Mothers in Exile

Hidden in shame, lies are told

about us, by us.

Gratitude for sacrifice slams the door.

Our motherhoods removed 

they think, they wish.

Behind the door our hearts beat, our arms empty, we wait.

Our children grow, we search and find.

Sometimes good, sometimes sad

but still we sit.......

Huddled together, a group outside.

The mainstream flows, comforted in their easy belief.

We push against the current hoping to get through.

Again the door slams shut.

Again we lean a little harder.

A small wave of light escapes from beneath.

Our stories are read.

Replies come fast and furious to put us in our place.

"just because you had a bad experience" they said.

Behind the door the words get larger.

Through mothers in exile silent voices heard.

Candles for the Cause

5x5

acrylic on canvas

I can't believe it's been at least a couple of weeks since I've been here to post. My schedule has just been crazy and I haven't had as much time to devote to the cause as I would like. Things will ease up by the end of April and I can get back to painting and blogging more often. For now I want to put this out there. I'm working with Origins-USA and I'm doing these small candle paintings to raise funds to help with their mission.

For the particulars, here's the blurb from Origins homepage -

"Birthdays hold enormous meaning for natural parents and adoptees. To commemorate what birthdays mean to us, artist and author carlynne hershberger is painting these birthday candles on 5x5" stretched canvas. they cost $30 plus $3 shipping. carlynne will donate $15 from each painting sold to origins-usa, so it can continue its important work.

Each painting is a one-of-a-kind work of art, so your painting will not look exactly like the one pictured. Each one will be personalized with the birth date of your child. Also, if you have a specific color you would like to see on the candle, let Carlynne know. To place your order, email paintings@origins-usa.org."

So, let me know if you're interested in a painting, just send an email to Origins.

I also want to say thanks to those who wrote such kind comments on my last post. It was a hard one for me to write and I appreciate all the support I've received - thank you!

Mothers in Exile

Mothers in Exile

mixed media

30x22

When I think of mothers like me who have lost children to adoption there are words that come to mind.... fractured, hidden, sad, exiled, grieving, broken, secrets, lies, missing, searching, darkness, compartmentalize, anger, denial, waiting. And then there are words like survival, strength and perseverance.

This is who we are. We grieve our lost babies. We love and cherish the babies we gave birth to later. We spend decades waiting for the day when all our children will be in the same room. We are women who were never able to have more babies and grieve the loss of their one and only. We separate the broken part of ourselves from our family lives so we can continue to live. We only let it peek through when the crack in the facade just can't be held together another second. For many of us that day was a birthday, that month was the birth month. We are the women who lie when asked how many children we have. We say two when we want to SCREAM 3!

We walk around in hiding. People would never guess this inner world of a mother of adoption loss. We're not supposed to tell. Pretending becomes second nature and it's this pretending that allows us to keep going. But, we can only keep going that way for so long. The damage that pretending does becomes too great and we have to start the reveal. Little by little we come out from behind the door and let people know what happened. Then some of us find, amazingly enough, that the world didn't cave in when we told our secrets. We even find other mothers who lived it and know. We find people who are willing to listen even if they don't understand and people who are so shocked at the stories we tell that they don't know how to take it in.

So, we persevere, keep telling the story and get a little bit stronger every time. We write, we paint and we sing and we try to make sense of the senseless acts done to us and our children. We're the mothers coming out of exile.