The Walking Wombs

A stone faced counselor sits next to a sobbing young mother who had just given birth less than 48 hours earlier. The counselor is holding the paperwork that will forever legally sever this mother's connection to her baby. As the mother is crying the counselor says "Are you feeling a little bit emotional about your adoption plan?" A little bit emotional?! At this point I wanted to throw my laptop through the picture window in my living room. Thankfully I kept my wits about me since I don't have the cash to replace either one right now. Yes, I made myself watch that horrendous show I'm Having Their Baby. I saw it online before it actually aired on TV. I had to pause it periodically so I could calm down. Of course as I'm watching it I'm asking myself why I'm putting myself through this. I did it so I could know exactly how the adoption process was being presented by them. Did you know that those xxxxxmother letters are now books? The industry has really ramped up the advertising/marketing end of things. POD sites must be making a bundle.

Maybe we could look at it this way - let's say that it's a good thing this show was made. You say WHAT?! I know... but maybe it actually gives us some ammunition we need to fight infant adoption. They're just blatant about the coercion of the agency, laying it right out there for all to see. The problem of course is that not many people seem to recognize the coercion for what it is. And the other problem is that the show itself is contributing to the coercion. No, I haven't lost my mind. I do not believe this show is a good thing and I'm still working on the boycott of it. I'm just thinking of ways to use it against the industry. Considering that "Bethany" was on every agency door that the women walked through, it wouldn't surprise me if the whole idea for the show came from them and the NCFA.

What I find the most astounding about watching the show is the cold, hardheartedness of the agency workers. They were very careful not to refer to these women's children as babies. They were simply adoption plans. There was no caring, no sympathy. I know it's their job to get the baby from the mother but I don't understand how a woman could be so cold to another woman who is grieving so deeply. When the other mother on the show told her counselor that she was no longer comfortable with the PAPs she chose, the counselor said she was going to have to figure out how to handle things since she didn't want the couple to "go through the heartache of losing a child".  Wow! That was another "pause it and calm down moment". To say that to a woman who is about to lose the child she just gave birth to is nothing short of monstrous. All the sympathy is for the adopting couple while the mother is treated as nothing more than a walking womb.

At the end of the show when one of the mothers tells the agency worker that she's keeping her baby (HOORAY!) you can see the change in the workers face. The sale fell through so have a nice life and out the door. It was time for her to quickly make the next coercion appointment to keep the bucks coming in.

I don't think I can stomach another episode.

Me and the girls

There was a show on a few years ago called the Gilmore Girls. My daughter Sarah and I would be glued to this show every Tuesday night for 7 seasons. The main characters were Lorelei and Rory - mother and daughter, and it was about their relationship. At the time the show was on Sarah was about the same age as Rory so there we were mother and daughter watching mother and daughter. I also have to confess that we love the show so much we now have all the seasons on dvd and the boxes travel from my house to Sarah's and back again and we're still not tired of watching, much to our husband's dismay. The show had really great writers, it was smart and funny.

Anyway, the point is, the mom/daughter relationship wasn't the only reason this show resonated with me. In the story line Lorelei was 16 when she got pregnant, didn't like the plan her parents made for her, which was to marry her boyfriend so she left with her baby. She was taken in by a woman who gave her a place to stay and a job that would let her have some flexibility so she could care for her baby. Basically she had support, she had some help so could keep and raise her daughter. The writers on the show never mentioned the "adoption option" and I often wondered why. Maybe they thought it would be too deep emotionally, although they did get into other tough topics. They also got into Lorelei's struggling relationship with her parents - the after effects of her pregnancy and running away. There was plenty for me to connect with in this story.

During the years of watching I often fantasized about what it would have been like to have had that kind of support. What would it have been like if I had just been given a chance? I know it would've been hard but maybe I would've ended up sitting there on Tuesday nights with both my daughters watching the show. When I see girls now talking about the reasons they surrendered their babies to adoption or why they're thinking about surrender I just want to cry. I want to warn them, I want to shake them awake. The main reasons are usually.....

"I can't give my child the life he deserves"

"The adoptive parents are better off financially"

"My child should have 2 parents"

"I'm not ready to parent"

So, the first one - what exactly does that mean - the life he deserves? What a child deserves is the mother who gave birth to him. He deserves to be loved by the woman who nurtured him in her body for 9 months, the one who loved him before he was born. He deserves to know where he came from, to grow up seeing the faces of others who look like him and have mannerisms like him, who walk like him and have similar tastes as him. He deserves to know the other folks in his tribe.

Reason number two - they're better off financially. Well, there's always someone better off financially. There's always going to be someone who has more money than you. It's all relative. Money comes and goes, situations change. Adoptive parents can lose jobs too. They're not immune to crisis. Mothers should not lose their children because they're poor. Children should not lose their mothers because their mothers are poor. Ask about resources. Ask for help.

Number three.... having 2 parents. In a perfect world maybe but we don't live in one of those. Adoptive parents get divorced or one of them dies. There's no guarantees in this life. Single moms can and do raise children every day. So do single dads. No, it's not easy but the really hard stuff in the beginning is temporary. Your status as a single person could possibly change too.

And finally - not ready? Honey, no one is every ready for being a parent. Those 9 months of pregnancy is you getting ready. Your body is preparing and during that time you can be getting your environment ready, putting a plan into action. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world and the best job in the world and you don't want to miss out on it. It's day by day and that's how you learn. The joy of having your child with you and watching her grow will far outweigh any hardship you encounter.

Adoptive parents are not superhuman. They're people just like the rest of us - some split up, have problems, some are loving and some are not. With some support to get started you are capable of taking care of your child. You have no idea what you're in for when you surrender a child. No, it doesn't get easier over time. When the agencies tell you that it's a lie. The grieving goes on and on. Having an open adoption doesn't mean it will stay open. That's also a lie. Don't get all your information from adoption agencies and their counselors. Don't base your decision on pretty brochures with lovely photos of smiling PAP faces, picket fences and puppies. These are nothing more than ads designed by marketers. All they're saying is "pick me, pick me". Don't allow yourself to be matched with a couple and be pushed into a relationship with them when you're pregnant. Don't allow them into the hospital when you're in labor, in delivery or your room afterward. All of these things are designed to manipulate you into doing what they want - giving them your baby. The main thing is find out about all your options not just the "adoption option".

I love that the writers of the Gilmore Girls created a character who was strong and followed her heart, someone who got help and raised her daughter as a single mom. Yeah, I know it's only a tv show but it was a positive example out there in tv land of a mom who kept her baby and raised her well. I appreciate that.

Language and Lures

In my perusing of the adoption sites and reading the sales pitches, I get more and more upset by what I see in the language. When I first started reading about this subject certain terms didn't bother me. Words like "birthmother" didn't even bother me. I've been in reunion with my daughter for 8 years now and I began a painting series about this topic. Because of that series I began researching the industry. Now, I can't stand the "b" word. What happened that changed my mind? Well, I started seeing the correlation between the language and lures they use to get expectant mothers to surrender their children.

make an adoption plan
forever family
birthmother
selfless gift
place a child for adoption
a loving option
failed adoption
adoption opportunities

Thirty years ago when I was going through the process it was called giving a child up for adoption. Back then the industry just bluntly and openly shamed us into giving up our children and it wasn't just the industry, it was also society in general. Everyone saw us as unfit simply because we weren't wearing a wedding ring. It still boggles my mind that women in the 60's in maternity homes were even made to wear fake wedding rings to go outside - who did the wardens in these places think they were fooling?

Now that being single is not as stigmatizing as it once was the industry had to come up with slicker ways to coerce young, vulnerable women. Oh, they'd like you to think that they're just being kinder and more sensitive to the mother - bull twinkies! What they're really doing is sanitizing everything to make it look more appealing. (twinkies sounds better than shit doesn't it?) It's the marketing biz at it's finest.

What are adoption opportunities? They are babies. These are human beings being traded for money. This is what it comes down to. No one wants to hear that in this country we sell babies but when you break it down to it's truth, that's exactly what it is. Party A hands baby to Party B who then hands baby to Party C who in turn hands over a lot of money to Party B. What else would you call it? Well, the agency wants to call it a selfless act on the mother's part. They call it making an adoption plan. When a young woman hears these words she feels like there's someone out there who can help her figure out what to do. There's a plan - good. That means there's a direction to go in; this is productive. Then she hears it's a loving option. Well, she loves her baby and only wants what's best for her baby so she listens some more. They tell her "it's in the best interest of the child, your child will love you for it". What mother doesn't want that? "Choosing adoption is the purest form of motherly love" No.... loving your baby is the purest form of motherly love. Placing your baby for adoption sounds nice doesn't it? In reality she's placing her child in the arms of strangers. Now come the dear bmother letters. This is how they make her think that she has a relationship with the couple. How much does she really know about people from a slick, full color, 2-sided brochure? Do you believe all the ones that come in the mail selling aluminum siding? It really is a sales pitch, there are a lot of couples competing for that baby.

So, she's picked her favorite brochure and the agency is telling her what a selfless gift she's giving this couple. If she has a relationship with the couple that goes on for a few months, they fly or drive to where she is when she's in labor, sometimes they even go into the delivery room. She's exhausted and emotional. They are standing there waiting so of course she doesn't want to disappoint them. Even if she's screaming inside - give me my baby - she has all these forces outside pressuring her to hand the baby over.

Now that she has given an adoption opportunity to a couple and given this selfless gift in an act of the purest motherly love that was in the best interest of her child, she can apply for a scholarship from the agency that is only offered to women who make an adoption plan. Some of these agencies actually raise funds to offer money for college to mothers who have given their children up for adoption. Don't get me wrong, education is a wonderful thing. But.... why not raise money for scholarships for mothers who are raising their children as single mothers. Why not help them to KEEP their children and go to school. What a concept! Of course they wouldn't do that. That would hurt the bottom line.

What happens if the mother changes her mind and decides to keep her baby? It's called a failed adoption. Instead celebrating a mother and child staying together it becomes a failure. Something to be upset about. Well yes, it's upseting for the adoptive parents but a mother and child staying together is a beautiful thing. Aren't we supposed to be concerned for the child and his/her best interests? A baby continuing to hear her mother's heartbeat and feeling her mother's love is in the baby's best interest. But the new mother gets to feel guilty because she let everyone down. In my opinion the only person she needs to worry about is that new baby.

I'll keep on saying it. To the prospective adoptive parents out there.... if you want to be a parent and help a child, please look to the foster care system first. So many children need homes and someone to love them. Another option is to help a baby by helping her mother, help them stay together.

It's a dirty business using scholarships and a mother's love for her baby as a lure to bring her in and get her to give up her child. The language isn't going to clean it up.