery adoptee (like me) and of course adoptees who have always known they were adopted.

Anyway, we were having this discussion and I shared about someone I know who found out quite late in life that he was adopted. I felt that what was done to him was wrong. I understand what kind of upheaval that can create in a person's life. When hearing about the adoptee's situation this person's first reaction was to jump to the conclusion that the adoptee was just playing the "poor me" card. Apparently he just needed to choose a more positive outlook on life- look at the bright side- at least he didn't have major medical issues that were compounded by a hidden genetic history. At least he had adoptive parents..... at least.... at least......

I said that I thought this attitude was very dismissive of what the adoptee had been through. I expected more compassion from someone who knows me and knows what adoption does to people. The response was to actually say that he refused to give compassion when a positive outlook could be chosen. It was a refusal to put himself in another person's shoes. It was a refusal to even try to understand the feelings of another.

I'm sorry but that's not being positive or having an optimistic outlook, that's being condescending and dismissive of another person's story and the impact that story has on a life. I understand the importance of having a positive outlook. Choosing to use the pain of my own experience in a positive way is what's gotten me through the last 36 years of living with adoption. I get that! What I don't get are the assumptions- assuming the adoptee is using the experience to play "poor me", assuming the adoptee doesn't have a positive outlook, assuming that the adoptee is wallowing. He doesn't know the adoptee, has never had any contact with him whatsoever but was willing to assume that the adoptee just hadn't chosen the correct attitude.

This is no different than people assuming that first mothers and adoptees are all bitter and angry and should just get over themselves and quit talking about it. If you dare talk about the negative side of adoption you're just wallowing in misery and must have a terrible life. If we would just choose to be positive then of course the industry will fall in line and fix itself. Sure it will.

Isn't it possible to be positive and compassionate at the same time???

Does choosing to have a positive outlook mean that you're no longer allowed to express pain and anger? When you've been hurt, traumatized, had an awful thing happen to you, you will experience sadness and pain. What happens to those feeling then? They get bottled up, shoved down deep to eat away at you from the inside and who knows what kind of havoc that's causing your body. Have you every heard someone say they need a good cry? A cry can be good for you. It's releasing, it's cathartic, you feel better afterwards. What you don't need in that moment is someone telling you that you just need an attitude adjustment. The more positive feelings will happen after you let go of the crap that's built up.

Yes, we can choose to be positive. We can choose to be grateful for what we have and that's hugely important!! AND it's important to recognize the hurt that someone might be going through and empathize with them. Don't dismiss them as just having a poor attitude. Do some people wallow and spend their lives in misery when they can make another choice? Yes. Just don't assume that everyone who expresses pain is doing that.

Brene' Brown said "Rarely does an empathic response begin with- at least" Watch this short video from Brown about empathy and sympathy.

The discussion I had left me feeling sad and disappointed that this person didn't even want to understand what I was trying to say about empathy. I not only felt my friend was being dismissed but I was also dismissed as not having the proper attitude. Living with adoption is not a one time event. It's effects can be felt every single day of your life. You can choose to be positive in how you deal with it day to day and be a happy, productive member of society and there will still be days when it gets you down. Those are the days when a little understanding can get you through.

I think I'm coming to the conclusion that fear is at the bottom of this. People don't want to stand in another's shoes and empathize because that means feeling something painful themselves. It's much easier to wave it away and just say they need to be positive. What they don't realize though is what a huge, POSITIVE impact genuine empathy has for a person who is in pain.

Childhood

Childhood 

48x36

Hand print ghosts in blue and green

fingers curl around colors

brows furrowed in concentration

making pictures never to be seen

ABC's

watercolor strokes

tulips and bees

orange suns and lollipop trees

 adorn the fridge

footsteps pitter patter

paint splatters

childhood goes on in another universe

locked away from the dreaming heart

This means war?!

Imbalance of Power

I haven't been here in a while. You know how it is.... life gets in the way. There are things like survival- trying to make ends meet as a self-employed artist. It's more than a full time job. Sometimes when in survival mode that's all you can deal with. That doesn't mean I don't think about adoption and how things are going in the adoption reform movement. Oh how I wish I could be more involved. I still share articles on Facebook and comment when I can. I still read and follow what's happening. Of course there's been much more of that recently because of National Adoption Awareness Month- that dreaded month that we write about, focus on and try to use to make a difference.

If you've read here before you may know that I'm not only a first mother who lost a daughter to the adoption machine but I'm also a late discovery step-parent adoptee and I'm very proud to be associated with the Lost Daughters. Although I think and write more from the first mother perspective, my sisters there have welcomed me with open arms. I'm so very proud of my adoptee sisters and the #flipthescript campaign and the Flip the Script video that has been the talk of #NAAM. If you haven't seen it yet you must check it out.

So what got me fired up and back on the blog? The push back on #flipthescript. I just read a gem of a post by an adoptive mother. To begin, she calls the post "the war on National Adoption Month". Really? We're at war? If an adoptee talks about her experience as an adult adoptee and it doesn't conform to the industry standard of adoption propaganda, apparently thems' fightin' words. If a person who was/is adopted, talks about what it was like for her to be adopted and how complex that experience is and was for her, she's waging a war. The simple act of telling her story means she's at war? That's a bit extreme isn't it? According to the industry and it's proponents- adoption is beautiful and don't you dare say anything to the contrary. Don't you know that? Because apparently, if you talk about your own personal experience, you're making some other folks mighty uncomfortable. So uncomfortable in fact that they see it as an attack.

Her first paragraph.... and I'll answer her here since it's not likely that my comments will make it past moderation on her blog.

"Adoptees are “flipping the script” during National Adoption Month, sharing the other, unattractive side of adoption. It’s their right. I’m not an adoptee and can’t speak for them, but part of me doesn’t like seeing this opportunity of beauty turned into something that’s looked down upon."

"I'm not an adoptee and can't speak for them" Isn't that the point of flipping the damned script?? Adoptive parents and the industry professionals have had the floor for decades. It's about time the other people who live and breath adoption- the adoptees and the natural mothers- have a say. No, you're not an adoptee so you have no idea what an adoptee feels about adoption. You have hearsay, you have anecdotes by others, you have stories you've heard, you have your experience with your child who is not yet an adult with adult views. There is no triad in adoption. There are 4 sides and only 2 of them have had the country's ear until now- the adoption industry and the adoptive parents.

"Why is it beautiful? Because I can separate what my children went through, their abuse, neglect, and trauma, from their adoption. What they went through before foster care, I would compare with hell, what they went through while visiting their bio parents while in foster care wasn’t much better, but now we see new lives, new people emerging. Beauty."

What you see as beauty, your adopted child may see differently. This is beautiful for you. Maybe you can separate it but can your child? This is your child's history. For one thing... why are you sharing such personal details of your child's history with the world? This is his story, his to share when he is ready. If he's ready at all, ever. It's not up to you. It's not your life. When he is an adult, his view of adoption may be vastly different than yours and that's ok.

"That’s why “flipping the script” on adoption day is so painful. The world is taking what is often a positive event and turning the tables, focusing on those who don’t feel it was a good thing for them."

No, they're focusing on the voices of adopted people, period. That's the point. Whether that person's story is happy, sad, angry, or a mix of all of those, the point of flip the script is to give them the opportunity to use their voice and be heard- be heard without being interrupted by the people in the equation who are the beneficiaries of a corrupt and unethical system.

"Those who are "flipping the script" aren't adoptees who are happy and content with their adoption experience, they're the ones who are angered, feel like something was done to them. The ones who feel they were ripped from their first family, from their country, are hurt by positive adoption language."

Every adoption begins with loss and pain no matter how you slice it or how much positive adoption language you want to throw at it. That PAL was developed by the adoption industry and put into place for a reason- to separate mothers from their babies. That is the sole function of the new words -  to describe what is a tragedy in more palatable terms. 

The "angry adoptee". This is the most common argument thrown at adoptees (and mothers of loss). "You're just angry and bitter". Damn straight I'm angry. Does that mean I'm an angry person? No. My life is just fine but that doesn't mean I shouldn't talk about the experiences I've had and how they've affected me. And, under the circumstances, anger is a perfectly normal reaction to experiences that were beyond our control. We take back our control now by using that anger in a positive and constructive way. 

ALL adoptees have been taken from their original families in one way or another, whether taken forcefully because of abuse or taken from a new mother through coercion or by the courts legally severing all connection with the family through sealed birth records. As an adoptive parent you feel adoption is beautiful. That's great for you but don't diminish or dismiss what adopted people have to say about their life experience. 

"The adoptees who aren't speaking out (and far outnumber those who are calling out adoption) are the ones who are satisfied in life, the ones who accept their adoptive family as their own, ones who've found their birth family and either have a good relationship with them or have decided to let it be."

And here I just have to say- IMO- you're wrong. The vast majority of adoptees I know who are speaking out, are simply trying to make a difference for future adoptees. They ARE satisfied in life. They just want people to understand that adoption is far more complex than what the industry wants the public to believe. They're trying to balance out the narrative so it can be understood that there is more to the story than the story of the happy adoptive parents and the well payed adoption professionals.

"I don't want to belittle anyones experience, after all, it's their own. I can't speak as an adoptee. Maybe there should be separate months, one for National Adoption Month and a month for adoptees to share their feelings, like an Adoptee Awareness Month."

You want to give adoptees a month to speak? How generous. Why should we separated? Haven't we had enough separation as it is??? Hasn't the mic been monopolized by the most powerful voices already? I also deal with this idea as a mother of loss. We have "Birthmother's Day" which I refuse to acknowledge. I celebrate my motherhood on Mother's Day along with all the other mothers. I was still a mother after my daughter was taken from me and I'm still an adoptee the other 11 months of the year. Don't tell me when I can speak.

The Ripple Effect

photo credit: tried to find the original artist who posted this but could only trace it back to deviant art. If anyone knows who created it please let me know.

It's a new year. It's 2014 and I reunited with my daughter in 2002. That's a pretty good amount of time. Much has happened since then. Reunion continues to be an interesting journey. Sometimes good, sometimes painful, sometimes ecstatically joyous, all the time better than the years before when I was left hanging in the limbo of not knowing anything. The good times are the visits, the phone calls, the Facebook messages that say "love you too momma" or "Happy Birthday momma" or "Happy Mother's Day momma". Those are the times cherished. The painful times are the silent times. Times when she can't talk to me. Times when I know she's going through something but she's too far away for me to know exactly what that is and too far for me to do anything to help her.

The effects of adoption don't stop with reunion, they just change. The ripple continues. Everything shifts from the "not knowing" pain to the "this is what I lost" pain to the "I'm so freaking pissed off at the adoption industry" pain to the "my daughter suffered because of the industry" pain to the "my other 2 children also lost because of the industry" pain which brings me back to the "I'm so freaking pissed off at the adoption industry" pain.

So now.... me and my mother are in therapy. The ripple continues. I've talked about it before. It's been a very long road with her but I do have to say..... things are improving. She's understanding me better. I'm understanding her better. We're a little more comfortable around each other. Things are relaxing. She's coming to grips with her history and why she reacted to my pregnancy the way she did and has even asked for forgiveness and I'm working on the "forgiving her" end of it. These are very good things. I know for many of my mothers of adoption loss friends, this is a road that couldn't be traveled for a variety of reasons - some reasons they could control and some they couldn't. There was a time I nearly divorced myself from my parents because of my daughter's adoption. At times I wondered why I didn't or thought maybe I should have. Now I'm glad I didn't walk away from my family.

I didn't walk away because I wanted my "raised" children to have grandparents. My grandparents were incredibly important to me. I adored them and the feeling was mutual. Of course it helped that I was the only grandchild for 7 years. Can you say spoiled? I wanted my children to have that experience and my parents HAVE been really wonderful grandparents. I couldn't deprive my children of their grandparents because of what I had been through with them. It wouldn't be fair to them. They've already lost enough in losing their sister and losing the mother I could've been to them if I hadn't been through the adoption experience- there's that ripple thing again - the effect adoption had on my mothering of my other children. And of course, my oldest daughter lost the experience of these grandparents. Yes, she had her adoptive grandparents but how would her life have been different had she been raised in her own tribe, with her original family? Huge "what if" ripple.

Ok, where was I.... reasons I'm glad I didn't walk away.... the other big reason was because I didn't want to lose my little sister. How would I see her again? I couldn't walk away from her. My sister is 7 years younger than me. When I got pregnant with my oldest child my sister was only 12 years old. When my parents found out about my pregnancy they said I was the one who had to tell her. So I did. Of course she reacted like any 12 year old would - she said ok and then asked me about something else. I don't remember what it was exactly but it was probably something like - what's for dinner? 12 year olds don't grasp what's happening in a situation like that. They're completely self-absorbed and that's ok because that's how they're supposed to be at that age. Even so.... I knew I couldn't walk away from her. We may have grown up feeling like we had separate lives because of the age difference. We may have fought like siblings do. We may not have had much in common when we were growing up but she's my sister.

When she grew up and became a mom herself she questioned why things happened the way they did. The ripple effect continues. It did have an effect on her. She's seen the tension between me and our mother. She's been there for the reunion, supported me, listened to me cry. And now she's here supporting me and our mother through therapy. I'm so glad I didn't walk away. She's my little sis and I can't imagine my life without her.

Fast forward to the present. It's the holidays and my children are visiting. My youngest daughter is a new mom. Her son will celebrate his very first birthday this weekend. We had some quiet time to talk a couple of nights ago. We talked about what it was like for her to be raised by me in the aftermath of her sister's adoption. At one point she said that after finding out about her sister being adopted out she decided she wanted to adopt. The first thing my heart felt was horror. How could she want to do something like that considering what I went through and what her sister has gone through. The ripple effect continues.

Then she explained. What she knew at the time as a teenager was that her sister wasn't with us and she was part of another family. Her sister couldn't be with us so she was glad someone was out there taking care of her for us. She wanted to be that someone for another child who couldn't be cared for by their own mother. That's understandable. My girl has a big heart. Then she got older and learned more. She saw the effect that adoption had on me. She learned more about how the industry works. She learned about the supply and demand end of the business. She learned about price lists and profits. She became a mother and then the pain of adoption became unfathomable. She hurt for me. The ripple effect continues.

I see the same pain in my son's eyes. I know he hurts for me too. When I first told him about his sister and what happened, he cried. My boy as a young teen, felt the pain. He was hurt by adoption. His sister was taken from him. He felt that loss and he saw the effect it had on me. Now as a father of two girls he can't fathom how people can take babies away from their parents in the name of adoption. The ripple effect continues.

I don't want my children to hurt for me. It's not supposed to be that way. I don't want to see pain in their eyes because of something done to me so many years ago. It hurts my heart to see my children in pain but the legacy of adoption continues. The ripple effect goes on and on.

It's not only parents losing children and children losing parents. Grandparents lose grandchildren. Children lose grandparents. Aunts lose nieces and nephews. Children lose their history. Siblings lose each other. Adult adoptees lose their voices and origins.

Infant adoption. It's not what the industry wants you to believe it to be. Pay attention to the ripple effect. There is no such thing as "normal" after adoption. You don't return to a normal life. There is no normal family life after adoption. Everyone in the family is affected. Every. Single. Person. Not just the adoptee. Not just the mother who lost a child. Not just the father who lost a child. It affects the grandparents. It affects the siblings. It affects the spouses of the people who lost their family member. It affects the children of the people who lost their family member. It affects the relationship between all of these people who lost someone to the adoption industry. It's an insidious industry and the ripple effect goes on for generations.

Just sharing

This was shared on Facebook.

Adopting couple sees their purchase for the first time

(that's just my take on it - the whole "sees their purchase for the first time". They see it as seeing "their" son for the first time)

Yes, this is supposed to be a beautiful thing. People get weepy. They praise the Lord. They talk about how it's meant to be. Sorry. I just can't go there. Like I posted on Facebook... I have such a hard time with stories like this. I understand that they want a family but they are literally praying FOR a child to lose his family, FOR a family to lose a child, FOR a child to lose his medical history, FOR a child to lose his heritage and genetic history. They are praying for all this in order to fulfill THEIR wants and needs. Is that the Christian thing to do? What about the needs of the child? Where was his mother in all this? We don't hear anything about her at all. Was she coerced by the very corrupt for-profit multi-billion dollar adoption industry? Could there have been other family members willing to step up so he could remain with his own people? Are they willing to keep a connection with people who are related to him? Are they ready to deal with the questions this adoptee will have later about where he comes from and who he is?

Like I said..... I just can't go there. I can't deal with people who are so wrapped up in their own desires that they can't see beyond them. If they have such a need to take care of children, why didn't they adopt one of the many, many children in foster care who are in desperate need of a place to call home? Why did they become one of the many couples who create the demand in a supply and demand business? It's the demand of newborns that creates the business of newborn infant adoption/aka/human trafficking. Without the demand there would be no price lists/aka adoption situations. Yes, it's a business and it's a very sad business.

I don't know what to do about it except keep talking about it. I'd love to just tell people like this to go get a dog from the shelter. If you have a need to take care of a being- then take care of that being's needs and stop worrying about your own. If it's really and truly coming from your heart (and your god) then you will be focused on the needs of the other person and not so much on your own needs.

Coming to Terms

I read a blog post the other day. As Rebecca was triggered by Christine Murphy's book Taking Down the Wall, I'm triggered by Rebecca's post, not only as an adoptee but as a first/natural/birth mother. It was a difficult post to read. My adoptee status is different from most of my sisters at Lost Daughters. I'm a late discovery step-parent adoptee. It's not quite the same as what my dear sisters have had to deal with in their lives. I was raised by the woman who birthed me but at the same time, that same woman was the deciding factor in me losing my own daughter to adoption.

I know some adoptees have a hard time with that phrase - "losing a child to adoption". How do you lose a child that you surrendered? It's a legitimate question from where they stand. I can understand their problem with it. Intellectually, you can know about the coercion that happened to us yet at the same time, aren't parents, mothers in particular, supposed to move mountains to care for their children? I know as a mother, I would move mountains to do what I needed to save or help my children. But - why couldn't I move that particular adoption mountain out of the way of my oldest daughter's life? What was holding me back? My age, my unwed status, my upbringing, my parents, my naivete, my insecurity, my fear, my church - these were the obstacles that were too much for me to overcome at that time in my life.

Rebecca says....

"This anger is not an entirely new concept for me. I've acknowledged it before and identified it as "the baby rage." I've long been aware of its existence and intensity. I've simply never allowed myself to acknowledge its direction: my original mother and father."

I understand Rebecca's anger. I also have "the baby rage" toward my own original father. He certainly didn't "lose" me. He looked at me and walked away willingly and permanently. How could he just walk away from me - an innocent baby? I'm told that he never held me - only looked down at me in the crib. I'm told that his first words about me when he saw me in the hospital were "she's so ugly". He wanted nothing to do with  me. How can a man who fathered a child be that way? How could he? He failed me.

"I am angry because they didn’t fight for me. I am angry that they didn’t rise up and rage against the system that was tearing us apart. I’m angry that they didn’t realize what was truly being lost until it was too late. I am angry that they allowed themselves to be tricked into believing it would all be okay. Because it wasn’t and it never will be. Not entirely."

Just as I had no choice in whether or not I had my original father in my life, my daughter had no choices when she was born. I left her behind in that hospital, unseen and unnamed. Yes, I take the blame for not being there for my daughter. I feel the guilt daily for not being stronger and fighting harder for my daughter. I feel the guilt daily for not screaming at the nurses with their BFA protocol, the ones who took her from me in the delivery room and didn't let me near her. I feel the guilt daily of not standing up to my own mother when she told me that I couldn't bring a baby back to her house. I feel the guilt daily of signing the relinquishment forms that Catholic Social Services pushed in front of me as I sat there sobbing. I feel the guilt daily of not reaching out to others who might have helped me keep my daughter. I feel the guilt daily of what all this means for the relationship between my children as siblings and I feel the guilt of being the cause of the baby rage in my daughter.

"The baby me has no interest in the rationalizations of grown-ups. 

She is raging mad--and she has every right to be so!"

My daughter has every right to be angry with me and not be interested in my rationalizations. As an adult she says she understands and doesn't blame me but I certainly couldn't blame her if she does feel this "baby rage". She may very well feel it but may not want to express it to me. I may never know if this rage has kicked her in the gut and I'll just have to live with that possibility.

Over the years I've learned to come to terms with the guilt and it doesn't sting as badly as it used to. I'm sorry for what I've caused my daughter and I've learned to forgive the 19 year old me for not being able to fight harder, not being able to put my foot down and defy everyone. I've worked hard at being here for my daughter in the last 11 years of reunion and will continue to be here for her. Actually it hasn't felt like work at all. I spent so long looking for her that it feels more like relief. It's such a relief to call her my daughter and tell everyone about her. It's a relief to say I have 3 children instead of 2 and it's a joy to have her and her children in my life.

Did I "lose" my daughter to adoption? Yes I did. It was a forced, closed adoption. I had no choice at that time but my daughter was the one left behind and truly voiceless so I understand if there's a part of her that rages and it's ok if the rage is directed at me. I was afraid to use my voice but she was too young to use hers. What I can do is accept my part in it and I can feel better about being here for her now. It's also ok for me to direct rage at the man who walked out of my life and never looked back. He didn't try to know me. He never tried to find me even though it would have been easy for him to do so. For him there really are no rationalizations and I think that's why I haven't tried to find him. Why would I look for someone who obviously didn't want to be found?

My baby rage is directed toward my father but a different kind of rage is directed toward my mother. That's where a lot of my work is yet to be done. I've worked on forgiving myself yet I have a very hard time forgiving the woman who turned away her daughter and grandchild. Even after 34 years it's a rage that can blindside me. Many, many first mothers deal with this same issue and I've written about it before. It's an ongoing process that I'll continue to work on for the sake of my health and my family.

All we can do as adoptees and as mothers is work on mending ourselves and hopefully in the process we can connect with our families.

A Little Girl Taken

Cassi said it very well over at Adoption Truth. This family was destroyed. A little girl was taken from her family because of the greed and selfish desires of a delusional, self-entitled couple. Shame on those people! Shame on the justice system. Shame on society for allowing it and turning a blind eye to what the adoption industry has become. My heart was breaking yesterday. I cried for Veronica and her father, her sister and her grandparents. I'm a grandmother of a little girl about Veronica's age. Just the thought of someone taking her from my son, her father, and us makes me physically ill. I can't even breathe when I think of it. How must Veronica's father be suffering. 

What happened when Veronica woke up yesterday and this morning? If she's like my granddaughter she would be asking about her daddy - wondering where he is. Is she asking the Capobiancos when she's going to see her daddy again? Is she asking when she's going home? What is their answer? "Sorry, you'll never see him again." or maybe "No, you're not going back, you're staying with us." What will they say when she asks if he can visit or if she can go visit him? Will they tell her that he's not her daddy any more? Dusten doesn't even have visitation. Will they tell her why her daddy won't be visiting her? How it must hurt for her to hear the answers to these questions. Is she crying for her dad now? How can the Capobiancos live with themselves? How long will Veronica cry for her father and sister before she resigns herself to being owned by strangers. This is forever going to change this child.

In the not too distant future she'll grow up and be old enough to read the news. She'll browse the internet. How many kids get online and Google their own names? She will likely do that. What is she going to find? She's going to find her early life. She'll find all the people talking about her as if she's a prize to be won. She's going to find the many stories and pictures of herself with Dusten - her father, yes, her real father. She'll see how hard he fought for her, how many years he fought for her. She'll see how many people fought alongside him. What will she think then of the people who took her away from him? Do the C's actually think they'll have her heart? Do they think she'll be grateful to them? I'd really love for them to answer these questions.

This very sad situation left me with a lot of questions but mostly it left me so incredibly angry and depressed. What is it going to take for this country to recognize the pain of this horrid industry that sells children to the highest bidder?

Eventually

Photograph: Alamy

"People don't tend to have the same respect for emotional brokenness as they do physical brokenness. Because they can't see the broken heart like they could a broken leg, it's easy to doubt that anything significant is really wrong."

A dear friend, who I feel a great connection to although we've never met, said this in one of her blog posts. Really, you should read her story from the beginning. She is an adoptee going through a tremendous amount of emotional turmoil, stress and upheaval at the moment. Actually those words really don't convey what she's been dealing with but how do you get across the ridiculous amount of trauma that a person goes through. How do we explain to people who really have no experience with this kind of thing, what it is we go through. You really can't. Unless you've walked in those same shoes you really can't know the depth of the emotion. They hear the words and try to understand but since there's no physical evidence it's too easy to move beyond the brokenness without considering that the break is still there on the inside. It's too easy to forget that the pain is still there. A cast on a broken bone is a reminder. There is no reminder with emotional trauma.

When I lost my daughter to adoption no one could see the broken me. No one had any idea because I was expected to hide it. She was a big secret so of course no one knew what had just happened. Imagine this scenario - your child dies and no one knows. In just a few days you go to work and you're expected to smile and act as if nothing has happened. You can't talk about it. You can't cry about it. You can't even seem sad let alone be able to really grieve. Your friends don't know so when you go to a party or out to dinner, you have to pretend not to think about it and just make small talk until you can get through the evening without crying. Your coworkers don't have a clue of course so you have to put on the professional face and maintain your composure throughout the workday. You run into people at the grocery store that you know from school or church or work and you have to pretend to be happy that you've run into them and have to now act like nothing out of the ordinary has happened.

Then you have the family members who DO know what happened - the very few who were privy to the actual events- the ones who knew where you were when you were gone out of town for 5 or 6  months during the pregnancy. I'm starting to realize that when dealing with this type of trauma, it's really not much different when people know what happened as opposed to the folks who really didn't have a clue. If you're not part of the adoption community in one form or another it's difficult to understand the trauma that is involved for that person. For the people who knew what was happening, it became about not only keeping the secret but keeping the peace. I think on one level they just didn't want to upset me. The thinking at the time was... just don't mention it. Just like the idea of keeping a baby away from the mother after the birth was supposed to make it easier to deal with the separation, the idea of not talking about the loss was supposed to make the transition back to "normal" life easier. Did that work? Of course not. On another level, this kind of denial just made it easier for them. Just get back to the status quo and everything will be okay. If we make it look good on the outside, it will be good on the inside. Keep the surface squeaky clean and all will be good.

But.... what happens then? Sure, you manage to maintain on the outside but what's happening on the inside? You're still broken. You swallow the pain. You go home and try to figure out how to cope. You cry when you're alone. You have nightmares. You deal with fear. You deal with anxiety. Why do we struggle to deal with this alone? Because like my friend said.... the emotional brokenness is not as obvious so it doesn't get the same amount of respect. We hear.... just move on, don't be bitter or angry, put the past behind you, why can't you just leave it behind? It's been so many years... why are still crying about it? Why are you still writing about it? Oh, you're writing about that again... that's why you're banging on the keys so hard. Well, pardon me, don't mean to be so noisy while I do my best to work through this and try to do something to help others. Sorry, hard not to get snarky when dealing with this issue.

With a broken bone you can see the result of healing - the cast comes off. The wound is healed. With adoption, whether adoptee or mother, the wound is never really healed, it's just scabbed over. Sometimes events pick at the scab. Sometimes people pick at it with the comments they make and they don't even realize they're doing it. Sometimes the comments are intentional because others don't want to deal with the truth - it makes them too uncomfortable. Maybe that's because they had a hand in making the adoption happen or maybe it's because they participated in the adoption of another child because like so many millions of people - they got sucked in to the adoption industry propaganda. 

However it happens.... the wound is there and the respect isn't. We have to hold each other up. We have to be there for each other - mothers for mothers, mothers for adoptees, adoptees for adoptees. Eventually we'll get there. Eventually people will understand more. Thanks to my dear friend for putting herself out there and letting people see the turmoil and raw emotion of what being an adoptee is like from her experience. It's only through the telling of these experiences that we can gain the understanding and eventually the respect of others.