This is a post for other mothers of adoption loss. I have a question. If you're own mother had a part in the loss of your child, how do you reconcile that relationship? How do you deal with being part of that family when your own child was taken from you and your family played a large role in it?
The bond between mother and child is huge, primal, like no other I know. I mean you share cells with this other human being. A part of me goes on in my children just as a part of me goes on in her - my mother. On that level I can relate to my own mother because on one hand I think... surely she feels that same bond with me that I feel with my children. But, at the same time, if she felt the bond with me that I feel with my children, then why was I put in the position of having to lose my own child? What happened to mothers during that time period that allowed them to feel like they could coerce their daughters into surrendering their own children? I can't even conceive of doing to my daughter what was done to me.
This is some brutal shit. I've had a very complicated relationship with my mother for over 3 decades and just recently some of this stuff has come to a head. I have to take ownership in part of it. I've maintained the relationship. I've played the part I was expected to play, I've participated and allowed the relationship to continue. Why? Maybe part of it is because of fear. Fear of what would happen if I was something other than the dutiful daughter. I have to take ownership in not standing up and not standing strong against those forces that wanted me to surrender. A part of me will always feel the guilt of not being strong enough at the time. I feel strong enough now to stand up for myself but I didn't then. Of course I was 19 years old at the time. I'm 54 now. Maybe I can take some solace in that. Maybe I can give myself a break.
So, the question is.... how much of a break do I give my mother? How do I maintain a relationship with someone who doesn't see that they played such a large role in the loss of a child - her own grandchild? How much forgiveness is expected? How much forgiveness am I capable of? - not only forgiveness of her role in this tragedy but forgiveness for myself.
Carlynne, I hope one day your mother "gets it." Until then, you will have to develop whatever relationship is possible and not expect anything more from her than what she can give. That's a difficult place to be and far below the level of satisfaction that each person in a relationship deserve. I was just like your mother at one point in my daughter's life. I have felt the pain and regret of the impact my influence had on her in placing her child for the past 16 years. I think I get it. I've asked her forgiveness more than once and I'm so thankful to God, she has been able to forgive me. There was a long period of time our relationship suffered terribly. I will pray for you and your mother in hopes of restoring or creating a relationship of forgiveness and love. In the meantime, it's ok to forgive yourself. It's unhealthy for you and your child you lost to adoption. He or she needs a healthy first mom to find one day. Keep on living and loving.
ReplyDeleteLinda, thanks for your reply and kind words. It's good to hear from someone who has been in my mother's position and can give me that perspective and I'm very happy that you and your daughter have been able to mend your relationship after that experience. You're right, it's a very difficult place to be. On the surface, I've maintained a relationship. In fact, from looking at us, no one would even know that there's a problem but there has been so much underlying tension for so long that it gets more and more difficult to maintain. Things have come to a head and now we'll see where we land. Maybe we can pick up the pieces from there. As far as my daughter is concerned.... thankfully we have been reunited since 2002.
DeleteThis could have been written by me. I have struggled with this for 35 years. I tried to be the dutiful daughter; I tried to be what she wanted. The underlying sense to me was that "I did this to her" and I've been made to pay by her snarky comments about my life, and how much "she has done for me". This didn't come up until reunion with my daughter, and once those floodgates of repressed emotions come out, it is only natural that all the other bottled up emotions come up, as well. I now realize that our poor relationship didn't just start when she forced me to relinquish; we never had a decent relationship to begin with. I was never be what she wanted as a daughter, and I finally realized I never will be. I have distanced myself from her, much to my family's dismay, but I think it's best. Even upon reunion, she still can't claim any part she played in the pain of the situation. I acknowledge I was the one that started the ball rolling by getting pregnant, but treating me like crap was unnecessary. She gave away her flesh and blood, and at times I wish she would have just cut me loose, too. I might have fared much better in life than trying to make a selfish woman happy who can't be made happy unless you kiss her ass. Nope, I've done my time. She's very old now and not likely to change. But, she has to live with what she's done, this "good christian woman" - well, enjoy. I know the truth and so do others. Now she can just sit there and suck on it like I had to do for long.
ReplyDelete(((Anonymous))) I understand.
DeleteAre you sure we aren't twins because this is my situation almost word for word except now both my parents are dead, and my mother never apologized or recognized in any way the pain and hurt that I suffered. Both my sisters had children at the time I became pregnant, but wait...they were married so their children are legitimate family members? I commented about this on FB an learned not to comment under my own name. One of my own daughters that I raised blasted me for talking "bad" about her grandparents. She has empathy for the abuse I put up with for the 17 years I was under their roof. Adopting out my first baby was the biggest mistake of my life. I have paid, and paid and paid. When does it end? Failed reunion, too because my adopted daughter is so f***ked up and has been in therapy since childhood. Again, when does the pain end for me, for her, and my other daughter who seems ok, but never talks about anything if she can avoid it.
DeleteCarlynne, I struggle with this every day. At this time in her life, I do not expect my mother to change or to apologize. I believe she sees herself as a victim, as well, and perhaps she was, but she was an adult! I, like you, was just 19, and dominated by the church and society. I go through the motions and work on forgiveness - for society, the church, my mother and myself! Thank you for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteExactly Becky! I go through the motions and work on forgiveness. Same here. Forgiveness - like adoption, doesn't seem to be a one time event. We live with adoption affecting our lives every day and forgiveness is something we have to work on over and over again.
DeleteI'm really glad you wrote about this because it is something I worry about all the time. I am also one of those mothers who didn't support her daughter before she relinquished. This being right before she signed the voluntary termination when she voiced she didn't know if she was doing the right thing. Instead of halting everything, I told her she should "stick with her plan". And since ours was a kinship adoption, I knew if she backed out we would lose relationships with her uncle (adoptive father) and my MIL and FIL and probably my husbands other siblings. I told her this. I never should have because it shouldn't have been part of her decision. I've apologized, I've started a blog, and I speak out about the injustice of adoption for mothers of loss and adoptees. I do not know what else to do, and I worry when she has more children she will understand the actual depth of loss she has suffered. I hear of so many moms who don't realize it until then, and I worry that is when it will hit her and our relationship.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, my MIL (adoptive dads and husbands mom) also applied a tremendous amount of pressure to all of us to ensure the adoption went thru as planned. There were overt coercive actions on her part directed toward our daughter that my husband and I did not become aware of until after the adoption. The only acknowledgment or apology we've received is she was sorry she was there. Which says nothing about what she did to all of us and most importantly what she did to our daughter. It was the most useless and insincere "apology" I've ever received. She has never communicated anything directly to our daughter, her granddaughter, other than to send a Christmas ornament she purchased when our daughter, her first grandchild, was born. It was a gesture meant to injure and probably done because my husband, her son, has cut off all communication with his parents. He has done this out of his own pain and his parents refusal to acknowledge and truly apologize for the part they played. He has told them he refused to have any relationship with them that is greater than the one he is allowed to have with his granddaughter whom we are not allowed to visit or communicate with at all.
I lost my own mother when I was 33 years old. We had our own issues. I felt she threw me away for her own relationship with her husband, my step-father. Looking back, I wish we would have resolved these issues before she died. We could have, but I was too afraid of losing what little time I had with her when we knew she was losing her battle against cancer. I look back and wish I would have done things differently. I wish I would have insisted on going to a counselor or something to give us some sort of closure. Instead, I'm left wondering about answers I will never have.
Sorry this is so long. Your post touched an area in my life that is a constant worry for me. I hope you find answers.
Thanks for sharing your story Kellie. Your apology, the blogging and speaking out about injustice in adoption speaks volumes about your love for your daughter. The only other thing you can do is be there for her when she's grieving the loss because it's a grief that doesn't end. How sad that you are all cut off from your grandchild in a kinship adoption and I understand your husband's reaction. I'm sorry that you and your daughter have to suffer this loss. You can't change what happened with your own mother but you can make sure that these issues don't cause more regret between you and your daughter. Wishing you peace.
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DeleteCarlynne,
ReplyDeleteIt's a powerful hurt to try to come to terms with. I wait everyday for my Mom to maybe just maybe say she is sorry. Her mental health now at age 89 seems to be taking so much of life away from her that I don't ever see that coming. The irony in our story is that the rest of my siblings, (all girls, and by the way, girls who all became pregnant before marriage and kept their children ) have pretty much abandoned her and I am the one left to care for her.
I think the harder part is that my daughter who I am now reunited with and in a good relationship hurts over this just as much if not more. There are days that I just wish this nightmare would end.
I do think that it is better to just bring it out in the open and as you say "see where it lands". The truth is the truth and so many of us have had to deal far too many years with all this pain. It is time to let it be known and as I read somewhere the other day "If people want you to remember them kindly then they should have treated you better". Thanks Carlynne, I always like reading your posts.
Thanks Janet. I'm coming to the same conclusion. It's better to get it out. Like a lot of us, I've kept so much to myself and bottled up a lot of anger. That hasn't been good for me and I think what's happening now is it's getting more and more difficult to maintain the "happy face" in the relationship. The anger is coming out through other issues but the adoption is really the root of it. It's also time to get it out because I may end up in your same shoes - taking care of her. That's a difficult place to be. Wishing you well and thanks for reminding me of that quote. It's a good one.
DeleteMight you simply ask her to help you understand what she was thinking? Where she was in her mind at the time? I never asked my mother that question and wish I had. I guess I thought I knew. But, maybe I didn't. Any of her answers would not have "made it better", but perhaps I could have at least understood her. That is IF she was able or willing to answer. It would have been more than an in-passing conversation. I would have made sure of that. It's too late now. She has been gone for 10 years. My oldest daughter and I and her sibs have been reunited for 22 years now-half her life. So, you can see my mom was able to develope a relationship with her and Mom was thrilled that she could. Yet another thing to be furious about. Just go along as if nothing terrible had happened due to her pressure. Anyway, I wish I had started that conversation. Maybe you can with your mother.
ReplyDeletePretend like nothing happened. That's been the story of my life for decades and that's the problem. I can no longer pretend. I don't know where things will go from here. Maybe the last letter I wrote to her will be the start of that conversation. I don't know. It's been several days now, and no response. It would be nice if we could heal and we could both find some understanding of the other. I don't hold out a lot of hope though. Thanks Anonymous for reading and commenting. It helps to know that others are thinking about this and it helps to hear other's perspective.
DeleteCall me anon#1! I did try to start that conversation with mom after reunion. She just kept saying it was my choice. When I asked her how it was my choice when my only true choice if I kept my son was homelessness, she just looked blank. Then she started in with I (meaning her) didn't want to have to raise another child. I didn't want to spend the money (her hobby was buying jewelry, not the cheap stuff; my dad's was hobby was horses). I didn't want to do this or that. No mention of me or him. I've tried to talk to her about the issues that my son and I have both had throughout our lives, and she dismisses it with "that's not my fault." And the "after all I've done for you" talk escalated, and has since then. You know, if she had said I did what I thought was right for you and the baby at the time, I might have mellowed. All she did was tick me off further. And, my son is also mad at her,just like Janet wrote above. And that hurts me, too. But for me, I never had a "mother" even when I was little. So, too much water under the bridge, I guess. But I applaud and support those of you who are willing to try to rebuild a relationship. I've just had to let it go because it's too painful to realize that your own mother would rather be "right" and get her way than support an aching, broken daughter. I have an awesome husband, however! Didn't want you to think I was a totally negative person!
ReplyDelete"I've just had to let it go because it's too painful to realize that your own mother would rather be "right" and get her way than support an aching, broken daughter." This line really resonated with me. Thanks for commenting. I really appreciate all of you here. And no, I wouldn't think you were a totally negative person because you've been through some of the same crap the rest of us have been through. Sadly, because many people call us bitter and angry (have to say we have every right to be angry) it leaves the impression that that is all there is to us. I deal with some seriously f'd up issues but that doesn't mean I'm a negative person. :)
DeleteMy Mother is a hard, self-righteous, and very concerned about 'what will people think' type of person. I broke her rules...I was an unwed mother. Disgrace upon disgrace. I broke my Dad's heart. The bio-dad, broke my heart. Today, I would carry a sign telling people exactly what I did. I chose LIFE for my son. I am 64 years old and was 19 at 'the time'. The world was very different then. When my son found me it was the biggest shock of my life and one of the best times too. I have chosen to forgive my parents and be thankful that I no longer live under that burden. We all did things that should have been different, but they weren't. Please give yourselves permission to let the anger go. You can't expect our Mothers to feel what we feel, they didn't go through it. Just for the record, my mother said she would adopt her grandchild...my response was NO. She wasn't fit to raise MY son. That is what she told him the first time she met him. Nice, huh. Well, I still believe I was right. A few years ago it hit me that if SHE could adopt him, why couldn't she have supported my choice to keep him? And around and around I went. One day I stopped and realized that it never occurred to her that was a possibility. Then everyone would know why I had 'gone away'. It was all about her as it had always been. I grew up a lot that day. I forgave her and I finally let it go. Our relationship has always been rocky and she thinks she is always right. I am older, a bit wiser and know that she will never change. Thing is I have changed a great deal. So please, try to find a way to let the anger go...you will be happier and peace will fill your 'angry' spaces until there are none left. I wish you well and hope your days ahead will be happier and less painful. God Bless
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