There, I fixed it for them

One of the things that makes me crazy is the blatant coercion that agencies use to lure in single, pregnant women. I can't even count the number of times I've heard that expectant mothers always have a choice. "No one held a gun to your head" is a common line. "You're the one who signed the papers" is another one. Why don't people understand that coercion takes many forms and sometimes that gun is shaped like this simple piece of paper.

I was poking around online the other day and came across this agency site. One of the most reliable "guns" in their arsenal is this piece of paper. Can you imagine being a young woman, single, pregnant, not knowing where to find resources or who to turn to? You think you found help and are then faced with this worksheet. Do you think the agency is going to give the woman information about where she can find resources to parent? Of course not. They're just going to show her this list and explain to her why the HAPs are so much better than she is. They'll grind down her resolve number by number until she surrenders.

So here, I printed the form and filled it out for them. This is what a mother has to offer. This is what every expectant mom needs to put on her list.

And for those who can't read my messy handwriting....

  1. Love

  2. The safety of remaining with the only heartbeat and voice she knows.

  3. Health benefit of mother's milk.

  4. True birth certificate with all rights intact.

  5. True identity and name.

  6. Forever relationship with extended family.

  7. Forever relationship with siblings.

  8. Freedom from the damage of separation trauma.

  9. Medical history.

10. Genetic mirroring.

11. Freedom from the feeling of abandonment.

12. Knowledge that her mother did everything in her power to keep her and love her.

13. Knowledge that she'll never have to worry about APs closing an open adoption and keeping her          family from her.

My guess is, a child would be pretty damn happy with mom's list and glad they both dodged the adoption bullet.

Baby Scoop Era, "brave" love and fairy dust

This past year I haven't spent as much time in adoptionland as I used to but lately I've waded back into the fray- just here and there, long enough to comment on an occassional group post. 

What's really bothering me? I can't really put my finger on it but it's probably a whole list of things. How can there not be when it comes to adoption- the list is long. For one thing, I started reading Karen's book. I'm only a fraction of the way into it but I have to give it a plug. The research compiled here is mind boggling. And disturbing. I'm highlighting like mad and sticking post-its all over.

Like the history we've all been talking about in politics, with the hopes of never repeating such happenings, this is the history of adoption in the US. And, like politics, there are too many people sticking their fingers in their ears while yelling lalalalalalala- I can't hear you!

Who are these people when it comes to adoption? Other mothers like me, not mothers my age but young ones. The ones who surrendered in recent years, the newbies to this life. Other moms like me get on the forums and groups to try to give a bit of historical perspective to the conversations but more often than not we get put in our place- told we're just bitter because we regret our "decision". We're told that surrendering is the "brave" thing to do. These are the women who encourage other women to surrender their babies. Just yesterday when Saving Our Sisters was mentioned, someone came back saying that they're nothing but negativity and anti-adoption. 

This is the most mind boggling of all to me. Why would someone who is experiencing the most awful grief encourage someone else to willingly jump into that pool of  misery with them. I guess the saying about misery loving company is true. It's incredibly heartbreaking to witness a young mother write about having zero regrets in letting her child go. Does she really believe that? Does she think about how that belief will affect her child when that adoptee is all grown up and reads that her mother was glad she surrendered? Would it make you feel good to hear... "I'm so glad I gave you to strangers when you were born". That's basically what she's saying. I certainly wouldn't want to hear that.

It makes me sad. So very sad to read....

Her children deserved more than she could give them at the time. "At the time" tells me the situation was temporary. She lost her children because of a temporary situation. That's adoption speak for - you don't have enough stuff right now so give your children to people who have more. If that were really the right thing to do I would have handed my son over to someone who had a house. I was living in a small apartment at the time he was born. If that were really the right thing to do I would have handed over my 3rd child to someone who had a house AND a pool, maybe even a horse or two. I had a house at the time but it was very small and we pinched a lot of pennies. Maybe we should all just shift our children to the folks in the next income bracket. The agencies would love that. Imagine how much more money they would make.

I realize we live in a consumer society but isn't this taking things a bit far? It costs tens of thousands to buy a baby and women are losing their babies because they don't have enough. Everything can be purchased here including humans.

Claudia does a great job explaining who these people are - meaning BraveLove. When I first saw the post pictured above there were close to 400 comments. When I checked just now the number of comments was down to 135. Hmmmmm..... could it be they've deleted a few because they didn't fit the narrative they want? They also had 3 one star reviews but now the review section is deleted. I commented and got a screen shot because who knows how long before they delete me too.

This is the mission statement from Bravelove:

"To change the perception of adoption through honest, informative, and hopeful communication that conveys the heroism and bravery a birth mother displays when she places her child with a loving family through adoption."

Deleting hundreds of comments from people who know the truth about the adoption industry doesn't seem so honest to me. It's not exactly informative either is it? They do foster hopeful communication though. The kind that's sprinkled with fairy dust and rainbow colors. Don't you dare question them or challenge them! Why? Because....

This is an agency funded page using young mothers to coerce other young mothers into surrendering their babies.

In the early days of the Baby Scoop Era, single pregnant women were seen as "sick" "unfit" and "deviant", certainly not brave and heroic. From Karen's book, page 60.....

"We know a great deal about the unmarried or natural mother...that she is not bad, but rather that she is sick... Not only is one attempting to help the unmarried mother develop more mature methods of solving her problems than through her solution of getting pregnant, but one  also is usually able to help the unmarried mother give up her baby for adoption... (Littner, 1955)"

According to Karen's research, we were also seen as needing punishment.

"The applicant who wants none of the agency or the caseworker is obviously the hardest one to reach, engage or even tolerate... [I]t is this client... who is troubling the community's peace of spirit (such as the unwed mother)... What is social work for... if not to make social beings of these unfortunate misfits or to protect society against their depredations? Where can they be helped or dealt with, if they are not to be put in places of confinement and punishment?...Of the several professions that use psychological means of influence, that of social work consistently encounters the problem of the unwilling client. Caseworkers... work out ways by which to engage the unwilling person (Perlman, 1957)."

Just one more paragraph from the book, page 62...

"It was even recommended by the professionals that if an unmarried pregnant female was unwilling to surrender her baby for adoption, the social worker should be 'decisive, firm, and unswerving' in finding a 'healthy solution to the girl's problem' by targeting that woman's mother to make sure the baby would be surrendered. According to Dr. Marcel Heiman, clinical professor of psychiatry at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine, 'The I'm going to help you by standing by while you work it through approach will not do. What is expected from the worker is precisely what the child expected but did not get from her parents - a decisive No!'" (Heiman, 1960)

Wow. Not only did they have their outright shaming techniques down pat, they also used their methods on the girl's family. Now the agencies have trained young "birthmothers" to put us older mothers in our place by calling us bitter and angry while calling new surrendering mothers selfless and brave. They know that calling us misfits just won't work anymore so now we're brave. They just swung the coercion pendulum the other way and have done such a good job of it that they've convinced mothers to convince more mothers that surrendering their newborn is the brave and loving thing to do.

These young mothers fight us when we talk about the truth because in order for them to face the truth about adoption, they have to admit they've been duped and no one wants to admit something like that. Sometimes misery does love company but I think in some of these cases, their defending adoption so vehemently, is nothing more than a shield to protect themselves from the devastating grief that would follow the realization that they were taken advantage of. So the agencies have learned not only how to use women effectively in order to make money from their babies, but also how to use those same women to reel in more targets for adoption.

I've done enough rambling for today. It's too sad to think about anymore.

*Update 8/28*

I've gone back to the BraveLove page and commented again, and yes, all my comments are deleted. This is one of them. I think you can tell why. Of course they don't want expectant moms to read that they're being manipulated. The fact that they continue to delete the truth and cover up their tactics should make it pretty clear that it's hitting a nerve and exposing them for what they are- baby brokers.

This thread was also deleted...

Shame on them for hiding the truth and participating in the legal human trafficking known as infant adoption.

It's all about awareness

Well it's done. The opening of Silent Voices happened and I survived it. Of course I was a nervous wreck for a little while but still I was pleased with how everything turned out.

This was the gallery space before the reception. I was thrilled with how well everything came together. The paintings fit the space beautifully and hanging didn't take very long at all. The poetry worked along side the artwork.

There was a lot going on in Macon Friday night so the turn out for the reception was not what I had hoped it would be. The people who did come were genuinely interested in the story behind the work, they took the time to read about each piece and asked me questions about the adoption industry. Several people were shocked by what they learned.

I spent quite a bit of time with one couple who were curious about the topic because friends of theirs were considering adopting. They had gone to agency websites and were appalled at the prices they saw there. They wanted to know what was behind it so they got an earful and a new understanding of the industry.

There were two points I wanted to get across with the exhibit. 1. Explain what the BSE was and how pregnant women were treated. 2. How and why the industry has morphed into what it is today. Maybe I only got to speak to a handful of people but if those few learned something about the other side of adoption then it was a success and well worth doing the show. It's all about awareness.

These 2 pieces were the last ones I painted. I couldn't get a good picture because of where they were hanging- there was a post in the way. These are called Adoption Situation, referring to the listings on adoption agency websites where babies are listed along with a price.

Scared and alone she reached out.

Come with us they said.

I’m in a situation.

We’ll take good care of you they said.

I can’t afford a baby.

We know people who can they said.

I don’t know what to do.

We’ll help you make a “plan” they said.

My family doesn’t understand.

We do. We can take care of that situation they said.

I don’t know if I can do this.

You’ll be brave and selfless they said.

This looks like a nice couple.

The couple in the brochure is better than you they said.

I’ll miss my baby.

You love him so much you’ll let someone else raise him they said.

I want time with my baby first.

But they need to bond with him they said.

I can’t do this. I want my baby back.

Too late, the check has been cashed they said.

It's really getting personal

Hi ya'll. Last year I talked about doing an exhibit with my Silent Voices series in Macon GA in April of '16. (Yikes, it's been that long since writing here!) Well, turns out it was on the schedule for February! So...... this week I'm delivering 15 canvases to the 567 Center for Renewal in downtown Macon. For the folks who might be in the area, the opening reception is Friday the 5th at 6pm.

Because the exhibition is happening sooner than I had planned I'm not able to add all the pieces I had hoped to- namely the ones with the stories shared by you. I hope to continue working on and adding to this series as time goes on so I do still plan on adding your stories as another element to the show. For now I'm doing well to finish painting the last canvas along with doing the other bits and pieces required for such an event.

Here you can see bits and pieces of 4 of the canvases. 15 of these 48x36 paintings take up some space in my house!

So why am I doing this? This isn't a selling show. I do portrait commissions, teach art classes and paint landscapes that sell through galleries. What's the point of borrowing a vehicle and hauling these things to another state and then a few weeks later going back to pick them up again. The point is the heart. It's a labor of love. The point is opening minds. The point is having a voice when for the majority of time mother's voices are not only overlooked but intentionally shut down- and sometimes not in a very nice way. We're just bitter and angry old ladies after all.

For the most part though, I think people just don't know. They don't understand what infant adoption means because they've been so filled with the industry propaganda of rainbows and unicorns- adoption is beautiful don't you know? I saw a meme on Facebook today that struck me as appropriate when thinking about doing this exhibit....

The timing for that was perfect. Yesterday I was having a mini panic attack at the thought of putting these paintings out there. They are very personal and I've never shared them anywhere except here where I'm not face to face with anyone. It's easy to share on the internet. It's harder when you're looking a stranger in the eye and having to explain what the work means. I've been working on these canvases for a few years because I have to do these in between the projects that pay the bills so doing this show is a big deal for me. It's the culmination of a lot of time, tears, thought and therapy.

Another bit of timing that was perfect..... remember I said these canvases take up a lot of space? In the process of preparing I had to move things around the studio and office. The earlier canvases have been stored in front of a bookcase in my office for quite a while. Well, you know how the domino effect works. Once I moved them out of the way I had to clean out the bookcase- because I could. While I was sorting things I came across an old notebook. Only the first page had been written on.

It said....
"My roommate Lanny and I went to the drugstore down the street and bought a pregnancy test. My heart was pounding, she was trying to be supportive but all I could feel was the screaming fear pulsing in my veins. The only words going through my head were- can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be happening to me. I'm just stressed, that's why I'm late. Other little voice saying- but you've never been late before. The 'can't be' chanting continued in my head all the way back to the apartment, the hot Ft. Lauderdale sun beating me down block after block."

I have no idea when or why I wrote that. Maybe it was the very beginning of the notion that sharing would be a good idea. It just seemed to me to be the voice of my 19 year old self showing up just in time to remind me to keep going, to put on my big girl panties and deal with sharing these paintings- in person.

See you in Georgia.

This means war?!

Imbalance of Power

I haven't been here in a while. You know how it is.... life gets in the way. There are things like survival- trying to make ends meet as a self-employed artist. It's more than a full time job. Sometimes when in survival mode that's all you can deal with. That doesn't mean I don't think about adoption and how things are going in the adoption reform movement. Oh how I wish I could be more involved. I still share articles on Facebook and comment when I can. I still read and follow what's happening. Of course there's been much more of that recently because of National Adoption Awareness Month- that dreaded month that we write about, focus on and try to use to make a difference.

If you've read here before you may know that I'm not only a first mother who lost a daughter to the adoption machine but I'm also a late discovery step-parent adoptee and I'm very proud to be associated with the Lost Daughters. Although I think and write more from the first mother perspective, my sisters there have welcomed me with open arms. I'm so very proud of my adoptee sisters and the #flipthescript campaign and the Flip the Script video that has been the talk of #NAAM. If you haven't seen it yet you must check it out.

So what got me fired up and back on the blog? The push back on #flipthescript. I just read a gem of a post by an adoptive mother. To begin, she calls the post "the war on National Adoption Month". Really? We're at war? If an adoptee talks about her experience as an adult adoptee and it doesn't conform to the industry standard of adoption propaganda, apparently thems' fightin' words. If a person who was/is adopted, talks about what it was like for her to be adopted and how complex that experience is and was for her, she's waging a war. The simple act of telling her story means she's at war? That's a bit extreme isn't it? According to the industry and it's proponents- adoption is beautiful and don't you dare say anything to the contrary. Don't you know that? Because apparently, if you talk about your own personal experience, you're making some other folks mighty uncomfortable. So uncomfortable in fact that they see it as an attack.

Her first paragraph.... and I'll answer her here since it's not likely that my comments will make it past moderation on her blog.

"Adoptees are “flipping the script” during National Adoption Month, sharing the other, unattractive side of adoption. It’s their right. I’m not an adoptee and can’t speak for them, but part of me doesn’t like seeing this opportunity of beauty turned into something that’s looked down upon."

"I'm not an adoptee and can't speak for them" Isn't that the point of flipping the damned script?? Adoptive parents and the industry professionals have had the floor for decades. It's about time the other people who live and breath adoption- the adoptees and the natural mothers- have a say. No, you're not an adoptee so you have no idea what an adoptee feels about adoption. You have hearsay, you have anecdotes by others, you have stories you've heard, you have your experience with your child who is not yet an adult with adult views. There is no triad in adoption. There are 4 sides and only 2 of them have had the country's ear until now- the adoption industry and the adoptive parents.

"Why is it beautiful? Because I can separate what my children went through, their abuse, neglect, and trauma, from their adoption. What they went through before foster care, I would compare with hell, what they went through while visiting their bio parents while in foster care wasn’t much better, but now we see new lives, new people emerging. Beauty."

What you see as beauty, your adopted child may see differently. This is beautiful for you. Maybe you can separate it but can your child? This is your child's history. For one thing... why are you sharing such personal details of your child's history with the world? This is his story, his to share when he is ready. If he's ready at all, ever. It's not up to you. It's not your life. When he is an adult, his view of adoption may be vastly different than yours and that's ok.

"That’s why “flipping the script” on adoption day is so painful. The world is taking what is often a positive event and turning the tables, focusing on those who don’t feel it was a good thing for them."

No, they're focusing on the voices of adopted people, period. That's the point. Whether that person's story is happy, sad, angry, or a mix of all of those, the point of flip the script is to give them the opportunity to use their voice and be heard- be heard without being interrupted by the people in the equation who are the beneficiaries of a corrupt and unethical system.

"Those who are "flipping the script" aren't adoptees who are happy and content with their adoption experience, they're the ones who are angered, feel like something was done to them. The ones who feel they were ripped from their first family, from their country, are hurt by positive adoption language."

Every adoption begins with loss and pain no matter how you slice it or how much positive adoption language you want to throw at it. That PAL was developed by the adoption industry and put into place for a reason- to separate mothers from their babies. That is the sole function of the new words -  to describe what is a tragedy in more palatable terms. 

The "angry adoptee". This is the most common argument thrown at adoptees (and mothers of loss). "You're just angry and bitter". Damn straight I'm angry. Does that mean I'm an angry person? No. My life is just fine but that doesn't mean I shouldn't talk about the experiences I've had and how they've affected me. And, under the circumstances, anger is a perfectly normal reaction to experiences that were beyond our control. We take back our control now by using that anger in a positive and constructive way. 

ALL adoptees have been taken from their original families in one way or another, whether taken forcefully because of abuse or taken from a new mother through coercion or by the courts legally severing all connection with the family through sealed birth records. As an adoptive parent you feel adoption is beautiful. That's great for you but don't diminish or dismiss what adopted people have to say about their life experience. 

"The adoptees who aren't speaking out (and far outnumber those who are calling out adoption) are the ones who are satisfied in life, the ones who accept their adoptive family as their own, ones who've found their birth family and either have a good relationship with them or have decided to let it be."

And here I just have to say- IMO- you're wrong. The vast majority of adoptees I know who are speaking out, are simply trying to make a difference for future adoptees. They ARE satisfied in life. They just want people to understand that adoption is far more complex than what the industry wants the public to believe. They're trying to balance out the narrative so it can be understood that there is more to the story than the story of the happy adoptive parents and the well payed adoption professionals.

"I don't want to belittle anyones experience, after all, it's their own. I can't speak as an adoptee. Maybe there should be separate months, one for National Adoption Month and a month for adoptees to share their feelings, like an Adoptee Awareness Month."

You want to give adoptees a month to speak? How generous. Why should we separated? Haven't we had enough separation as it is??? Hasn't the mic been monopolized by the most powerful voices already? I also deal with this idea as a mother of loss. We have "Birthmother's Day" which I refuse to acknowledge. I celebrate my motherhood on Mother's Day along with all the other mothers. I was still a mother after my daughter was taken from me and I'm still an adoptee the other 11 months of the year. Don't tell me when I can speak.

Dear Prospective Adopters

I woke up early this morning and the first thoughts that went through my head were about the comments I've seen on news articles about Veronica Brown and other similar cases. I've noticed a common theme among the comments by prospective adopters - the idea that "birthparents" can come back at any time to reclaim their children. I've seen many say, and I've personally heard people say, that's why they would rather adopt from over seas than adopt from within the U.S. They don't want to run the risk of parents wanting their children back. They want complete ownership.

Why is it that the child's original parents are always the ones vilified instead of the adoption agencies? Cases like Veronica's and others give the impression that parents can choose to just walk in and demand their child be returned to them. These people are either misguided by untrue news reports or are willfully ignoring the truth. I don't know of a single state where that is possible. Some states have a time period where a mother can change her mind. It  might be 3 days or 30 days and there are some, like my state of FL, where there is NO revocation period. None, zip, nada. Once you sign on the dotted line and you can do that only 24 hours after giving birth, there is no going back. You can change your mind on buying a car but you can't change your mind on forever altering yours and your baby's life.

Then why do I keep seeing these comments about the evil "birthparents coming out of the woodwork YEARS later to take the children"?

Dear prospective adopters,

Of course the first thing I would say to you would be - don't adopt. Don't take another woman's baby. You have no idea what that will do to her and the child.

Do your research. Really think about why children like Veronica end up in a tug of war. Instead of blaming the original parents, how about looking at the adoption agencies and how they operate. Really look at their practices for what they are - unethical and coercive. Really research and understand coercion. Understand that most infants were gained that way, through coercion. Notice I said most, not all. If you don't do this and you just go along with whatever the agency tells you, you run the risk of taking a baby from a family that wants and loves that baby. You run the risk of traumatizing a child for no reason other than your wants.

If you were duped out of your baby wouldn't you fight back? Instead of just blaming the parents, how about following the money. Take a closer look at what the agency is doing. If you find out after only a few weeks or months that what the agency did was wrong or that either of the parents wants to raise their child, do the right thing. Give that child back to the parents! Don't drag it out in court trying to hang on to someone who doesn't belong to you because the one who is getting hurt the most is the child. I know it will hurt you but there are other children out there who really do need you and that baby only has one natural/biological/original family. He or she has the right to be with them.

Please stop making this about what you want. Make it about the child.

If you want to do something, stop looking for pregnant girls who aren't wearing a wedding ring and start looking for the children who really need help. There are plenty of them out there. Yes, there are some really bad parents who abandon, abuse or neglect their kids. Those kids need you. They need your help but they don't need their names to be changed or their identities wiped out. They need your love, not your ownership.

Stop believing whatever the adoption agencies tell you. I know how much you want to believe them but don't. They lie. And please realize that your demand for an infant is what's keeping this horrible adoption industry going. They're not only still going - they're thriving to the tune of 13 billion $ a year. That's your money! Can you think of a better way to spend it besides lining the pockets of people who think it's ok to lie, cheat and steal babies?

There are some adoptive parents out there who get it. They've come to understand what the industry does to families and exactly how they make their billions. Please, please read what they have to say. Read what adult adopted people have to say. Read what original families have to say. It's easy to do, just google. The list of blogs is long. Don't just read what adoption agencies have to say. The agency is just catering to you and telling you what you want to hear because, of course, you're the one paying them. It's all about the money and it's not supposed to be. It's supposed to be about the children.

Please.

Myths, Opinions and Facts

Settling back into the day to day routine after the Atlanta trip meant getting back to work, visiting the kids and grandkids and spending time with hubby. It was a very short trip but it was long emotionally. It was all good until about 2 days after getting home and it hit me. A lot of us deal with this kind of thing. You get really immersed in the adoption topic for a while - whether reading about it, writing about it or talking about it and then you hit a wall and have to take a break. It was kind of like that for me because the trip was not only about our right to our birth records but about meeting people I had come to love and admire but only met online AND it was about meeting with someone I hadn't seen in 34 years. He happens to live near Atlanta where the demonstration was held. Having a reunion with the one person who was there for me during the pregnancy with the child I lost was intense, to say the least. I wrote about him here.  It was a wonderful experience. I loved being there and meeting everyone. I loved being able to participate in such an important event and I'm so awed by the strong women and men who make it happen. I loved seeing my dear friend and having a little time with him. It was all great but I was also reliving some hard times. Dealing with the emotional aftermath is just something that gets done. What do I do when it's meltdown time? I throw paint. This is my therapy canvas.

Nope, not much to look at but sure feels good to slap the brush on the canvas and drip paint and then sand back the layers while releasing layers of tension and grief. This is actually just a small portion of the painting. The canvas is 4 feet square so it felt good to work big and get physical. It's very therapeutic. I'll probably set it aside now and bring it back out when I need another release. Who knows where it'll end up or what it'll look like. 

Another thing that came up while I was in Atlanta was the feeling that I was finally hanging out with people who understood. That doesn't happen often. It's rare to be in the physical company of other mothers who lost children to adoption. I've probably been around many of them over the years but didn't know it. Being with those other moms was healing and needed.

Do you ever feel - even within your own family - that no one gets it?

I guess what I don't understand is why so many can't even come close to feeling empathy or compassion. When we see someone we care about lose a child to disease or an accident, as a parent, we can feel for them. We may not have been through the same thing but we can imagine how horrible and painful that would be. Why are people so surprised then that mothers who lose a child to adoption also feel tremendous pain and grief? Because they've been conditioned by the adoption industry to believe that we all made this "loving" choice. They've bought into the idea that it's a wonderful thing to surrender your child. They've bought into the consumer culture that says money is everything.

Money trumps a mother's love.

They're conditioned to think - 

Birthmothers are so brave and selfless.

She'll go on with her life, get married and have more children.

It will hurt for a while but she'll find joy in knowing that her child is cared for in a forever family.

Adoption is a win/win.

All those babies are going to end up in foster care anyway.

Wait a minute.... if she's so brave and selfless and it's a loving thing to do to relinquish her baby then why is it that her baby would have ended up in foster care anyway? Some people hold both of these ideas in their heads. How can that be? She loves her baby enough to give him away but she doesn't love him enough to take care of him? She gave him away because she loves him but if she kept him she would have neglected or abused him?

When it comes to adoption, the list of myths and lies is long. Myths, opinions and facts. It's funny how those get confused. Myths are heard or read. They are shared by people online. They're told to the very women who are in need of help and need to know the facts about adoption. Myths become absorbed into our psyche to eventually turn into opinions and then the facts end up lost somewhere, left behind and forgotten, replaced by the lies. Just yesterday someone said to me that everything turned out fine after all since I'm now in reunion with my daughter. It was said in a way that meant - you're fine now, nothing to complain about. Another myth. Of course it's great that we're together and have a good relationship and yes, that certainly helps with healing a lot of the wounds but no way does it minimize what happened. It doesn't bring back 22 lost years. It doesn't give me her childhood. It doesn't give her a history of life experiences shared with her mother, brother and sister. Not having that history means it's not the same as if she were raised with us. It's a different kind of relationship. It will never be "as if". Just like her relationship with her adoptive family will  never be "as if" she were born to them.

Not so long ago I was told that I shouldn't let "petty" differences of opinion come between me and other people in my life. When an adoptive parent says that to a mother who lost a child to adoption and the difference of opinion is actually about adoption, the word "petty" isn't so petty. When you share facts about adoption and what you get back are myths and lies, it's not just a difference of opinion, it's a huge disconnect. Petty is defined as something of little importance. It's trivial. It's something that should be of little concern. The fact that these myths and lies continue is a monstrous concern to me. Nothing petty about it. When an adoptive parent says to me that these differences are petty it says that her concerns are above all others. It says that my concerns are insignificant, trifling in relation to hers. Is this a matter of opinion? Yes. She looks at things through a certain filter just as I look through my own filter. The difference is.... what she knows about adoption is skewed through the lens that the adoption agency put in front of her. What she thinks are facts are actually lies. What I know about adoption comes from personal experience and researching the facts.

To her it's all a win/win/win/win

 agency makes money/infertile gets baby/mother moves on with her life/baby rescued.

To me it's win/win/lose/lose

 agency makes money/infertile gets baby/mother loses child/child loses entire family and identity is legally erased.

Don't dare tell me it's "petty".

After the fact, the agency is gone. They don't care about anything but the bottom line. The other winning party doesn't want to hear from the 2 parties that lose. They don't want to hear about the lifelong grief of the mother or the identity/medical history/birth record/genetic info/family loss of the child. If they really did hear it and absorb what it all meant, it would no longer be petty. They could no longer ignore the issues because the pain would be too great. Acknowledging the trauma involved in the creation of the adoptive family would put quite the damper on the joy that adoption brought to them. It's much easier to dismiss us as just having a petty difference of opinion. When sharing factual information with people who don't want to know the truth it gets twisted into a difference of opinion. When that's all it is, it's set aside as unimportant. Just as people who have differing political or religious views - it's easier to not talk about it. Maybe for politics and religion it works but for adoption it ends up allowing the myths and lies to continue and the list to get longer. 

This is not a matter of opinion - 

Coercion still happens. Read about it here and here

Infant adoption is a multi-billion dollar industry. Read about it here

Original birth certificates are court sealed resulting in discrimination against adoptees. Read more here

Children are sold every day. Read about it here

There are price lists for babies (AKA adoption situations) on adoption agency websites. Read about it here

Baby brokers have their own lobbying group in Washington - the National Council for Adoption. They have a training program to teach agencies how to counsel pregnant women out of their babies.

so don't dismiss what the two losing parties in adoption have to say because we're getting louder.

I  hope more people open their minds and hearts and realize that we're trying to make things better. I'm so grateful for the other moms and adoptees who share their stories. We need each other.

2 Conversations

This past week someone close to me, a family member, asked me how old I was when I was pregnant with my oldest child. She was referring to the one lost to adoption and when I said I was 19 her response was

"you were old enough to make your own decision"

Last night I was chatting online with a friend of mine and he said -

"even the strongest rocks crack and erode from constant pressure- that's how we got the Grand Canyon"

He was talking about a situation that is totally unrelated to adoption but when I read those words, they resonated with me, not just in the case we were discussing but also in relation to adoption. It was interesting to me that these two conversations happened so close to each other. His comment reminded me immediately of the other one about me being old enough to make the adoption decision and I thought how strange it was that someone who has known me for so many years and who has had numerous conversations with me about adoption, still didn't seem to understand the coercion for what it was. I guess she still thinks I had a choice and freely made the decision to surrender my daughter.

My friend's comment about cracking and erosion was spot on. That is what happens to mothers being groomed to surrender their babies. They crack and erode from the constant pressure. The pressure may be subtle, the techniques slick and fluid as water, but it's still pressure. Sometimes it's blatant but still not recognized by the mother because of her unsupported and vulnerable position. I sometimes still see comments from people on articles about adoption that say to the grieving mother - "well, no one held a gun to your head". Well, that person would be right. No one held a gun to my head. But what the people around me did hold was......

the ability to help me but they didn't. 

the information I needed in order to keep my child but they didn't share it. 

the knowledge of how adoption affects mothers and their babies but they didn't share that either.

the financial support that would have enabled us to remain together, once again, no sharing.

the emotional support that would have helped sustain us until we could stand on our own but wasn't given.

the emotional manipulation tools that would steer me in their chosen direction and they used them well.

Guns are not the only weapons that can be used against someone. If something as simple as water can carve out a canyon then why is it so hard to believe that a young, vulnerable, pregnant woman can be coerced out her newborn child?

The Child Catchers: Rescue, Trafficking and the New Gospel of Adoption - A Must Read!

It's about coercion, deception and adoption culture.
I'm not done reading this book but I have to share it anyway. I do believe it's a must read for anyone who is thinking of adopting, thinking of relinquishing, has been adopted, knows someone who adopted, knows an adoptee, knows a mother who lost a child to adoption, interested in the history of adoption, basically anyone and everyone in the United States should read this book. It should be required reading.... period.

Kathryn Joyce brings us the history and the very current state of the adoption industry in The Child Catchers.  As a mother of adoption loss it's a difficult book to read but a fascinating one. Not all of the information contained in the book is new information to me, I've read and learned about some of this before but when put together in the context of adoption's history with what is going on right this minute, and viewing the timeline of a business, it is astounding! And it makes my blood boil.

Here are just a few of the sections I highlighted in my Kindle version. I'm finding so much I want to highlight I might have to buy the actual book so I can really use a highlighter and make notes.

Despite the varied but largely altruistic motivations of evangelical adoption advocates, as a movement it is directing hundreds of millions of dollars into a system that already responds acutely to Western demand- demand that can't be filled, at least not ethically or under current law. What that can mean for tens of thousands of loving but impoverished parents in the developing world is that they become the supply side of a multi-billion-dollar global industry driven not just by infertility but now also by pulpit commands.

"If you want to look at what's wrong with international adoption, state adoption, and Christian adoption," one agency director told me, "it all has to do with how they treat birthmothers. The common denominator in all of these is that the birthmother is invisible." When you get that, one adoptive parent wrote, it changes everything. Or, as another told me, "It's like the Wizard of Oz. You open the door and either you have to accept it's a house of cards or you stay in denial. There's absolutely no middle ground."

At the local level churches report a "contagious" spread of "adoption culture" that inspires fellow congregants to adopt, with even smaller congregations witnessing as many as one hundred adoptions in just a few years. Often parents adopt multiple children, and many adoptive families swell to eight or ten kids or more. The growth of adoption in churches is so rapid that it's led some Christian leaders to muse that church planters - Christians who help establish new, franchise-like branches of a church community- could build congregations this way.
The viral effect is intentional. Addressing an audience at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in 2010, the ABBA Fund's director of ministry development, Jason Kovacs, had counseled the crowd that the key to building a church-wide "adoption culture" is to "Get as many people in the church to adopt, and adopt as many kids as you can." He added that they should also "Pray that your pastor will adopt," noting the precedent a pastor can set.
One result has been the creation of "rainbow congregations" across the country, such as Louisville's Highview Baptist, where movement leader Russell Moore, author of the 2009 book Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families & Churches and a leading Southern Baptist theologian, is a preaching pastor. There, with the help of an active adoption ministry, members of the church have adopted some 140 children into the congregation. At a ceremony to celebrate them, Moore recalled, Highview's many adoptees toddled onto the stage with flags from their home countries. What brought Moore to tears was realizing that "most of the kids didn't recognize the flags they were holding but they all knew 'Jesus Loves Me'".

There is so much more to this book. I will post more as I get deeper into it but for now, if you want to read about the history of adoption and the current state of adoption in this country, then this is the book to read.

Why would anyone choose that?

Yesterday I saw yet another story of a young man who decided that dying was preferable to living because being gay in our world was too much for him to bear. Every day gay and lesbian teens and adults are bullied, insulted, beaten, ostracized, shunned and shamed by their friends and families and yet we call it a "chosen" lifestyle. Why in the hell would anyone choose to live a life like that? Why would anyone choose to be brutalized by society and it's attitudes? Why would anyone choose to be treated as less than a person worthy of respect and dignity? I didn't choose to be heterosexual. I didn't just wake up one day and decide hmmmm..... men or women? I think I'll like men today. It's just who I am so why is it so hard for others to understand that being gay isn't a choice either. The pain of being treated with such disdain for simply being who you are must be terrible. I imagine, for some, the pain of hiding and not living an authentic life eventually becomes greater than the pain of being open and honest about who you are so it then becomes time to let people see the truth regardless of how those people will respond.

This brings me to adoption and mothers of adoption loss. A comment on one of my recent posts was...

"How can anyone believe that we would have knowingly and willingly signed up for this?"

So the same questions I asked about being gay could be asked about mothers who surrender babies for adoption. We supposedly made a choice, right? Why in the hell would anyone choose to live a life like this? Why would a mother choose to live without her child? Why would she allow strangers to raise her baby? Why would a mother choose to be brutalized by society and it's attitudes? We were treated as less than people worthy of respect and we still are in many circles. How many times have we seen comments from people that tell us that we deserved to lose our children because we didn't keep our legs closed? How many times do we hear that the "birthmothers" must have been drug addicted, she probably didn't even know who the father was, if she keeps the baby it'll just end up in a dumpster or in foster care. How many women would go into a so-called open adoption knowing that the adopters could close it at any moment, knowing that they could suddenly be shut out of their child's life for a minimum of 18 years? Why would anyone choose that and why is it so freakin' hard for people to understand that we didn't? Why can't they understand that expectant moms still really aren't choosing it?

I hear and see people all the time talking about the horrible pain of a disrupted adoption, how awful it is to lose a baby that they thought they were going to adopt. Everyone consoles them, tells them how sorry they are and how they're going to pray for them. What do they do then? They get over it fairly quickly as they move on to the next available adoption situation baby as soon as one is presented to them. At the same time there's the adoption agency telling pregnant women that if they love their babies, they'll give them to strangers to raise. I was told I would be selfish if I kept my baby. Aren't women still told this very same thing when they're strongly and repeatedly encouraged to do the "brave and loving" thing? Pregnant women aren't told about the lifelong grief they'll experience because then they're not likely to sign up for that. Instead they're told that they'll be sad for a while. I was sad for a while when my cat died. I can tell you that being sad for a while isn't even in the same universe with losing a child to adoption.

Pregnant women aren't told about the likelihood of adoptive parents closing an open adoption. They aren't told that the open adoption agreement isn't legally enforceable. They aren't told that their child may suffer from feelings of abandonment regardless of how loving their adoptive family is. They aren't told that there are no guarantees that the baby's adoptive family will remain intact, or they won't have financial problems, or won't have substance abuse problems, or won't abuse their children. Of course they're not told any of these things because then, why would they sign up for that?!

They say (before the adoption consent form is signed) that "birthmothers" are brave and selfless. We weren't brave, we were beaten down. Today mothers aren't being brave, they're being coerced. Later when a mother wakes up to what happened to her and her baby and she finally understands that she was exploited for the sale of her infant, she's called bitter and angry if she dares to speak up. Sorry, no consolation or empathy for you. Her voice is shut down. She's banned and blocked from public forums because the general populace doesn't want to hear it. Too many mothers are still hiding from the shame that was imposed on them. They not only have to face their past but then they have to face what people will say about them now and in the future.

As more people come out of the closet, whether they be gay or mothers of adoption loss, the more our voices can be heard. If we get loud enough, maybe, eventually, some minds will be opened, some hearts will find compassion and we can end this tragedy known as infant adoption.

Please Wait

I've been thinking a lot about birth. My daughter just gave birth a couple of weeks ago. This is her first child and my fifth grandchild. I got to spend a few days with them at home, helping her around the house while she recovers. I watched her deal with the emotion of postpartum living, the extreme emotional ups and downs of becoming accustomed to being 2 separate beings as opposed to one connected. Living pregnancy and delivery is an emotional roller coaster and it's understandable considering what a woman's body must go through. When we have a new mom going through the early days of motherhood we want to be there for her, support her, understand her, help her. My daughter has a wonderful husband, friends and all of her family for support. This is the ideal for having a baby yet she still has to cope with the hormone changes that come with being a new mom. These moments can be hard.

So what about the women who don't have the ideal situation? They may be single or in a bad relationship, they may lack resources or information about where to get resources, they may not have family support. What they need is someone by their side to help them find what they need. They need an advocate, someone to tell them that they can do it and help them find out how they can raise the baby and be ok.

But what does the adoption industry do? They actively look for young women who don't have these ideal circumstances and uses them for their gain. They literally spend millions of dollars in this active search. If a business (that's what it is -a business - it certainly isn't some benevolent organization with a mission to help people) can spend millions looking for the source of it's products, then you know they're making many billions on the sale of the products. Instead of seeing an opportunity to help a young mother get on her feet and care for her newborn, they convince her that she's not good enough for her own baby. They use the postpartum hormone changes against her by insisting that adoption consent forms must be signed within days of giving birth. Many times she hasn't even left the hospital yet. Seeing the emotional roller coaster that is postpartum life in the best of circumstances makes me even angrier at the system that coerces women in this way. The fact that they push her to sign so soon after giving birth is, in my eyes, nothing less than evil.

If you're considering surrendering your child to adoption, PLEASE WAIT! There is no law, in any state, that says you have to sign a consent soon after giving birth. A consent can be signed at any time! Wait at least 6 to 8 weeks. Give yourself time to heal. Give your hormones time to level out. Give yourself time to meet your baby and discover what it is to be a mother. You have to know who you're giving up before you can sign away your rights. No matter what an agency or a prospective adoptive parent says, give yourself time with your baby before making a truly life altering decision. Think about you and your baby's needs, not the wants of the PAP. Talk to other mothers but not just the ones that the agency wants you to connect with. Seek out people who are not connected to the agency in any way. Don't solve a temporary problem with a permanent solution.

It's been 27 yrs for me since I gave birth to my youngest daughter but watching her now with her new baby reminds me of what it was like after the births of my children and just confirms my commitment to stopping this business of using woman as breeding machines for money.

The Walking Wombs

A stone faced counselor sits next to a sobbing young mother who had just given birth less than 48 hours earlier. The counselor is holding the paperwork that will forever legally sever this mother's connection to her baby. As the mother is crying the counselor says "Are you feeling a little bit emotional about your adoption plan?" A little bit emotional?! At this point I wanted to throw my laptop through the picture window in my living room. Thankfully I kept my wits about me since I don't have the cash to replace either one right now. Yes, I made myself watch that horrendous show I'm Having Their Baby. I saw it online before it actually aired on TV. I had to pause it periodically so I could calm down. Of course as I'm watching it I'm asking myself why I'm putting myself through this. I did it so I could know exactly how the adoption process was being presented by them. Did you know that those xxxxxmother letters are now books? The industry has really ramped up the advertising/marketing end of things. POD sites must be making a bundle.

Maybe we could look at it this way - let's say that it's a good thing this show was made. You say WHAT?! I know... but maybe it actually gives us some ammunition we need to fight infant adoption. They're just blatant about the coercion of the agency, laying it right out there for all to see. The problem of course is that not many people seem to recognize the coercion for what it is. And the other problem is that the show itself is contributing to the coercion. No, I haven't lost my mind. I do not believe this show is a good thing and I'm still working on the boycott of it. I'm just thinking of ways to use it against the industry. Considering that "Bethany" was on every agency door that the women walked through, it wouldn't surprise me if the whole idea for the show came from them and the NCFA.

What I find the most astounding about watching the show is the cold, hardheartedness of the agency workers. They were very careful not to refer to these women's children as babies. They were simply adoption plans. There was no caring, no sympathy. I know it's their job to get the baby from the mother but I don't understand how a woman could be so cold to another woman who is grieving so deeply. When the other mother on the show told her counselor that she was no longer comfortable with the PAPs she chose, the counselor said she was going to have to figure out how to handle things since she didn't want the couple to "go through the heartache of losing a child".  Wow! That was another "pause it and calm down moment". To say that to a woman who is about to lose the child she just gave birth to is nothing short of monstrous. All the sympathy is for the adopting couple while the mother is treated as nothing more than a walking womb.

At the end of the show when one of the mothers tells the agency worker that she's keeping her baby (HOORAY!) you can see the change in the workers face. The sale fell through so have a nice life and out the door. It was time for her to quickly make the next coercion appointment to keep the bucks coming in.

I don't think I can stomach another episode.

Dan Rather and more

Sharing some links today. I've been too busy to get on here much lately, working, teaching classes and of course working on taxes. I handed them off to the CPA and now I can concentrate this week on shipping art to a show and advertising for an upcoming workshop. I do have to divide my time between here and the art world.

Anyway, the first one I wanted to share was of course the article by Dan Rather. I had heard that there was a documentary in the works by Dan Rather Reports and I was contacted by another mom who thought I might be interested in being interviewed for it. I contacted the producer and then did a lengthy phone interview with Sean. After that interview he emailed with the question - what one word would you use to describe your first birth experience? As it shows in the article I said "torture". Why? This was my answer to Sean....

The first word that comes to mind is "torture". That's for multiple reasons. The torture of not being able to see my baby, the torture of having to keep this huge secret, the torture of the doctor sewing me up without anesthesia after tearing during delivery.

So the torture was physical, emotional and mental. Did this feeling go away after the birth experience? Only the physical. The emotional and mental torture remains to this day. It's probably the same for most of us who have been through this experience. We learn to cope on a day to day basis but it's still there.

This post - Coercion Not Choice was published the same day that Dan Rather's article came out.

"When just even a hint of coercion exists, there can never be true choice. You can try to wrap it up in a pretty bow, sprinkle some sugar on it to make it sweeter, but it will never change the fact that the moment coercion enters the equation, in any way, choice leaves it."

This is an important post and worth every minute of reading time. If you have any doubts about coercion still happening in infant adoption, please read! And here's one more along the same lines.... The 5 Most Coercive Aspects of Modern Adoption

If you're an expectant mom please read! If you're a prospective adoptive parent, please read!

What is there to disagree with?

This open letter to adoptive parents and PAPs has been around for a little while but I thought it worthy of attention again. This letter was written by an adult adoptee and shared on a blog by another adult adoptee. These are the thoughts and feelings of a person who has lived adoption her entire life.

When I first shared this letter I got a response from a person who disagreed with the writer. The person disagreeing is not an adoptee nor is he a natural parent who lost a child to adoption. Now, I'm not saying that people don't have the right to disagree with others, of course we all have that right. In this case though, what seems like a simple disagreement comes across to me as a dismissal of the adoptee's experience. The criticism of the letter was basically that the letter made adoptive parents seem selfish and that many adoptees would have ended up in foster care anyway had the aparents not adopted them. These are the typical talking points of adoption agencies and those who wish to justify the for-profit adoption industry. When someone says to me that those kids would have ended up in foster care if they hadn't been adopted, they're talking about me and I have to object. They may not realize it but when they say these things they're saying that had I been able to keep my daughter I would have been a terrible mom and she likely would've been abused or neglected. They're making the assumption that babies surrendered by their mothers were at high risk of ending up in foster care. That's a mighty big assumption and a hugely insulting one to mothers like me who were railroaded, coerced, forced and left unsupported, mothers like me whose voices are dismissed right along with the adoptee's voices.

In the letter the writer states:

"I am not trying to tell anyone not to adopt. I am not saying, "shame on you" to anyone who already has adopted. What I am saying is, please step back and really think long and hard about the ramifications of adoption on the very person who is at the center of it all - the child you hope for or the child you have brought into your home."

This adoptee acknowledges that there are times when a child has to be taken from their natural family. We all know that, we know it's an ugly fact of life. What this adoptee is trying to accomplish is getting people to step back from the industry propaganda and HEAR what an adult who grew up adopted has to say about it. She wouldn't be saying any of this if there weren't adoptive parents out there doing the things she's talking about.

If you're not one of those adoptive parents or don't know any of those adoptive parents then great, but don't dismiss what she has to say because you don't think that those other parents exist.

They DO exist and they need to read this, understand this and put children first.

So, here are the basic points that the writer makes in the letter. Tell me what there is to disagree with here:

1. Being adopted hurts. If you're not adopted you have nothing to say about that.

2. The foundation of adoption is loss. In order for someone to "grow their family" another family has to be separated. That's a fact. That's a devastating loss for the child and a devastating loss for not only the mother but for the entire family.

3. Adoption should be a last resort. To me that's a no-brainer. Family preservation should be priority number one. Adoption should not be used to fulfill an adult's needs. Someone said to me that anyone who adopts to fill a void is delusional. If someone has been through miscarriages or unsuccessful treatments for infertility and then adopts a newborn, isn't that adopting to fill a void? What else would you call that? If they only want a newborn and don't want to take care of a child from the foster care system who is already available for adoption then that is filling a void. The child is "plan B"

4. Tell the truth to the child. Every human being deserves the truth about where they come from and who they are. It's not just about medical history, it's about basic human feelings and rights. Why is it ok for non-adopted people to delve into their genealogy, work on their histories and family trees. The "as if born to" line on adoption papers just doesn't work. Babies are not blank slates and yes there are adoptive parents who like to pretend that the child was born to them. This is why it needs to be said.

5. Support adoptees searching. Many adoptees feel guilty if they want to search for their natural families. Many times this is because they don't want to hurt their aparents feelings. The search has nothing to do with adoptive families. It's a personal issue between the adoptee and their first family of origin.

6. Don't get caught up in the adoption terminology. Who is the "real" parent? Yes, real parents change diapers, kiss boo boos and help with homework. And, yes real parents are the ones who share their biological history with the child. I am still my daughters mother. I gave birth to her. I may not have raised her (not my choice) but I always was and always will be her mother. If a parent can love more than one child, a child can love multiple parents.

7. Don't disparage the child's natural family. You would think this would be a no-brainer but sadly this happens. Just think how often it happens in cases of divorce. People sometimes let their emotions get in the way of what's best for their children and say horrible things about a child's other parent. It's just plain wrong no matter what the situation. When you talk trash about a child's parent, you're talking trash about them. It does happen and she just wants to remind people to think of the child first. Again, if YOU would never do that then fine. But there are other people that do need to be reminded.

8. Don't expect gratitude. Too many adoptees hear things like "be thankful you weren't aborted" "be thankful you weren't raised by a druggie" "be thankful you weren't abused". Anyone can say things like that. Anyone could have been aborted. Why do adoptees have to be EXTRA grateful?

9. Honor open adoption agreements. You would think this would be a given but unfortunately it's not. Open adoption is just another way agencies have figured out how to get unsuspecting, young, vulnerable, pregnant women to agree to surrendering their babies. In most states it's not legally enforceable.

10. Please don't celebrate "Gotcha Day". She makes the point that Gotcha Day and birthdays can be painful for adoptees. Be careful with these and think of the children first. These are reminders of the what the child lost. Be sensitive to that.

11. Educate yourself. How in the world could anyone disagree with that. Learning more about how adult adoptees view adoption is crucial. Learning more from the natural mother's perspective is just as important. If you're an adoptive parent, wouldn't you want to know all you could about how adoptees see the world they live in?

So when the writer of the original letter makes points such as these, is she painting all adoptive parents with the same brush or is she simply pointing out that these things happen and she wants to remind people who are thinking of adopting to consider what their child might be feeling? Is she saying that all adoptive parents are selfish? Of course not but there are aparents out there who are filling their own need to be a parent when they adopt a baby. Adoption is not about the adoptive parents!!! It's supposed to be about the child's needs being met. It's not supposed to be about curing infertility or making a profit for an agency. It's supposed to be about helping a child who really is in need. Supposed to be...... 

Coercion is still happening, women are still railroaded into surrendering their babies to adoption. Keep an open mind and listen to other voices. Don't just listen to what the adoption industry says. Remember, they profit on other people's pain.