I was trying to pretend NAAM didn't exist

So here it is November 3rd and another National Adoption Awareness Month is underway. My plan for this year was to just ignore it all. I didn't really want to get into any of this stuff on the heels of the most ridiculous presidential election season ever. But - I got pulled back in yesterday and this morning by some comments on Instagram.

Many months ago I posted this picture. This is a painting I did as part of my Silent Voices series that I exhibited in Macon GA earlier this year.

I didn't post any comments with it other than the usual info about the exhibition. Yesterday began a little conversation.....

just_in_nashvegasChoose closed adoption!!!

• carlynnehershberger@just_in_nashvegas Closed adoption is a horrendous and inhumane system. Everyone is entitled to know their history and it's horribly cruel to keep a mother in the dark about the well being of her child.
• just_in_nashvegasMedical history yes and it's no longer her child when she signed the rights away k
• just_in_nashvegasAnd if she wanted to know the child so well she should keep it.. Let's be honest too broke to raise it but still thinks she is a mommy when she signs her rights away
• carlynnehershberger@just_in_nashvegas What's your connection to infant adoption? I'm a mother who's newborn was taken at birth and an adoptee. Babies are taken and sold every day through the corrupt, coercive infant adoption system. It's big business bringing in over 13.5 BILLION dollars a year for agencies. Without babies to sell the agencies can't pay salaries or keep their doors open.
• just_in_nashvegasWell you shouldn't have gotten pregnant that's on you! And im infertile I believe in a closed adoption very closed no pics no visits only letters
• carlynnehershberger@just_in_nashvegas Do you care at all about the adult adoptee voice when it comes to adoption or just your selfish desires? I suggest you read the many, many books and blogs written by adoptees. They speak loud and clear about the damage done to adoptees by the closed adoption system. Every single adoption begins with trauma and loss for the child. Please do your research before considering adoption.
• just_in_nashvegasWell the girls need birth control and they would be fine but they open wide don't they
• carlynnehershberger@just_in_nashvegas Well I tried. You're just going to be nasty so there's no point in continuing the discussion. I hope for the sake of any future adoptees in your life that you have a change of heart and look at adoption with compassion in your heart for what a mother and child separated by the system have to suffer.
• just_in_nashvegasYour know it's true the sluts get what they deserve!
• just_in_nashvegasSo pay 30,000 in fees raise the kid pay the bills and never be considered the mother never getting that respect from a birth family it's disgusting how whores wants open adoption maybe if they won't open their legs they wouldn't get what they damn well deserve
• carlynnehershbergerIf you have adopted or plan to adopt I hope you don't refer to your child's first mother in that way. You can call me all the names you want- it's obvious you have a lot of anger- but please refrain from bashing your child's biological family. It would cause unimaginable pain to that child.@just_in_nashvegas
• just_in_nashvegasI'll be up front with what the mother is not my fault my kid has a whore as a bio match... Those women can get pregnant 6 weeks later do what's the big deal that's why i believe in closed they get it all

Years ago that conversation would have upset me. Now I recognize it for what it is. There's a lot of pain and anger behind this woman's words. I don't know what the circumstances are surrounding the adoption of her child but it seems to me that it wasn't good and obviously she still hasn't dealt with her infertility issues. Having said that..... that does NOT excuse her attitude. From what she wrote she is the perfect example of what we call an adoptoraptor. I know adoptive parents hate to see that word but there really are those who fit the description.

What upsets me about this is thinking about what a woman like this is doing to her adopted child. She's going to be up front with her child by calling his/her first mother a whore and a slut?! I don't care if she calls me that- no skin off my nose and it's not like it hasn't happened before since starting this blog- but can you imagine being a child dealing with the knowledge of your adoption, trying to figure out who you are and hearing your mother call the woman who gave birth to you those terrible names? I'm so sad knowing that this woman is going to hurt her child like this.

I don't care if the child's first mother really is a crappy human. I don't care how deep this adoptive mother's issues go. There is never a reason to speak to a child about their family that way. That child is a piece of that family. When you talk about their family in those terms it's like you're talking about the child the same way. How much damage is this woman doing? Just the fact of being adopted causes enough pain. What kind of pain is her attitude toward the child's family going to cause?

This is another adoptive parent who believes the minute the papers are signed they take ownership of their prize human. Besides, she paid 30,000. She's entitled. The product is bought and paid for.

 MINE MINE MINE

 ALL MINE

AND.... the jealousy is coming through crystal clear. What does she care about the mother? That woman has the audacity to be able to conceive so all adoptions should be closed. That's what she deserves. She deserves to live in agony the rest of her life, never knowing what happened to her child, simply because she got pregnant in the first place and she might be able to get pregnant again. In fact, she could just spread her legs and pop out another one - what a whore!

So much nastiness and hate. Such a shame the child is the one who will pay for it. Like a friend of mine just said.... I hope she has good insurance for the therapy the child will need. I wish she had spent some money on therapy for herself before adopting.

I don't know if I'll get more comments from her. I thought about writing some more but seems to me anything I say is just going to get blown off anyway. She doesn't exactly come across as one who is willing to learn. I am grateful for the adoptive parents out there who are willing and able to take in the experiences of others and understand that adoption is NOT about them. It's supposed to be about the child.

Well, so much for staying away from NAAM this year. Time to go back to my happy place - the easel.

This means war?!

Imbalance of Power

I haven't been here in a while. You know how it is.... life gets in the way. There are things like survival- trying to make ends meet as a self-employed artist. It's more than a full time job. Sometimes when in survival mode that's all you can deal with. That doesn't mean I don't think about adoption and how things are going in the adoption reform movement. Oh how I wish I could be more involved. I still share articles on Facebook and comment when I can. I still read and follow what's happening. Of course there's been much more of that recently because of National Adoption Awareness Month- that dreaded month that we write about, focus on and try to use to make a difference.

If you've read here before you may know that I'm not only a first mother who lost a daughter to the adoption machine but I'm also a late discovery step-parent adoptee and I'm very proud to be associated with the Lost Daughters. Although I think and write more from the first mother perspective, my sisters there have welcomed me with open arms. I'm so very proud of my adoptee sisters and the #flipthescript campaign and the Flip the Script video that has been the talk of #NAAM. If you haven't seen it yet you must check it out.

So what got me fired up and back on the blog? The push back on #flipthescript. I just read a gem of a post by an adoptive mother. To begin, she calls the post "the war on National Adoption Month". Really? We're at war? If an adoptee talks about her experience as an adult adoptee and it doesn't conform to the industry standard of adoption propaganda, apparently thems' fightin' words. If a person who was/is adopted, talks about what it was like for her to be adopted and how complex that experience is and was for her, she's waging a war. The simple act of telling her story means she's at war? That's a bit extreme isn't it? According to the industry and it's proponents- adoption is beautiful and don't you dare say anything to the contrary. Don't you know that? Because apparently, if you talk about your own personal experience, you're making some other folks mighty uncomfortable. So uncomfortable in fact that they see it as an attack.

Her first paragraph.... and I'll answer her here since it's not likely that my comments will make it past moderation on her blog.

"Adoptees are “flipping the script” during National Adoption Month, sharing the other, unattractive side of adoption. It’s their right. I’m not an adoptee and can’t speak for them, but part of me doesn’t like seeing this opportunity of beauty turned into something that’s looked down upon."

"I'm not an adoptee and can't speak for them" Isn't that the point of flipping the damned script?? Adoptive parents and the industry professionals have had the floor for decades. It's about time the other people who live and breath adoption- the adoptees and the natural mothers- have a say. No, you're not an adoptee so you have no idea what an adoptee feels about adoption. You have hearsay, you have anecdotes by others, you have stories you've heard, you have your experience with your child who is not yet an adult with adult views. There is no triad in adoption. There are 4 sides and only 2 of them have had the country's ear until now- the adoption industry and the adoptive parents.

"Why is it beautiful? Because I can separate what my children went through, their abuse, neglect, and trauma, from their adoption. What they went through before foster care, I would compare with hell, what they went through while visiting their bio parents while in foster care wasn’t much better, but now we see new lives, new people emerging. Beauty."

What you see as beauty, your adopted child may see differently. This is beautiful for you. Maybe you can separate it but can your child? This is your child's history. For one thing... why are you sharing such personal details of your child's history with the world? This is his story, his to share when he is ready. If he's ready at all, ever. It's not up to you. It's not your life. When he is an adult, his view of adoption may be vastly different than yours and that's ok.

"That’s why “flipping the script” on adoption day is so painful. The world is taking what is often a positive event and turning the tables, focusing on those who don’t feel it was a good thing for them."

No, they're focusing on the voices of adopted people, period. That's the point. Whether that person's story is happy, sad, angry, or a mix of all of those, the point of flip the script is to give them the opportunity to use their voice and be heard- be heard without being interrupted by the people in the equation who are the beneficiaries of a corrupt and unethical system.

"Those who are "flipping the script" aren't adoptees who are happy and content with their adoption experience, they're the ones who are angered, feel like something was done to them. The ones who feel they were ripped from their first family, from their country, are hurt by positive adoption language."

Every adoption begins with loss and pain no matter how you slice it or how much positive adoption language you want to throw at it. That PAL was developed by the adoption industry and put into place for a reason- to separate mothers from their babies. That is the sole function of the new words -  to describe what is a tragedy in more palatable terms. 

The "angry adoptee". This is the most common argument thrown at adoptees (and mothers of loss). "You're just angry and bitter". Damn straight I'm angry. Does that mean I'm an angry person? No. My life is just fine but that doesn't mean I shouldn't talk about the experiences I've had and how they've affected me. And, under the circumstances, anger is a perfectly normal reaction to experiences that were beyond our control. We take back our control now by using that anger in a positive and constructive way. 

ALL adoptees have been taken from their original families in one way or another, whether taken forcefully because of abuse or taken from a new mother through coercion or by the courts legally severing all connection with the family through sealed birth records. As an adoptive parent you feel adoption is beautiful. That's great for you but don't diminish or dismiss what adopted people have to say about their life experience. 

"The adoptees who aren't speaking out (and far outnumber those who are calling out adoption) are the ones who are satisfied in life, the ones who accept their adoptive family as their own, ones who've found their birth family and either have a good relationship with them or have decided to let it be."

And here I just have to say- IMO- you're wrong. The vast majority of adoptees I know who are speaking out, are simply trying to make a difference for future adoptees. They ARE satisfied in life. They just want people to understand that adoption is far more complex than what the industry wants the public to believe. They're trying to balance out the narrative so it can be understood that there is more to the story than the story of the happy adoptive parents and the well payed adoption professionals.

"I don't want to belittle anyones experience, after all, it's their own. I can't speak as an adoptee. Maybe there should be separate months, one for National Adoption Month and a month for adoptees to share their feelings, like an Adoptee Awareness Month."

You want to give adoptees a month to speak? How generous. Why should we separated? Haven't we had enough separation as it is??? Hasn't the mic been monopolized by the most powerful voices already? I also deal with this idea as a mother of loss. We have "Birthmother's Day" which I refuse to acknowledge. I celebrate my motherhood on Mother's Day along with all the other mothers. I was still a mother after my daughter was taken from me and I'm still an adoptee the other 11 months of the year. Don't tell me when I can speak.

Sharing stuff

Today I thought I'd make a list of links. Some of these are blogs and some are articles that caught my eye plus a bit of info.

Articles that make you shake your head.....

This article states..... "In honor of National Adoption Month,Adoption Network Law Center is holding a submission contest, where the winner will receive complimentary adoption services.  All submissions must be received by November 17, 2012 and the winner will be announced November 21, 2012."    To me this equates to - "enter to win a baby!"

This one says that "Gladney will host events such as a birth mother Thanksgiving luncheon Nov. 11 to recognize them for giving a gift to loving families."   I wish people would stop referring to children as presents to be given away.

Sadly too many people think like this..... “Yeah. We had our first kid a few months ago and my wife said she just hated to be pregnant, so we’ll probably adopt next time- avoid that whole pregnancy thing.”

It's all about the advertising. Buy your baby by using a FB page plus "business cards, window decals, YouTube videos, a craigslist ad and a website"


Some great blog posts happening this month and we're only 6 days in......

Lost Daughters - Adoption Stereotypes 

Lost Daughters - Blogging Adoption and Everyday Life

Assembling Self

First Mother Forum

To Tell the Truth - Please Stand Up

Adoption Truth

The Declassified Adoptee - Am I Adopted at Work?

Musings of the Lame - It's NOT About Vaginas

Out of the Fog

iAdoptee

More info....

Also want to share that I've reduced the price of Silent Voices for the rest of November. Here's the print edition and the Kindle edition.

This petition still needs signatures.   Department of Homeland Security: Demand states release original birth certificates to adoptees

Read more here: http://www.sacbee.com/2012/11/02/4957290/adoptive-families-adoption-network.html#storylink=cpy"

Have you been banned yet?

This is the official Facebook page for the NCFA. When it comes to adoption, they would like you to "consider the possibilities". I tried to tell them about the result of those "possibilities" but they banned me from the page - there's a big surprise. So, to balance out the copious amounts of rainbow colored propaganda that will be spewing forth this month from the NCFA and others, I have to post my own list.

What I Hate About Adoption

 1.  It separated me from my daughter for 22 years.

 2.  My daughter's original birth certificate is trapped in the state of FL.

 3.  My original birth certificate is trapped in the state of NJ.

 4.  Open adoptions close.

 5.  Open adoptions are not legally enforceable.

 6.  Shaming... my family felt the need to hide me from the rest of the world when I was pregnant.

 7.  My family felt the need to hide my own adoption from me.

 8.  Mothers of adoption loss don't get to speak their minds without being labeled angry and bitter.

 9.  Adoptees don't get to speak their minds without being labeled angry and ungrateful.

10. Most people believe I made a choice - willingly.

11. I'll never get my daughter's childhood back.

12. People are hurt by adoption every day.

13. The voices of mothers and adoptees are ignored or silenced and deleted.

14. Money is more important than people.

15. Coercion still exists.

16. Pregnant women are exploited by media for perceived entertainment value.

17. People actually watch the so-called entertainment.

18. Adopted people lose their ancestry.

19. Adopted people lose their medical history.

20. Adoption causes trauma.

21. Adoption begins with loss.

22. Adoption is not something you "get over". It's with you for life.

23. Reunion doesn't "fix" the trauma.

24. Adoption doesn't "fix" infertility.

25. Adoption is viewed as a "fix" for abortion.

26. Adoption is viewed as a "fix" for poverty.

27. Language is prettied up to disguise the truth in the form of "positive" adoption language.

28. Adoption is big business.

29. There are literally price lists of adoption situations babies.

30. PAPs are led to believe that they are "saving" a baby.

Thirty days in November and 30 reasons why I complain about adoption. If you feel so inclined, pick a thought from the list and let the NCFA know what you think about adoption. How long will it be before you get banned?

PS: I tried to find the credit for the lovely animated rainbow colored puke but couldn't find who did it. I couldn't resist using it so my apologies to whoever you are. :)

Free today for the start of NAAM

To kick off the start of National Adoption Awareness Month I set the Kindle version of my book Silent Voices to be free for today. In this book I share the first 11 paintings and accompanying narrative poetry that I created about my experience with adoption.

So what is National Adoption Awareness Month?  Well, it began as Adoption Week in 1976 "to promote awareness of the need for adoptive families for children in foster care." That wasn't a bad thing. The thousands of children in foster care need families. Now the week has stretched into a month. A month of celebration according to these folks and many, many others like them.

How do they want to celebrate?

1.   One thing they would like you to do is donate to and support adoption foundations. Many agencies and foundations seek monetary support so they can give pregnant women scholarships for college IF they surrender their babies. One such foundation says....

"We proudly offer educational scholarships in deep appreciation to birthmothers who have chosen adoption for their children. They have enabled others to experience the joy of becoming parents and created futures, not only for those families, but also for their children."

I suppose they get around the whole coercion and "paying you for your baby" thing by saying that the mother isn't eligible for the scholarship until the adoption is finalized. They may have found a way to get around it legally (I still can't figure how it could be legal) but no matter how they maneuver it, it's coercion. If you want to participate in NAAM here's an alternative to supporting coercion:  help single mothers, mentor a young mom, help a mom with child care, job skills, supplies for her and her little one, donate to scholarships for single mothers. You get the idea.

2.   Another idea from the NAAM website is to write letters to your local newspapers to share the "blessings" of adoption. I can think of many things to call adoption, a blessing isn't one of them - not for me anyway. Instead, how about writing to your local papers and sharing the reality of adoption: coercion from past decades and coercion as it happens today, the falsification of legal birth documents, the trauma that mother and child face when being separated at birth.

3.   Ask your local library to display books about adoption. Instead of the ever popular "How to Adopt" books, ask them to display books like Ann Fessler's The Girls Who Went Away, The Baby Thief, Rickie Solinger's Wake Up Little Susie

4.   This is a big one in adoption land. The powers that be want to be sure you use this time to learn about positive adoption language. Positive adoption language is nothing more than another tool in the coercion kit. Read more about it in my Language and Lures post. Adoption is a dirty business and pretty sounding language isn't going to clean it up.

5.   Another biggie in adoption is prayer. You can buy a bracelet to wear so you can be reminded to pray for your adoption. All the proceeds of the sale go to the folks at the foundation I mentioned earlier. I have a very hard time with this one. I often see couples on their blogs and pages praying and asking for others to pray for a child to be sent to them. To me this goes right to the heart of what's happened to adoption. In order for a child to go to these couples, the child has to suffer some type of trauma first whether the trauma comes from being taken from his mother at birth or suffering abuse at the hands of his own family and taken from them. Either way the child suffers. In praying for a child to come to them through adoption, they're actually praying for a child to suffer. Of course they don't see it that way. They're praying for their own desires to be met. There's nothing wrong with the desire to be a mother or father but there is something wrong with praying for that desire to be fulfilled when you know that the only way it can happen is if a child is harmed first.

So, if you pray, how about praying this month for mothers to find the resources they need in order for them to preserve their families.