Pets, social media and babies....

What do these have in common? They're all adoptable. I don't have a new painting finished yet in the Silent Voices series so I was looking around Google images for some kind of picture to add to this post. When I Googled images for "adoption business, what did I find? I found business cards for greyhound adoptions, images for Fuzzy Faces Pet Adoption Services, sites about adopting social media for your business, ads placed by couples looking for their "forever children" and of course, pictures of Brad and Angelina.

So, what was the original intent for this post? This website. I am offended by this website on several levels. In fact, there have been several things going on online that are offensive. Is that a surprise? Of course not. That's just par for the course in adoption. There are stereotypical one-liners in movies that are insulting to adoptees, there are advertising agencies who guarantee they can find a baby if you just sign up with them, there are people with Ph.D.'s who think that adoptive parents are not given the respect and support from society that they need and it's her job to encourage that support. Maybe it's the mood I'm in but I'm in no mood to see this crap.

First things first. Someone shared the Adoption Advertising site on FB today so I thought I'd take a peek. These folks say they're not an adoption agency but....

"We know the adoption business well. Our backgrounds are both in adoption marketing and social work. And we have a heart for what we do. We carefully screen all our birth mothers to minimize your financial risk and have a very high percentage of placements. If you work with us, we guarantee that we will find you a baby!"

This is on the page where they talk about the costs of adoption....

"The following is a range of total costs and the minimum budget we require to work with us.. It does not include your homestudy, adoptive parent travel costs, and some states birth mother medical expenses, but does include our fee, travel costs for the birthmother, living expenses, social work and legal fees."

Caucasian: $25K - $40K   Min. Budget of $25K

Biracial: $18K to $25K      Min. Budget of $18K

AA: $15K to $20K              Min. Budget of $15K

On another page they do recommend that PAP's develop a relationship with "their birthmother". Why is that?

"Talk to Your Birthmother

There is no substitute for your personal interaction with your birth mother. From experience, we recommend that you call her regularly. A genuine rapport with the birth mother of your child is a common denominator of most successful adoptions. This may be a new experience for you and stretch your comfort level, but it’s worth it. It increases your chances of getting your baby and will give you valuable information, which you can share with your adopted child as he/she gets older. Of course, you must respect any boundaries that your birth mother has and always be gracious."

Well, certainly the PAP's need to be kind while they're working on the mother to get her baby. Of course if the PAPs are unsure of their skills they can always rely on the advertisers to provide the name of an attorney who can take care of it for them.....

"We have one adoption attorney we work with that gets surrenders on almost every birthmother he works with, whether in his backyard or across the country."

They may not call themselves an adoption agency but if it talks like one and charges like one.........

So now, on to the Ph.D. and her article Stigmas About Adoption Remain, and Hurt Families. She begins by talking about the comment in the movie The Avengers and it reminds her that there are still stigmas to deal with about adoption. She then spends the rest of the article talking about what the adoptive parents have to deal with and how they can cope. Wait a minute. I thought this was supposed to be about adoptees. As is typical, the author ends up sounding like just another mouthpiece for the adoption industry. Be sure to read the comments along with the article. As soon as I commented and mentioned that coercion still going on I got slammed by a very defensive AP. The discussion is still going on and is getting interesting.

Holiday Traffic

I just looked at the date of my last post and was amazed. Oct. 11 was quite awhile ago. You know how it is, busy with life in general, working constantly and trying to make ends meet, noticing November's focus on adoption and wanting to avoid the subject all together. The last few months have been difficult and I just didn't think I could handle anything else that would add to the general down in the dumps feeling.

Today was a good day though. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. The focus is all on being with family, friends and loved ones. There's no pressure with shopping, budgets, time crunches etc..... for me it's just about love. I was with some of my loved ones and some were at other dinners in other towns and other states. Although they weren't here I know they care for me and I have so much to be thankful for. Today I had my son  and his family with me but my girls weren't here. My oldest is in Ohio and my youngest was with her hubby's family. I miss them but it's fine because I know our relationships are about a lot more than just one day.

So anyway.... I've been focusing on the gratitude today. I am so grateful to have my oldest daughter back in my life after 22 years of separation due to adoption. I'm grateful that I can now say I have 3 children. I can now say I have 4 grandchildren. I don't have to hide anymore. I don't have to lie anymore. I have contact with her. I can tell her that I love her just like I do with my other 2 children. She's a part of me and I can claim that without fear or shame. People who have never been through adoption separation have no idea just how huge this is. It's big. It's life changing - for both sides. I'm grateful that I was able to find my daughter. I'm grateful that I could stand in my back yard and take a photo of all 3 of my children - that was a dream come true. Even though that particular event happened some years ago, it still sticks in my mind as if it were yesterday. It was a pivotal event.  Holiday photos are taken by the billions and they're wonderful but there's something special about taking a picture of all of your children together for the very first time. That particular day wasn't a calendar holiday but it was a moment that divided my life. There was the "before my children met each other" time and then the "after my children met each other"time.

What else am I grateful for? The internet. It's helped me stay connected to my daughter and grandchildren. It's helped me to stay connected to family that live on the other side of the country. It's helped me hang out with friends and other artists. It's helped me get the word out about my work. It's inspired me by showing me the world. It's also shown me the dark side of the world we live in. Even though I don't really want to know this because it's hard to read or see, I'm grateful for it. If we didn't find out about the greedy, money grubbing, baby trafficking people like this how would we know what we're up against? We need to know that there are people advertising this little boy

 "Caucasian boy due Dec. 25 in UT. Agency fees of 30,500 plus 1K medical." 


or this baby.....


 "African American baby of unknown gender due 12/3. NEEDS UT FAMILY! Agency fees of 17K plus 6K medical." 


Now can someone please explain why the medical is 1K in the first listing but 6K in the second listing? Could it have something to do with the holiday? The first baby's due date is Christmas day after all. Why is the Caucasian boy so much more expensive than the African American baby of unknown gender. Is it because the gender is unknown or because the baby is African American? WTF? 


Here's another little item from this company's site....


Education on Birth mother warning signs and Birth father situations: We help our clients reduce the risk associated with adoption by matching with specific birth mothers and steering clear of birth mothers or birth fathers that exhibit common warning signs. Our agencies disclose a full social and medical history of the birth mother and frequently test for drugs and alcohol exposure.


Common warning signs of what? Mothers who may decide they want to keep and raise their children? What exactly are they saying here? These are people who are just another layer in the world of flesh peddling. They're not an agency. They are consultants who are nothing but another go-between in the middle of the AP's and the agency who is recruiting the expectant mother. This is another middle man. Another group of people with their hands out looking to make money on the sales of children but hey, if the word Christian is right there at the top of the page then they must be good - right? People (some, not all) who call themselves Christians are supposed to have a grasp of the concept of gratitude but can they appreciate the connection a mother and child have for each other? Can they appreciate that what's in the best interest of the child (except of course in the case of abuse or neglect) is to remain with his/her natural family? Do they only feel gratitude for the bottom line? 


As much as it hurts to see this, I'm grateful for the media that allowed it to come to our attention. If we didn't have access to this information, how would we know that this was going on? How would we know that there are things that need to change? I'm so grateful for the time we live in but so sad that the time we live in hasn't shown us to be more evolved than this.

Pieces

I painted a self-portrait a few years ago. For those of you who get involved in creative endeavors you understand this feeling. You go into the studio, or sit at the computer and in a flash the entire day is gone. That was the day I painted this. I started it in the early morning and didn't come out of the room until it was done later that evening. I don't even think I ate anything that day (I should paint that way more often).

This was done post-reunion and in a way it was about a reunification of my fractured self. When you lose a child a piece of you is missing. You go on with your day to day activities, you laugh and love and you raise your other children but there she is. She's always there, in the hair color of a little girl you see in the grocery store or the eyes of a child you see at a party and you wonder..... could she be? How can I find out her birthday? How can I find out if she's adopted?

Like I mentioned in my earlier post about looking back and not recognizing the letters I had written - the self-preservation mode - living life with adoption is like that. One part is living a life that's happy while the other part is always on the look out, always searching and longing. This portrait was not only about the experience of a mother but about the pieces of a life finally coming back together.

While reading some articles and blogs I see this quite a bit.... adoptees need to quit whining, adoption is a miracle, mothers need to get a life and stop being hateful and bitter, everybody needs to just shut up and be grateful for the generosity of the adopters. In fact, here's a real gem of an article that puts all these attitudes together in one place. The writer of this...... thing.... obviously has no clue about what really happens in adoption. She just sees one tiny piece and comes to the most ridiculous conclusions. Unfortunately this happens a lot, people only see one little segment of the picture so let's look at some more pieces of adoption world.

This is a very, very short list of adoption agencies - some big, some small. If you look through these you'll see the machine in action. These are the people who make the money, the ones who use vacation packages and college scholarships to entice young, vulnerable, pregnant women through their so-called "birthmother" outreach, one of these spends millions a year on advertising to mothers. These are the people who use counselors to advise mothers - counselors who are paid by the adopters through the agency who stands to make the money. Can you guess what they're advising them? Questionable ethics here? These are the people who claim they can get a baby in 4 months because they are results driven!

http://www.adoptionnetwork.com/adoptiveparents/domestic-adoption.shtml?h_ap_t
http://www.adoptionsfirst.com/BirthMothersSite/index.php
http://adoptionshepherdcare.com/pregnant.html
http://www.littleangeladoptions.com/
http://www.abondoflove.org/Birth_Parents_Who_Chooses_Adoption_and_Why.html
http://lifelineadoption.org/pregnant/not-consider-adoption/
http://impregnant.bethany.org/index.php/adoption/adoptionmyths

These are the tools the agencies use. They teach the hopeful couple how to advertise. There are now businesses popping up that help with the marketing to the mothers. If the couple doesn't have that artistic flair these folks can make their brochure stand out among the crowd.

http://www.littleblessingsadoption.com/
http://www.foreverfamilydesigns.com/main.php#about%20us/
http://www.ourchosenchild.com/

This is big business so there are now lots of ways to finance buying a baby. Grants and credit cards are available and the government now gives a tax credit of 12,000.00+ to couples adopting a baby. It's amazing how willing everyone is to help adopters get a baby but when a mother needs help to keep and raise her baby it's frowned upon.

http://www.nafadopt.org/faq/faq.shtml
http://www.oneworldadoptions.org/financing.html
http://www.adoptionfinancinginformation.com/grants.html

Then you have the very many reunion registries that adoptees and mothers are pouring over for years, hoping and praying that they can find the part of them that's missing. The powers that be don't think that adults should be able to have their own personal histories. Adoptees are not "allowed" to have their original birth certificates. They're treated as if they're still children and can't be trusted to handle their own relationships.

http://www.adopting.org/adoptions/free-national-world-adoption-reunion-registries.html
http://www.nationaladoptionregistry.com/
http://www.isrr.net/

When you put the pieces together, adoption doesn't paint a very pretty picture.

The Adoption Bullet

It's Sunday morning and I'm relaxing, eating breakfast and listening to the quiet in the house. I got on line and read Robin's blog about the night she last saw her daughter. She wrote about signing the surrender papers and it was like I was transported back to 1980. There I was again, sitting in a room with a large desk, the woman behind the desk with her bobbed grey hair, looking at me with no expression. As I sobbed my way through the signing she said nothing to me, just pushed a box of tissues across the desk. Now here I am, 30 years later and reunited with my daughter, and this scene in my head can still reduce me to the sobbing girl I was then. The pain comes rushing to the surface screaming. It stops at my throat choking me until I let it out and have a meltdown.

A couple of days ago I wrote a message to a young pregnant woman who wrote on a public page that she just decided to give her baby up for adoption. I felt odd writing to her, a complete stranger. I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing by saying anything to her. I don't know her situation. I don't know if she's being pressured (after her reply to me I think she is). Now after re-living that moment in the adoption agency, remembering once again what it was like to leave the hospital without my daughter, I know I did the right thing by contacting this girl. She's still pregnant. She has no idea what's in store for her if she follows through with this. She needs to know what this will do to her and her child and you know the agencies aren't going to share that info with her. It's up to the moms who have been there before to tell her what she's going to face. It's also up to us to share with her any knowledge we have of resources that can help her if she decides to keep her baby. My guess is that the agencies aren't that forthcoming with that info either. I'm starting to compile a list of websites that might be a help to her. If any of you know of some good sites I can add to the list please let me know.

www.keepyourbaby.com
www.singlepregnancy.com
www.singlemothers.org
www.singlemothersoutreach.org
www.singlemom.com
www.whattoexpect.com

Girls/women in this situation need to know that there is help out there. It such an overwhelming feeling to be in the position of being pregnant and alone. What an easy target for the agencies and their greed. Every time I hear of another infant adoption all I can think about is that mother sitting in an office or even her hospital room still recovering from the birth, signing that paper and what it's doing to her. I think about that baby crying for his/her mother. I see the posts from the happy, smiling couples who are advertising that they want a baby. I want them to leave that mother alone. I want her to know that there's other options besides the so-called "loving option".

The girl I contacted may never write to me again. I may never know what she decided but I had to at least give her the information I never got. I had to tell her what I wish someone had told me. I couldn't dodge that bullet but maybe there's a way to keep other moms from getting hit.

Marketing Madness

In my recent travels through websites and Facebook pages I've come across more and more stories about folks advertising that they are looking for a child to adopt or agencies that are marketing to the unwed, pregnant mother. When I'm on my own Facebook page I see ads popping up on the sides that are advertising adoption agencies. Simply because I look at pages on this topic it automatically generates these ads. When they appear I can feel my blood pressure rise and my teeth grind.

This webpage called midwest voices has a guest columnist talking about his volunteer work with a Kansas City adoption agency.

"As a volunteer for a local Kansas City adoption agency, my caseworker supervisor has been training me to assist her as a “child scout”; connecting children with people who wish to adopt. Based upon the family and individual requirements (some are potential single parents), I search upon national websites, like AdoptUSKids to help connect “forever families” with children seeking homes."

The first sentence alone had me twitching - "child scout"???? Doesn't that just say it all? Scouting for babies. Isn't it obvious who the agency is working for? It's all about the PAP's. ......."with children seeking homes." Do you really think that those newborn infants - if they had a voice - would be asking to go home with strangers? Are these babies seeking homes? Who do these babies really want holding them?

"Presently, given the many State and private databases, I prepare search documents in MSWord, tables that are the result of “screen-scraping” data from the websites; tedious but crucial and much appreciated by adopting people with whom we work. But, what if we had a national “Facebook-like” platform to help fuse all of this information and share it? For the techies out there, yes this begins with a comprehensive “requirements document” to explain what everyone needs.

What if Facebook donated some of their time, talent, and treasure to this human endeavor?"

So, now they want to get FB to donate their time to help them find babies to sell. Why am I still amazed by this? I'm continually appalled at what people will do but this shouldn't surprise me. Sandy at Musing Mother came across another agency trolling on Craigslist. I've even heard of prospective adoptive couples handing out business cards to pregnant women who are not wearing a wedding ring. Just how low will they go? Well, it seems that all I've managed to do in this post is ask questions. Some of the answers are obvious but how low will they go? I hope we've already seen the lowest.