News, politics, adoption.... ugh

Sad and tired. I'm just sad and tired of everything right now. I want the election to be over, I want infant adoption to go away, I want people to stop shooting other people, I want people to stop victim blaming, I could go on and on. I think it might be time to hide under a rock for a while. I don't understand what's happened to people. Maybe nothing's actually happened and we're just seeing more of the hatefulness than we did before because of social media. I guess it's always been there, it's just more visible now. People are more vocal and public with their nastiness. Not only that.... they're trying to pass off the hate as humor and then blame the target of their hate for being too sensitive- "see, they're offended- can't take a joke".

This political meme has been making the rounds.

I'm guessing this is supposed to be funny but all I see here is the result of corporate owned newscasters/journalists entertainers creating a divide in our beautiful country. It's "us" vs "them" thinking. If we're too busy fighting each other we won't pay attention to what's going on. Is this really who we are? 

Too many people are buying into untruths or not bothering to read beyond headlines and are happy to jump to conclusions about others. It's easier to look at the headline and judge someone than it is to fact check, read or talk to people. Take a look at the way people have been judging the family who lost their 2 year old in the gator attack in FL. All you have to do is read the comments on articles about it. The horror of what that family must be going through right now is unimaginable yet there are people standing in judgement of them, blaming them, as if those parents aren't already doing that to themselves. I've lived in FL for over 4 decades. I know how dangerous gators are and I know they're everywhere. If there's a body of water there's likely a gator nearby but not everyone understands that, especially if not from the area.What the hell happened to compassion? As parents we've all made mistakes and children can get away from you in the blink of an eye. There but for the grace......

It's the same in adoptionland. First mothers are constantly being judged. Either we're brave and selfless or we're whores who should have kept our legs closed. Adoptive parents are either saviors or greedy adoptorapters. Adoptees are ungrateful children if they want to know where they come from. 

There are fights between first mothers over terminology. There are fights between adoptees over birth certificate legislation. There are fights between first mothers and adoptees over who can say what. And all the while the adoption industry is laughing it's way to the bank with that fat deposit.

Whether it's politics, adoption or a news story, the paintbrush has gotten way too broad. We're all guilty of it at times and it's time we cut that shit out and pay attention. I wish we could just stop and think before running our mouths and have some compassion for our fellow humans. Talk to people. Find out what the story is and really listen. Check the facts. We need to save our wrath for the ones who deserve it.

Crawling back under that rock now....

Well at least.....

Recently I was talking with someone about adoption and the different types of adoptees- adoptee-lite (step-parent adoptee like me), LDA or late discovery adoptee (like me) and of course adoptees who have always known they were adopted.

Anyway, we were having this discussion and I shared about someone I know who found out quite late in life that he was adopted. I felt that what was done to him was wrong. I understand what kind of upheaval that can create in a person's life. When hearing about the adoptee's situation this person's first reaction was to jump to the conclusion that the adoptee was just playing the "poor me" card. Apparently he just needed to choose a more positive outlook on life- look at the bright side- at least he didn't have major medical issues that were compounded by a hidden genetic history. At least he had adoptive parents..... at least.... at least......

I said that I thought this attitude was very dismissive of what the adoptee had been through. I expected more compassion from someone who knows me and knows what adoption does to people. The response was to actually say that he refused to give compassion when a positive outlook could be chosen. It was a refusal to put himself in another person's shoes. It was a refusal to even try to understand the feelings of another.

I'm sorry but that's not being positive or having an optimistic outlook, that's being condescending and dismissive of another person's story and the impact that story has on a life. I understand the importance of having a positive outlook. Choosing to use the pain of my own experience in a positive way is what's gotten me through the last 36 years of living with adoption. I get that! What I don't get are the assumptions- assuming the adoptee is using the experience to play "poor me", assuming the adoptee doesn't have a positive outlook, assuming that the adoptee is wallowing. He doesn't know the adoptee, has never had any contact with him whatsoever but was willing to assume that the adoptee just hadn't chosen the correct attitude.

This is no different than people assuming that first mothers and adoptees are all bitter and angry and should just get over themselves and quit talking about it. If you dare talk about the negative side of adoption you're just wallowing in misery and must have a terrible life. If we would just choose to be positive then of course the industry will fall in line and fix itself. Sure it will.

Isn't it possible to be positive and compassionate at the same time???

Does choosing to have a positive outlook mean that you're no longer allowed to express pain and anger? When you've been hurt, traumatized, had an awful thing happen to you, you will experience sadness and pain. What happens to those feeling then? They get bottled up, shoved down deep to eat away at you from the inside and who knows what kind of havoc that's causing your body. Have you every heard someone say they need a good cry? A cry can be good for you. It's releasing, it's cathartic, you feel better afterwards. What you don't need in that moment is someone telling you that you just need an attitude adjustment. The more positive feelings will happen after you let go of the crap that's built up.

Yes, we can choose to be positive. We can choose to be grateful for what we have and that's hugely important!! AND it's important to recognize the hurt that someone might be going through and empathize with them. Don't dismiss them as just having a poor attitude. Do some people wallow and spend their lives in misery when they can make another choice? Yes. Just don't assume that everyone who expresses pain is doing that.

Brene' Brown said "Rarely does an empathic response begin with- at least" Watch this short video from Brown about empathy and sympathy.

The discussion I had left me feeling sad and disappointed that this person didn't even want to understand what I was trying to say about empathy. I not only felt my friend was being dismissed but I was also dismissed as not having the proper attitude. Living with adoption is not a one time event. It's effects can be felt every single day of your life. You can choose to be positive in how you deal with it day to day and be a happy, productive member of society and there will still be days when it gets you down. Those are the days when a little understanding can get you through.

I think I'm coming to the conclusion that fear is at the bottom of this. People don't want to stand in another's shoes and empathize because that means feeling something painful themselves. It's much easier to wave it away and just say they need to be positive. What they don't realize though is what a huge, POSITIVE impact genuine empathy has for a person who is in pain.

But....

Over at iAdoptee I saw a list of blogs written by adoptive moms. I want to share this list because yesterday, in my last post I mentioned the lack of compassion in adoptive parents. That sense of entitlement is there in soooo many cases. The wanting of a baby can become so fierce that it seems to blind people to the damage that adoption does and the unethical practices that still exist. But.... there are a few adoptive parents who care about the consequences of adoption on children and their original families. They care about adoptees and their rights. Here's a sampling of what these moms have to say.

"One thing that I saw clearly these past two weeks is the irrefutable was the way the deck is stacked in favor of the adoptive parents at the expense of the parents who brought the child into the world.   I know that there are adoptive parents who loudly proclaim they are the real parents and they want the paperwork to show that. 

 But at what cost to the child and first family? 

 Adoptees have two sets of parents and if you, as an adoptive parent, can't deal with that. maybe adoption isn't for you."  ~ I Will Pull This Blog Over!

"Because of the privilege at our backs, I think we as adoptive parents have an obligation to work to leave space for and draw attention to first parent and adoptee voices, especially those who expose adoption's complexities and dangers." ~ Production Not Reproduction

"As a grandmother, I don't have a lot of years left to fight for open records. How sweet it would be if more of the younger generation would take an active role in overturning archaic (since the 1930s) laws that deny a minority group their birthright." ~ Adoption Talk

"2) Adoptions frequently occur as a result of a lack of resources (money, housing, etc.) on the part of the biological parents. Adoption moves one person (the adoptee) into a situation in which some of his or her basic needs can be better met but does not examine the larger social and political issues at work. It is a tragedy, and a societal failure, when biological parents cannot raise their children because of lack of resources, but the seeming "fix" of adoption prevents us from seeing it as such.

3) Coercion of first mothers: I wish I could say this was a thing of the past, but it's not. Too many women dealing with unplanned pregnancies still find themselves pressured, and even manipulated, into relinquishment."  ~ Love is Not a Pie

"Because In the history of the world, no one ever washed a rental car. We care only about what we own.

I heard this phrase yesterday in a radio interview with Aaron David Miller. The subject was peace in the Middle East, but it struck me immediately how applicable this phrase was to adoptee rights. It makes me really angry to observe how nonplussed the majority of lawmakers are about adoptee rights, and I think this little phrase offers at least a part of the explanation." ~ Third Mom

Define compassion

I know exactly how Susie feels.... In her recent post she talks about the label she's given sometimes - "anti-adoption". I imagine that's what people think I am too. I really don't care. I don't care about the label itself. What I do care about is whether or not the people who say that really understand WHY I feel the way I do.

"I honestly do not understand how people don't see the terrible wrongs in infant adoption. 

I honestly don't understand how a woman could watch a new mother crying over losing her child, yet think it's "the right thing". 

I will never understand a prospective parent being angry that a mother and child are able to stay together.  Yes ~ I understand that their hopes of finally being a parent themselves are dashed.  But to be angry at a mother for deciding to parent her baby ~ the baby that she has nurtured in her womb for nine months?  The baby that she has been agonizing over for the last several months?  The baby that she loves more than life itself?  Is their grief so deep that they no longer have any compassion?  Could that prospective mother and/or father really feel good about taking the baby from the mother if she wasn't 100% sure that she did not want to raise the baby herself?" 


In this post I mention my 'anti' and 'pro' lists regarding infant adoption. Like Susie says above, I have a hard time understanding how people can possibly think it's a good thing when a mother and child are separated. Well, we really do know why.... it's because the first thought for the agency or the adoptive parent is what's in it for them. I think she nailed it when she said they no longer have any compassion. Compassion is what's missing. Feeling compassion would mean feeling the other person's pain. It would mean not thinking of their own need for money in the case of the industry or parenthood in the case of the couple.

compassion - the humane quality of understanding the suffering of others and wanting to do something about it

If compassion were really felt by those involved in adoption, there would actually be very few adoptions. The work being done would be to help alleviate the root of the problem in most infant adoptions - lack of support for the mother and poverty. I googled the word compassion so I could post the definition. See above. Then I saw the thesaurus listing below. Even in an online dictionary site adoption is mentioned as an example - are you kidding me!? How ironic that it's mentioned in connection with the word compassion. To me, money isn't the root of evil, lack of compassion is. We've all been guilty of it at one point or another, in big ways and small. We see it every day in the way we judge and label each other. But, in adoption, an entire industry is built on a lack of compassion while painting itself as the very definition of it.

compassionateness

heartstrings - your deepest feelings of love and compassion; "many adoption cases tug at the heartstrings"

fellow feeling, sympathy - sharing the feelings of others (especially feelings of sorrow or anguish)

tenderheartedness, tenderness - warm compassionate feelings

mercifulness, mercy - the feeling that motivates compassion

Where is the compassion for the mother who is grieving the loss of her child? Where is the compassion for the child who is losing not only a mother, but an entire family? Open adoption - you say? No. Most of them close at some point. How is it good for a child to be told that his mother surrendered him to adoption because she "loves" him? Of course she loves him but is that really the reason why? What kind of picture does that paint for the child?  How does the child internalize that? If the adoption does remain open, what does he think when his natural mother visits him and then goes home to raise her other children but doesn't take him with her? What does that do to a little one's heart? I still have only one thing on my 'pro' list. That's where the compassion lies. Lack of compassion is what caused the long 'anti' list.


My 'anti' list.....
mothers and babies being separated unnecessarily.
agencies and brokers making tens of thousands of dollars on the sale of babies
price lists for babies - oh, pardon me.... "situations"
pro-adoption language like the word "situations"
college scholarships for mothers who surrender their children for adoption
organizations like NCFA who lobby for the brokers
the lies of open adoption
the unenforceable open adoption
the time frames in which a mother can sign surrender papers
the ridiculously short revocation period for the mother - in many cases, the non-existent revocation period.
agencies advertising for and recruiting pregnant women
PAP's advertising for babies 
pre-birth matching
PAP's in the hospital with a mother when she's giving birth
the connection between abortion and adoption
adoption used as solution by pro-lifers
adoption used as solution to poverty
the lack of resources for mothers and children
the sense of entitlement that many PAP's have
adoption being viewed as a solution to infertility
adoptees not having access to their own personal history
sealed original birth certificates


My 'pro' list.
true orphans or children in need being taken care of by a family