What Remains

What Remains

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Standing at the edge,

treading lightly,

casting what's left of myself.

Who I was is gone.

This is what remains.

Bought and sold,

before and after.

Thoughts move from light into shadow.

One event, one moment,

became 2 lifetimes changed.

Holding thoughts of her, 

protected in the small dark place,

time moves in and out of the light.

With her,

in the sun,

who would we have been?

I don't need Oxygen

Well, I've been gone a while. Lots happening since I posted last. Rhode Island became the 7th state to unseal adoptee birth records. Congrats to them! Now there's only 43 states to go. I'm making some more progress on the Silent Voices painting series. I'll post the newest one soon. I flew to Ohio to spend a week with my daughter and 3 grandsons. It was a huge relief to see her and the boys. Three years is far too long to go without seeing them. Hopefully the next trip won't be so far away.


Then of course there's the new Oxygen TV show "I'm Having Their Baby". This show follows young pregnant women as they go through the coercion process of adoption agencies. Of course it's being described as showing us the process from the mothers point of view. She will be painted as being brave and selfless in the face of this very difficult "decision" while the young mother doesn't realize how she's being manipulated. I can't remember the last time I was so disgusted by a program. This is Oxygen's lame attempt at justifying the show. They're trying to say that - see? women love adoption. Who did they ask? Who was surveyed? It certainly wasn't anyone who knows anything about adoption. It certainly wasn't anyone who has lived it from the mother's or adoptee's perspective. If you just pick up a phone and make random calls to names on a list, they're going to repeat the same garbage that's been taught to them over the years from the big business propaganda machine. So, read their survey. Be sure to read the comments and add your own. Here is the Facebook page for the show. You can comment there also. If you're interested in doing more to let Oxygen know your thoughts on this show, join us on The OFFICIAL Mothers and Adoptees Boycotting Oxygen's "I'm Having Their Baby" Facebook page. Below is the email I sent to a director of Oxygen Media who is involved with this project.


Hello Ms. McIntosh,

This is the comment I left on the Facebook page for the show "I'm Having Their Baby".

A mother and her baby being separated is a trauma and a tragedy, NOT entertainment. These women are not only being exploited for their infants, they're also being exploited for ratings! People are willing to spend money to make a show so everyone can watch a woman being coerced into surrendering her child and grieving her loss. Where are the people willing to help these mothers with the support they need in order to keep and raise their own children? Adoption in this country has sunk to a new low. Disgusting! 

Let me tell you why I left the above comment. I am a mother of adoption loss. I lost my daughter to adoption in 1980. Although 1980 was not considered to be during the Baby Scoop Era (google it if you're not familiar with it) of adoption which occurred between 1945 and 1973, I was still treated as though it was. I was sent away to live in another town, my files were coded BFA - meaning "baby for adoption". When a mother has that code on her file it means that the hospital staff is alerted to not allow the mother to see, hold, or be with her baby at all. I was told nothing about my own child, not even the sex of the baby I had just given birth to. The minute she was born she was wrapped in a blanket and taken out of the room. The only memory I had of her was the sound of her cry. Adoption at this time was filled with lies, secrecy and shame. It was a completely closed adoption meaning I was not allowed to know anything about my own child. For 22 years I didn't know if my child was alive or dead. Some people liken the loss of adoption to a death. I liken it more to a kidnapping. You know your child is out there somewhere but you know nothing about her life. Is she ok, is she being treated well, is she sick? The questions go on and on. The pain goes on and on. You were simply a vessel for the child and your motherhood was erased. Living day to day with that reality is horrific.

I always knew I would search for my daughter. Ten years ago I found her. I also found that her adoptive parents divorced when she was only 3 years old. After the divorce her adoptive mother never remarried. She was raised by a single mother - something that I was told wasn't good for my child. I lost my daughter because I was single and pregnant yet no one suggested that a divorced mother raising a child alone should surrender that child for adoption. Why is it ok for a divorced single mother to raise a child but not a single mother who never married? One year after losing my daughter I got married. I've been married to the same man for 31 years and had 2 more children. If my daughter had been able to stay with me she would have been raised with her own mother, a father and her 2 siblings - an intact family. She didn't end up having a better life, she just had a different one. There are no guarantees. Adopting couples have the same problems as other people. They're not saviors. They get divorced, they have drug problems, they lose jobs, they lose homes, things happen.

This brings me to the next point. You're probably thinking that adoption has changed since then. Now there's open adoption and women have more choices. It may appear to be so. Open adoption sounds good. It looks good, but is it? Did you know that open adoption is not legally enforceable? Did you know that the adoptive parents have all the power? Did you know that 80% of open adoptions close within the first 2 years? An adopting couple can disappear with a mother's child and there's nothing she can do about it. She could try and fight through the legal system but that costs a lot of money and the chances of success are minimal. If she had that kind of money, would she have lost her child to adoption in the first place? Usually adoption happens because of 2 things - marital status and financial situation. Both of these are temporary situations and adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Since the time period of the Baby Scoop Era the rate of babies surrendered for adoption dropped dramatically. Because of that the adoption industry had to find a way to encourage more young, vulnerable mothers to surrender their children. Adoption is a multi-billion dollar a year industry. There is a lot of money to be made on babies. It's a supply and demand business. In order to fulfill the demand they had to convince pregnant women that they're unfit to raise their own children. This is done in very subtle coercive ways. The coercion of pregnant women happens this way....

1. Using the term "birthmother" for a woman who is pregnant sets her up psychologically to separate her from her infant. It puts her in the position of being simply a vessel carrying someone else's child. She is an expectant mother, not a "birthmother".

2. An adoption agency providing counseling for a pregnant woman is unethical. It's a conflict of interest. They are paid by the people who will benefit monetarily from the surrender of that baby.

3. An adoption agency providing legal counsel for a pregnant woman is unethical. See above for reason.

4. When you title a TV show "I'm having their baby" it's coercive. As long as she is pregnant and until she signs the document surrendering her rights, she is the mother of that child. It's HER baby, not theirs.

5. Matching a pregnant woman with a prospective adoptive couple is coercive. It puts her in the position of feeling indebted to the couple who has spent many hours and dollars preparing "birthmother" letters (aka... slick advertising brochures portraying them as superior to her as parents for the baby), preparing for bringing home a child, bonding with the mother, etc. The more she bonds with the adopting couple the less chance there is of her changing her mind and deciding to parent her own baby. This is also why mothers like me were kept from our babies when they were born. The agencies knew that if mothers spent time with their babies they were less likely to surrender.

6. Adoption agencies have a lobbying group working on their behalf - NCFA, National Council for Adoption. They have been instrumental in keeping adoptees from accessing their own birth records. It is every person's right to have access to their own personal records. The NCFA hides behind the skirts of women like me to deny adoptees what is rightfully theirs. They claim that we as mothers were promised anonymity and privacy in the closed adoption era. This is a lie! Closed records were closed to protect the adoptive parents. We were never promised this. We were told not to try for contact because we would cause damage to our children. Of course we didn't want to do that so we waited...... Over 95% of mothers want to be contacted by their children.

7. Did you know that we have stricter laws governing the separation of puppies and kittens from their mothers than we do humans? It's against the law to take a puppy or kitten from it's mother before the age of 6 to 8 weeks because it's in the best interest of the puppy or kitten to stay with it's mother, yet it's ok for a human baby to be taken from it's mother at birth. An adoption consent can be signed in some states within 48 hours of birth, while the mother is still dealing with drugs in her system and while she is still dealing with post-partum hormone changes.

Coercion takes many forms. Unfortunately I feel that your show contributes to the coercion of young, vulnerable, pregnant women. It's incredibly sad to me that our country finds entertainment in the separation of mothers and babies. Adoption is damaging to not only the mother who loses a child, but also to the child who loses her natural family. You may think that you're showing the world what a difficult decision adoption is for the mother but what you're really doing is contributing to the coercion of that mother and contributing to the damage done to the child. Adoption is not a one time event. It's a life sentence for both mother and child. The only real winners in this scenario are the adoptive parents who get the coveted baby and the agency who makes the money.

Sincerely,

Carlynne

Did you know......

that there are laws governing the age at which a kitten or puppy can be adopted? The below info was taken from the Animal Legal & Historical Center. 

“How old must a puppy be prior to being offered for sale?”

"The answer to this question, like just about any question in law, depends on where you live.  Approximately eighteen states have laws or administrative regulations that dictate how old a puppy must be before it is offered for sale or adopted out to an owner.  Of those states with laws, all but one require that a puppy be at least eight weeks old before being offered for sale (See Pennsylvania and Nebraska, for example).  Virginia mandates that a puppy be at least seven weeks old. Other states focus on the separation of the puppy or kitten from its mother in addition to specifying a minimum age. Nevada's  recently amended law provides that a  retailer, dealer, or operator shall not separate a dog or cat from its mother until it is 8 weeks of age "or accustomed to taking food or nourishment other than by nursing., whichever is later." [emphasis added]. Likewise,  Illinois also phrases its law with the idea that a puppy or kitten shall not be "separated from its mother" until the puppy or kitten has attained the age of 8 weeks." 

"What happens in those states without such laws?  This answer is less than clear.  Certainly a retailer who sells a puppy not yet weaned from his or her mother and able to eat on his or her own is not acting in the best interests of the puppy.  Should the puppy then die or suffer inhumanely, despite the best efforts of the pet purchaser, the retailer could conceivably face animal cruelty charges.  Moreover, in those states that have enacted pet purchaser protection laws (click here for those states), a possible claim that the merchant violated an implied warranty could be raised.  Without a definitive law, the best action by a purchaser is to research the breed he or she wishes to purchase or talk to a veterinarian."


This is the law in my state of FL - 4) A person may not transport into the state for sale or offer for sale within the state any dog or cat that is less than 8 weeks of age.


This is the law in my state of FL regarding infants and adoption - (b) A consent to the adoption of a minor who is to be placed for adoption may be executed by the birth mother 48 hours after the minor’s birth or the day the birth mother is notified in writing, either on her patient chart or in release paperwork, that she is fit to be released from the licensed hospital or birth center, whichever is earlier. A consent by any man may be executed at any time after the birth of the child. The consent is valid upon execution and may be withdrawn only if the court finds that it was obtained by fraud or duress.
(c) If the minor to be adopted is older than 6 months of age at the time of the execution of the consent, the consent to adoption is valid upon execution; however, it is subject to a revocation period of 3 business days.

Clearly something is wrong here. It's in the best interest of puppies and kittens to remain with their mothers for at least 7 or 8 weeks yet a baby can be bought when he's only 2 days old. It's not only ok, but the law is definitely on the side of the brokers and adopters because when a mother signs that consent while she's still in the hospital, it's rock solid. There's no going back. There is no revocation period for the mother unless the child is older than 6 months of age and even then it's only 3 days.


This is a great set up. Get the PAPs together with a young, impressionable pregnant woman, have them bond with her, spend time with her, be there for her, have them calling her "their birthmother". Then, when it comes time for little one to be born, have the PAPs be there while she's in labor and even go into delivery with her. Some even cut the cord! If a mother can sign a consent in 2 days it's certainly good for the brokers to have  lobbyists like the NCFA working for them to make sure legislation doesn't give a mother any leeway. They want their clients to be able to take the baby home and rest easy that they won't be bothered by some pesky, grieving mother. According to their own website, NCFA is a strong advocate for federal and state policies that advance a culture of adoption throughout the United States and world. Under "Birthparent Issues" they say....


"There are currently a number of bills before Congress that address issues affecting birthparents. Both birthmothers and birthfathers often face many challenges, before and after placing a child for adoption. Some of the challenges birthparents face include resistance to adoption from family and friends, feelings of grief and loss, and misinformation about adoption. Many people still misunderstand or even stigmatize birthparents,
despite the loving, difficult choice they make in order to ensure the well-being of their children."


Their purpose is to advance a culture of adoption, not work in the best interests of infants. Can you imagine if they actually advocated for legislation that would help mothers and babies stay together for at least 8 weeks ensuring that the mother is making a fully informed decision? They even say they're concerned about the "challenge" of a mother's family being resistant to the idea of adoption. Of course they're concerned about it. Why would they want a family to stick together and help each other out when instead the brokers can make a bundle on that little bundle. The NCFA has dues to collect from those agencies. How many babies would actually be adopted if there were a law similar to the one for dogs and cats which stated that a mother and baby could not be separated for the child's first 8 weeks of life? My guess is damned few.

Is there enough rubble yet?

This picture reminds me of adoption. So many thousands of us suffered damage and so many more continue to suffer from past separations or current adoptions. A mother and child are separated at the baby's birth. The damage is done. Like a crash to the floor, this one act happens and the history of both mother and child is drastically and forever altered. And this act is no accident, it's well orchestrated by the powers that be, by society's attitudes, by churches, by agencies and by social workers.

For 40 weeks mother and baby were one being, connected physically and emotionally. The baby learned the voice of her mother, the heartbeat of her mother, the laugh of her mother, the rhythm of her mother. For 40 weeks the mother felt her baby inside her, felt her kick, felt her move, felt her bounce when she had the hiccups, felt her turn around, felt the love she has for her baby. Then, the manipulated mother goes through the motions and the system, believing what she's told and doing what she's told is best.

Some people believe that mothers are interchangeable and that an adoption happening at or soon after the baby's birth means that the child won't know the difference. Some believe that the mother can just go on with her career, new life and have more children. The adopted baby - as if born to the adopters. The mother - as if never given birth. Some think this is a win/win/win situation - what's to complain about? The damage done is what there is to complain about. Infant adoption is really a win/win/lose/lose situation. The two winners are the brokers and the adopters. The brokers make the money and the adopters get the coveted baby. The baby and the mother are the losers in the scenario. 

The winners don't want to hear the complaints from the losing side. How can they preserve the winning strategy for future brokers and adopters if they actually listen to what the losers have to say? If they listened and listened sincerely, they might be expected to do something about it. Adoptees aren't supposed to complain. Gratitude is expected of them. Damage? What damage? You would have ended up in foster care anyway. Did you want to end up in a dumpster? Look at the great life you got. Aren't you concerned about your adoptive parents feelings? Why would you want to search for your family, you have a family. Mothers aren't supposed to complain either. We weren't even allowed to grieve the loss of our babies. Just move along. Get a life. Get a job. Get a new family. Forget all about it. Now, even if the mother can see her child occasionally, she'd better tow the line. Don't be intrusive, don't nag for pictures, don't have any say in what happens to your child, just suck it up if the adopters change their minds about visits. He's not your child anymore, remember? Don't be a pest and the adoption won't close. No recourse for you.

This is what damage means. It means trauma, loss and heartbreak. It means hiding how you feel. It means pretending and lying. It means living a facade. It means doing whatever it takes to have contact with your child. It means secrets. It means doing whatever it takes to have contact with your natural parents and not hurting your adopters in the process. It means searching. It means grieving for decades. It means not knowing who you really are. It means years of birthdays and wondering. It means no medical history. It means loss of self and civil rights. For me, there was my life before the pregnancy and my life afterwards. The experience of losing my child was not just a matter of suffering damage, it was nearly a fatal blow. I'm not the same person I was before I lost my daughter and never will be again. That girl is gone.

The damage done is permanent. In order to survive I had to fill the cracks. Some were filled with the wall I built between me and my family. Although some healing has happened in the last 3 decades, I don't think the wall can ever come down completely. It's still needed in places to hold me together. Other breaks were filled with the family I created. My love for my husband and the 2 children I had with him cemented in me a will to keep going. Painting and love of art was the soft filler that let me expand and contract with whatever emotional state I was in at the time. The memory of my daughter's cry in the delivery room - the only sensory connection I was allowed with her - filled me with determination to find her.

It's hard for me to find beauty in this kind of history but I did find gold when I found my daughter and my 3 children were finally together. I know I'm stronger now. I have my voice and my power back but after being this broken, the repair work is an ongoing project. The pieces are everywhere, the fallout extreme. Selfishness and greed keep the aftermath of adoption invisible. How high will the rubble have to be before it's seen?

Trigger is more than a horse.....

As a child growing up I would hear the word Trigger and I would think of the horse that Roy Rogers rode.

I had no idea that the word would have such a different meaning for me now. Earlier today I watched The Good-bye Room. It was an episode of Cold Case and it was first aired 5 years ago. In this show a case re-opened where a 17 year old girl was murdered just one day after giving birth to her baby girl in a home for unwed mothers. I sobbed through a good portion of the show. It was hugely triggering for me.

My situation wasn't exactly like the girl in the show but it was close enough. Yep, I got sent away like the character on the show.  Yes, it was through Catholic Social Services like the characters on the show. Yes, I labored alone like the character on the show. Yes, it was devastating like the characters on the show. No, I didn't murder anyone like the character on the show but my reaction to the show definitely shows how strong the emotional pull can be when it comes to adoption.

I've been thinking about this because my family has been planning a reunion for the summer of 2013 and today is the deadline for getting the deposit in for the location. Normally, that would be great. My problem lies in the fact that some of the family (the main ones planning this event) are adopters and some other family members think that I'm full of crap when I talk about how I feel about adoption. Those were their words, not mine. My opinion of adoption is according the them.... "total crap". 

Now when it comes to this issue some people are saying... "don't let this be the one thing that keeps you from going to the reunion." or "you might feel that way now, but you may feel differently a year from now."

Ok, fine. Maybe I'll feel differently later but, honestly, right now, I just can't see dealing with it. I recently read a blog post by Myst on with the show and I really connected with the last paragraph of the post... 

"If you are looking to adopt, please re-examine why and ask yourself if you would rather build up a family than tear one down. If you are hurting from infertility, I am very, very sorry for your loss. Truly I am. But I urge you to ask yourself why would you want another woman to suffer because you have? You may be able to relate to the words of this song as well however please do not be responsible for making these words someone else's reality. It is not our responsibility. We did not cause anyone's infertility so please do not create a mother of loss. It is a circle that will only ever bring pain and heartbreak in the long run."

It is a huge trigger when you see photos of a child that has been adopted at birth and taken from her family of origin. Every time I see a photo of that child, all I can think of is the mother of that child and what she must be going through. Yes, I know, there will be people who say that maybe that mother really didn't want her child. I know. BUT.... knowing what I know about the adoption industry and it's methods of coercion, how do I know that the mother of that child is not suffering like I've suffered. How do I know she wasn't coerced out of her baby girl like I was. How do I know that this sweet little girl isn't going to grow up with the pain of an adoptee wondering who she is and where she came from. Yeah, I could take the positive road and say that it wasn't coercion that brought that child to my family members but do I really believe it? No. I've learned too much about the industry. I can no longer live with the "head in the sand" approach to adoption. 

Some of the people encouraging me to go to the reunion really mean well and I appreciate that but they have no idea just how deep and how hard this issue is for me. For a while, I thought, maybe I'm over reacting, but after viewing that episode of Cold Case I realize, no, I'm not. There really are things that are extreme triggers to emotional events. Seeing my family members and their cavalier attitudes towards adoption, even though they know my history with it, is very triggering and very difficult to deal with. Do I want to spend a vacation dealing with that? 

No. That's how I'm feeling right now so any decision regarding a family reunion will just have to wait - deadline or no deadline.

Sharing

I wanted to share an excellent post by a reunited Korean person. In it she answers the question  -

"Why are people who state truths radicals or whiners? Why is it radical to say that parents should raise their own children, and children should remain in their families? Why is it whining to demand that our human rights be maintained?" – Kris Pak


I especially related to the last paragraph of the post....

"Now that I have educated myself about adoption for the past 2 years, when I see an adopted child somewhere, instead of thinking isn’t that beautiful, I am deeply saddened. I don’t have to know the circumstances of what and why, but I see the birth parents that are invisible to everyone else in society. The parents may be good, no good, or there may be complicated and extenuating circumstances, but the loss is about the CHILD- and that loss is real."

An interview

An interview with Peter Dodds on international adoption and the harm it can do.