Birthday Wishes Again

Birthday Wishes

48x36

Acrylic on canvas

Some of you might remember this birthday candle painting that I did a while back. I thought it was finished but recently I received a note from another natural mother who wanted to be added to the canvas. I guess as long as there are moms who want to add their children's birthdate I'll keep it in the "not done yet" section of my studio. This is for moms and their children so I'm putting the mom's name and the child's date of birth. If you would like to be added to the painting send me a comment or message.

Peace,
Carlynne

How Much is That Baby in the Window?

“But what about adoptive mothers who want to maintain Their privacy.

I changed diapers for all those years. No one needs to know I did not give birth. Because I worked for the OB-gyn It was arranged for me to put on a gown and lie in the hospital bed so my family could visit and see our new baby.

No one needs to know they were adopted.”

The above quote is something I read in the comments to an article about opening adoption records. First I was shocked, then I thought - how sick is that?, then I felt sad for her children. Do they even know they were adopted or are they going to find out as adults when they try to get a passport and are denied or they have problems getting their driver's licenses because their birth certificate is amended? If they do know they are adopted then will they be held to some ridiculous code of secrecy so that no one else finds out? Will they have to live their lives lying to their friends and families? Is she going to remind them of the charade of wearing a hospital gown, lying in bed acting as if she's recovering from giving birth so they feel guilty about sharing their own personal information?

I really question the mental stability of a woman who will go to this extreme to pretend that she gave birth to these children. How does a person like this qualify to adopt a child in the first place? She actually sounds like one of those people who goes shopping and hides the receipts but these are people, not a new dress that cost more than she'd want to admit to.

Here's another commenter from the same article....

“These were very expensive adoptions. Our children have gone to the best schools and gained admission to fine universities­. Their mothers could not have done well for them, as the poor girls had no impulse control and could not even name the fathers.

Medical History is not needed. I know this as a nurse. I worked for the doctor who delivered all my children and their mothers were healthy.”

Gosh, she paid a lot of money for those children. She should certainly be able to hide not only those receipts but their medical history too - "their mothers were healthy". I was also healthy in 1980. Things can change in 20 to 30 years. As a nurse she doesn't realize this?

I feel for the children of both of these women. What's going to happen to the relationship they have with their adoptive parents when the lies are exposed? Parents like these are not doing what's best for their children. They're not thinking ahead or thinking of their children's needs. There is a part of me that feels sad for these parents. I feel sad for the person who feels so insecure that they have to create a fantasy around their family, spend a lifetime living with lies and in the process potentially harm their adopted children. They don't even realize that they're hurting themselves in addition to the pain they're going to cause their children. So, then I think about their adopted children who will grow up to be adult adoptees with problems created by their parents and I just get pissed off! What makes a person feel they can claim ownership to another human being? I want people like this to shop for a therapist instead of a baby.

The Better Life

The Parasol
Goya
1776-1778

"Maybe a better life in the sense of not being neglected, having a roof over their head, a chance at an education, food in their mouths and clothes on their backs. Or the chance to be raised by someone who is not addicted to drugs. I know this is not the case for all mothers who place their children up for adoption but I would say it is a great amount."

Well, there it is again. I wonder how long it will be before statements like this go away. The question posted by someone on a forum was.... what exactly is this "better life" that everyone talks about when giving their child up for adoption? Now, to be clear - I'm not talking about cases of abuse or neglect - and like I opined earlier, I wonder how many years we will have to clarify everything we say about infant adoption with that statement. We might as well do a copy and paste disclaimer on everything we write.

It would be my guess that the majority of women saying they "placed" their children so their child could have a better life are not the ones abusing drugs and their children. I'd say those children were removed from their mothers for their protection. I'm talking about the mothers who have been convinced that this dream of a better life is reason enough to lose their children. Back in the BSE the better life meant being with parents who were married. That was the main reason given to me and that was in 1979,80. Did those people have prophetic visions? Did they think that adoptive parents never got divorced? No, that had nothing to do with it. There were couples who wanted babies and we had to be punished so it was a win/win for the powers that be and the couple.

I don't know why it never occurs to commenters like the one above that adopters are just as likely to get divorced, use drugs, abuse children, lose their jobs, not be able to afford college and generally have the same problems as the rest of the population. And ladies, if you're pregnant and thinking about adoption, don't let them tell you anything different. There is no alternate universe where adoptive parents live free from the problems of the real world.

Now single people can adopt so the notion of the married couple providing the better life doesn't carry as much weight as it used to. What's the better life now? It's money of course. It just makes sense, look at the consumer society we live in. We judge everything by it's monetary value. We judge each other based on some ridiculous standard of beauty and we spend, spend, spend to make it happen. We must have the most beautiful face, body, house and car. We must have the latest and greatest gadgets and the biggest tv's. If the child is in a bigger house with the newest stuff surely the child will be happier. It makes us happier doesn't it? So it just stands to reason that the child will be happy too. While the child is living the better life the mother can then pursue living her better life. She can follow her dream of having more but is her life really better? Is her child's life really better? She will be missing her child. Her child will be missing her. How is this better? The adoptive parents have it better because they have the child. The agency has it better because they the money.

When I see statements like that commenter made there's so much that runs through my mind. I get angry because it makes assumptions about me and my daughter and it's demeaning to the other natural mothers I know. It reminds me again just how well the happy adoption propaganda works. And it makes me sad that there will be more mothers who will believe this lie of the "better life".

Connections

It's December 1st. National Adoption Awareness Month is over and that's a very good thing. There was lots of posting going on during the month but I didn't do very much of it myself - just couldn't bring myself to write anything. I did a lot of reading though. There were some who posted every day - kudos to them! I hope they take a much needed rest.

December always gets me thinking about this lovely lady to the left. She's my grandmother and this was taken in 1938. Her name was Anadelia and her birthday is coming up on the 11th. She died in '03 and I still miss her terribly. Over the years she told me lots of stories about growing up in Puerto Rico but the saddest was hearing about her being orphaned at a very young age and moving from house to house as different people took care of her - some family, some not. As you can imagine family became very important to her.

During my teen years we lived far apart - me on the east coast, Grandma on the west coast. When I was pregnant with my firstborn - the one lost to adoption, she knew nothing about it. At the time, us "unwed mothers" were instructed to keep this secret. It's easier to keep a secret when you're 3000 miles from someone but I was very close to her so it was hard to keep something like this from her. Years later, after I had gotten married, she moved east to be near us. One day I was hanging out with her in the kitchen and she asked if I was going to have any more children. At this point I had my son and youngest daughter. I told her no, we're not having any more. She then told me about her dream. She said.... "I just don't understand it. Years ago I had a dream that you had 3 children, 2 girls and a boy. The boy has dark hair, one of the girls has dark hair and the other girl has lighter hair - it has some red in it". Now normally that would be when I'd get chills and think holy shit - how did she know, but this was Grandma - she just knew things. It was time to fess up and tell her the story. I knew that was the moment; it was time to tell her about my oldest daughter (whose father is a redhead btw).

As you can imagine, many tears were shed. It was hard to tell her but once it was done the relief was immense. She told me that if she had known, she would have flown me to CA and helped me raise her. That was one of those "what if" moments but I can't dwell on that - it hurts too much. For years after that day we'd talk about finding my daughter. She'd tell me that all she wanted before she died was to meet my baby. Well, the timing couldn't have been more perfect. I found Liz, we reunited and just a few weeks before Grandma was gone, Liz was able to fly down and meet her Great Grandmother. I'll never forget the look on Grandma's face as she walked into the room. Liz stood at the edge of the bed in the nursing home, held Grandma's hand and I saw the family together at last. I knew this meant the world to my grandmother and it was amazing for me to see them together.

What I know now is I want to be the grandmother that my grandmother was to me. She understood family connections. She loved fiercely, she didn't care what the neighbors thought about anything, she protected her own, she was always there with a hug and a smile and a plate of food.

I have four grandchildren now and I can only hope that I can live up to her example.

Gratitude

This is another one of my pieces, it's colored pencil on illustration board. I put this one up today because the leaf reminded me of a heart.

Today my heart is full. I've been struggling lately with a lot of stuff - creative blocks, stress stemming from the lovely health insurance industry, the economy, our *&^%$ car and dryer, but as I'm getting ready to bake the pumpkin roll for my contribution to tomorrow's Thanksgiving dinner, I'm also thinking about what's happened this year and I'm grateful for so much.

As of this month, I'm one year past the cancer! I'm above ground and that's truly a wonderful thing. Five months ago my son's daughter was born - an amazing little person! Maxine has all of us wrapped around those 10 little fingers. My kids are healthy and happy and what more could a mom ask for. My oldest is back in my life for 8 years now (yes, that's a correction from the last post - no, apparently I can't count). My husband is still putting up with me :) I have the best BFF in the world in Kelli. I also have a great group of art students. I had a class with them this morning and they are so kind, loving, funny and talented. They make class time a real joy.

And finally.... this year I've met a great bunch of ladies. Robin, Celeste, Hanne, Lorraine, Jane, Cedar, Claudia, Lori, Linda, Jeni, Stephanie, 2 Karens, Beth and there's lots more. These are natural mothers and adoptees, they're wonderful women who have taught me so much about not only the adoption industry but myself too. Although I've only had the pleasure of meeting one of them face to face, I'm stronger because of them. I've been able to start speaking out because of them. I no longer feel so alone with this. I spent decades not having anyone who could really relate to what I had been through and now there are people who understand, who get it.

Life is good.

So, thank you and have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone.

Family Reunion

Family Reunion, Frederic Bazille, 1867, oil on canvas.

This looks like the idyllic reunion day. How nice to gather with family and celebrate that connection with each other. That's what a family reunion is - celebrating that we have connections. Unfortunately, for adoptees and their original families, those celebrations are few and far between.

Today, November 14 is the day I received "the call". It was the day I found out that my daughter had been found and she wanted to have contact with me. That was 9 years ago today. So, as you can see, November has quite the significance for me. It's not only National Adoption Awareness Month (grrrrrrr.... I hate the way it's used by so many in the industry to promote infant adoption) but it's also the month when I got my daughter back. It's the month of my first grandson's birthday too. Yesterday was J's 13 birthday. He turned 13 on the 13th. It was his golden birthday. I wasn't there when my daughter was pregnant with him, I wasn't there when he was born, I wasn't there during his first years. That makes me sad. Now that I'm watching my son's baby girl grow it really drives the point home that I missed out when my daughter was having her children. She has 3 boys. I wasn't there for the births of the first two. We didn't know each other then. I missed out on seeing my daughter become a mother. This is just another item on the long list of what adoption does to families.

One of my Facebook friends posted this article and it made me think about my grandchildren. So many people don't realize how much the rest of the family is affected when an adoptee doesn't know who they came from. That could have been my grandson, it could have been any adoptee's family. I've heard people say that records shouldn't be opened because an adoptee is just curious. What about life and death? Is that a good enough reason? Why should anyone have to jump through legal hoops to get their own information in order to save their child's life? Besides, what's wrong with being curious?

That day 9 years ago was one of the happiest days of my life - to find out that my daughter wanted to know me, that she was willing to be found. To all the legislators out there who hide behind the skirts of mothers like me - open the records! I was not promised anonymity, I didn't want anonymity, I wanted my daughter. Give people their family reunion. They have the right to know who they were before adoption. It's not your life, it's theirs.

Happy 9th reunion anniversary Liz, I love you.

It's a miracle!

Miracle of Newborn Child, Titian, 1511 Fresco.

I see this phrase a lot.... "the miracle of adoption". When did the man-made notion of adoption become a miracle? The religious like to put God into the equation to make it seem as if adoption is a sacred thing. How convenient to use a person's faith to convince them that adoption is part of the divine order.

Here's a definition of the word miracle I found online. "A miracle is an unexpected event attributed to divine intervention. Sometimes an event is also attributed (in part) to a miracle worker, saint, or religious leader. A miracle is sometimes thought of as a perceptible interruption of the laws of nature. Others suggest that God may work with the laws of nature to perform what people perceive as miracles."

Well, adoption is not an unexpected event and the only ones intervening are humans. Look at the line I put in bold - ....a perceptible interruption of the laws of nature. Now that makes sense. Adoption certainly IS an interruption of the laws of nature. Natural law creates a bond between mother and child that is sacred. This is the miracle to me. This is what people have lost sight of. This sacredness has been sacrificed for the almighty dollar. The "almighty" didn't create adoption. The adoption industry calls taking a newborn infant from his or her mother and giving him to a couple who are strangers a miracle. I see adopters writing all the time about God bringing a child to them, that it was meant to be. If all is created by God then why was that child created in the womb of the other woman? Was that woman not meant to be the child's mother? She is then told by people who like playing god that she isn't good enough to raise her own baby. It's not too difficult to believe that if you've been raised to believe that you're a sinner to begin with. Maybe for some, the brainwashing started long before the pregnancy.

What could be more of a miracle than feeling your child move within you, feeling the kick of a baby as she grows? Being connected to that life on a cellular level, being one with that person for all those months is the closest connection any two human beings can have on this planet. That is the miracle! Seeing that child's face for the first time and knowing who she is, is the miracle. That experience was denied me when my daughter was born. I was physically connected to another human yet seeing her and touching her was denied me and she was denied knowing me. That's not a miracle, it's a tragedy.

Scripture is thrown around to justify the idea of adoption like these verses on an adoption site:

Deuteronomy 10:18 He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing. Giving him food and clothing means just that - food and clothing. It does not translate into giving him new parents.

Isaiah 1:17 Learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow. What is the cause of the fatherless? To be cared for and loved by their own tribe. If not the mother or father directly then another from their family. That would be seeking justice for the child. Working to keep the sacred connection between mother and child unbroken is seeking justice. Helping the mother IS helping the child.

People are using God to justify taking a child from a mother. If this so-called miracle is meant to be then does that mean God meant for the child to suffer the loss of her family and the family to suffer the loss of their child? How does this jive with the being who is supposed to be all-knowing and loving? When people pray for God to bring them a baby they are praying for something they want; they're asking to have their own needs satisfied. They are not praying for what's best for the child because what's best for a baby is her own mother. If their prayer is answered that means they got what they wanted and what they wanted translates into pain and loss, a sacred bond being broken. When you break it down it just means they're praying for someone else to lose so they can win. In adoption that means many people lose, not just the mother and child. An entire family is damaged.

I think I prefer this verse - Exodus 20:1-17 You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's. That includes their children.