An opportunity to be heard

A while ago I asked mothers of adoption loss if they would like to be included in this painting. I added their names and the birthdays of their lost children. Since then I've done a number of other paintings, written narrative poetry to go with the pieces and did a book called Silent Voices.

Now I have a wonderful opportunity to continue this series of work about adoption and share it with the public in an upcoming exhibit at the 567 Center for Renewal art center in Macon GA. The exhibit will be in April 2016. My plan for the exhibit includes 14 large paintings (13 of them are done, the birthday candle painting will be included), a series of collages and a display of boxes. My plan for the collage work is to include handwritten stories from other natural mothers and also have some sheets of paper that are blank so people visiting the exhibit can add their own voices to the display.

My dear mom friends out there.... would you be willing to add your voice to this exhibit? This is a chance to have our voices heard. Showing at an art center with an exhibit that focuses solely on adoption loss from the mother's point of view is a rare thing indeed. I'd love to include as many of you as possible. Let's share our stories. Too many people have no idea what infant adoption does to the original family.

If you would like to participate, let me know in the comments. You can leave your story in the comments too and I'll write it out on paper but I would love to have your hand, your touch on that paper and then I'll make it part of the collage. You don't have to write a long thing- a paragraph or two would be perfect. You could write about any aspect of adoption. How did losing a child to adoption impact your life? How has it affected the rest of your family? What were the circumstances around the adoption? Were you able to hold your baby before relinquishing? Was it a closed or open adoption? Did you have to keep the adoption secret? These are just a few ideas.....

We can get in touch through email or you can message me on FB and thank you, thank you, thank you! I hope you'll consider adding your words. It would make the exhibit so much more powerful!

Coming to Terms

I read a blog post the other day. As Rebecca was triggered by Christine Murphy's book Taking Down the Wall, I'm triggered by Rebecca's post, not only as an adoptee but as a first/natural/birth mother. It was a difficult post to read. My adoptee status is different from most of my sisters at Lost Daughters. I'm a late discovery step-parent adoptee. It's not quite the same as what my dear sisters have had to deal with in their lives. I was raised by the woman who birthed me but at the same time, that same woman was the deciding factor in me losing my own daughter to adoption.

I know some adoptees have a hard time with that phrase - "losing a child to adoption". How do you lose a child that you surrendered? It's a legitimate question from where they stand. I can understand their problem with it. Intellectually, you can know about the coercion that happened to us yet at the same time, aren't parents, mothers in particular, supposed to move mountains to care for their children? I know as a mother, I would move mountains to do what I needed to save or help my children. But - why couldn't I move that particular adoption mountain out of the way of my oldest daughter's life? What was holding me back? My age, my unwed status, my upbringing, my parents, my naivete, my insecurity, my fear, my church - these were the obstacles that were too much for me to overcome at that time in my life.

Rebecca says....

"This anger is not an entirely new concept for me. I've acknowledged it before and identified it as "the baby rage." I've long been aware of its existence and intensity. I've simply never allowed myself to acknowledge its direction: my original mother and father."

I understand Rebecca's anger. I also have "the baby rage" toward my own original father. He certainly didn't "lose" me. He looked at me and walked away willingly and permanently. How could he just walk away from me - an innocent baby? I'm told that he never held me - only looked down at me in the crib. I'm told that his first words about me when he saw me in the hospital were "she's so ugly". He wanted nothing to do with  me. How can a man who fathered a child be that way? How could he? He failed me.

"I am angry because they didn’t fight for me. I am angry that they didn’t rise up and rage against the system that was tearing us apart. I’m angry that they didn’t realize what was truly being lost until it was too late. I am angry that they allowed themselves to be tricked into believing it would all be okay. Because it wasn’t and it never will be. Not entirely."

Just as I had no choice in whether or not I had my original father in my life, my daughter had no choices when she was born. I left her behind in that hospital, unseen and unnamed. Yes, I take the blame for not being there for my daughter. I feel the guilt daily for not being stronger and fighting harder for my daughter. I feel the guilt daily for not screaming at the nurses with their BFA protocol, the ones who took her from me in the delivery room and didn't let me near her. I feel the guilt daily of not standing up to my own mother when she told me that I couldn't bring a baby back to her house. I feel the guilt daily of signing the relinquishment forms that Catholic Social Services pushed in front of me as I sat there sobbing. I feel the guilt daily of not reaching out to others who might have helped me keep my daughter. I feel the guilt daily of what all this means for the relationship between my children as siblings and I feel the guilt of being the cause of the baby rage in my daughter.

"The baby me has no interest in the rationalizations of grown-ups. 

She is raging mad--and she has every right to be so!"

My daughter has every right to be angry with me and not be interested in my rationalizations. As an adult she says she understands and doesn't blame me but I certainly couldn't blame her if she does feel this "baby rage". She may very well feel it but may not want to express it to me. I may never know if this rage has kicked her in the gut and I'll just have to live with that possibility.

Over the years I've learned to come to terms with the guilt and it doesn't sting as badly as it used to. I'm sorry for what I've caused my daughter and I've learned to forgive the 19 year old me for not being able to fight harder, not being able to put my foot down and defy everyone. I've worked hard at being here for my daughter in the last 11 years of reunion and will continue to be here for her. Actually it hasn't felt like work at all. I spent so long looking for her that it feels more like relief. It's such a relief to call her my daughter and tell everyone about her. It's a relief to say I have 3 children instead of 2 and it's a joy to have her and her children in my life.

Did I "lose" my daughter to adoption? Yes I did. It was a forced, closed adoption. I had no choice at that time but my daughter was the one left behind and truly voiceless so I understand if there's a part of her that rages and it's ok if the rage is directed at me. I was afraid to use my voice but she was too young to use hers. What I can do is accept my part in it and I can feel better about being here for her now. It's also ok for me to direct rage at the man who walked out of my life and never looked back. He didn't try to know me. He never tried to find me even though it would have been easy for him to do so. For him there really are no rationalizations and I think that's why I haven't tried to find him. Why would I look for someone who obviously didn't want to be found?

My baby rage is directed toward my father but a different kind of rage is directed toward my mother. That's where a lot of my work is yet to be done. I've worked on forgiving myself yet I have a very hard time forgiving the woman who turned away her daughter and grandchild. Even after 34 years it's a rage that can blindside me. Many, many first mothers deal with this same issue and I've written about it before. It's an ongoing process that I'll continue to work on for the sake of my health and my family.

All we can do as adoptees and as mothers is work on mending ourselves and hopefully in the process we can connect with our families.

Dear Prospective Adopters

I woke up early this morning and the first thoughts that went through my head were about the comments I've seen on news articles about Veronica Brown and other similar cases. I've noticed a common theme among the comments by prospective adopters - the idea that "birthparents" can come back at any time to reclaim their children. I've seen many say, and I've personally heard people say, that's why they would rather adopt from over seas than adopt from within the U.S. They don't want to run the risk of parents wanting their children back. They want complete ownership.

Why is it that the child's original parents are always the ones vilified instead of the adoption agencies? Cases like Veronica's and others give the impression that parents can choose to just walk in and demand their child be returned to them. These people are either misguided by untrue news reports or are willfully ignoring the truth. I don't know of a single state where that is possible. Some states have a time period where a mother can change her mind. It  might be 3 days or 30 days and there are some, like my state of FL, where there is NO revocation period. None, zip, nada. Once you sign on the dotted line and you can do that only 24 hours after giving birth, there is no going back. You can change your mind on buying a car but you can't change your mind on forever altering yours and your baby's life.

Then why do I keep seeing these comments about the evil "birthparents coming out of the woodwork YEARS later to take the children"?

Dear prospective adopters,

Of course the first thing I would say to you would be - don't adopt. Don't take another woman's baby. You have no idea what that will do to her and the child.

Do your research. Really think about why children like Veronica end up in a tug of war. Instead of blaming the original parents, how about looking at the adoption agencies and how they operate. Really look at their practices for what they are - unethical and coercive. Really research and understand coercion. Understand that most infants were gained that way, through coercion. Notice I said most, not all. If you don't do this and you just go along with whatever the agency tells you, you run the risk of taking a baby from a family that wants and loves that baby. You run the risk of traumatizing a child for no reason other than your wants.

If you were duped out of your baby wouldn't you fight back? Instead of just blaming the parents, how about following the money. Take a closer look at what the agency is doing. If you find out after only a few weeks or months that what the agency did was wrong or that either of the parents wants to raise their child, do the right thing. Give that child back to the parents! Don't drag it out in court trying to hang on to someone who doesn't belong to you because the one who is getting hurt the most is the child. I know it will hurt you but there are other children out there who really do need you and that baby only has one natural/biological/original family. He or she has the right to be with them.

Please stop making this about what you want. Make it about the child.

If you want to do something, stop looking for pregnant girls who aren't wearing a wedding ring and start looking for the children who really need help. There are plenty of them out there. Yes, there are some really bad parents who abandon, abuse or neglect their kids. Those kids need you. They need your help but they don't need their names to be changed or their identities wiped out. They need your love, not your ownership.

Stop believing whatever the adoption agencies tell you. I know how much you want to believe them but don't. They lie. And please realize that your demand for an infant is what's keeping this horrible adoption industry going. They're not only still going - they're thriving to the tune of 13 billion $ a year. That's your money! Can you think of a better way to spend it besides lining the pockets of people who think it's ok to lie, cheat and steal babies?

There are some adoptive parents out there who get it. They've come to understand what the industry does to families and exactly how they make their billions. Please, please read what they have to say. Read what adult adopted people have to say. Read what original families have to say. It's easy to do, just google. The list of blogs is long. Don't just read what adoption agencies have to say. The agency is just catering to you and telling you what you want to hear because, of course, you're the one paying them. It's all about the money and it's not supposed to be. It's supposed to be about the children.

Please.

2 Conversations

This past week someone close to me, a family member, asked me how old I was when I was pregnant with my oldest child. She was referring to the one lost to adoption and when I said I was 19 her response was

"you were old enough to make your own decision"

Last night I was chatting online with a friend of mine and he said -

"even the strongest rocks crack and erode from constant pressure- that's how we got the Grand Canyon"

He was talking about a situation that is totally unrelated to adoption but when I read those words, they resonated with me, not just in the case we were discussing but also in relation to adoption. It was interesting to me that these two conversations happened so close to each other. His comment reminded me immediately of the other one about me being old enough to make the adoption decision and I thought how strange it was that someone who has known me for so many years and who has had numerous conversations with me about adoption, still didn't seem to understand the coercion for what it was. I guess she still thinks I had a choice and freely made the decision to surrender my daughter.

My friend's comment about cracking and erosion was spot on. That is what happens to mothers being groomed to surrender their babies. They crack and erode from the constant pressure. The pressure may be subtle, the techniques slick and fluid as water, but it's still pressure. Sometimes it's blatant but still not recognized by the mother because of her unsupported and vulnerable position. I sometimes still see comments from people on articles about adoption that say to the grieving mother - "well, no one held a gun to your head". Well, that person would be right. No one held a gun to my head. But what the people around me did hold was......

the ability to help me but they didn't. 

the information I needed in order to keep my child but they didn't share it. 

the knowledge of how adoption affects mothers and their babies but they didn't share that either.

the financial support that would have enabled us to remain together, once again, no sharing.

the emotional support that would have helped sustain us until we could stand on our own but wasn't given.

the emotional manipulation tools that would steer me in their chosen direction and they used them well.

Guns are not the only weapons that can be used against someone. If something as simple as water can carve out a canyon then why is it so hard to believe that a young, vulnerable, pregnant woman can be coerced out her newborn child?

Free today for the start of NAAM

To kick off the start of National Adoption Awareness Month I set the Kindle version of my book Silent Voices to be free for today. In this book I share the first 11 paintings and accompanying narrative poetry that I created about my experience with adoption.

So what is National Adoption Awareness Month?  Well, it began as Adoption Week in 1976 "to promote awareness of the need for adoptive families for children in foster care." That wasn't a bad thing. The thousands of children in foster care need families. Now the week has stretched into a month. A month of celebration according to these folks and many, many others like them.

How do they want to celebrate?

1.   One thing they would like you to do is donate to and support adoption foundations. Many agencies and foundations seek monetary support so they can give pregnant women scholarships for college IF they surrender their babies. One such foundation says....

"We proudly offer educational scholarships in deep appreciation to birthmothers who have chosen adoption for their children. They have enabled others to experience the joy of becoming parents and created futures, not only for those families, but also for their children."

I suppose they get around the whole coercion and "paying you for your baby" thing by saying that the mother isn't eligible for the scholarship until the adoption is finalized. They may have found a way to get around it legally (I still can't figure how it could be legal) but no matter how they maneuver it, it's coercion. If you want to participate in NAAM here's an alternative to supporting coercion:  help single mothers, mentor a young mom, help a mom with child care, job skills, supplies for her and her little one, donate to scholarships for single mothers. You get the idea.

2.   Another idea from the NAAM website is to write letters to your local newspapers to share the "blessings" of adoption. I can think of many things to call adoption, a blessing isn't one of them - not for me anyway. Instead, how about writing to your local papers and sharing the reality of adoption: coercion from past decades and coercion as it happens today, the falsification of legal birth documents, the trauma that mother and child face when being separated at birth.

3.   Ask your local library to display books about adoption. Instead of the ever popular "How to Adopt" books, ask them to display books like Ann Fessler's The Girls Who Went Away, The Baby Thief, Rickie Solinger's Wake Up Little Susie

4.   This is a big one in adoption land. The powers that be want to be sure you use this time to learn about positive adoption language. Positive adoption language is nothing more than another tool in the coercion kit. Read more about it in my Language and Lures post. Adoption is a dirty business and pretty sounding language isn't going to clean it up.

5.   Another biggie in adoption is prayer. You can buy a bracelet to wear so you can be reminded to pray for your adoption. All the proceeds of the sale go to the folks at the foundation I mentioned earlier. I have a very hard time with this one. I often see couples on their blogs and pages praying and asking for others to pray for a child to be sent to them. To me this goes right to the heart of what's happened to adoption. In order for a child to go to these couples, the child has to suffer some type of trauma first whether the trauma comes from being taken from his mother at birth or suffering abuse at the hands of his own family and taken from them. Either way the child suffers. In praying for a child to come to them through adoption, they're actually praying for a child to suffer. Of course they don't see it that way. They're praying for their own desires to be met. There's nothing wrong with the desire to be a mother or father but there is something wrong with praying for that desire to be fulfilled when you know that the only way it can happen is if a child is harmed first.

So, if you pray, how about praying this month for mothers to find the resources they need in order for them to preserve their families.

What Remains

What Remains

48x36

Standing at the edge,

treading lightly,

casting what's left of myself.

Who I was is gone.

This is what remains.

Bought and sold,

before and after.

Thoughts move from light into shadow.

One event, one moment,

became 2 lifetimes changed.

Holding thoughts of her, 

protected in the small dark place,

time moves in and out of the light.

With her,

in the sun,

who would we have been?