The Supreme Court says it's supply and demand.

Here it is, Mother's Day, and I'm resurrecting this blog because of the Supreme Court. Instead of thinking about Mother's Day and just hanging out with my son or talking to my daughter on the phone, I'm thinking about how many mothers in this country will have their rights taken away. How many women will have the choice of when they want to be mothers or be able to choose whether or not they WANT to be mothers at all? 

This is page 34 of the Supreme Court opinion that was leaked this past week. It demonstrates exactly what the plan has been all along. Cater to the adoption industry and the evangelicals. The evangelicals want a theocracy and the adoption industry wants more money. The so-called Christian right have been very obvious about wanting to tear down the wall between church and state. What hasn't been so obvious to everyone outside of the adoption reform community is how much the adoption industry plays politics. Well, here ya go.... "and that a woman who puts her newborn up for adoption today has little reason to fear that the baby will not find a suitable home."

Why? Why shouldn't women who surrender their newborns worry about their babies going to suitable homes? Well, because there are so many people wanting to buy those babies. Read the footnote below that was on the same page.

("[N]early 1 million women were seeking to adopt children in 2002 (i.e. they were in demand for a child), whereas the domestic supply of infants relinquished at birth or within the first month of life and available to be adopted had become virtually nonexistent.")

It's exactly what we've been saying all along. Infant adoption is a supply and demand business. It even says so right there in the Supreme Court opinion. The supply of infants diminished after Roe so of course the adoption industry is lobbying for more supply. People with money want to buy babies. That's what it boils down to. Give the people with money what they want. If you don't have money then tough shit. You don't get to decide if you can go through a pregnancy, even if you know it can cause you harm or kill you. You don't get to decide if you want to be a mother. If you and the baby survive the pregnancy, give your baby to someone who has more than you. 

When do you ever hear of a wealthy woman relinquishing a newborn to adoption? 

You don't.

Do you think a wealthy woman will have a problem accessing an abortion if she wants one?

She won't.

Please vote like your life depends on it because many, many lives ARE depending on it.

Oh the irony....

The picture below was posted on Talk About Adoption's Facebook page.

Along with this picture they posted the paragraphs below. 

It’s not just crucial for adoption agencies to be honest and ethical; it’s important for any adoption company, business or facilitator to be honest in their practices, transactions and in their words. That could even include birth moms, adoptees, and adoptive parents who make money off of transactions related to adoption. It’s important who we say we are, who (or what) we support, and how we present ourselves in and outside the adoption realm.

Why? Because adoption is already complicated. It’s not just filled with people who are grateful for the option of adoption; it’s also filled with those who are hurt and searching for someone to trust and help them heal. It’s also a community for those who are looking for adoption resources that align with their own personal or moral beliefs. The adoption triad must hold one another accountable in good faith and with the right motives so that we can unite together to make things better... It takes a village. Just be honest.

#TalkAboutAdoption #Honesty #Integrity #ProLove #ProLife #OpenAdoption #AdoptionoverAbortion #Lovethemboth #ChooseWisely #Birthmoms #AdoptionTriad

The first thing I thought was - ethical adoption agencies? It's difficult to imagine such a thing. They used the words "company" and "business". What do companies and businesses have to do to keep the doors open? They have to make money. The adoption system is largely unregulated so how can making money and children changing hands be done ethically?

There are several problems with this post but the things that really got me were "the adoption triad must hold one another accountable" and "just be honest". Really?? 

I commented on that post:

One woman replied with the usual #notall. I explained a bit more saying that I was speaking specifically of domestic infant adoption. Then she asked if I knew this from experience and I said I did and I personally knew many, many others with the same kind of experience. Her only reply was "ok".

When I went back to see if anyone else had commented on that post I saw that my comment and the entire thread was deleted. And I was blocked from the page. How's that for irony! 

Just be honest they said. Sure. But only if you're super happy about adoption! Just spew the usual rainbows and butterflies version and then we'll listen to you and your "honesty". 

Funny how they want us to "talk about adoption" but only if we say the words they want us to say. 

A Meme and a Prayer

I came across this meme online. It was first on Twitter, you can see the Twitter handle of the person who wrote it, @ihateadoption. I thought it was a brilliant bit of satire but apparently many people are very upset by it. I shared it on my IG page and then I saw it posted on FB. A lot of the people commenting on the post were very upset by what it says calling it sick, evil, written by a troll, terrible, disgusting, distorted, revolting, offensive, nasty, horrible, selfish, atrocious, and "it must have been written by a cold evil propaganda drama causing monster". Every one of those adjectives was taken from the comment thread on this meme.

Some assumed it was written by an angry and bitter first/birth mom. It was actually written by an adoptee. You know - the one who is supposed to be happy and grateful. What many of these folks don't see is the satire. They assume it's saying that this is how adoptive parents actually pray. They're taking it literally when they should be looking at what's behind the words.

I also commented on that thread...

It does sound very sick. But aren't those the things that happen in order for a mother to relinquish? If they're praying to adopt a newborn then in essence that's what they're wishing to happen.

No, I don't believe that adopters says these words when they pray. They don't say it consciously. In many cases they're lied to just like the expectent mom is lied to by the adoption agency. They believe what they're told because that's what they want to believe. If they believe then maybe they can get what they want. It's easy to set aside any doubts or misgivings about the process when you're being told you'll get what you desire. But I do have to ask those adopters - do you believe in the stork theory of where babies come from? How ARE you praying for your little bundle to arrive? Those babies don't just fall from the sky.

Let's break it down.

"I pray for a child, any child will do"
When an adoption "fails" what happens? The mother decides to keep and raise her baby. In my book that's not a "fail", it's a win for the child and mother. The couple then moves on to the next expectant mom who, under the agency guidance, picks them from a book. The first one didn't work out so maybe the next one will. Any child will do.

"I pray a pregnant woman is in crisis, I pray she is lost and alone. I pray her man and family forsake her. I pray she is broke and homeless"
A woman who is NOT in crisis, who is NOT lost and alone, doesn't go to an agency seeking help. A woman who has family support or support from the baby's father doesn't go to an agency seeking help. A woman who has a home and money in the bank doesn't go to an agency seeking help.

"I pray she chooses the drugs. I pray that she stays involved in violence"
If she's addicted to drugs and can't find help, her baby will likely be taken from her. There ya go.... a baby to answer that prayer for a baby to adopt. Where is the prayer for the mother's help and healing so she can take care of her baby? If there's domestic violence, a mother will be terrified to bring a baby into that world. If she has help to get out of the situation or help with rehab, she's not likely to go to an agency for help. In order for her to lose her baby to the adoption industry she would still be using or still stuck with an abuser.

All of these situations are used against her by the adoption agencies to convince her to go through that book and look at couples to take her baby. So when someone prays to adopt a newborn baby, they ARE praying for these things to happen. They may not do it intentionally but that's the reality of it because if it weren't for these situations, the baby wouldn't be available in the first place.

Now look at the second half of the meme...

"I pray she chooses me to save her baby from herself. I pray she hates herself enough to believe I'm better."
In order for her to surrender she has to be convinced that she's not good enough for her own baby. What else are those profile books for that the agency has the adopting couple make. They're full of pictures and essays about how wonderful they are, the trips they take, the dog they have, the house they live in, etc.... The message is that the couple is better than the mom. It's intention is to make the mom feel less than so she'll give her baby to someone "better".

"I pray this family falls apart. I want one of the pieces."
In order for adopters to get the baby they're praying for another family has to be destroyed. There's just no getting around that. You can paint it in rainbow colors and slap daisies all over it but it doesn't change the fact that a mother is losing a child and a child is losing an entire family. That child is forever, legally severed from his own flesh and blood. And no, reunion doesn't fix it and open adoption doesn't fix it.

"I pray a child suffers so I can be MOM"
I can't imagine people actually using these words and praying such a thing. BUT.... the truth is every adoption includes trauma. Babies are traumatized by the separation from mother. They are NOT blank slates. They know their mother's voice, heartbeat, and smell. They search for their mother because they think they're still part of her. They suffer when they're taken away from her. If you're praying to adopt a newborn, in essence you are asking for a baby to suffer. Period. And, I'm sorry to say that love from the adopters is not enough to take that pain away.

When you really examine what the adoptee was saying with this prayer, it boils down to selfishness. Infant adoption is a selfish act. Adults want what they want and it doesn't seem to matter how it affects another entire family or how it affects a newborn baby.

The image and words are making people angry and upset. Good. Maybe it will cause some of them to think about the message and reality behind it.

11 Reasons I'm Here

It's been over a year since I've written anything here. 2018 was a brutal year and I've spent the better part of this year recovering from it. It's a work in progress.

Depression is difficult. It's tiring, all consuming, physically draining, painful, guilt inducing, and unique to each person but shared by many.

We all go through down days. We all know what that feels like. But there's a difference between feeling down once in a while and sitting in a chair in your bedroom, staring at your bed and thinking... "I'm ok with not waking up tomorrow". I never made a plan or thought of ways to end me but just having the thought of not wanting to wake up in the morning was enough to scare the hell out of me. The next morning, when I did wake up, I called a therapist and made an appointment.

Why am I writing about this. Is it to gain sympathy? No. Why do I even have to explain why? It's because too many people want to say that anyone who talks about painful things is just playing the victim. What people don't realize is, depression already causes us to feel guilty about being depressed. The phrase "first world problems" comes to mind. Who are we to feel down when there's so much suffering in the world! Guilt jumps in when you feel like you're not upbeat enough and think you're lousy company. Guilt jumps in when you just can't face going out and being with people. So why am I talking about it? Because I can and because I think more people need to talk about it. Maybe someone else will recognize themselves here and know that they're not alone. 

There was a long list of things that happened last year that took me to such a dark place. It began with my father's death. I don't need to go into the rest of the list because, well, it's long and there's no need to at this point. Just know it was a crap year and when you're in the thick of a deep depression you can't see past the veil that hides all the good in your life. It's like someone is holding a black cloth in front of your face. You can kinda make out some bits of light here and there but mostly what's in front of you is shrouded in darkness. No matter how hard you squint you can't make out what's going on behind the veil. 

What doesn't help are the well meaning comments you see from others.

"don't be so negative"

"just pull yourself up"

"chill out"

"think happy thoughts"

"get out of the house more"

Yes, these things make sense when you're just having a down day. I use them on myself when I need to. Gratitude works wonders! We DO have many many things to be grateful for and reminding ourselves to be grateful can completely change our mindset and mood. But, the kind of depression I'm talking about is a different kind of animal and that animal doesn't respond to cliche sayings. That animal is not just being moody and can't be talked out of it with one afternoon of sunshiney talk.

It takes time. It takes talking to a professional counselor. It takes effort when you feel like just getting up out of the chair is a monumental task. It's hard but it's doable. And sometimes, if necessary, medication can help get you through the worst of it so you can start by getting up. Then you can do other things to help yourself.

Many years ago I believed the saying that suicide was selfish. I know now that's not true. I think it takes going through a severe depression to really understand why someone would contemplate taking their own life. I didn't think about the act of doing it but I did think how nice it would be to not wake up. What that tells me is that it's not a selfish thought. It's about wanting to end pain. It's about feeling like you just can't take any more of it. 

So those 11 reasons I'm here are...

       3 children I love and adore with all my heart.

       7 grandchildren I love and adore with all my heart.

       1 online community of first mothers and adoptees who understand

The little bits of light that I could see through that black veil were the faces of my children and grandbabies. I couldn't stand the thought of not seeing them go through life while I have the chance. I want to be here to see my grandchildren grow up and become whoever they're meant to be. They all need a healthy mother and grandmother and the thought of those little lights waiting for me got me up out of that chair.

My online adoption community has been a lifesaver in so many ways. The first time I realized I wasn't alone with adoption trauma was when I read The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler. Since then, having a group of mothers and adoptees who understand me and what I've been through has helped me cope just by being there. I know I can jump into a number of forums and groups, be real, spill my guts, and they're there for me. We're all there for each other. And if you have a "real life" person who is your nearest and dearest friend that you can confide in, you can help each other through a lot.

Just as important as having people in your corner, is knowing who is not in your corner. I finally figured out that I can say no. I don't have to spend time with people who trigger upset. I can decide for myself who I want in my life and who to avoid. It's called self-preservation and there's nothing wrong with that.

What else helps? Doing something creative. For me it's painting. For you it could be singing, crocheting, dancing, baking, photography, scrapbooking, woodworking, journaling, anything that takes your mind to another place. You know that feeling when you look up at the clock and suddenly see that hours have gone by and you didn't realize it? That's being in the zone. Do something that takes you there.

Real self care is not selfish. I have my kids, my friends and my art. Art is my work but it's also my salvation and therapy. I even have what I call my therapy canvas. It's a 4 ft square that I throw paint at when I feel the need. Along with my canvas, real therapy does wonders. When you learn about CPTSD and what it does, suddenly, some things about life make sense. When you have a better understanding of why your brain does what it does, you can find ways of dealing with it. You can survive depression. You can make the veil go away.

        When you learn what it takes to keep yourself mentally healthy, do those things.      

The stench of hypocrisy

I'm having a hard time with the news right now. It's no secret how much I can't stand this current administration but right now I'm so enraged I can barely speak. The sight of children crying for their mothers, children behind bars and in facilities not knowing what's going to happen to them, the mothers not knowing where their children are, it's horrific and disturbing that this is what our country has become. I saw this article today and on one hand I'm glad to see it but on the other hand, I want to know where these leaders were when our babies were being ripped from our bodies and our arms and taken for adoption!

From the article.....

Cardinal Daniel DiNardo, president of the United States Catholic bishops’ conference and archbishop of Galveston-Houston, denounced a recent decision by Attorney General Jeff Sessions that women fleeing domestic violence and families fleeing gang violence are not eligible for asylum.

“At its core, asylum is an instrument to preserve the right to life,” said Cardinal DiNardo in a statement he read aloud to the bishops.

The Catholic church has long advocated for the rights of immigrants and refugees, and while the bishops have criticized Mr. Trump’s immigration policies before, this letter amounted to their strongest censure yet.

“Families are the foundational element of our society and they must be able to stay together,” the Cardinal wrote. “Separating babies from their mothers is not the answer and is immoral.”

Oh really Cardinal? I'm glad you're standing up for these children and their families but why couldn't you do the same for me and my daughter or the millions of others separated by adoption? Why are people outraged by what's happening now but don't seem to have any outrage over babies being separated from their mothers at birth for infant adoption. It is still happening. Every. Single. Day.

What's the difference? We all know the answer to that. Let's all say it together shall we - follow the money.

With the situation of the immigrants, the church gets to stand up and act all righteous. See? We're about helping families. We have family values. Where are those family values when it comes the mother and child bond if the mother is unmarried? That's right. It goes right out the window because babies are big bucks. Gotta keep the machine rolling but at the same time, gotta pretend that these family values mean something, so they show the world how caring and just they are with one hand while the other hand is cashing in on the profits made by tearing families apart.

Bishop Edward Weisenburger of Tucson, Ariz. suggested to the meeting that “canonical penalties” be imposed on Catholics “who are involved” in the policies of family separations, though he did not specify what he meant. Canonical penalties can involve denial of the eucharist or even excommunication. His suggestion was not adopted.

His suggestion wasn't adopted. Big surprise. How I would love to see penalties for those involved in the policies of family separations. They could start with a Catholic Social Services file from 1979 that includes a document they coerced me into signing when I was only 6 months pregnant. That document gave them custody of my daughter at birth. How about looking into the legality of that? Do you think any of these people in the church give a shit about that?

Although I'm glad to see leaders standing up for those immigrant families, the stench of hypocrisy is sickening.

There, I fixed it for them

One of the things that makes me crazy is the blatant coercion that agencies use to lure in single, pregnant women. I can't even count the number of times I've heard that expectant mothers always have a choice. "No one held a gun to your head" is a common line. "You're the one who signed the papers" is another one. Why don't people understand that coercion takes many forms and sometimes that gun is shaped like this simple piece of paper.

I was poking around online the other day and came across this agency site. One of the most reliable "guns" in their arsenal is this piece of paper. Can you imagine being a young woman, single, pregnant, not knowing where to find resources or who to turn to? You think you found help and are then faced with this worksheet. Do you think the agency is going to give the woman information about where she can find resources to parent? Of course not. They're just going to show her this list and explain to her why the HAPs are so much better than she is. They'll grind down her resolve number by number until she surrenders.

So here, I printed the form and filled it out for them. This is what a mother has to offer. This is what every expectant mom needs to put on her list.

And for those who can't read my messy handwriting....

  1. Love

  2. The safety of remaining with the only heartbeat and voice she knows.

  3. Health benefit of mother's milk.

  4. True birth certificate with all rights intact.

  5. True identity and name.

  6. Forever relationship with extended family.

  7. Forever relationship with siblings.

  8. Freedom from the damage of separation trauma.

  9. Medical history.

10. Genetic mirroring.

11. Freedom from the feeling of abandonment.

12. Knowledge that her mother did everything in her power to keep her and love her.

13. Knowledge that she'll never have to worry about APs closing an open adoption and keeping her          family from her.

My guess is, a child would be pretty damn happy with mom's list and glad they both dodged the adoption bullet.

I was trying to pretend NAAM didn't exist

So here it is November 3rd and another National Adoption Awareness Month is underway. My plan for this year was to just ignore it all. I didn't really want to get into any of this stuff on the heels of the most ridiculous presidential election season ever. But - I got pulled back in yesterday and this morning by some comments on Instagram.

Many months ago I posted this picture. This is a painting I did as part of my Silent Voices series that I exhibited in Macon GA earlier this year.

I didn't post any comments with it other than the usual info about the exhibition. Yesterday began a little conversation.....

just_in_nashvegasChoose closed adoption!!!

• carlynnehershberger@just_in_nashvegas Closed adoption is a horrendous and inhumane system. Everyone is entitled to know their history and it's horribly cruel to keep a mother in the dark about the well being of her child.
• just_in_nashvegasMedical history yes and it's no longer her child when she signed the rights away k
• just_in_nashvegasAnd if she wanted to know the child so well she should keep it.. Let's be honest too broke to raise it but still thinks she is a mommy when she signs her rights away
• carlynnehershberger@just_in_nashvegas What's your connection to infant adoption? I'm a mother who's newborn was taken at birth and an adoptee. Babies are taken and sold every day through the corrupt, coercive infant adoption system. It's big business bringing in over 13.5 BILLION dollars a year for agencies. Without babies to sell the agencies can't pay salaries or keep their doors open.
• just_in_nashvegasWell you shouldn't have gotten pregnant that's on you! And im infertile I believe in a closed adoption very closed no pics no visits only letters
• carlynnehershberger@just_in_nashvegas Do you care at all about the adult adoptee voice when it comes to adoption or just your selfish desires? I suggest you read the many, many books and blogs written by adoptees. They speak loud and clear about the damage done to adoptees by the closed adoption system. Every single adoption begins with trauma and loss for the child. Please do your research before considering adoption.
• just_in_nashvegasWell the girls need birth control and they would be fine but they open wide don't they
• carlynnehershberger@just_in_nashvegas Well I tried. You're just going to be nasty so there's no point in continuing the discussion. I hope for the sake of any future adoptees in your life that you have a change of heart and look at adoption with compassion in your heart for what a mother and child separated by the system have to suffer.
• just_in_nashvegasYour know it's true the sluts get what they deserve!
• just_in_nashvegasSo pay 30,000 in fees raise the kid pay the bills and never be considered the mother never getting that respect from a birth family it's disgusting how whores wants open adoption maybe if they won't open their legs they wouldn't get what they damn well deserve
• carlynnehershbergerIf you have adopted or plan to adopt I hope you don't refer to your child's first mother in that way. You can call me all the names you want- it's obvious you have a lot of anger- but please refrain from bashing your child's biological family. It would cause unimaginable pain to that child.@just_in_nashvegas
• just_in_nashvegasI'll be up front with what the mother is not my fault my kid has a whore as a bio match... Those women can get pregnant 6 weeks later do what's the big deal that's why i believe in closed they get it all

Years ago that conversation would have upset me. Now I recognize it for what it is. There's a lot of pain and anger behind this woman's words. I don't know what the circumstances are surrounding the adoption of her child but it seems to me that it wasn't good and obviously she still hasn't dealt with her infertility issues. Having said that..... that does NOT excuse her attitude. From what she wrote she is the perfect example of what we call an adoptoraptor. I know adoptive parents hate to see that word but there really are those who fit the description.

What upsets me about this is thinking about what a woman like this is doing to her adopted child. She's going to be up front with her child by calling his/her first mother a whore and a slut?! I don't care if she calls me that- no skin off my nose and it's not like it hasn't happened before since starting this blog- but can you imagine being a child dealing with the knowledge of your adoption, trying to figure out who you are and hearing your mother call the woman who gave birth to you those terrible names? I'm so sad knowing that this woman is going to hurt her child like this.

I don't care if the child's first mother really is a crappy human. I don't care how deep this adoptive mother's issues go. There is never a reason to speak to a child about their family that way. That child is a piece of that family. When you talk about their family in those terms it's like you're talking about the child the same way. How much damage is this woman doing? Just the fact of being adopted causes enough pain. What kind of pain is her attitude toward the child's family going to cause?

This is another adoptive parent who believes the minute the papers are signed they take ownership of their prize human. Besides, she paid 30,000. She's entitled. The product is bought and paid for.

 MINE MINE MINE

 ALL MINE

AND.... the jealousy is coming through crystal clear. What does she care about the mother? That woman has the audacity to be able to conceive so all adoptions should be closed. That's what she deserves. She deserves to live in agony the rest of her life, never knowing what happened to her child, simply because she got pregnant in the first place and she might be able to get pregnant again. In fact, she could just spread her legs and pop out another one - what a whore!

So much nastiness and hate. Such a shame the child is the one who will pay for it. Like a friend of mine just said.... I hope she has good insurance for the therapy the child will need. I wish she had spent some money on therapy for herself before adopting.

I don't know if I'll get more comments from her. I thought about writing some more but seems to me anything I say is just going to get blown off anyway. She doesn't exactly come across as one who is willing to learn. I am grateful for the adoptive parents out there who are willing and able to take in the experiences of others and understand that adoption is NOT about them. It's supposed to be about the child.

Well, so much for staying away from NAAM this year. Time to go back to my happy place - the easel.

News, politics, adoption.... ugh

Sad and tired. I'm just sad and tired of everything right now. I want the election to be over, I want infant adoption to go away, I want people to stop shooting other people, I want people to stop victim blaming, I could go on and on. I think it might be time to hide under a rock for a while. I don't understand what's happened to people. Maybe nothing's actually happened and we're just seeing more of the hatefulness than we did before because of social media. I guess it's always been there, it's just more visible now. People are more vocal and public with their nastiness. Not only that.... they're trying to pass off the hate as humor and then blame the target of their hate for being too sensitive- "see, they're offended- can't take a joke".

This political meme has been making the rounds.

I'm guessing this is supposed to be funny but all I see here is the result of corporate owned newscasters/journalists entertainers creating a divide in our beautiful country. It's "us" vs "them" thinking. If we're too busy fighting each other we won't pay attention to what's going on. Is this really who we are? 

Too many people are buying into untruths or not bothering to read beyond headlines and are happy to jump to conclusions about others. It's easier to look at the headline and judge someone than it is to fact check, read or talk to people. Take a look at the way people have been judging the family who lost their 2 year old in the gator attack in FL. All you have to do is read the comments on articles about it. The horror of what that family must be going through right now is unimaginable yet there are people standing in judgement of them, blaming them, as if those parents aren't already doing that to themselves. I've lived in FL for over 4 decades. I know how dangerous gators are and I know they're everywhere. If there's a body of water there's likely a gator nearby but not everyone understands that, especially if not from the area.What the hell happened to compassion? As parents we've all made mistakes and children can get away from you in the blink of an eye. There but for the grace......

It's the same in adoptionland. First mothers are constantly being judged. Either we're brave and selfless or we're whores who should have kept our legs closed. Adoptive parents are either saviors or greedy adoptorapters. Adoptees are ungrateful children if they want to know where they come from. 

There are fights between first mothers over terminology. There are fights between adoptees over birth certificate legislation. There are fights between first mothers and adoptees over who can say what. And all the while the adoption industry is laughing it's way to the bank with that fat deposit.

Whether it's politics, adoption or a news story, the paintbrush has gotten way too broad. We're all guilty of it at times and it's time we cut that shit out and pay attention. I wish we could just stop and think before running our mouths and have some compassion for our fellow humans. Talk to people. Find out what the story is and really listen. Check the facts. We need to save our wrath for the ones who deserve it.

Crawling back under that rock now....

The Facts Remain

Yesterday we left home early to drive to Macon GA and pick up my paintings from the Silent Voices exhibit at the 567 Center for Renewal. It's a 4 hour drive each way so I knew it was going to be a long day but I was excited to get there and hear about how the show went after the opening. I was only there for one night so Beth was there for me interacting with the public during the month of the show.

Artists have a job. Sometimes that job description is about beauty- sharing nature, bringing it indoors for us to enjoy and sometimes that job is about telling truths, provoking thought and emotion, waking people up, educating or making a statement about a particular societal problem. When you put paintings out there that tell a story - a painful, uncomfortable story - it can bring a huge range of responses so I was not at all surprised by the reactions to my work.

There were other first mothers who saw the show and were deeply affected. There were many tears as people related to the poetry and the images. Some of those who were just as deeply touched were coming from completely different experiences, some not even related to adoption at all but were still about loss in a big way.

Some people were curious about the meaning behind the paintings and wanted to learn more and some people were looking from an artistic standpoint.

To me the most interesting reactions were the ones from people reacting with anger. One person in particular was so upset by the images that he called it "crap" and didn't understand how that "shit" could be exhibited.

There was also a group of people very insulted and offended by my work. New City Church shares space in the building with the art center where the show was held. They were so offended in fact that they forced the art center to remove 3 of my paintings every weekend before their services and then they were displayed again afterwards. They censored my show every week in February. That's how uncomfortable the truth is to some people. Which pieces couldn't they handle? Of course the 3 in this post. Every week these paintings had to go into hiding.

Funny how these 3 were the most obvious about the corruption of the adoption industry. I could pour my heart out in the other pieces about the personal price that first mothers AND adoptees pay because of adoption but don't let anyone see anything negative about the industry or any religious connection to it. Do you think I touched a nerve? Do you think there might be more than a couple of adoptive parents in the church? Yes and yes.

It's certainly not my intention to go around insulting and offending people. Anyone who knows me, knows that. My intention is to share my personal story because it's also the story of millions of others like me and most of the general public doesn't know about this part of history. It's the truth for them and it's my truth. My other intention is to make people aware of the other truth- the one about the corruption in adoption. I wasn't merely sharing my opinion. I was stating facts in picture form. What's on those canvases is a visual representation of the facts.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but hiding the facts, being insulted by facts, being offended by facts, doesn't change a thing. The facts remain.

Adoption is a supply and demand business making $$$billions$$$ for an industry.

I was a little disappointed in the turn out for the opening reception last month but after hearing about the reactions of people since then I'd say I did my job. The work made more people aware and no matter what their reaction was it made them think about it.

I want to say a giant thank you to Beth Smith for curating the show and being there to answer questions and be my voice for the duration of the exhibit. She was not only my voice for the rest of the month but she was also able to add to the show with her own voice as an adoptee. Thank you a million times over for being so strong and taking the leap with me.

So now, I'll continue to add more pieces to the Silent Voices collection and hopefully someday another curator will take the leap.

Well at least.....

Recently I was talking with someone about adoption and the different types of adoptees- adoptee-lite (step-parent adoptee like me), LDA or late discovery adoptee (like me) and of course adoptees who have always known they were adopted.

Anyway, we were having this discussion and I shared about someone I know who found out quite late in life that he was adopted. I felt that what was done to him was wrong. I understand what kind of upheaval that can create in a person's life. When hearing about the adoptee's situation this person's first reaction was to jump to the conclusion that the adoptee was just playing the "poor me" card. Apparently he just needed to choose a more positive outlook on life- look at the bright side- at least he didn't have major medical issues that were compounded by a hidden genetic history. At least he had adoptive parents..... at least.... at least......

I said that I thought this attitude was very dismissive of what the adoptee had been through. I expected more compassion from someone who knows me and knows what adoption does to people. The response was to actually say that he refused to give compassion when a positive outlook could be chosen. It was a refusal to put himself in another person's shoes. It was a refusal to even try to understand the feelings of another.

I'm sorry but that's not being positive or having an optimistic outlook, that's being condescending and dismissive of another person's story and the impact that story has on a life. I understand the importance of having a positive outlook. Choosing to use the pain of my own experience in a positive way is what's gotten me through the last 36 years of living with adoption. I get that! What I don't get are the assumptions- assuming the adoptee is using the experience to play "poor me", assuming the adoptee doesn't have a positive outlook, assuming that the adoptee is wallowing. He doesn't know the adoptee, has never had any contact with him whatsoever but was willing to assume that the adoptee just hadn't chosen the correct attitude.

This is no different than people assuming that first mothers and adoptees are all bitter and angry and should just get over themselves and quit talking about it. If you dare talk about the negative side of adoption you're just wallowing in misery and must have a terrible life. If we would just choose to be positive then of course the industry will fall in line and fix itself. Sure it will.

Isn't it possible to be positive and compassionate at the same time???

Does choosing to have a positive outlook mean that you're no longer allowed to express pain and anger? When you've been hurt, traumatized, had an awful thing happen to you, you will experience sadness and pain. What happens to those feeling then? They get bottled up, shoved down deep to eat away at you from the inside and who knows what kind of havoc that's causing your body. Have you every heard someone say they need a good cry? A cry can be good for you. It's releasing, it's cathartic, you feel better afterwards. What you don't need in that moment is someone telling you that you just need an attitude adjustment. The more positive feelings will happen after you let go of the crap that's built up.

Yes, we can choose to be positive. We can choose to be grateful for what we have and that's hugely important!! AND it's important to recognize the hurt that someone might be going through and empathize with them. Don't dismiss them as just having a poor attitude. Do some people wallow and spend their lives in misery when they can make another choice? Yes. Just don't assume that everyone who expresses pain is doing that.

Brene' Brown said "Rarely does an empathic response begin with- at least" Watch this short video from Brown about empathy and sympathy.

The discussion I had left me feeling sad and disappointed that this person didn't even want to understand what I was trying to say about empathy. I not only felt my friend was being dismissed but I was also dismissed as not having the proper attitude. Living with adoption is not a one time event. It's effects can be felt every single day of your life. You can choose to be positive in how you deal with it day to day and be a happy, productive member of society and there will still be days when it gets you down. Those are the days when a little understanding can get you through.

I think I'm coming to the conclusion that fear is at the bottom of this. People don't want to stand in another's shoes and empathize because that means feeling something painful themselves. It's much easier to wave it away and just say they need to be positive. What they don't realize though is what a huge, POSITIVE impact genuine empathy has for a person who is in pain.