Holiday Traffic

I just looked at the date of my last post and was amazed. Oct. 11 was quite awhile ago. You know how it is, busy with life in general, working constantly and trying to make ends meet, noticing November's focus on adoption and wanting to avoid the subject all together. The last few months have been difficult and I just didn't think I could handle anything else that would add to the general down in the dumps feeling.

Today was a good day though. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. The focus is all on being with family, friends and loved ones. There's no pressure with shopping, budgets, time crunches etc..... for me it's just about love. I was with some of my loved ones and some were at other dinners in other towns and other states. Although they weren't here I know they care for me and I have so much to be thankful for. Today I had my son  and his family with me but my girls weren't here. My oldest is in Ohio and my youngest was with her hubby's family. I miss them but it's fine because I know our relationships are about a lot more than just one day.

So anyway.... I've been focusing on the gratitude today. I am so grateful to have my oldest daughter back in my life after 22 years of separation due to adoption. I'm grateful that I can now say I have 3 children. I can now say I have 4 grandchildren. I don't have to hide anymore. I don't have to lie anymore. I have contact with her. I can tell her that I love her just like I do with my other 2 children. She's a part of me and I can claim that without fear or shame. People who have never been through adoption separation have no idea just how huge this is. It's big. It's life changing - for both sides. I'm grateful that I was able to find my daughter. I'm grateful that I could stand in my back yard and take a photo of all 3 of my children - that was a dream come true. Even though that particular event happened some years ago, it still sticks in my mind as if it were yesterday. It was a pivotal event.  Holiday photos are taken by the billions and they're wonderful but there's something special about taking a picture of all of your children together for the very first time. That particular day wasn't a calendar holiday but it was a moment that divided my life. There was the "before my children met each other" time and then the "after my children met each other"time.

What else am I grateful for? The internet. It's helped me stay connected to my daughter and grandchildren. It's helped me to stay connected to family that live on the other side of the country. It's helped me hang out with friends and other artists. It's helped me get the word out about my work. It's inspired me by showing me the world. It's also shown me the dark side of the world we live in. Even though I don't really want to know this because it's hard to read or see, I'm grateful for it. If we didn't find out about the greedy, money grubbing, baby trafficking people like this how would we know what we're up against? We need to know that there are people advertising this little boy

 "Caucasian boy due Dec. 25 in UT. Agency fees of 30,500 plus 1K medical." 


or this baby.....


 "African American baby of unknown gender due 12/3. NEEDS UT FAMILY! Agency fees of 17K plus 6K medical." 


Now can someone please explain why the medical is 1K in the first listing but 6K in the second listing? Could it have something to do with the holiday? The first baby's due date is Christmas day after all. Why is the Caucasian boy so much more expensive than the African American baby of unknown gender. Is it because the gender is unknown or because the baby is African American? WTF? 


Here's another little item from this company's site....


Education on Birth mother warning signs and Birth father situations: We help our clients reduce the risk associated with adoption by matching with specific birth mothers and steering clear of birth mothers or birth fathers that exhibit common warning signs. Our agencies disclose a full social and medical history of the birth mother and frequently test for drugs and alcohol exposure.


Common warning signs of what? Mothers who may decide they want to keep and raise their children? What exactly are they saying here? These are people who are just another layer in the world of flesh peddling. They're not an agency. They are consultants who are nothing but another go-between in the middle of the AP's and the agency who is recruiting the expectant mother. This is another middle man. Another group of people with their hands out looking to make money on the sales of children but hey, if the word Christian is right there at the top of the page then they must be good - right? People (some, not all) who call themselves Christians are supposed to have a grasp of the concept of gratitude but can they appreciate the connection a mother and child have for each other? Can they appreciate that what's in the best interest of the child (except of course in the case of abuse or neglect) is to remain with his/her natural family? Do they only feel gratitude for the bottom line? 


As much as it hurts to see this, I'm grateful for the media that allowed it to come to our attention. If we didn't have access to this information, how would we know that this was going on? How would we know that there are things that need to change? I'm so grateful for the time we live in but so sad that the time we live in hasn't shown us to be more evolved than this.

Occupy Adoption

Occupy Wall Street is growing and spreading across the country. People are taking to the streets to take back their power and now it's moved on to the virtual streets of Facebook. Wouldn't it be amazing if there was such a thing as Occupy Adoption? The main idea of OWS is getting the money out of politics. Doesn't the same thing need to be done to adoption? The money has to be taken out of the adoption system in order for children's interests to be considered first. REAL family values have to be considered important. Mothers have to be considered important to their children, not interchangeable depending on who has the deeper pockets. Babies are bought and sold in this country just as our politicians are bought and  mothers are left bleeding at the side of the road.

a roar
“hearing her pain,
she stood up and spoke out loud.
another heard.
another spoke.
forming a circle around the wounded,
they bared their scars to one another.
gently they whispered.
we are one.
we are not in this alone.
we are one.
the chant grew stronger.
and stronger.
and stronger.
until a roar shook the earth.
and the world listened.”
~terri st. cloud


Thanks to FB (where I found Terri's words) and blogging we're getting the word out about the power hungry and the family starved. Just as people who speak out against corruption in government are sometimes  painted as anti-American, those of us who talk about power imbalance and corruption in adoption are labeled as anti-adoption. Am I anti-adoption? Yes and no.


My 'anti' list.....
mothers and babies being separated unnecessarily.
agencies and brokers making tens of thousands of dollars on the sale of babies
price lists for babies - oh, pardon me.... "situations"
pro-adoption language like the word "situations"
college scholarships for mothers who surrender their children for adoption
organizations like NCFA who lobby for the brokers
the lies of open adoption
the unenforceable open adoption
the time frames in which a mother can sign surrender papers
the ridiculously short revocation period for the mother
agencies advertising for and recruiting pregnant women
PAP's advertising for babies 
pre-birth matching
PAP's in the hospital with a mother when she's giving birth
the connection between abortion and adoption
adoption used as solution by pro-lifers
adoption used as solution to poverty
the lack of resources for mothers and children
the sense of entitlement that many PAP's have
adoption being viewed as a solution to infertility
adoptees not having access to their own personal history
sealed original birth certificates




My 'pro' list.
true orphans or children in need being taken care of by a family


As you can see the 'anti' list is far longer than the 'pro' list so I guess that makes me about 99% "anti-adoption" but it's not un-American to speak out against unethical practices. (I'm sure there are things I've left off the 'anti' list, I'll add them as they come to me.) The mothers and adoptees who are affected by the corrupt adoption system make up the bulk of the people involved in the industry but have the smallest voice. I think that's changing. Like OWS, the number of voices is growing. It needs to keep growing for the sake of families.

I love this list How To Really Love a Child by Sark. I would add to it.....


Keep children with their mothers and natural families whenever possible.

Awards time

Wow, that was hard. I could have just as easily voted for the others in each category. Put your 2 cents in here at the Fifth Annual Demons of Adoption Awards 2011.

Upside down

There's an interesting discussion going on over at First Mother Forum. Jane was honest in her feeling of being uncomfortable around adoptive parents and the comments that follow are equally as interesting. While I was reading I kept thinking about the "triad" term. It was brought up in the discussion and the image that kept coming to mind was an upside down triangle divided into 4 parts. Those of us who have been torched by adoption know that there's no such thing as the equally portioned triad between the adoptive family, the natural family and the adoptee. What I keep seeing in my head is the sketch at left and that's not accurate either. Actually, the adoptee's portion should be even smaller or truthfully it should be non-existent and the natural mother's portion should be smaller also.

I understand what Jane is saying about her feelings around adoptive parents. I find myself shutting down when I hear someone say that they adopted an infant. It happened recently with a student. Since I don't know the circumstances surrounding that person's adoption experience I just keep my mouth shut and don't say anything but it does make me want to change the subject so adoption doesn't become the focal point of the conversation. For me, there are days when I can talk about it and some days when I can't. Sometimes the emotion of it is just too close to the surface and it's too painful to even take advantage of the situation and use that time to educate someone about the other side of adoption.

Being PC was also mentioned in the discussion in regards to the honest feelings about adoptive parents. One adoptive parent even commented that they were tired of other adoptive parents whining about what they go through to adopt a child.
Margie said.... 


"APs whine way too much about what they go through. I can tell you for a fact that the day my first child arrived, that "paperwork" was a distant memory, forgotten. I know it was a different story for his mother."


I appreciate Margie saying that. It's what I've felt all along. I know I've talked about pain wars and how pointless they are but let's get real for a second. All of us have pain and deserve to be validated. That is truth. Yes, it's painful to be infertile. It's painful to go through the tests, treatments and sorrow when the treatment doesn't work. It's painful to lose the dream of a family. I do understand that. I also know that all the paperwork and home study stuff is a pain to deal with and it takes time - I'm sure much longer than anticipated. BUT...... where does that stand in comparison with a mother who gave birth to a child, loves that child and wanted to raise her baby but couldn't for whatever reason whether real or imagined coerced. An infertile couple is grieving a loss. They are grieving the loss of a child that could have been, a child that doesn't actually exist, it's an imaginary child. What they're really grieving is the loss of being a parent, their own need to be a parent. When a mother of adoption loss is grieving, she is grieving the loss of an ACTUAL CHILD - a living, breathing infant who she is biologically connected to, an infant she shares DNA with, an infant she carried for 9 months. I'm sorry, but there is a difference. At this point I don't care if it's not PC to say it. The pain of not being able to conceive and having to do paperwork instead in order to become a parent doesn't even begin to compare to the pain of losing a child. There, I said it. Yes, I know I said the pain wars are pointless but like Margie, I'm sick of the whining about what APs go through. While an AP is experiencing the joy of parenthood a natural mother is grieving for the rest of her life. While an AP is rejoicing about their well adjusted, happy toddler they really have no idea how the adoption is going to affect that toddler in the years to come. While an AP is enjoying being a parent an adoptee is dealing with the loss of his original family.

In the comments after Jane's post Robin said.....


"Pertman goes on to say about infertile people, “We’re supposed to swallow our loss, internalize our pain and move on.” Well, yes, actually you are. Just because someone cannot conceive their own child doesn't entitle them to someone else's child. I've had some downtime lately and spent a part of it reading trashy celebrity magazines. It seemed adoption was mentioned on every other page. No matter how old the celebrity, no matter what his/her sexual orientation was or their relationship status, they all felt entitled to have a child (that is to adopt a child). They just seemed to assume that their fame and money entitled them to a family. Of course, not one word was mentioned about the pain to the first parents or how the child will feel about being adopted. These things don't seem to even cross the celebrities' minds. It's as if their are endless numbers of children who would be so much better off being raised by a wealthy celebrity. Unfortuneately, we still have a long way to go in some corners to get our message across.


The adoption industry is a system that's screwed up. I was going to say broken but it's not really broken as much as it's unbalanced and corrupt. There's a lot that needs to be fixed. Where do you begin to fix such a problem? Take a look at an emergency room situation. ER staff deal with triage. They have to determine who needs help first. In a triage situation they look at the most life threatening situations first and take care of the patients with the most need first. From there it's a sliding scale of need. Who in adoption should be considered first? The adoptee of course. It's supposed to be about children after all.

Jane said.... 


"The purpose of adoption is to provide a family for a child who needs one, not a child for a family. If the reason a child lacks a family is because his natural family lacks money, then people interested in that child's welfare would help the child's family care for him. Obviously when people are willing to spend lots of money to obtain a child but not to help his family care for him, it is not the child's welfare they are interested in but meeting their need to have a child regardless of what's best for the child."


The adoption industry is seriously ill so maybe it's time for triage. Where is the most need? Who needs help first? The children of course yet look at where they are in the upside down "triad" of power. They are the powerless yet they have the most need. The welfare of children should be everyone's focus, not dollars and the personal needs and wants of adults. Take care of the children! If you want to adopt look to the children who are truly in need. Don't take a baby from his mother because YOU want a baby. It's about the children. It's about the children. It's about the children. It has to be said over and over and over and over...... take care of children's needs first!

Nothing to do with adoption

 So this is what I've been up to for the last few months. I haven't been here on the blog very often or reading very many blogs because my life has been consumed with turning this life-size fiberglass horse into an abstract painting called Sunny.......

 helping my husband work on his life-size horse sculpture called Clockwork Fury........

and babysitting this charming little girl named Maxine.

Working on public art projects like Horse Fever has been a highlight of my art career. This is the third time I've gotten to paint one of these horses and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. They're a ton of work but so much fun to do. I simply painted mine. My husband's horse on the other hand - now that one was some work. He actually took one of the fiberglass forms and cut it into many, many pieces. He then welded a steel frame upon which he reassembled the thing with piles of other parts like gears, rusted chain, clock innards and various other bits and pieces - working on that horse was pure madness. We spent many sleepless nights working out in the back yard with all manner of power tools and driving our poor neighbors insane I'm sure.

When I wasn't working on horses I was snuggling a grandbaby so other things had to rest on the back burner for a while. Eventually I'll get caught up on reading my friends blogs and hopefully catch up on the sleep too.

Credit for final Sunny photo: Tammy Griffin

Photo credit for Clockwork Fury: Brian Hershberger

Just another way

I just wanted to share this post by Mei-Ling about the term "paper pregnant". I was truly disgusted the first time I heard that phrase used by PAPs. I felt like I, along with all the other natural mothers out there, just had the last door shut in our faces, the last connection to our children negated. The people that society claims are more deserving of our children are not only taking our babies but staking the claim to our pregnancies also. No PAPs, you are not pregnant, not even on paper. It's a lie. It's just another step in the "as if born to" process of pretending the baby is yours. It's another way that the agencies encourage PAPs to feel entitled to a woman's child before she's given birth to the baby. It's another way to put pressure on a pregnant woman. If she's sharing the pregnancy with the PAPs then surely she's not going to keep the baby from them after the birth. Here we have it, 2 more words in the coercion arsenal.

On another note, update on the show Parenthood that I mentioned on the previous post..... pregnant girl has a legal issue but can't afford an attorney. Guess who IS an attorney - of course, the one who wanted to buy a baby. She happily offers her services to the girl free of charge. You could see the gleam in her eye and the wheels turning.  Later in the show, after legal issue is resolved, she asks the pregnant girl if she would consider letting her adopt her baby and all the girl says is NO. Yay!

Will they or won't they?

I watch this show called Parenthood. It's pretty good for a weekly family drama/nighttime soap opera. I watched last season and was excited to see the new season starting this week. I was prepared, I was settled in with my remote, ready to fast forward through the commercials (of course I try to record anything I watch on a regular basis so I don't have to sit through those). What I wasn't prepared for was one of the characters on the show bluntly stating that she wanted to BUY A BABY. I don't remember the exact words but it went something like.... "You know the latte girl at the office? She's pregnant and I want to buy her baby". I may not have all the words exactly as they were scripted but she did say BUY. After I got over my annoyance that the topic of adoption crept into my guilty pleasure of a nighttime soap, I was shocked at what I heard. She really did say BUY!

My first gut reaction was such utter disgust that I was about to turn the tv off and declare that I'm never watching that show again. Then I thought..... I wonder where the writers are going with this. For them to have her state that with such brutal honesty, it makes me think - could it be that they might not be going down the sparkly, pastel colored kool-aid highway? What if a show actually, really told the truth about the human trafficking known as adoption? What if they actually talked about the role the agency plays and the amount of  money to be made on the backs of mothers and their children? What if they made a point of talking about how society views women. What if they actually tried to present adoption from the viewpoint of the natural mother, or even the adoptee? Could it happen? Am I dreaming to think that on prime time TV there might be a viewpoint presented that doesn't suck up to the industry? Could there be a show so bold as this?

Ok, I'm a awake now and yes, I know it's fiction. It would probably mean ratings suicide for them but I have turned into the eternal optimist. I would like to think that a show I've enjoyed would continue to be a show that I'll enjoy AND they'll tell the truth about something. We'll see what happens.