Myths, Opinions and Facts

Settling back into the day to day routine after the Atlanta trip meant getting back to work, visiting the kids and grandkids and spending time with hubby. It was a very short trip but it was long emotionally. It was all good until about 2 days after getting home and it hit me. A lot of us deal with this kind of thing. You get really immersed in the adoption topic for a while - whether reading about it, writing about it or talking about it and then you hit a wall and have to take a break. It was kind of like that for me because the trip was not only about our right to our birth records but about meeting people I had come to love and admire but only met online AND it was about meeting with someone I hadn't seen in 34 years. He happens to live near Atlanta where the demonstration was held. Having a reunion with the one person who was there for me during the pregnancy with the child I lost was intense, to say the least. I wrote about him here.  It was a wonderful experience. I loved being there and meeting everyone. I loved being able to participate in such an important event and I'm so awed by the strong women and men who make it happen. I loved seeing my dear friend and having a little time with him. It was all great but I was also reliving some hard times. Dealing with the emotional aftermath is just something that gets done. What do I do when it's meltdown time? I throw paint. This is my therapy canvas.

Nope, not much to look at but sure feels good to slap the brush on the canvas and drip paint and then sand back the layers while releasing layers of tension and grief. This is actually just a small portion of the painting. The canvas is 4 feet square so it felt good to work big and get physical. It's very therapeutic. I'll probably set it aside now and bring it back out when I need another release. Who knows where it'll end up or what it'll look like. 

Another thing that came up while I was in Atlanta was the feeling that I was finally hanging out with people who understood. That doesn't happen often. It's rare to be in the physical company of other mothers who lost children to adoption. I've probably been around many of them over the years but didn't know it. Being with those other moms was healing and needed.

Do you ever feel - even within your own family - that no one gets it?

I guess what I don't understand is why so many can't even come close to feeling empathy or compassion. When we see someone we care about lose a child to disease or an accident, as a parent, we can feel for them. We may not have been through the same thing but we can imagine how horrible and painful that would be. Why are people so surprised then that mothers who lose a child to adoption also feel tremendous pain and grief? Because they've been conditioned by the adoption industry to believe that we all made this "loving" choice. They've bought into the idea that it's a wonderful thing to surrender your child. They've bought into the consumer culture that says money is everything.

Money trumps a mother's love.

They're conditioned to think - 

Birthmothers are so brave and selfless.

She'll go on with her life, get married and have more children.

It will hurt for a while but she'll find joy in knowing that her child is cared for in a forever family.

Adoption is a win/win.

All those babies are going to end up in foster care anyway.

Wait a minute.... if she's so brave and selfless and it's a loving thing to do to relinquish her baby then why is it that her baby would have ended up in foster care anyway? Some people hold both of these ideas in their heads. How can that be? She loves her baby enough to give him away but she doesn't love him enough to take care of him? She gave him away because she loves him but if she kept him she would have neglected or abused him?

When it comes to adoption, the list of myths and lies is long. Myths, opinions and facts. It's funny how those get confused. Myths are heard or read. They are shared by people online. They're told to the very women who are in need of help and need to know the facts about adoption. Myths become absorbed into our psyche to eventually turn into opinions and then the facts end up lost somewhere, left behind and forgotten, replaced by the lies. Just yesterday someone said to me that everything turned out fine after all since I'm now in reunion with my daughter. It was said in a way that meant - you're fine now, nothing to complain about. Another myth. Of course it's great that we're together and have a good relationship and yes, that certainly helps with healing a lot of the wounds but no way does it minimize what happened. It doesn't bring back 22 lost years. It doesn't give me her childhood. It doesn't give her a history of life experiences shared with her mother, brother and sister. Not having that history means it's not the same as if she were raised with us. It's a different kind of relationship. It will never be "as if". Just like her relationship with her adoptive family will  never be "as if" she were born to them.

Not so long ago I was told that I shouldn't let "petty" differences of opinion come between me and other people in my life. When an adoptive parent says that to a mother who lost a child to adoption and the difference of opinion is actually about adoption, the word "petty" isn't so petty. When you share facts about adoption and what you get back are myths and lies, it's not just a difference of opinion, it's a huge disconnect. Petty is defined as something of little importance. It's trivial. It's something that should be of little concern. The fact that these myths and lies continue is a monstrous concern to me. Nothing petty about it. When an adoptive parent says to me that these differences are petty it says that her concerns are above all others. It says that my concerns are insignificant, trifling in relation to hers. Is this a matter of opinion? Yes. She looks at things through a certain filter just as I look through my own filter. The difference is.... what she knows about adoption is skewed through the lens that the adoption agency put in front of her. What she thinks are facts are actually lies. What I know about adoption comes from personal experience and researching the facts.

To her it's all a win/win/win/win

 agency makes money/infertile gets baby/mother moves on with her life/baby rescued.

To me it's win/win/lose/lose

 agency makes money/infertile gets baby/mother loses child/child loses entire family and identity is legally erased.

Don't dare tell me it's "petty".

After the fact, the agency is gone. They don't care about anything but the bottom line. The other winning party doesn't want to hear from the 2 parties that lose. They don't want to hear about the lifelong grief of the mother or the identity/medical history/birth record/genetic info/family loss of the child. If they really did hear it and absorb what it all meant, it would no longer be petty. They could no longer ignore the issues because the pain would be too great. Acknowledging the trauma involved in the creation of the adoptive family would put quite the damper on the joy that adoption brought to them. It's much easier to dismiss us as just having a petty difference of opinion. When sharing factual information with people who don't want to know the truth it gets twisted into a difference of opinion. When that's all it is, it's set aside as unimportant. Just as people who have differing political or religious views - it's easier to not talk about it. Maybe for politics and religion it works but for adoption it ends up allowing the myths and lies to continue and the list to get longer. 

This is not a matter of opinion - 

Coercion still happens. Read about it here and here

Infant adoption is a multi-billion dollar industry. Read about it here

Original birth certificates are court sealed resulting in discrimination against adoptees. Read more here

Children are sold every day. Read about it here

There are price lists for babies (AKA adoption situations) on adoption agency websites. Read about it here

Baby brokers have their own lobbying group in Washington - the National Council for Adoption. They have a training program to teach agencies how to counsel pregnant women out of their babies.

so don't dismiss what the two losing parties in adoption have to say because we're getting louder.

I  hope more people open their minds and hearts and realize that we're trying to make things better. I'm so grateful for the other moms and adoptees who share their stories. We need each other.

The Walking Wombs

A stone faced counselor sits next to a sobbing young mother who had just given birth less than 48 hours earlier. The counselor is holding the paperwork that will forever legally sever this mother's connection to her baby. As the mother is crying the counselor says "Are you feeling a little bit emotional about your adoption plan?" A little bit emotional?! At this point I wanted to throw my laptop through the picture window in my living room. Thankfully I kept my wits about me since I don't have the cash to replace either one right now. Yes, I made myself watch that horrendous show I'm Having Their Baby. I saw it online before it actually aired on TV. I had to pause it periodically so I could calm down. Of course as I'm watching it I'm asking myself why I'm putting myself through this. I did it so I could know exactly how the adoption process was being presented by them. Did you know that those xxxxxmother letters are now books? The industry has really ramped up the advertising/marketing end of things. POD sites must be making a bundle.

Maybe we could look at it this way - let's say that it's a good thing this show was made. You say WHAT?! I know... but maybe it actually gives us some ammunition we need to fight infant adoption. They're just blatant about the coercion of the agency, laying it right out there for all to see. The problem of course is that not many people seem to recognize the coercion for what it is. And the other problem is that the show itself is contributing to the coercion. No, I haven't lost my mind. I do not believe this show is a good thing and I'm still working on the boycott of it. I'm just thinking of ways to use it against the industry. Considering that "Bethany" was on every agency door that the women walked through, it wouldn't surprise me if the whole idea for the show came from them and the NCFA.

What I find the most astounding about watching the show is the cold, hardheartedness of the agency workers. They were very careful not to refer to these women's children as babies. They were simply adoption plans. There was no caring, no sympathy. I know it's their job to get the baby from the mother but I don't understand how a woman could be so cold to another woman who is grieving so deeply. When the other mother on the show told her counselor that she was no longer comfortable with the PAPs she chose, the counselor said she was going to have to figure out how to handle things since she didn't want the couple to "go through the heartache of losing a child".  Wow! That was another "pause it and calm down moment". To say that to a woman who is about to lose the child she just gave birth to is nothing short of monstrous. All the sympathy is for the adopting couple while the mother is treated as nothing more than a walking womb.

At the end of the show when one of the mothers tells the agency worker that she's keeping her baby (HOORAY!) you can see the change in the workers face. The sale fell through so have a nice life and out the door. It was time for her to quickly make the next coercion appointment to keep the bucks coming in.

I don't think I can stomach another episode.

Yes, I know.... it's about $$$$$$$

From the NCFA's website....

"The William E. Simon Foundation awarded NCFA a $50,000 outright gift for the iChooseAdoption public awareness campaign, as well as a $50,000 challenge grant.  The grant funds will be used to support NCFA's 2012-2013 iChooseAdoption project, which aims to reach young women facing unintended pregnancy with the positive option of adoption.  We launched The Hope Challenge fundraising campaign in July with the goal of raising $50,000 by April 2013."

From the William E. Simon Foundation website.....

"The Foundation supports organizations and programs that help people to help themselves, have a proven track record of success, have a broad base of funders and local support, and spend a low percentage of their budget on administrative and fundraising expenses."


"In recognition of the fact that children need protection, nurturing, discipline, and positive examples from adults, the Foundation seeks to support organizations that help strengthen families, or that bring other caring and consistent adults into the lives of disadvantaged children. This includes, but is not limited to, programs to foster positive parenting skills, mentoring programs, and research on the best ideas for strengthening families."
So what is the iChooseAdoption awareness campaign that the William E. Simon Foundation so generously awarded $50,000? It's where they tell young expecting moms this....


"What is adoption?
Adoption is the legal process by which parental rights and responsibilities are transferred from one parent or set of parent(s) to another, ensuring that a child has the benefits of a permanent, stable, and loving adoptive family."  
This means that she will view herself as unworthy of raising her own child. She is very subtly told that the only way her child will have the benefits of stability and permanence is through adoption.

"Is adoption the same as giving away my baby?
No, adoption provides you with the opportunity to make a plan for your child's future. It can be a loving, selfless choice you make in order to give your baby all the security and benefits of a permanent family."
In other words, if you love your baby you will be selfless and give her to someone else who may, or may not, be a permanent family. Remember, adopters get divorced too.


"How can I be certain that my child’s adoptive parents will take good care of her?
Parents who pursue infant adoption are required to meet with an adoption agency representative, social worker, or other approved agent and complete a number of requirements, including a homestudy, to guarantee that they are emotionally and financially ready to parent. Prospective adoptive parents have to meet all criteria set by their home state as well as the agency in order to adopt. Also, if you choose an open adoption with contact between birthparents and the adoptive family, then you will be able to receive updates, pictures, and letters from the adoptive parents as your son or daughter grows up."
Of course they leave out the part about the adopters who do abuse the children they adopt. Of course it happens in original families also and of course not all adopters are abusers. But.... there are no guarantees. And, if you choose open adoption there are no guarantees that you will continue to receive updates, pictures and letters from the adoptive parents. You have no control or power in this regard. It's all up the adopters. They decide if or when they shut you out completely and legally there is nothing you can do about it.

"Who will help me if I choose adoption for my baby?
Birthmothers in the U.S. typically place their children through an adoption agency or a private adoption attorney. If you want to work with a licensed agency, it is important to do your research to find the agency that fits your unique needs if you are considering adoption for your baby. When working with an agency, you are guaranteed a high standard of professional care and counseling. The best agencies are staffed with sympathetic, ethical professionals who bring years of expertise to adoption counseling. Adoption agencies can offer support services and counseling both before and after the adoption takes place, as well as financial support or referrals for additional resources. Many adoption agencies will provide birthmothers with a written contract, detailing the agency’s responsibilities and promises to the birthmother both during and following the adoption process."
"The best agencies are staffed with sympathetic, ethical professionals who bring years of expertise to adoption counseling." I couldn't resist. I had to repeat that line. Yes, they bring years of expertise in the art of coercion. If the agency employs the counselors and the agency is the party that stands to gain from the results of the counseling, is that ethical? They call them sympathetic, ethical professionals. How sympathetic and ethical can they be if their paycheck comes from the people who stand to gain from the sale of a baby?

So, you get the idea about NCFA. Now what about the William E. Simon Foundation? They said they support programs that help people help themselves. Sometimes they do. This is one of the organizations that the foundation has helped and it's certainly worthy of attention and funding. If they really want to strengthen families, why then isn't the foundation helping women and babies stay together rather than funding a group that advocates for the separation of mothers and babies? If they really want to help people help themselves then why don't they give their dollars to organizations that help young single women with child care, education, parenting skills and job skills. Babies belong with their mothers. It's plain and simple. Why is it so hard for this society to understand? Yes, I know...... the almighty dollar. There's too much profit to made from the sale of babies.

Did you know......

that there are laws governing the age at which a kitten or puppy can be adopted? The below info was taken from the Animal Legal & Historical Center. 

“How old must a puppy be prior to being offered for sale?”

"The answer to this question, like just about any question in law, depends on where you live.  Approximately eighteen states have laws or administrative regulations that dictate how old a puppy must be before it is offered for sale or adopted out to an owner.  Of those states with laws, all but one require that a puppy be at least eight weeks old before being offered for sale (See Pennsylvania and Nebraska, for example).  Virginia mandates that a puppy be at least seven weeks old. Other states focus on the separation of the puppy or kitten from its mother in addition to specifying a minimum age. Nevada's  recently amended law provides that a  retailer, dealer, or operator shall not separate a dog or cat from its mother until it is 8 weeks of age "or accustomed to taking food or nourishment other than by nursing., whichever is later." [emphasis added]. Likewise,  Illinois also phrases its law with the idea that a puppy or kitten shall not be "separated from its mother" until the puppy or kitten has attained the age of 8 weeks." 

"What happens in those states without such laws?  This answer is less than clear.  Certainly a retailer who sells a puppy not yet weaned from his or her mother and able to eat on his or her own is not acting in the best interests of the puppy.  Should the puppy then die or suffer inhumanely, despite the best efforts of the pet purchaser, the retailer could conceivably face animal cruelty charges.  Moreover, in those states that have enacted pet purchaser protection laws (click here for those states), a possible claim that the merchant violated an implied warranty could be raised.  Without a definitive law, the best action by a purchaser is to research the breed he or she wishes to purchase or talk to a veterinarian."


This is the law in my state of FL - 4) A person may not transport into the state for sale or offer for sale within the state any dog or cat that is less than 8 weeks of age.


This is the law in my state of FL regarding infants and adoption - (b) A consent to the adoption of a minor who is to be placed for adoption may be executed by the birth mother 48 hours after the minor’s birth or the day the birth mother is notified in writing, either on her patient chart or in release paperwork, that she is fit to be released from the licensed hospital or birth center, whichever is earlier. A consent by any man may be executed at any time after the birth of the child. The consent is valid upon execution and may be withdrawn only if the court finds that it was obtained by fraud or duress.
(c) If the minor to be adopted is older than 6 months of age at the time of the execution of the consent, the consent to adoption is valid upon execution; however, it is subject to a revocation period of 3 business days.

Clearly something is wrong here. It's in the best interest of puppies and kittens to remain with their mothers for at least 7 or 8 weeks yet a baby can be bought when he's only 2 days old. It's not only ok, but the law is definitely on the side of the brokers and adopters because when a mother signs that consent while she's still in the hospital, it's rock solid. There's no going back. There is no revocation period for the mother unless the child is older than 6 months of age and even then it's only 3 days.


This is a great set up. Get the PAPs together with a young, impressionable pregnant woman, have them bond with her, spend time with her, be there for her, have them calling her "their birthmother". Then, when it comes time for little one to be born, have the PAPs be there while she's in labor and even go into delivery with her. Some even cut the cord! If a mother can sign a consent in 2 days it's certainly good for the brokers to have  lobbyists like the NCFA working for them to make sure legislation doesn't give a mother any leeway. They want their clients to be able to take the baby home and rest easy that they won't be bothered by some pesky, grieving mother. According to their own website, NCFA is a strong advocate for federal and state policies that advance a culture of adoption throughout the United States and world. Under "Birthparent Issues" they say....


"There are currently a number of bills before Congress that address issues affecting birthparents. Both birthmothers and birthfathers often face many challenges, before and after placing a child for adoption. Some of the challenges birthparents face include resistance to adoption from family and friends, feelings of grief and loss, and misinformation about adoption. Many people still misunderstand or even stigmatize birthparents,
despite the loving, difficult choice they make in order to ensure the well-being of their children."


Their purpose is to advance a culture of adoption, not work in the best interests of infants. Can you imagine if they actually advocated for legislation that would help mothers and babies stay together for at least 8 weeks ensuring that the mother is making a fully informed decision? They even say they're concerned about the "challenge" of a mother's family being resistant to the idea of adoption. Of course they're concerned about it. Why would they want a family to stick together and help each other out when instead the brokers can make a bundle on that little bundle. The NCFA has dues to collect from those agencies. How many babies would actually be adopted if there were a law similar to the one for dogs and cats which stated that a mother and baby could not be separated for the child's first 8 weeks of life? My guess is damned few.

Building families? - no, building bottom lines

In my travels through the blog world I came across a letter that Sandy at Musing Mother posted in her blog called Sinners and Saints. This letter is from the then president of the National Council for Adoption and it was written in 2006. He titled it Reviving the Institution of Infant Adoption. That line alone was enough to get my back up. I'll give you a few pieces from that letter here but I encourage you to go to Sandy's blog and read the whole post.

"This choice of parenting over adoption is often the default decision, due to the mother's lack of understanding of and information about adoption. She bore the child, so, of course, she should "keep it." and how can any mother "give away her baby?" Due to this common instinctive reaction, frequently reinforced culturally and by those around her, the woman with an unplanned pregnancy is often unable to consider adoption freely and make a fully informed decision."

When I first read that paragraph my breath literally caught in my throat. Then it made me laugh. Default decision?! What else would it be? That's how it's supposed to be! Seems to me like the NCFA just doesn't like that women might actually be getting some support from friends and family, support to keep and parent their own children. They would much rather convince her that "making an adoption plan" is a much better decision. And, isn't it funny that this is what we've been saying from the other side..... women in the position of facing an unplanned pregnancy aren't getting all the information they need regarding the consequences of surrender. Maybe women are getting more informed and the NCFA just doesn't like the direction that the information is taking them.

"NCFA is expanding its efforts to revive the institution of infant adoption through sound pregnancy counseling and public communications that promote infant adoption awareness and understanding. NCFA's infant adoption awareness training program teaches pregnancy counselors how to present the adoption option to women with unplanned pregnancies."

Yes, they're going to "counsel" women right out of their babies lives. Who is paying for this counseling? Who is training the counselors? They are, so what kind of spin do you think they'll put on this counseling? Follow the money. They make money when a woman surrenders so how do you think the counseling will go? They will gear it towards encouraging a woman to surrender her baby. This is where the so-called positive language comes in - see what I wrote a couple of posts down below in Language and Lures. They are expanding their efforts because they've been hit in the wallet since the rate of infant adoptions has declined.

"A recent study commissioned by NCFA and the Family Research Council revealed valuable insights into the birthmother's choice of adoption. In-depth interviews of 45 birthmothers addressed the emotional process, thoughts, and feelings they went through in arriving at their adoption decisions. Some findings came as no surprise. For example, in order for birthmothers to feel right about their decision, it was necessary that they made the decision voluntarily. Many who felt they had been coerced or tricked into adoption, mostly older birthmothers, were bitter about it."

So this is how they learn their techniques. They study us, find out what buttons to push and then gear the counseling and advertising that they do to steer young, vulnerable women in the direction of adoption. So, they don't want mothers to be bitter - is this what I'm supposed to take from that last line? I don't feel I was coerced, I know I was coerced. Now, instead of just being open about their agenda, they've gotten sneaky about it. If they play the game right these young women will come away from this experience thinking this was all their idea and gee, they're even happy about it. Then they use these happy surrendering moms to convince more mothers to do the same thing. This is how they "build families" and bottom lines.

The last paragraph...

"For the sake of children, birthparents, and families, NCFA seeks support for advancing counseling, media, and policy strategies to revive infant adoption in America. Will you partner with us in this vital cause?"

Well, sorry NCFA, no support here. They actually strategize on how to separate mothers from their children. They want a revival! They make me sick.