Dear Prospective Adopters

I woke up early this morning and the first thoughts that went through my head were about the comments I've seen on news articles about Veronica Brown and other similar cases. I've noticed a common theme among the comments by prospective adopters - the idea that "birthparents" can come back at any time to reclaim their children. I've seen many say, and I've personally heard people say, that's why they would rather adopt from over seas than adopt from within the U.S. They don't want to run the risk of parents wanting their children back. They want complete ownership.

Why is it that the child's original parents are always the ones vilified instead of the adoption agencies? Cases like Veronica's and others give the impression that parents can choose to just walk in and demand their child be returned to them. These people are either misguided by untrue news reports or are willfully ignoring the truth. I don't know of a single state where that is possible. Some states have a time period where a mother can change her mind. It  might be 3 days or 30 days and there are some, like my state of FL, where there is NO revocation period. None, zip, nada. Once you sign on the dotted line and you can do that only 24 hours after giving birth, there is no going back. You can change your mind on buying a car but you can't change your mind on forever altering yours and your baby's life.

Then why do I keep seeing these comments about the evil "birthparents coming out of the woodwork YEARS later to take the children"?

Dear prospective adopters,

Of course the first thing I would say to you would be - don't adopt. Don't take another woman's baby. You have no idea what that will do to her and the child.

Do your research. Really think about why children like Veronica end up in a tug of war. Instead of blaming the original parents, how about looking at the adoption agencies and how they operate. Really look at their practices for what they are - unethical and coercive. Really research and understand coercion. Understand that most infants were gained that way, through coercion. Notice I said most, not all. If you don't do this and you just go along with whatever the agency tells you, you run the risk of taking a baby from a family that wants and loves that baby. You run the risk of traumatizing a child for no reason other than your wants.

If you were duped out of your baby wouldn't you fight back? Instead of just blaming the parents, how about following the money. Take a closer look at what the agency is doing. If you find out after only a few weeks or months that what the agency did was wrong or that either of the parents wants to raise their child, do the right thing. Give that child back to the parents! Don't drag it out in court trying to hang on to someone who doesn't belong to you because the one who is getting hurt the most is the child. I know it will hurt you but there are other children out there who really do need you and that baby only has one natural/biological/original family. He or she has the right to be with them.

Please stop making this about what you want. Make it about the child.

If you want to do something, stop looking for pregnant girls who aren't wearing a wedding ring and start looking for the children who really need help. There are plenty of them out there. Yes, there are some really bad parents who abandon, abuse or neglect their kids. Those kids need you. They need your help but they don't need their names to be changed or their identities wiped out. They need your love, not your ownership.

Stop believing whatever the adoption agencies tell you. I know how much you want to believe them but don't. They lie. And please realize that your demand for an infant is what's keeping this horrible adoption industry going. They're not only still going - they're thriving to the tune of 13 billion $ a year. That's your money! Can you think of a better way to spend it besides lining the pockets of people who think it's ok to lie, cheat and steal babies?

There are some adoptive parents out there who get it. They've come to understand what the industry does to families and exactly how they make their billions. Please, please read what they have to say. Read what adult adopted people have to say. Read what original families have to say. It's easy to do, just google. The list of blogs is long. Don't just read what adoption agencies have to say. The agency is just catering to you and telling you what you want to hear because, of course, you're the one paying them. It's all about the money and it's not supposed to be. It's supposed to be about the children.

Please.

But....

Over at iAdoptee I saw a list of blogs written by adoptive moms. I want to share this list because yesterday, in my last post I mentioned the lack of compassion in adoptive parents. That sense of entitlement is there in soooo many cases. The wanting of a baby can become so fierce that it seems to blind people to the damage that adoption does and the unethical practices that still exist. But.... there are a few adoptive parents who care about the consequences of adoption on children and their original families. They care about adoptees and their rights. Here's a sampling of what these moms have to say.

"One thing that I saw clearly these past two weeks is the irrefutable was the way the deck is stacked in favor of the adoptive parents at the expense of the parents who brought the child into the world.   I know that there are adoptive parents who loudly proclaim they are the real parents and they want the paperwork to show that. 

 But at what cost to the child and first family? 

 Adoptees have two sets of parents and if you, as an adoptive parent, can't deal with that. maybe adoption isn't for you."  ~ I Will Pull This Blog Over!

"Because of the privilege at our backs, I think we as adoptive parents have an obligation to work to leave space for and draw attention to first parent and adoptee voices, especially those who expose adoption's complexities and dangers." ~ Production Not Reproduction

"As a grandmother, I don't have a lot of years left to fight for open records. How sweet it would be if more of the younger generation would take an active role in overturning archaic (since the 1930s) laws that deny a minority group their birthright." ~ Adoption Talk

"2) Adoptions frequently occur as a result of a lack of resources (money, housing, etc.) on the part of the biological parents. Adoption moves one person (the adoptee) into a situation in which some of his or her basic needs can be better met but does not examine the larger social and political issues at work. It is a tragedy, and a societal failure, when biological parents cannot raise their children because of lack of resources, but the seeming "fix" of adoption prevents us from seeing it as such.

3) Coercion of first mothers: I wish I could say this was a thing of the past, but it's not. Too many women dealing with unplanned pregnancies still find themselves pressured, and even manipulated, into relinquishment."  ~ Love is Not a Pie

"Because In the history of the world, no one ever washed a rental car. We care only about what we own.

I heard this phrase yesterday in a radio interview with Aaron David Miller. The subject was peace in the Middle East, but it struck me immediately how applicable this phrase was to adoptee rights. It makes me really angry to observe how nonplussed the majority of lawmakers are about adoptee rights, and I think this little phrase offers at least a part of the explanation." ~ Third Mom

What is there to disagree with?

This open letter to adoptive parents and PAPs has been around for a little while but I thought it worthy of attention again. This letter was written by an adult adoptee and shared on a blog by another adult adoptee. These are the thoughts and feelings of a person who has lived adoption her entire life.

When I first shared this letter I got a response from a person who disagreed with the writer. The person disagreeing is not an adoptee nor is he a natural parent who lost a child to adoption. Now, I'm not saying that people don't have the right to disagree with others, of course we all have that right. In this case though, what seems like a simple disagreement comes across to me as a dismissal of the adoptee's experience. The criticism of the letter was basically that the letter made adoptive parents seem selfish and that many adoptees would have ended up in foster care anyway had the aparents not adopted them. These are the typical talking points of adoption agencies and those who wish to justify the for-profit adoption industry. When someone says to me that those kids would have ended up in foster care if they hadn't been adopted, they're talking about me and I have to object. They may not realize it but when they say these things they're saying that had I been able to keep my daughter I would have been a terrible mom and she likely would've been abused or neglected. They're making the assumption that babies surrendered by their mothers were at high risk of ending up in foster care. That's a mighty big assumption and a hugely insulting one to mothers like me who were railroaded, coerced, forced and left unsupported, mothers like me whose voices are dismissed right along with the adoptee's voices.

In the letter the writer states:

"I am not trying to tell anyone not to adopt. I am not saying, "shame on you" to anyone who already has adopted. What I am saying is, please step back and really think long and hard about the ramifications of adoption on the very person who is at the center of it all - the child you hope for or the child you have brought into your home."

This adoptee acknowledges that there are times when a child has to be taken from their natural family. We all know that, we know it's an ugly fact of life. What this adoptee is trying to accomplish is getting people to step back from the industry propaganda and HEAR what an adult who grew up adopted has to say about it. She wouldn't be saying any of this if there weren't adoptive parents out there doing the things she's talking about.

If you're not one of those adoptive parents or don't know any of those adoptive parents then great, but don't dismiss what she has to say because you don't think that those other parents exist.

They DO exist and they need to read this, understand this and put children first.

So, here are the basic points that the writer makes in the letter. Tell me what there is to disagree with here:

1. Being adopted hurts. If you're not adopted you have nothing to say about that.

2. The foundation of adoption is loss. In order for someone to "grow their family" another family has to be separated. That's a fact. That's a devastating loss for the child and a devastating loss for not only the mother but for the entire family.

3. Adoption should be a last resort. To me that's a no-brainer. Family preservation should be priority number one. Adoption should not be used to fulfill an adult's needs. Someone said to me that anyone who adopts to fill a void is delusional. If someone has been through miscarriages or unsuccessful treatments for infertility and then adopts a newborn, isn't that adopting to fill a void? What else would you call that? If they only want a newborn and don't want to take care of a child from the foster care system who is already available for adoption then that is filling a void. The child is "plan B"

4. Tell the truth to the child. Every human being deserves the truth about where they come from and who they are. It's not just about medical history, it's about basic human feelings and rights. Why is it ok for non-adopted people to delve into their genealogy, work on their histories and family trees. The "as if born to" line on adoption papers just doesn't work. Babies are not blank slates and yes there are adoptive parents who like to pretend that the child was born to them. This is why it needs to be said.

5. Support adoptees searching. Many adoptees feel guilty if they want to search for their natural families. Many times this is because they don't want to hurt their aparents feelings. The search has nothing to do with adoptive families. It's a personal issue between the adoptee and their first family of origin.

6. Don't get caught up in the adoption terminology. Who is the "real" parent? Yes, real parents change diapers, kiss boo boos and help with homework. And, yes real parents are the ones who share their biological history with the child. I am still my daughters mother. I gave birth to her. I may not have raised her (not my choice) but I always was and always will be her mother. If a parent can love more than one child, a child can love multiple parents.

7. Don't disparage the child's natural family. You would think this would be a no-brainer but sadly this happens. Just think how often it happens in cases of divorce. People sometimes let their emotions get in the way of what's best for their children and say horrible things about a child's other parent. It's just plain wrong no matter what the situation. When you talk trash about a child's parent, you're talking trash about them. It does happen and she just wants to remind people to think of the child first. Again, if YOU would never do that then fine. But there are other people that do need to be reminded.

8. Don't expect gratitude. Too many adoptees hear things like "be thankful you weren't aborted" "be thankful you weren't raised by a druggie" "be thankful you weren't abused". Anyone can say things like that. Anyone could have been aborted. Why do adoptees have to be EXTRA grateful?

9. Honor open adoption agreements. You would think this would be a given but unfortunately it's not. Open adoption is just another way agencies have figured out how to get unsuspecting, young, vulnerable, pregnant women to agree to surrendering their babies. In most states it's not legally enforceable.

10. Please don't celebrate "Gotcha Day". She makes the point that Gotcha Day and birthdays can be painful for adoptees. Be careful with these and think of the children first. These are reminders of the what the child lost. Be sensitive to that.

11. Educate yourself. How in the world could anyone disagree with that. Learning more about how adult adoptees view adoption is crucial. Learning more from the natural mother's perspective is just as important. If you're an adoptive parent, wouldn't you want to know all you could about how adoptees see the world they live in?

So when the writer of the original letter makes points such as these, is she painting all adoptive parents with the same brush or is she simply pointing out that these things happen and she wants to remind people who are thinking of adopting to consider what their child might be feeling? Is she saying that all adoptive parents are selfish? Of course not but there are aparents out there who are filling their own need to be a parent when they adopt a baby. Adoption is not about the adoptive parents!!! It's supposed to be about the child's needs being met. It's not supposed to be about curing infertility or making a profit for an agency. It's supposed to be about helping a child who really is in need. Supposed to be...... 

Coercion is still happening, women are still railroaded into surrendering their babies to adoption. Keep an open mind and listen to other voices. Don't just listen to what the adoption industry says. Remember, they profit on other people's pain.

Just stay out of it!

You know, I'm not one to rant and rage against adoptive parents or PAP's. As a general rule I'm not hateful toward people. I hate the money grubbing adoption industry but I don't hate people. There are some really great adoptive parents out there. Now here comes the 'but'. There is a page on facebook that's meant to be a source for expectant mothers who are considering adoption. They want to hear from mothers who have been down that road and are willing to share their experience and knowledge. Well, since I've lived with adoption as a mother who lost a child at birth I thought I would comment and share some of my blog posting. I also thought it would be good for them to hear from an adult adoptee so I shared a couple of Amanda's posts with them as well. I think EVERYONE involved in adoption should listen to what adoptees have to say. Plus, I wish there were people around who could've shared some of this stuff with me 31 years ago.

Anyway, it wasn't long at all before the admin was being warned by an AP about the "anti-adoption forces on facebook". She was there to offer help and support should things get out of hand with these forces. Gosh, am I part of a force? That's pretty cool :) My point is though, why is an AP on that page to begin with. Is she there to monitor the dialogue to see how the baby market is holding up? Is she looking for more babies and is afraid that someone like me might have a "negative" influence on the suppliers? Aside from this one person I also saw several posts by PAP's just openly advertising that they were looking for babies. Like I said, this is a group by mothers for mothers who are in need of support and information. Why can't these greedy, selfish people stay out of it and let these women hear from the mothers who have been there. We can tell them exactly what it's like to lose a child, not only in the months following the birth but decades later. If you're trying to prevent an expectant mother from hearing the real truth from other's real life experiences about what it's like to live with adoption then you are contributing to the coercion of that woman.

Me and the girls

There was a show on a few years ago called the Gilmore Girls. My daughter Sarah and I would be glued to this show every Tuesday night for 7 seasons. The main characters were Lorelei and Rory - mother and daughter, and it was about their relationship. At the time the show was on Sarah was about the same age as Rory so there we were mother and daughter watching mother and daughter. I also have to confess that we love the show so much we now have all the seasons on dvd and the boxes travel from my house to Sarah's and back again and we're still not tired of watching, much to our husband's dismay. The show had really great writers, it was smart and funny.

Anyway, the point is, the mom/daughter relationship wasn't the only reason this show resonated with me. In the story line Lorelei was 16 when she got pregnant, didn't like the plan her parents made for her, which was to marry her boyfriend so she left with her baby. She was taken in by a woman who gave her a place to stay and a job that would let her have some flexibility so she could care for her baby. Basically she had support, she had some help so could keep and raise her daughter. The writers on the show never mentioned the "adoption option" and I often wondered why. Maybe they thought it would be too deep emotionally, although they did get into other tough topics. They also got into Lorelei's struggling relationship with her parents - the after effects of her pregnancy and running away. There was plenty for me to connect with in this story.

During the years of watching I often fantasized about what it would have been like to have had that kind of support. What would it have been like if I had just been given a chance? I know it would've been hard but maybe I would've ended up sitting there on Tuesday nights with both my daughters watching the show. When I see girls now talking about the reasons they surrendered their babies to adoption or why they're thinking about surrender I just want to cry. I want to warn them, I want to shake them awake. The main reasons are usually.....

"I can't give my child the life he deserves"

"The adoptive parents are better off financially"

"My child should have 2 parents"

"I'm not ready to parent"

So, the first one - what exactly does that mean - the life he deserves? What a child deserves is the mother who gave birth to him. He deserves to be loved by the woman who nurtured him in her body for 9 months, the one who loved him before he was born. He deserves to know where he came from, to grow up seeing the faces of others who look like him and have mannerisms like him, who walk like him and have similar tastes as him. He deserves to know the other folks in his tribe.

Reason number two - they're better off financially. Well, there's always someone better off financially. There's always going to be someone who has more money than you. It's all relative. Money comes and goes, situations change. Adoptive parents can lose jobs too. They're not immune to crisis. Mothers should not lose their children because they're poor. Children should not lose their mothers because their mothers are poor. Ask about resources. Ask for help.

Number three.... having 2 parents. In a perfect world maybe but we don't live in one of those. Adoptive parents get divorced or one of them dies. There's no guarantees in this life. Single moms can and do raise children every day. So do single dads. No, it's not easy but the really hard stuff in the beginning is temporary. Your status as a single person could possibly change too.

And finally - not ready? Honey, no one is every ready for being a parent. Those 9 months of pregnancy is you getting ready. Your body is preparing and during that time you can be getting your environment ready, putting a plan into action. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world and the best job in the world and you don't want to miss out on it. It's day by day and that's how you learn. The joy of having your child with you and watching her grow will far outweigh any hardship you encounter.

Adoptive parents are not superhuman. They're people just like the rest of us - some split up, have problems, some are loving and some are not. With some support to get started you are capable of taking care of your child. You have no idea what you're in for when you surrender a child. No, it doesn't get easier over time. When the agencies tell you that it's a lie. The grieving goes on and on. Having an open adoption doesn't mean it will stay open. That's also a lie. Don't get all your information from adoption agencies and their counselors. Don't base your decision on pretty brochures with lovely photos of smiling PAP faces, picket fences and puppies. These are nothing more than ads designed by marketers. All they're saying is "pick me, pick me". Don't allow yourself to be matched with a couple and be pushed into a relationship with them when you're pregnant. Don't allow them into the hospital when you're in labor, in delivery or your room afterward. All of these things are designed to manipulate you into doing what they want - giving them your baby. The main thing is find out about all your options not just the "adoption option".

I love that the writers of the Gilmore Girls created a character who was strong and followed her heart, someone who got help and raised her daughter as a single mom. Yeah, I know it's only a tv show but it was a positive example out there in tv land of a mom who kept her baby and raised her well. I appreciate that.

How Much is That Baby in the Window?

“But what about adoptive mothers who want to maintain Their privacy.

I changed diapers for all those years. No one needs to know I did not give birth. Because I worked for the OB-gyn It was arranged for me to put on a gown and lie in the hospital bed so my family could visit and see our new baby.

No one needs to know they were adopted.”

The above quote is something I read in the comments to an article about opening adoption records. First I was shocked, then I thought - how sick is that?, then I felt sad for her children. Do they even know they were adopted or are they going to find out as adults when they try to get a passport and are denied or they have problems getting their driver's licenses because their birth certificate is amended? If they do know they are adopted then will they be held to some ridiculous code of secrecy so that no one else finds out? Will they have to live their lives lying to their friends and families? Is she going to remind them of the charade of wearing a hospital gown, lying in bed acting as if she's recovering from giving birth so they feel guilty about sharing their own personal information?

I really question the mental stability of a woman who will go to this extreme to pretend that she gave birth to these children. How does a person like this qualify to adopt a child in the first place? She actually sounds like one of those people who goes shopping and hides the receipts but these are people, not a new dress that cost more than she'd want to admit to.

Here's another commenter from the same article....

“These were very expensive adoptions. Our children have gone to the best schools and gained admission to fine universities­. Their mothers could not have done well for them, as the poor girls had no impulse control and could not even name the fathers.

Medical History is not needed. I know this as a nurse. I worked for the doctor who delivered all my children and their mothers were healthy.”

Gosh, she paid a lot of money for those children. She should certainly be able to hide not only those receipts but their medical history too - "their mothers were healthy". I was also healthy in 1980. Things can change in 20 to 30 years. As a nurse she doesn't realize this?

I feel for the children of both of these women. What's going to happen to the relationship they have with their adoptive parents when the lies are exposed? Parents like these are not doing what's best for their children. They're not thinking ahead or thinking of their children's needs. There is a part of me that feels sad for these parents. I feel sad for the person who feels so insecure that they have to create a fantasy around their family, spend a lifetime living with lies and in the process potentially harm their adopted children. They don't even realize that they're hurting themselves in addition to the pain they're going to cause their children. So, then I think about their adopted children who will grow up to be adult adoptees with problems created by their parents and I just get pissed off! What makes a person feel they can claim ownership to another human being? I want people like this to shop for a therapist instead of a baby.

The Better Life

The Parasol
Goya
1776-1778

"Maybe a better life in the sense of not being neglected, having a roof over their head, a chance at an education, food in their mouths and clothes on their backs. Or the chance to be raised by someone who is not addicted to drugs. I know this is not the case for all mothers who place their children up for adoption but I would say it is a great amount."

Well, there it is again. I wonder how long it will be before statements like this go away. The question posted by someone on a forum was.... what exactly is this "better life" that everyone talks about when giving their child up for adoption? Now, to be clear - I'm not talking about cases of abuse or neglect - and like I opined earlier, I wonder how many years we will have to clarify everything we say about infant adoption with that statement. We might as well do a copy and paste disclaimer on everything we write.

It would be my guess that the majority of women saying they "placed" their children so their child could have a better life are not the ones abusing drugs and their children. I'd say those children were removed from their mothers for their protection. I'm talking about the mothers who have been convinced that this dream of a better life is reason enough to lose their children. Back in the BSE the better life meant being with parents who were married. That was the main reason given to me and that was in 1979,80. Did those people have prophetic visions? Did they think that adoptive parents never got divorced? No, that had nothing to do with it. There were couples who wanted babies and we had to be punished so it was a win/win for the powers that be and the couple.

I don't know why it never occurs to commenters like the one above that adopters are just as likely to get divorced, use drugs, abuse children, lose their jobs, not be able to afford college and generally have the same problems as the rest of the population. And ladies, if you're pregnant and thinking about adoption, don't let them tell you anything different. There is no alternate universe where adoptive parents live free from the problems of the real world.

Now single people can adopt so the notion of the married couple providing the better life doesn't carry as much weight as it used to. What's the better life now? It's money of course. It just makes sense, look at the consumer society we live in. We judge everything by it's monetary value. We judge each other based on some ridiculous standard of beauty and we spend, spend, spend to make it happen. We must have the most beautiful face, body, house and car. We must have the latest and greatest gadgets and the biggest tv's. If the child is in a bigger house with the newest stuff surely the child will be happier. It makes us happier doesn't it? So it just stands to reason that the child will be happy too. While the child is living the better life the mother can then pursue living her better life. She can follow her dream of having more but is her life really better? Is her child's life really better? She will be missing her child. Her child will be missing her. How is this better? The adoptive parents have it better because they have the child. The agency has it better because they the money.

When I see statements like that commenter made there's so much that runs through my mind. I get angry because it makes assumptions about me and my daughter and it's demeaning to the other natural mothers I know. It reminds me again just how well the happy adoption propaganda works. And it makes me sad that there will be more mothers who will believe this lie of the "better life".

Just thinking, it's my blog - I'm entitled.

We talk a lot about the PAP's and the sense of entitlement to other people's babies that some of them have. They're the ones who drive the demand for infant adoption. In my last post I talked about what adoptees are entitled to. Lately, I've been thinking about mothers and their entitlement. Well, of course they're entitled to raise their own children. That should go without saying. Unfortunately, it seems we do have to remind people of that fact. What's even sadder to me is it seems like we need to remind mothers of that.

Girls and young women are being convinced to let their children go. You know the coercive tactics that are used against them - language, pre-birth matching, etc.... but I wonder sometimes about the ones who absolutely insist that they're handing their babies over to other people to raise because they're just not ready to parent right now. They claim loudly that they have no regrets and how dare anyone suggest otherwise. Is not being quite ready a good enough reason? How are their children going to feel about that when they find out why they were left behind by their mother? Have any of them thought about that? This is once again, more proof that the adoption industry is not about children.

So, when a mother says she's "not ready to parent"(I see this line all the time) what is it she's going to do instead of love and care for her baby - go to school? get a different job or work on the career? take time to play and be young? Well yeah, that all sounds good. Then when she's done getting the degree (the one she got with the scholarship given to her in exchange for her baby) she's left standing there with a diploma framed nicely on the wall and empty arms. Will she think it's worth it then? I have a hard time comprehending anyone who can be comfortable trading their child for a degree. Maybe down the road she'll wake up and realize what she's done. Of course then it's too late, the damage is done.

I remember hearing that it would be selfish to keep my baby, that she would be much better off with other people. This is the line still being used but when I hear women say "I'm not ready to parent", who's needs are they talking about here? They're not talking about the needs of their child. They're talking about what they are ready to do or not ready to do. They're still talking about their own needs, not what's good for that child, which is to be with their own natural family. Oh, they say they're doing it for the sake of the child but then say.... "I'm not ready". There was a time when women got pregnant they spent those months getting ready - physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, whatever she needed to do she did it. Once a baby is born you learn how to deal with motherhood one day at a time. Everyone is nervous about being a parent. It comes with the territory but you learn. There's a part of me that feels so sad for these mothers and knows that they've been worked over by the industry and when they do wake up years down the road, what they've done is going to hit them like a ton of bricks. Then there's the part of me that just wants to shake them and tell them to quit being so damned self-absorbed. Grow up and deal. Think about what this is going to do to your children.

So, here's the industry telling PAP's that they have the right to a child - someone else's child. They encourage that sense of entitlement. Then they're telling the young pregnant woman that she has the right to her freedom unencumbered by the hassle of child rearing. They encourage that sense of entitlement by reminding her of how hard it's going to be, how much she'll struggle and they'll conveniently leave out the info about the resources available to help her keep her child. And.... there sits the agency in the middle feeling very entitled to the cash.

Missing Pieces

I've heard people say recently that they didn't understand why adoptees have a need to find their original family. "They have a family, why do they need to know about the other one?" I don't understand what they don't understand about that.

I look a lot like my mother - and I mean a lot. I've had total strangers come up to me and ask if I'm related to Jo because I'm wearing her face. There was never any question where I got my curly hair from. My youngest daughter knows she has my eyes and my grandmother's nose. My son has my eyes and his father's mouth. These are things we take for granted. There's other beings in the world who when we look at them we see a piece of ourselves looking back.

When I talked to my oldest daughter - the one I found - about this issue she said that she always felt like she had a family, she loves them and they love her too but she felt she wasn't really them. There was always a piece of her missing. This is what the rest of the world, the people who don't live in that skin, don't get. Although I haven't lived her experience I can certainly understand the part about the missing piece. There's absolutely nothing unusual about her experience from what I've read. Adoptees all over the world feel the same way no matter how loving a home they ended up in. They're not only missing a piece of themselves but if they never find their natural family then they never know the true nature of who they are. Physical appearance characteristics aren't the only thing that gets passed down through generations. Seeing my oldest child with her siblings for the first time was proof enough of that. Watching the 2 girls using the same gestures, sitting in matching positions, using their voices the same way, seeing the connection between all of them that was practically instantaneous told me that the biology of family is huge.

And, of course, you have the medical issues. Every time an adoptee goes to the doctor and has to fill out a form for medical history - what do they write down? My daughter didn't know that her grandmother had breast cancer. If I hadn't found her she wouldn't have known that I had endometrial cancer or that there's a history of heart problems in the family. Everyone else has this knowledge to help them and their doctors figure out how to heal them or just keep them healthy. Everyone else knows if there's a genetic predisposition to certain diseases and from there can decide whether or not to have children of their own. They know what they might have a chance of passing down to their offspring. Why can't adoptees have this information too? Even the basic paperwork of who they are in the eyes of the state they live in is hidden from adoptees. No original birth certificates for them - only the fake ones. It's just too much. It's too much that they're missing. It's not fair to them.

From my place in the picture I saw what I was missing and it was agony. It was the only thing I could focus on because the pain was so big. Since it's been almost 9 years since finding my daughter I've been able to learn more about what she's been missing by listening to her and reading what other adoptees have written. As mothers we want what's best for our children. If adoption is going to be about the children (notice I said "going to be" since it's really about $ at this point and I can hope can't I?) then I think natural mothers owe it to their children to meet them, give them not only the medical history they need but also the answers they need no matter what the questions are. I don't care who searches for who, the adoptees deserve answers. Our kids didn't sign up for this.

When I was ready to start on the next painting in the series I remembered that I had some of my daughter's pictures from her childhood. The photo I used for a reference really struck me because of the large empty space behind her and that's when it hit me to leave her face an empty space also. For our kids there's too many missing pieces.

Pain Wars

My pain is greater than your pain. I see a lot of this kind of thing going on in the adoption world. I just read another great post from Declassified Adoptee about adoptees supposedly not understanding the pain of infertile couples. Like Amanda said, adoptees live in the real world too and have the same issues that everyone else deals with. The same can be said for us first mothers. Many, many first mothers deal with infertility later on after losing their children. That child they lost to adoption may have been the only child they will ever have. They certainly know what that pain is like.

I understand what the pain of wanting a child is like. I lived with that pain for 22 years before I found my daughter. I had 2 more children after the adoption but that doesn't lessen the pain of losing the first one. Children born later are not replacements for the first. They are beings in their own right, separate from the first. The longing for the first one doesn't go away. This is what I want to say to people who say that we, as first mothers, don't understand the pain of yearning for a child. I think people who say such things haven't really thought that through. Unfortunately I know it all too well.

People on all sides of this issue have a tendency to live in their own little bubble of self-interest. I think we all behave that way at times, not wanting to hear what the other side has to say. We all want validation of what we've been through and there's nothing wrong with that but we also have to listen to other people's stories. Not all adoptive parents are demanding, greedy and filled with a sense of entitlement to other women's babies. Not all first mother's are drug addicted whores that can't be bothered to clean up their act for the sake of their children. Not all adoptees are angry with first mothers. You know that the big business beast known as the adoption industry is just eating it up. It probably loves to see the animosity between the 3 sides of this triangle. We end up playing this game of "I went through worse stuff than you went through" and then end up bickering with each other.

What is the point of that? Shouldn't we be focused on the children and what's good for them? While there's all these little battles going on out there in the field, there's the industry and it's weapons of manipulation taking more and more prisoners. Those of us affected by adoption all have pain in one way or another. In order to make people aware of what the industry does we have to talk about that pain and show them what the tools are that the industry is using. Maybe I'm dreaming, but wouldn't it be nice if instead of bludgeoning each other with our pain and complaining about how we don't understand each other, we could work together and use it to change the source of the pain?

Peace