Baby Scoop Era, "brave" love and fairy dust

This past year I haven't spent as much time in adoptionland as I used to but lately I've waded back into the fray- just here and there, long enough to comment on an occassional group post. 

What's really bothering me? I can't really put my finger on it but it's probably a whole list of things. How can there not be when it comes to adoption- the list is long. For one thing, I started reading Karen's book. I'm only a fraction of the way into it but I have to give it a plug. The research compiled here is mind boggling. And disturbing. I'm highlighting like mad and sticking post-its all over.

Like the history we've all been talking about in politics, with the hopes of never repeating such happenings, this is the history of adoption in the US. And, like politics, there are too many people sticking their fingers in their ears while yelling lalalalalalala- I can't hear you!

Who are these people when it comes to adoption? Other mothers like me, not mothers my age but young ones. The ones who surrendered in recent years, the newbies to this life. Other moms like me get on the forums and groups to try to give a bit of historical perspective to the conversations but more often than not we get put in our place- told we're just bitter because we regret our "decision". We're told that surrendering is the "brave" thing to do. These are the women who encourage other women to surrender their babies. Just yesterday when Saving Our Sisters was mentioned, someone came back saying that they're nothing but negativity and anti-adoption. 

This is the most mind boggling of all to me. Why would someone who is experiencing the most awful grief encourage someone else to willingly jump into that pool of  misery with them. I guess the saying about misery loving company is true. It's incredibly heartbreaking to witness a young mother write about having zero regrets in letting her child go. Does she really believe that? Does she think about how that belief will affect her child when that adoptee is all grown up and reads that her mother was glad she surrendered? Would it make you feel good to hear... "I'm so glad I gave you to strangers when you were born". That's basically what she's saying. I certainly wouldn't want to hear that.

It makes me sad. So very sad to read....

Her children deserved more than she could give them at the time. "At the time" tells me the situation was temporary. She lost her children because of a temporary situation. That's adoption speak for - you don't have enough stuff right now so give your children to people who have more. If that were really the right thing to do I would have handed my son over to someone who had a house. I was living in a small apartment at the time he was born. If that were really the right thing to do I would have handed over my 3rd child to someone who had a house AND a pool, maybe even a horse or two. I had a house at the time but it was very small and we pinched a lot of pennies. Maybe we should all just shift our children to the folks in the next income bracket. The agencies would love that. Imagine how much more money they would make.

I realize we live in a consumer society but isn't this taking things a bit far? It costs tens of thousands to buy a baby and women are losing their babies because they don't have enough. Everything can be purchased here including humans.

Claudia does a great job explaining who these people are - meaning BraveLove. When I first saw the post pictured above there were close to 400 comments. When I checked just now the number of comments was down to 135. Hmmmmm..... could it be they've deleted a few because they didn't fit the narrative they want? They also had 3 one star reviews but now the review section is deleted. I commented and got a screen shot because who knows how long before they delete me too.

This is the mission statement from Bravelove:

"To change the perception of adoption through honest, informative, and hopeful communication that conveys the heroism and bravery a birth mother displays when she places her child with a loving family through adoption."

Deleting hundreds of comments from people who know the truth about the adoption industry doesn't seem so honest to me. It's not exactly informative either is it? They do foster hopeful communication though. The kind that's sprinkled with fairy dust and rainbow colors. Don't you dare question them or challenge them! Why? Because....

This is an agency funded page using young mothers to coerce other young mothers into surrendering their babies.

In the early days of the Baby Scoop Era, single pregnant women were seen as "sick" "unfit" and "deviant", certainly not brave and heroic. From Karen's book, page 60.....

"We know a great deal about the unmarried or natural mother...that she is not bad, but rather that she is sick... Not only is one attempting to help the unmarried mother develop more mature methods of solving her problems than through her solution of getting pregnant, but one  also is usually able to help the unmarried mother give up her baby for adoption... (Littner, 1955)"

According to Karen's research, we were also seen as needing punishment.

"The applicant who wants none of the agency or the caseworker is obviously the hardest one to reach, engage or even tolerate... [I]t is this client... who is troubling the community's peace of spirit (such as the unwed mother)... What is social work for... if not to make social beings of these unfortunate misfits or to protect society against their depredations? Where can they be helped or dealt with, if they are not to be put in places of confinement and punishment?...Of the several professions that use psychological means of influence, that of social work consistently encounters the problem of the unwilling client. Caseworkers... work out ways by which to engage the unwilling person (Perlman, 1957)."

Just one more paragraph from the book, page 62...

"It was even recommended by the professionals that if an unmarried pregnant female was unwilling to surrender her baby for adoption, the social worker should be 'decisive, firm, and unswerving' in finding a 'healthy solution to the girl's problem' by targeting that woman's mother to make sure the baby would be surrendered. According to Dr. Marcel Heiman, clinical professor of psychiatry at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine, 'The I'm going to help you by standing by while you work it through approach will not do. What is expected from the worker is precisely what the child expected but did not get from her parents - a decisive No!'" (Heiman, 1960)

Wow. Not only did they have their outright shaming techniques down pat, they also used their methods on the girl's family. Now the agencies have trained young "birthmothers" to put us older mothers in our place by calling us bitter and angry while calling new surrendering mothers selfless and brave. They know that calling us misfits just won't work anymore so now we're brave. They just swung the coercion pendulum the other way and have done such a good job of it that they've convinced mothers to convince more mothers that surrendering their newborn is the brave and loving thing to do.

These young mothers fight us when we talk about the truth because in order for them to face the truth about adoption, they have to admit they've been duped and no one wants to admit something like that. Sometimes misery does love company but I think in some of these cases, their defending adoption so vehemently, is nothing more than a shield to protect themselves from the devastating grief that would follow the realization that they were taken advantage of. So the agencies have learned not only how to use women effectively in order to make money from their babies, but also how to use those same women to reel in more targets for adoption.

I've done enough rambling for today. It's too sad to think about anymore.

*Update 8/28*

I've gone back to the BraveLove page and commented again, and yes, all my comments are deleted. This is one of them. I think you can tell why. Of course they don't want expectant moms to read that they're being manipulated. The fact that they continue to delete the truth and cover up their tactics should make it pretty clear that it's hitting a nerve and exposing them for what they are- baby brokers.

This thread was also deleted...

Shame on them for hiding the truth and participating in the legal human trafficking known as infant adoption.

It's really getting personal

Hi ya'll. Last year I talked about doing an exhibit with my Silent Voices series in Macon GA in April of '16. (Yikes, it's been that long since writing here!) Well, turns out it was on the schedule for February! So...... this week I'm delivering 15 canvases to the 567 Center for Renewal in downtown Macon. For the folks who might be in the area, the opening reception is Friday the 5th at 6pm.

Because the exhibition is happening sooner than I had planned I'm not able to add all the pieces I had hoped to- namely the ones with the stories shared by you. I hope to continue working on and adding to this series as time goes on so I do still plan on adding your stories as another element to the show. For now I'm doing well to finish painting the last canvas along with doing the other bits and pieces required for such an event.

Here you can see bits and pieces of 4 of the canvases. 15 of these 48x36 paintings take up some space in my house!

So why am I doing this? This isn't a selling show. I do portrait commissions, teach art classes and paint landscapes that sell through galleries. What's the point of borrowing a vehicle and hauling these things to another state and then a few weeks later going back to pick them up again. The point is the heart. It's a labor of love. The point is opening minds. The point is having a voice when for the majority of time mother's voices are not only overlooked but intentionally shut down- and sometimes not in a very nice way. We're just bitter and angry old ladies after all.

For the most part though, I think people just don't know. They don't understand what infant adoption means because they've been so filled with the industry propaganda of rainbows and unicorns- adoption is beautiful don't you know? I saw a meme on Facebook today that struck me as appropriate when thinking about doing this exhibit....

The timing for that was perfect. Yesterday I was having a mini panic attack at the thought of putting these paintings out there. They are very personal and I've never shared them anywhere except here where I'm not face to face with anyone. It's easy to share on the internet. It's harder when you're looking a stranger in the eye and having to explain what the work means. I've been working on these canvases for a few years because I have to do these in between the projects that pay the bills so doing this show is a big deal for me. It's the culmination of a lot of time, tears, thought and therapy.

Another bit of timing that was perfect..... remember I said these canvases take up a lot of space? In the process of preparing I had to move things around the studio and office. The earlier canvases have been stored in front of a bookcase in my office for quite a while. Well, you know how the domino effect works. Once I moved them out of the way I had to clean out the bookcase- because I could. While I was sorting things I came across an old notebook. Only the first page had been written on.

It said....
"My roommate Lanny and I went to the drugstore down the street and bought a pregnancy test. My heart was pounding, she was trying to be supportive but all I could feel was the screaming fear pulsing in my veins. The only words going through my head were- can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be happening to me. I'm just stressed, that's why I'm late. Other little voice saying- but you've never been late before. The 'can't be' chanting continued in my head all the way back to the apartment, the hot Ft. Lauderdale sun beating me down block after block."

I have no idea when or why I wrote that. Maybe it was the very beginning of the notion that sharing would be a good idea. It just seemed to me to be the voice of my 19 year old self showing up just in time to remind me to keep going, to put on my big girl panties and deal with sharing these paintings- in person.

See you in Georgia.

An opportunity to be heard

A while ago I asked mothers of adoption loss if they would like to be included in this painting. I added their names and the birthdays of their lost children. Since then I've done a number of other paintings, written narrative poetry to go with the pieces and did a book called Silent Voices.

Now I have a wonderful opportunity to continue this series of work about adoption and share it with the public in an upcoming exhibit at the 567 Center for Renewal art center in Macon GA. The exhibit will be in April 2016. My plan for the exhibit includes 14 large paintings (13 of them are done, the birthday candle painting will be included), a series of collages and a display of boxes. My plan for the collage work is to include handwritten stories from other natural mothers and also have some sheets of paper that are blank so people visiting the exhibit can add their own voices to the display.

My dear mom friends out there.... would you be willing to add your voice to this exhibit? This is a chance to have our voices heard. Showing at an art center with an exhibit that focuses solely on adoption loss from the mother's point of view is a rare thing indeed. I'd love to include as many of you as possible. Let's share our stories. Too many people have no idea what infant adoption does to the original family.

If you would like to participate, let me know in the comments. You can leave your story in the comments too and I'll write it out on paper but I would love to have your hand, your touch on that paper and then I'll make it part of the collage. You don't have to write a long thing- a paragraph or two would be perfect. You could write about any aspect of adoption. How did losing a child to adoption impact your life? How has it affected the rest of your family? What were the circumstances around the adoption? Were you able to hold your baby before relinquishing? Was it a closed or open adoption? Did you have to keep the adoption secret? These are just a few ideas.....

We can get in touch through email or you can message me on FB and thank you, thank you, thank you! I hope you'll consider adding your words. It would make the exhibit so much more powerful!

Eventually

Photograph: Alamy

"People don't tend to have the same respect for emotional brokenness as they do physical brokenness. Because they can't see the broken heart like they could a broken leg, it's easy to doubt that anything significant is really wrong."

A dear friend, who I feel a great connection to although we've never met, said this in one of her blog posts. Really, you should read her story from the beginning. She is an adoptee going through a tremendous amount of emotional turmoil, stress and upheaval at the moment. Actually those words really don't convey what she's been dealing with but how do you get across the ridiculous amount of trauma that a person goes through. How do we explain to people who really have no experience with this kind of thing, what it is we go through. You really can't. Unless you've walked in those same shoes you really can't know the depth of the emotion. They hear the words and try to understand but since there's no physical evidence it's too easy to move beyond the brokenness without considering that the break is still there on the inside. It's too easy to forget that the pain is still there. A cast on a broken bone is a reminder. There is no reminder with emotional trauma.

When I lost my daughter to adoption no one could see the broken me. No one had any idea because I was expected to hide it. She was a big secret so of course no one knew what had just happened. Imagine this scenario - your child dies and no one knows. In just a few days you go to work and you're expected to smile and act as if nothing has happened. You can't talk about it. You can't cry about it. You can't even seem sad let alone be able to really grieve. Your friends don't know so when you go to a party or out to dinner, you have to pretend not to think about it and just make small talk until you can get through the evening without crying. Your coworkers don't have a clue of course so you have to put on the professional face and maintain your composure throughout the workday. You run into people at the grocery store that you know from school or church or work and you have to pretend to be happy that you've run into them and have to now act like nothing out of the ordinary has happened.

Then you have the family members who DO know what happened - the very few who were privy to the actual events- the ones who knew where you were when you were gone out of town for 5 or 6  months during the pregnancy. I'm starting to realize that when dealing with this type of trauma, it's really not much different when people know what happened as opposed to the folks who really didn't have a clue. If you're not part of the adoption community in one form or another it's difficult to understand the trauma that is involved for that person. For the people who knew what was happening, it became about not only keeping the secret but keeping the peace. I think on one level they just didn't want to upset me. The thinking at the time was... just don't mention it. Just like the idea of keeping a baby away from the mother after the birth was supposed to make it easier to deal with the separation, the idea of not talking about the loss was supposed to make the transition back to "normal" life easier. Did that work? Of course not. On another level, this kind of denial just made it easier for them. Just get back to the status quo and everything will be okay. If we make it look good on the outside, it will be good on the inside. Keep the surface squeaky clean and all will be good.

But.... what happens then? Sure, you manage to maintain on the outside but what's happening on the inside? You're still broken. You swallow the pain. You go home and try to figure out how to cope. You cry when you're alone. You have nightmares. You deal with fear. You deal with anxiety. Why do we struggle to deal with this alone? Because like my friend said.... the emotional brokenness is not as obvious so it doesn't get the same amount of respect. We hear.... just move on, don't be bitter or angry, put the past behind you, why can't you just leave it behind? It's been so many years... why are still crying about it? Why are you still writing about it? Oh, you're writing about that again... that's why you're banging on the keys so hard. Well, pardon me, don't mean to be so noisy while I do my best to work through this and try to do something to help others. Sorry, hard not to get snarky when dealing with this issue.

With a broken bone you can see the result of healing - the cast comes off. The wound is healed. With adoption, whether adoptee or mother, the wound is never really healed, it's just scabbed over. Sometimes events pick at the scab. Sometimes people pick at it with the comments they make and they don't even realize they're doing it. Sometimes the comments are intentional because others don't want to deal with the truth - it makes them too uncomfortable. Maybe that's because they had a hand in making the adoption happen or maybe it's because they participated in the adoption of another child because like so many millions of people - they got sucked in to the adoption industry propaganda. 

However it happens.... the wound is there and the respect isn't. We have to hold each other up. We have to be there for each other - mothers for mothers, mothers for adoptees, adoptees for adoptees. Eventually we'll get there. Eventually people will understand more. Thanks to my dear friend for putting herself out there and letting people see the turmoil and raw emotion of what being an adoptee is like from her experience. It's only through the telling of these experiences that we can gain the understanding and eventually the respect of others.

A Conversation

Reading this post - and please read it - recently brought back to mind a conversation I had with someone who had spent a few months working with a pregnancy center in my town. She felt that I was too negative about adoption. I'll post parts of the conversation here. There are a few small bits left out because of the personal nature of some of the comments but you'll get the gist of it. I started the exchange by asking a family member to ask this person if they had heard of a particular book and the following conversation was the result......

Me: Could you ask L if she's familiar with this book.....  The Missing Piece: Adoption counseling in Pregnancy Resource Centers by Curtis J Young

"Counselors must be trained to give women sound reasons that will counter the desire to keep their babies. One example is to reinforce the notion that it takes a strong, mature woman to place a child for adoption. Honestly addressing the issue of financial survival can be compelling as well. Counselors must communicate that adoption can be an heroic, responsible choice and that the child benefits tremendously ..." - From The Missing Piece: Adoption Counseling In Pregnancy Resource Centers by Curtis J. Young. Family Research Council (2000).

If this book and others like it are being used to train the people working in pregnancy centers then these people are also part of the coercion process. From what I've learned the industry also uses these centers to feed the demand for babies.

L:  "I have not heard of this book. I don't believe most (all) Christian pregnancy centers are part of the "adoption industry."  Adoption (here at least is only brought up if abortion is either stated as the mother's intent or in a situation where it is a very strong possibility due to multiple stresses.  It's not presented as an option because anyone thinks the mom might not be the best mom possible.  It is presented as an option when/if the mom sees abortion as the only option.  Also the pregnancy center here does not work with lawyers or "commercial" adoption services, but with a very well-screened group of 3 or 4 Christian=oriented adoption agencies.
Adoption is certainly a highly-charged subject.  In appropriate circumstances, it can be a great blessing for mom & child.  Our adoption advocate, who walks women who seek that option, thru the process had a daughter, who got pregnant as a senior in high school, who realized she was not prepared to parent at that time, and that her goals for herself and her baby were higher.  She placed her son for adoption in an open adoption situation & both families were there for the birth & they have maintained a close relationship ever since.  The daughter is his "tummy mommy" & there is much love all around."

"I believe in very many cases adoption IS "the loving option" and that "adoption" may be being a good mom.

I think it is very hard to go back 40 years later & try to second guess decisions made -- and the roles of everyone in those decisions.  I'm currently writing a talk for a prison retreat about choices == and one of the points in there, with which I totally agree, is that, in the end, unless threatened with some serious harm,  we are responsible for the choices we make.

Please don't tar & feather all adoption with the negative aspects of some, especially if you intend to publicize that.  That could be a death sentence for some of these babies."

Me: I must reply as I felt scolded by your email. You may not have intended that but that is certainly how it came across.

You mention the "adoption industry" in quotation marks as if you don't really believe that it's an industry. If this is not how you intended it to read then my apologies. In my view and the view of many, many others, it is indeed an industry. It is a multi-billion dollar a year industry that mainly serves the needs of adopters. It has become an industry that uses children as a commodity. It is there to provide children for needy adults as opposed to homes for needy children. If it were truly about helping children there wouldn't be such a huge number of older children in foster care whose parents have already lost their rights to them. there's a high demand for newborn babies, with 20-40 couples competing for each of those babies while those older children languish with no permanent home.

In a report submitted by M. Juan MigueL Petit, Special Rapporteur, to the UN States: "Regrettably, in many cases, the emphasis has changed from the desire to provide a needy child with a home to that of providing a needy parent with a child. As a result, a whole industry has grown, generating millions of dollars of revenue each ear, seeking babies for adoption and charging prospective parents enormous fees to process paperwork."

Take a look at these....
http://www.adoptionnetwork.com/adoptiveparents/domestic-adoption.shtml?ap_h
http://www.adoptionsfirst.com/BirthMothersSite/index.php

Unfortunately, these are not the exception. This type of thing goes on everywhere. In their own words, they are results driven, use aggressive birthmother outreach, can get you a baby in 12 months or less, can give that pregnant girl airfare, sightseeing tours, all expenses paid and even scholarships for college. How do you think agencies can make these promises to prospective adopting couples and charge them anywhere from 10-50,000 dollars? They have to convince women to surrender their children. Follow the money. 

"I think it is very hard to go back 40 years later & try to second guess decisions made -- and the roles of everyone in those decisions.  I'm currently writing a talk for a prison retreat about choices == and one of the points in there, with which I totally agree, is that, in the end, unless threatened with some serious harm,  we are responsible for the choices we make.
There may be all sorts of influences brought to bear, but the final choice is our own, no one else's."

Are you trying to tell me that I'm second guessing what happened to me 30 years ago? That I'm not taking responsibility for choices? You weren't there, I lived it and have been living it for 30 years. Coercion takes many forms, it's not just about the threat of harm. One option does not equal a choice. There has to be more than one viable option in order for a choice to be made. When a girl is in a position of being pregnant, no father present, no money, no job, no place to live because she's been told that she cannot bring the baby home, she is surrounded by people telling her that she's not good enough to raise her child because she's single, that her child deserves more than she can give, is not given any information about resources available to her to help her keep and raise her child, is told that she can't be seen in public once she starts to show, is shipped out of town to be hidden from view, is told it must be kept a secret from everyone, gives birth and is not allowed to hold or even see her own child at all because there's a big red sign over her bed with the letters BFA - Baby For Adoption - which alerts the hospital staff that her baby is to be kept from her even though, as her mother, she is legally the only person in the world who actually has rights to that child, when you are told to sign a legal document with no legal representation and no explanations, when you are not given copies of that document, when all this is happening to a naive, scared out of her wits young woman who is totally alone, I would say there was coercion going on. When your back is against the wall it's not a choice.

That's how it was. During the time I lost my daughter and for the decades previous to that women and girls were coerced out of their children by not only Catholic Social Services but many, many other agencies. We signed documents and were never given copies of those documents. We were lied to, told our babies would go directly to their adoptive homes from the hospital. Just recently I found out that my daughter was in a foster home for 7 weeks. I didn't name her because the adoptive family was going to name her, she was to go to them immediately. Instead my daughter was a nameless, parentless infant for almost 2 months. I was told she would go to a loving home with 2 parents. I had to lose her because I wasn't good enough since I was single. Her adoptive parents divorced when she was only 3 yrs old. Her father moved out of state and she only saw him for 2 wks out of every year. Mark and I married when Liz was 16 months old and have been married for 29 years. If she had stayed with me she would have been raised with her own mother and with 2 parents in the home. I had to give her up because I was single and she ended up being raised by a single mother anyway.

In the past the industry and society blatantly shamed us into surrendering our children, now they use much more subtle tactics. It hasn't changed much, only in techniques. The National Council for Adoption is the largest lobbying group for adoption agencies here in this country. Past president Tom Atwood in his letter titled Reviving the Institution of Infant Adoption from 2006 said "NCFA is expanding it's efforts to revive the institution of infant adoption through sound pregnancy counseling and public communications that promote infant adoption awareness and understanding." They need to revive it because the number of adoptions is down meaning revenue is down. It's a supply and demand issue. The demand is high for white newborns. Counseling needs to be worded carefully so that more mothers will surrender.

Let me be clear, no one is advocating that children stay in dangerous, abusive, or harmful situations - NO ONE. When a mother or her family cannot take care of children and they can't stay with anyone in their original family then they need to go to a good loving home. We all want children to be safe and loved. What I'm talking about here is the industry working to find babies for infertile couples. The standard now is pre-birth matching of pregnant girls and adoptive couples - this is coercive. Calling her a "birthmother" when she is still pregnant is coercive - it implies that a decision has been made, she is not a "birthmother" she's simply an expectant mother. Using the lure of open adoption, 80% of which close in the first year and are all in the control of the adopting couple, is coercive. Open adoptions are also not enforceable. Adult adoptees still have no access to their own original birth certificates in 42 states. Unless adoptees are reunited with their original families, they have no access to their medical history which can be a dangerous situation for themselves and their children, they can't in many instances even get a passport. They simply don't have the same rights as everyone else. That's wrong.

I could go on and on about what is wrong with adoption and the changes that need to be made. I'm working for family preservation and adoption reform. Adoption is incredibly damaging not only to mothers but also to children. The damage done by adoption is much more common than you think. It's not a loving option, it's an act of desperation. It's a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Circumstances change. People shouldn't lose their children because they are single or don't have enough money. When my daughter's adoptive parents divorced no one suggested that her amother give up the children. When Mark and I were going through rough times with unemployment, no one suggested that we give up our children to people who could provide more yet this is what's happening to young parents. It's happening because there's a need to fill for infertile couples.


Books to read: The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler, The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier

Excellent blog by an adult adoptee, she has many good articles, videos and information if you want to wander around her site.

http://www.declassifiedadoptee.com/
good posts....
http://www.declassifiedadoptee.com/2010/07/when-i-will-get-over-it.html  
http://www.declassifiedadoptee.com/2010/08/how-far-does-20000-go-youd-be-suprised.html

L: 
 "It is very hard to respond to your response.
First, I'm sorry if you felt I was scolding.  It was certainly not my intent.
However, I do truly believe that you see only one side of the adoption issue.  And I can see from what you've told me of your experience, how you would feel that way.
I refuse to believe that all adoption agencies are just in it for the money.  I think most of the Christian ones are non-profits.  Adopting parents do frequently provide most of the  biological mother's costs...She & the baby might not be able to survive without that assistance and it seems to me to be an acceptance of responsibility for the child before birth, just as you accept the expenses of your own child.
I know that there IS an "adoption industry", just as there is, even more so, an "abortion industry."
Abortion really is a permanent solution to a temporary problem...although, for a large percentage of women that choice later has serious aftereffects.
Adoption may seem similar to you.  For the expectant mother, it may be a permanent solution to a temporary problem also, but for the BABY it may well be a permanent solution that in its best interests.
This certainly does not apply to all cases.  I have a problem with adoptions that are primarily based on "what other people will think." Realistically, it is not the adoption industry's fault that that attitude exists.  It probably always will.  But it certainly isn't the only reason for adoption.

I just think you need to be open-minded enough to admit that in many cases adoption truly is a loving option.
It takes a very generous and loving heart to release your child to another IF you would truly prefer to keep the child, if your motivation is the well-being of the child.  And also realistically many young, single mothers are either unwilling or unable to parent.  Should adoption not be an option for them?  Do you think abortion is a better option? 

Yes, maybe society should be providing more resources for single, pregnant expectant mothers...but, at this time, they are eligible for Pregnancy Medicaid, Food Stamps, and WIC which is a great help, especially considering medical costs.  They also do get assistance in various ways from pregnancy centers with stuff like free parenting classes, diapers, clothes, etc. And there are several homes available for single expectant moms, just in the Ocala area alone.

My concern, again, is that if you paint the all adoptions in a negative way, women in troubled situations, will turn to abortion instead and then have to go through the rest of their life knowing that they killed their child. 
I know many would be put-off by your description of the industry, especially if they have never seen the good side of it...and they are extremely pressurable in these cases, looking for the EASIEST out.  It takes a lot of courage and generosity to carry a baby to term, knowing that you are going to release that child to another, even if you know you really can't or don't want to keep it.   Anything that makes it easier to rationalize that that choice isn't worth it, I believe, is harmful ."

Me: 

I'm not going to go into another long discussion, I just want to make a few short points.

I made it clear that I wasn't talking about ALL adoptions.

You are making the assumption that I only see and hear one side - this assumption is false.

You are making a connection between abortion and adoption where there isn't one. Abortion is a decision made in the first trimester about whether or not to remain pregnant. Adoption is a decision about whether or not to parent and shouldn't be made until after the child is born, after the mother is healed from the birth, done dealing with post-partum hormone changes, has spent time with her child and truly has the time to make a fully informed decision free from pressure.  

"Abortion really is a permanent solution to a temporary problem...although, for a large percentage of women that choice later has serious aftereffects." - I agree.

"Adoption may seem similar to you." - That is the most amazing understatement! The lifetime of grief suffered by first mothers is astounding and beyond comprehension to those who haven't experienced it. Mothers are at risk for PTSD, suicide, severe lifelong depression, substance abuse and a whole host of other problems. I think it's very difficult for people to grasp the extreme damage that is done to not only mothers but the children as well. And I'm talking about "normal" adoption situations, not the ones where a child ended up with an abusive adoptive parent. I know too many adult adoptees who had very loving adoptive parents and yet suffer from the damage done by being separated from their mothers and original families. Adoptees are also at risk for the same problems as the mothers. I think too many times people make the assumption that if a woman keeps her baby she'll end up abusing it. There are abusers that are natural mothers and abusers that are adoptive mothers. Adoptive families have the same issues as other families - divorce, financial hardships, illness, death, etc.... There's no guarantees anywhere. What I'm trying to do is prevent UNNECESSARY separations.

Simply because some adoptions work out fine for all involved doesn't mean we shouldn't try to change what's wrong with the system and help make it less painful.

L: "I'll be brief, too. The only side you are presenting is the bad side, so I didn't know if you saw any good side.
Women who have had abortions have all of the psychological & physical problems you mentioned of those whose place for adoption, plus the guilt of having killed  their child...especially substance abuse, depression, & suicide..
I DO believe that, in some cases, there is a connection between adoption & abortion in that, if adoption is not a viable possibility, many desperate women will choose abortion rather than attempt to deal with the situation.  Do you honestly believe that all women in problem pregnancies would choose parenting over abortion if adoption were not available?
I'm basically saying, as I keep repeating, don't literally, "throw the baby out with the bath water."
Don't try to destroy the whole adoption system because of the things you don't like about it.
I have only a few months experience at the pregnancy center, but, even in that short time, I talked to one young woman who saw abortion as her only possibility.  She didn't want an abortion but felt she did not want to parent either.  She'd never even considered adoption, but seemed relieved and willing to hear more.
Also abortion is not a decision just made in the lst trimester...it's legal right up until delivery in FL & expectant moms considering adoption can change their mind right up until that point also.  The possibility of adoption vs either parenting or abortion gives them almost 9 mos. to think about what they are going to do.

I know it is very hard to be entirely objective when you have been hurt, but, if you are going to be crusading on this subject, you need to be aware that the media is very happy to show only the bad side of things w/o ever balancing it with the good."

So that was the conversation with this friend of a family member. At this stage in the conversation I didn't feel like there was any point in going on with it. It seemed like we were at an impasse. No matter what I said she was going to come back with the usual rhetoric about abortion vs. adoption and I wasn't going to change her mind about anything. I don't know if I gave her something more to think about or if we were just both beating our heads against the wall. What are your thoughts?

Something new

 

I want to share some info. I've put together a book of my paintings and poetry in the Silent Voices series and it's now available on Amazon. The Kindle version of the book is free for today only. Here's the description....

The story of adoption is seldom told from the natural mother's point of view. Eleven full color paintings with narrative poetry tell a story of loss, longing, power, powerlessness, surrender, grief, family and meaning. It represents the spiritual and physical connection that women have with their children and what happens when that connection is lost at birth. It's about children losing their identities and their histories, their families and their truth. It's a story lived and seen through the eyes of a mother who lost a child and a person who lost a paternal history. Each painting represents one moment in time, one aspect of living with adoption.

To get your free copy click here. If you miss the free copy and you're an Amazon Prime member you can borrow the book for free. I'd love to hear your thoughts......

How natural mothers are treated.....

The Vessel

48x36

oil

Young and supple,

keeper of the precious.

Lifeblood pulses, cells are shared.

Body to body the history flows.

Your role ends here,

one's beginning is another's demise.

The cargo delivered to the waiting

who think the cure has arrived.

Cracked and worn,

the vessel waits

to be unearthed,

discovered by the one it bore.

What Remains

What Remains

48x36

Standing at the edge,

treading lightly,

casting what's left of myself.

Who I was is gone.

This is what remains.

Bought and sold,

before and after.

Thoughts move from light into shadow.

One event, one moment,

became 2 lifetimes changed.

Holding thoughts of her, 

protected in the small dark place,

time moves in and out of the light.

With her,

in the sun,

who would we have been?

Did you know......

that there are laws governing the age at which a kitten or puppy can be adopted? The below info was taken from the Animal Legal & Historical Center. 

“How old must a puppy be prior to being offered for sale?”

"The answer to this question, like just about any question in law, depends on where you live.  Approximately eighteen states have laws or administrative regulations that dictate how old a puppy must be before it is offered for sale or adopted out to an owner.  Of those states with laws, all but one require that a puppy be at least eight weeks old before being offered for sale (See Pennsylvania and Nebraska, for example).  Virginia mandates that a puppy be at least seven weeks old. Other states focus on the separation of the puppy or kitten from its mother in addition to specifying a minimum age. Nevada's  recently amended law provides that a  retailer, dealer, or operator shall not separate a dog or cat from its mother until it is 8 weeks of age "or accustomed to taking food or nourishment other than by nursing., whichever is later." [emphasis added]. Likewise,  Illinois also phrases its law with the idea that a puppy or kitten shall not be "separated from its mother" until the puppy or kitten has attained the age of 8 weeks." 

"What happens in those states without such laws?  This answer is less than clear.  Certainly a retailer who sells a puppy not yet weaned from his or her mother and able to eat on his or her own is not acting in the best interests of the puppy.  Should the puppy then die or suffer inhumanely, despite the best efforts of the pet purchaser, the retailer could conceivably face animal cruelty charges.  Moreover, in those states that have enacted pet purchaser protection laws (click here for those states), a possible claim that the merchant violated an implied warranty could be raised.  Without a definitive law, the best action by a purchaser is to research the breed he or she wishes to purchase or talk to a veterinarian."


This is the law in my state of FL - 4) A person may not transport into the state for sale or offer for sale within the state any dog or cat that is less than 8 weeks of age.


This is the law in my state of FL regarding infants and adoption - (b) A consent to the adoption of a minor who is to be placed for adoption may be executed by the birth mother 48 hours after the minor’s birth or the day the birth mother is notified in writing, either on her patient chart or in release paperwork, that she is fit to be released from the licensed hospital or birth center, whichever is earlier. A consent by any man may be executed at any time after the birth of the child. The consent is valid upon execution and may be withdrawn only if the court finds that it was obtained by fraud or duress.
(c) If the minor to be adopted is older than 6 months of age at the time of the execution of the consent, the consent to adoption is valid upon execution; however, it is subject to a revocation period of 3 business days.

Clearly something is wrong here. It's in the best interest of puppies and kittens to remain with their mothers for at least 7 or 8 weeks yet a baby can be bought when he's only 2 days old. It's not only ok, but the law is definitely on the side of the brokers and adopters because when a mother signs that consent while she's still in the hospital, it's rock solid. There's no going back. There is no revocation period for the mother unless the child is older than 6 months of age and even then it's only 3 days.


This is a great set up. Get the PAPs together with a young, impressionable pregnant woman, have them bond with her, spend time with her, be there for her, have them calling her "their birthmother". Then, when it comes time for little one to be born, have the PAPs be there while she's in labor and even go into delivery with her. Some even cut the cord! If a mother can sign a consent in 2 days it's certainly good for the brokers to have  lobbyists like the NCFA working for them to make sure legislation doesn't give a mother any leeway. They want their clients to be able to take the baby home and rest easy that they won't be bothered by some pesky, grieving mother. According to their own website, NCFA is a strong advocate for federal and state policies that advance a culture of adoption throughout the United States and world. Under "Birthparent Issues" they say....


"There are currently a number of bills before Congress that address issues affecting birthparents. Both birthmothers and birthfathers often face many challenges, before and after placing a child for adoption. Some of the challenges birthparents face include resistance to adoption from family and friends, feelings of grief and loss, and misinformation about adoption. Many people still misunderstand or even stigmatize birthparents,
despite the loving, difficult choice they make in order to ensure the well-being of their children."


Their purpose is to advance a culture of adoption, not work in the best interests of infants. Can you imagine if they actually advocated for legislation that would help mothers and babies stay together for at least 8 weeks ensuring that the mother is making a fully informed decision? They even say they're concerned about the "challenge" of a mother's family being resistant to the idea of adoption. Of course they're concerned about it. Why would they want a family to stick together and help each other out when instead the brokers can make a bundle on that little bundle. The NCFA has dues to collect from those agencies. How many babies would actually be adopted if there were a law similar to the one for dogs and cats which stated that a mother and baby could not be separated for the child's first 8 weeks of life? My guess is damned few.

Is there enough rubble yet?

This picture reminds me of adoption. So many thousands of us suffered damage and so many more continue to suffer from past separations or current adoptions. A mother and child are separated at the baby's birth. The damage is done. Like a crash to the floor, this one act happens and the history of both mother and child is drastically and forever altered. And this act is no accident, it's well orchestrated by the powers that be, by society's attitudes, by churches, by agencies and by social workers.

For 40 weeks mother and baby were one being, connected physically and emotionally. The baby learned the voice of her mother, the heartbeat of her mother, the laugh of her mother, the rhythm of her mother. For 40 weeks the mother felt her baby inside her, felt her kick, felt her move, felt her bounce when she had the hiccups, felt her turn around, felt the love she has for her baby. Then, the manipulated mother goes through the motions and the system, believing what she's told and doing what she's told is best.

Some people believe that mothers are interchangeable and that an adoption happening at or soon after the baby's birth means that the child won't know the difference. Some believe that the mother can just go on with her career, new life and have more children. The adopted baby - as if born to the adopters. The mother - as if never given birth. Some think this is a win/win/win situation - what's to complain about? The damage done is what there is to complain about. Infant adoption is really a win/win/lose/lose situation. The two winners are the brokers and the adopters. The brokers make the money and the adopters get the coveted baby. The baby and the mother are the losers in the scenario. 

The winners don't want to hear the complaints from the losing side. How can they preserve the winning strategy for future brokers and adopters if they actually listen to what the losers have to say? If they listened and listened sincerely, they might be expected to do something about it. Adoptees aren't supposed to complain. Gratitude is expected of them. Damage? What damage? You would have ended up in foster care anyway. Did you want to end up in a dumpster? Look at the great life you got. Aren't you concerned about your adoptive parents feelings? Why would you want to search for your family, you have a family. Mothers aren't supposed to complain either. We weren't even allowed to grieve the loss of our babies. Just move along. Get a life. Get a job. Get a new family. Forget all about it. Now, even if the mother can see her child occasionally, she'd better tow the line. Don't be intrusive, don't nag for pictures, don't have any say in what happens to your child, just suck it up if the adopters change their minds about visits. He's not your child anymore, remember? Don't be a pest and the adoption won't close. No recourse for you.

This is what damage means. It means trauma, loss and heartbreak. It means hiding how you feel. It means pretending and lying. It means living a facade. It means doing whatever it takes to have contact with your child. It means secrets. It means doing whatever it takes to have contact with your natural parents and not hurting your adopters in the process. It means searching. It means grieving for decades. It means not knowing who you really are. It means years of birthdays and wondering. It means no medical history. It means loss of self and civil rights. For me, there was my life before the pregnancy and my life afterwards. The experience of losing my child was not just a matter of suffering damage, it was nearly a fatal blow. I'm not the same person I was before I lost my daughter and never will be again. That girl is gone.

The damage done is permanent. In order to survive I had to fill the cracks. Some were filled with the wall I built between me and my family. Although some healing has happened in the last 3 decades, I don't think the wall can ever come down completely. It's still needed in places to hold me together. Other breaks were filled with the family I created. My love for my husband and the 2 children I had with him cemented in me a will to keep going. Painting and love of art was the soft filler that let me expand and contract with whatever emotional state I was in at the time. The memory of my daughter's cry in the delivery room - the only sensory connection I was allowed with her - filled me with determination to find her.

It's hard for me to find beauty in this kind of history but I did find gold when I found my daughter and my 3 children were finally together. I know I'm stronger now. I have my voice and my power back but after being this broken, the repair work is an ongoing project. The pieces are everywhere, the fallout extreme. Selfishness and greed keep the aftermath of adoption invisible. How high will the rubble have to be before it's seen?

Today is not my day

Some are celebrating what's called Birth Mother Day today. This is not to take anything away from the women who find comfort in that kind of celebration. If you are a natural mother of adoption loss and you feel this helps you to deal with whatever feelings Mother's Day conjures up for you then so be it. It's not for me to stand in your way and I'm not judging. However, for me, I am a mother. I'm not that term. My motherhood is not going to be relegated to a separate day from other mothers. I am not less than. That's what the Saturday before Mother's Day means to me. It means I'm not worthy of being included with the other mothers who didn't walk this road and they got to raise all of their children.

The three beautiful people in the above photo are all mine. I birthed all of them. This photo was taken 10 years ago, the day they met for the very first time ever! Liz is the one on the left. She's the one I did not get to raise. I raised the other two but I'm still the mother of all three. I treasure this photo because it was a dream come true for me. I dreamed for years of the day when all my children would be in one place at the same time. I dreamed of what it would be like to see them studying each other's faces, recognizing each other in their features. I dreamed of seeing their 3 faces lined up and searching for the similarities. 

Here we are some years later. I'm in the middle with my girls on either side - my oldest and my youngest. There is no secondary label that I can put on my feelings about my children depending on who I raised and who I didn't so I won't accept a secondary holiday. Happy Mother's Day to me and all the other mothers out there whether you were blessed with the opportunity of raising your children or not.

Please don't thank me!

"Thank you for my child" This is one of those statements that makes me want to hurl. I see it all the time on adoptive parent sites and articles about adoption like this one. In this situation the adoptive mother says that the reason the natural parents of this little boy was surrendering their rights to him was because they couldn't afford a second child. Then she says...

"On the way to the hospital, only silence. The couple was so excited, but the two couldn’t express their feelings with words. So they stayed quiet during the car ride. The two knew the mother could change her mind at any time, and that her family did not want her to place the baby for adoption."

This child has extended family that want to be with him. They don't want to lose this little person who shares their DNA, who is part of their family. If they're expressing their desire for the mother to keep the baby then maybe they would be willing to help the mother. Yes, I know that this is ultimately the decision of the mother and father of that child, not the decision of the extended family but what I want to know is... were the parents coerced by an agency? Will they regret this in a very big way and regret it soon? 

Another thing I'm seeing online is people complaining that there's so much coercion going on in the other direction, meaning women being coerced into keeping their children. Frankly I have a hard time imagining anyone being coerced to keep their own baby. I know there are some mothers out there who really don't want their children. They do exist but I'll bet they are few and far between. In my case, all it would have taken was one sentence from my family - bring her home, we'll handle this together - that's it. Seven little words would have made all the difference in the world for so many lives.

"The baby was in a little bassinette next to her. I thought, ‘Oh no, the baby is right next to her.’ But then she said, ‘There he is.’ And so I walked over to her first and I hugged her. Then I went around to the bassinette.

“I peeked in, and I saw him. Oh, I just melted. I thought, ‘That’s my son.’ Like there, that’s him. He’s ours. And so at that point the papers aren’t signed yet. She has 24 to 48 hours to change her mind. But I picked him up and I held him."

My first thought here was - no, that's not your son, that's her son. 'Oh no, the baby is right next to her' - that tells me that her first thought was fear. Fear that if the mother got too close to her own baby she might change her mind. And, she only has 24 to 48 hours to change her mind - something else that is morally and ethically wrong with adoption as it is now.

This entire article was about the wants of this adopting couple without any regard whatsoever for the child OR the natural family.

“We got back to the hospital and Hannah meets us downstairs. She tells me that the birth mom was upstairs crying. She said that was the first time she ever saw her cry, and she said the birth mom looked down over Mason and she cried over him, and, um, that was sad. Because I thought, I could never give up my child.”

While telling the story, Rachel wiped tears from her cheeks. The memory is intensely sad to this woman who waited so long to have the chance to be a mother.

and, um, that was sad. Because I thought, I could never give up my child.”  

"That was sad."

"I could never give up my child."

Then why are you asking this mother to do it? What is it that's happening in your mind that makes it ok for you to put your needs ahead of this child's right to be with his mother. What is it in your mind that makes it ok for you to take a newborn baby away from his mother while she cries her heart out in agony? Do you think that your desire to be a mother is more important than the connection between this little baby and his mother? Apparently so. The author of this article thinks it's intensely sad for this woman who waited so long to be a mother. I'm sorry. I'm having a bit of trouble sympathizing with the author or the adoptive mother right now. What about the sadness of the natural mother and the pain she'll be dealing with for the rest of her life? What about the sadness of this child who has lost an entire family?

From this mother of adoption loss, I don't want to hear 'thank you'. 

Reel to Reel

Sometimes I see speculation online about natural mothers and how we feel. Others speak for us. They make assumptions about what we're thinking. They certainly make assumptions about what kind of people we are and it's usually based on someone they knew who adopted and "their" mother feels this or that. Sometimes people speak for us out of sheer meanness but sometimes it's just because they don't know or understand the position we're coming from. The public has been fed a line about us for so long and many of us were in the closet for so many years that there was no way any other perception could have developed. If we're not there to tell people the truth, how are they going to know?

As a mother from a closed adoption, the emotion can be so devastating and overwhelming that it can be hard to explain. It's a lifetime happening whether there's a reunion or not. For most of us it's not something that we move on from or get over. For me it's like a constant reel of questions that keeps playing in a loop over and over again. There are actually 2 reels. The pre-reunion reel and the post-reunion reel.

What are these questions and what do natural mothers worry about? I don't know about you or anyone else but this is my list. For those who have not been in these shoes, try to imagine all the emotion that goes along with questions like these.

Before reunion: 
Where is my child?
Is she alive?
How is she? Is she ok?
Is she being treated well by the people who are raising her?
Did they tell her she's adopted?
Does she wonder about me?
Does she like school? Did she go to college?
What color hair and eyes does she have?
Does she live near me or did they move out of state?
Could that child I saw this morning be my daughter?
Would people think I was weird if I asked about their child's birthday?
How does dealing with this affect the children I'm raising?
When do I tell my other children about their sister?
What about the rest of the family, when do I tell them?
How is this going to impact them?
How is it going to impact my relationship with them?
Is the trauma of my firstborn's birthday causing pain for my hubby or my raised children?
How do I get through the day at work on my child's birthday without falling apart?
Are they worried about me?
How do I hide this pain?
How do I duck out of conversations about adoption without giving myself away?
How do I deal with the family who did not welcome my firstborn when they're so excited about my second born and third born?
Who do I tell?
Why do I have to keep saying I have 2 children when I really have 3?
How do I cry without anyone seeing?
How do I get through another Mother's Day?
How do I get through her birthday year after year?
When should I start looking for her?
What will she think of me when I find her?
Is she looking for me?
Will she even want to see me?
Does she have siblings?
Will she be excited to find out she has a brother and sister?
Is she opening Christmas presents right now just like her brother and sister?
What is her other family like?
Is she happy?

After reunion:
What is she thinking?
Am I going to fall apart in the airport?
Is she going to like me?
Is she as excited about meeting as I am?
What will her adoptive family think?
How do I deal with this new role of mother to a daughter I haven't seen in 22 years?
How do I jump into being grandma to two little ones I've never met?
I'm her mother but at the same time I'm not. Where do I draw the line in this new relationship?
Do I act the same way with her that I do with my other two children?
Do we take it slow and just develop a friendship first?
What is she thinking?
How do I endure her adoptive mother when she's overly critical of my daughter?
How do I deal with things that are done that I strongly disagree with?
How do I get close when we live so far apart?
What is she thinking?
Why haven't I heard from her?
Why did she sound different on the last phone call?
Did I say something on the blog that bothered her?
Could I lose her again?
How could I endure that?
How would she feel if I started a blog about adoption?
Sometimes I'm talking about us on the blog, will that bother her?
Did I overwhelm her with my own emotion when we met?
Am I putting too much pressure on her?
What is she thinking?
If I back off will she think I don't care?
How do I deal with close family members who adopted a newborn and are shopping for another?
How do I deal with family who, when I tell the truth about adoption, tell me that what I say is total crap?
How do I now deal with this new feeling of loss when I see the entire childhood I missed?
How does she really feel?
Why didn't she answer the text message?
How long before we see each other again?
Am I just being paranoid?
Am I over-thinking?

Being a mother can be overwhelming at times when you actually get to raise the child. Imagine being a mother who had a child taken away at birth. Imagine what it would be like if your child were kidnapped. That's what it feels like - a kidnapping. There is no end in sight. The questions are always there no matter what is going on, no matter how many other children are born, no matter how happy a life may appear on the surface. Open or closed adoption, makes no difference. The open could close at any time resulting in another kidnapping.

This is the life of one natural mother.