18 Years

Is it meant to be.....
   that a baby cries for the only voice she knows?
   that a mother grieves for a lifetime?
   that sisters can't share secrets?
   that brothers can't protect?
   that a child loses trust?
   that what's primal doesn't matter?
   that the wound is ignored?
   that birthdays become burdens?
   that her childhood is stolen from her mother?
   that the state says no to who she is?
   that lies become ordinary?
   that a baby can't have the milk made for her?
   that the mother is stolen from the child?
   that a child lives life wondering?
   that a mother lives life searching?
   that strangers hold while family sits empty?
   that children become chattel?
   that money matters more?

Happy Birthday

Today is my oldest daughter's birthday and this week marks 10 years since we reunited. You would think that after 10 years a person would get used to the feeling of waking up and just being happy about their child's birthday. I know that seems like a weird thing to say and don't get me wrong, of course I'm over the moon that I have her in my life and I'm thrilled that I can actually say Happy Birthday to her. The difference for us, meaning us mothers who have lost children to adoption, is there doesn't seem to be a way to shut off completely the emotion of what those birthdays meant for so long. Or maybe it's just me and I'm making an assumption that other reunited mothers feel this way.

For the first 22 years of her life her birthday meant incredible pain. The entire month was about grieving. It's like the loss that I had to hide the rest of the year came ripping to the surface, broke through and destroyed me. The only way to get through it was to cry my eyes out until I was swollen with grief yet felt shriveled and wrinkled like a dried out dishrag.

Those years are no more but there still remains the remnants of what they did to me. It's like a muscle memory. It's an automatic reaction. The memories come back to haunt and make the day bitter sweet. Right now my focus is to be thankful that I can look back and say those years are behind me now and hopefully I can continue to look forward to many more Aprils when I can say Happy Birthday dear Liz.

Candles for the Cause

5x5

acrylic on canvas

I can't believe it's been at least a couple of weeks since I've been here to post. My schedule has just been crazy and I haven't had as much time to devote to the cause as I would like. Things will ease up by the end of April and I can get back to painting and blogging more often. For now I want to put this out there. I'm working with Origins-USA and I'm doing these small candle paintings to raise funds to help with their mission.

For the particulars, here's the blurb from Origins homepage -

"Birthdays hold enormous meaning for natural parents and adoptees. To commemorate what birthdays mean to us, artist and author carlynne hershberger is painting these birthday candles on 5x5" stretched canvas. they cost $30 plus $3 shipping. carlynne will donate $15 from each painting sold to origins-usa, so it can continue its important work.

Each painting is a one-of-a-kind work of art, so your painting will not look exactly like the one pictured. Each one will be personalized with the birth date of your child. Also, if you have a specific color you would like to see on the candle, let Carlynne know. To place your order, email paintings@origins-usa.org."

So, let me know if you're interested in a painting, just send an email to Origins.

I also want to say thanks to those who wrote such kind comments on my last post. It was a hard one for me to write and I appreciate all the support I've received - thank you!