Memories. A lot of them have been flooding back recently. Last month one of my Facebook friends mentioned a folder next to the messages Inbox that said "other". I didn't know that this folder existed. It was there but I never noticed it before. I decided to check it out and see what was in there. It said I had 99+ messages. Most of them were from pages I had "liked" or people I had some kind of connection with. What possesses FB to just randomly dump messages into another folder? I don't know but it pissed me off! As I was scrolling down the list I discovered a name of someone I hadn't seen in 33 years. The message was sent to me over a year ago and I'm only now seeing it. That's just plain wrong. Facebook was mucking about in my personal life. Ok, yeah, I know it's free and I do love FB. I'm just grumbling because I've missed out on a full year of communicating with this person because THEY decided that the message belonged in "other".
Anyway, this is someone I dated, in what seems like eons ago. He doesn't want to hear that it's decades but it actually is. If you've read my blog from the beginning then you've probably figured out the timeline. My daughter is 32 years old. No it's not my daughter's father, it's someone I dated shortly before meeting my daughter's father.We had dated when I attended our community college, before attending art school. He moved away and the romantic relationship ended but the friendship didn't. This is someone who was there for me when I had no one else. This is someone who, upon finding out about my pregnancy, asked me to come visit him so I could get away from the situation for just a little while. He was someone who cared.
He was attending a very conservative school at the time. He was concerned about what I was going through and not about what other people would think of me being there - in my very pregnant condition. He was the opposite of what I was dealing with. I was about to lose my firstborn child because of what society and the "neighbors" would think yet, there he was, doing his best to make me comfortable no matter what anyone said about him. There was talk I'm sure. I figured the rumor mill was working overtime. I worried about what people were saying about him. I stayed in the girl's dorm during the week of my visit. The looks I got! Omg...you'd think the devil had moved to town. Did it faze him? No. He didn't care and that's exactly what I needed at the time.
He said to me the other day that he worried about me after I left from that visit and he wished that he could have done more for me. I don't know what that would have been. Some would say that a 22 year old college student doesn't know much about the world but from my perspective now, he knew a hell of a lot more than the adults around me did. He knew about the need for living in the moment. He knew about living for what's important and not for what other people think of you. He knew about the importance of connections and family. He knew what it meant to be there for someone.
My connection with him didn't change the outcome of the situation, I still lost my daughter to adoption but that was certainly not from any lack on his part. It pains me to think that he would feel any guilt or responsibility for the situation. As a matter of fact, I think at that point Catholic Charities had already gotten me to sign the adoption consent. They had me sign a consent for adoption when I was only 6 months pregnant - illegal, by the way and not just by today's laws. He did his best to help me and I will always love him for that. My point is... there are people in your life that you should cherish. There are 2 men in my life who understand me more than anyone. One was there for me when I was pregnant and the other was there for me after I lost my daughter. Both of them are cherished. Both of them mean the world to me. The first one was in my life for just a brief moment in time and now has another life, a life he loves and I'm so happy for him. I'm fortunate that I get to share part of that life again thanks to the internet. Ok yes, thanks to Facebook even though they pissed me off..... The second one is the man I married. We've been married for 31 years and thanks to him I'm relatively sane :) Thank you to both of them. I don't know that surviving the loss of a child would have been possible without them.
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Friday, January 11, 2013
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Holiday Traffic
I just looked at the date of my last post and was amazed. Oct. 11 was quite awhile ago. You know how it is, busy with life in general, working constantly and trying to make ends meet, noticing November's focus on adoption and wanting to avoid the subject all together. The last few months have been difficult and I just didn't think I could handle anything else that would add to the general down in the dumps feeling.
Today was a good day though. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. The focus is all on being with family, friends and loved ones. There's no pressure with shopping, budgets, time crunches etc..... for me it's just about love. I was with some of my loved ones and some were at other dinners in other towns and other states. Although they weren't here I know they care for me and I have so much to be thankful for. Today I had my son and his family with me but my girls weren't here. My oldest is in Ohio and my youngest was with her hubby's family. I miss them but it's fine because I know our relationships are about a lot more than just one day.
So anyway.... I've been focusing on the gratitude today. I am so grateful to have my oldest daughter back in my life after 22 years of separation due to adoption. I'm grateful that I can now say I have 3 children. I can now say I have 4 grandchildren. I don't have to hide anymore. I don't have to lie anymore. I have contact with her. I can tell her that I love her just like I do with my other 2 children. She's a part of me and I can claim that without fear or shame. People who have never been through adoption separation have no idea just how huge this is. It's big. It's life changing - for both sides. I'm grateful that I was able to find my daughter. I'm grateful that I could stand in my back yard and take a photo of all 3 of my children - that was a dream come true. Even though that particular event happened some years ago, it still sticks in my mind as if it were yesterday. It was a pivotal event. Holiday photos are taken by the billions and they're wonderful but there's something special about taking a picture of all of your children together for the very first time. That particular day wasn't a calendar holiday but it was a moment that divided my life. There was the "before my children met each other" time and then the "after my children met each other"time.
What else am I grateful for? The internet. It's helped me stay connected to my daughter and grandchildren. It's helped me to stay connected to family that live on the other side of the country. It's helped me hang out with friends and other artists. It's helped me get the word out about my work. It's inspired me by showing me the world. It's also shown me the dark side of the world we live in. Even though I don't really want to know this because it's hard to read or see, I'm grateful for it. If we didn't find out about the greedy, money grubbing, baby trafficking people like this how would we know what we're up against? We need to know that there are people advertising this little boy
"Caucasian boy due Dec. 25 in UT. Agency fees of 30,500 plus 1K medical."
or this baby.....
"African American baby of unknown gender due 12/3. NEEDS UT FAMILY! Agency fees of 17K plus 6K medical."
Now can someone please explain why the medical is 1K in the first listing but 6K in the second listing? Could it have something to do with the holiday? The first baby's due date is Christmas day after all. Why is the Caucasian boy so much more expensive than the African American baby of unknown gender. Is it because the gender is unknown or because the baby is African American? WTF?
Here's another little item from this company's site....
Education on Birth mother warning signs and Birth father situations: We help our clients reduce the risk associated with adoption by matching with specific birth mothers and steering clear of birth mothers or birth fathers that exhibit common warning signs. Our agencies disclose a full social and medical history of the birth mother and frequently test for drugs and alcohol exposure.
Common warning signs of what? Mothers who may decide they want to keep and raise their children? What exactly are they saying here? These are people who are just another layer in the world of flesh peddling. They're not an agency. They are consultants who are nothing but another go-between in the middle of the AP's and the agency who is recruiting the expectant mother. This is another middle man. Another group of people with their hands out looking to make money on the sales of children but hey, if the word Christian is right there at the top of the page then they must be good - right? People (some, not all) who call themselves Christians are supposed to have a grasp of the concept of gratitude but can they appreciate the connection a mother and child have for each other? Can they appreciate that what's in the best interest of the child (except of course in the case of abuse or neglect) is to remain with his/her natural family? Do they only feel gratitude for the bottom line?
As much as it hurts to see this, I'm grateful for the media that allowed it to come to our attention. If we didn't have access to this information, how would we know that this was going on? How would we know that there are things that need to change? I'm so grateful for the time we live in but so sad that the time we live in hasn't shown us to be more evolved than this.
Today was a good day though. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. The focus is all on being with family, friends and loved ones. There's no pressure with shopping, budgets, time crunches etc..... for me it's just about love. I was with some of my loved ones and some were at other dinners in other towns and other states. Although they weren't here I know they care for me and I have so much to be thankful for. Today I had my son and his family with me but my girls weren't here. My oldest is in Ohio and my youngest was with her hubby's family. I miss them but it's fine because I know our relationships are about a lot more than just one day.
So anyway.... I've been focusing on the gratitude today. I am so grateful to have my oldest daughter back in my life after 22 years of separation due to adoption. I'm grateful that I can now say I have 3 children. I can now say I have 4 grandchildren. I don't have to hide anymore. I don't have to lie anymore. I have contact with her. I can tell her that I love her just like I do with my other 2 children. She's a part of me and I can claim that without fear or shame. People who have never been through adoption separation have no idea just how huge this is. It's big. It's life changing - for both sides. I'm grateful that I was able to find my daughter. I'm grateful that I could stand in my back yard and take a photo of all 3 of my children - that was a dream come true. Even though that particular event happened some years ago, it still sticks in my mind as if it were yesterday. It was a pivotal event. Holiday photos are taken by the billions and they're wonderful but there's something special about taking a picture of all of your children together for the very first time. That particular day wasn't a calendar holiday but it was a moment that divided my life. There was the "before my children met each other" time and then the "after my children met each other"time.
What else am I grateful for? The internet. It's helped me stay connected to my daughter and grandchildren. It's helped me to stay connected to family that live on the other side of the country. It's helped me hang out with friends and other artists. It's helped me get the word out about my work. It's inspired me by showing me the world. It's also shown me the dark side of the world we live in. Even though I don't really want to know this because it's hard to read or see, I'm grateful for it. If we didn't find out about the greedy, money grubbing, baby trafficking people like this how would we know what we're up against? We need to know that there are people advertising this little boy
"Caucasian boy due Dec. 25 in UT. Agency fees of 30,500 plus 1K medical."
or this baby.....
"African American baby of unknown gender due 12/3. NEEDS UT FAMILY! Agency fees of 17K plus 6K medical."
Now can someone please explain why the medical is 1K in the first listing but 6K in the second listing? Could it have something to do with the holiday? The first baby's due date is Christmas day after all. Why is the Caucasian boy so much more expensive than the African American baby of unknown gender. Is it because the gender is unknown or because the baby is African American? WTF?
Here's another little item from this company's site....
Education on Birth mother warning signs and Birth father situations: We help our clients reduce the risk associated with adoption by matching with specific birth mothers and steering clear of birth mothers or birth fathers that exhibit common warning signs. Our agencies disclose a full social and medical history of the birth mother and frequently test for drugs and alcohol exposure.
Common warning signs of what? Mothers who may decide they want to keep and raise their children? What exactly are they saying here? These are people who are just another layer in the world of flesh peddling. They're not an agency. They are consultants who are nothing but another go-between in the middle of the AP's and the agency who is recruiting the expectant mother. This is another middle man. Another group of people with their hands out looking to make money on the sales of children but hey, if the word Christian is right there at the top of the page then they must be good - right? People (some, not all) who call themselves Christians are supposed to have a grasp of the concept of gratitude but can they appreciate the connection a mother and child have for each other? Can they appreciate that what's in the best interest of the child (except of course in the case of abuse or neglect) is to remain with his/her natural family? Do they only feel gratitude for the bottom line?
As much as it hurts to see this, I'm grateful for the media that allowed it to come to our attention. If we didn't have access to this information, how would we know that this was going on? How would we know that there are things that need to change? I'm so grateful for the time we live in but so sad that the time we live in hasn't shown us to be more evolved than this.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Gratitude
This is another one of my pieces, it's colored pencil on illustration board. I put this one up today because the leaf reminded me of a heart.
Today my heart is full. I've been struggling lately with a lot of stuff - creative blocks, stress stemming from the lovely health insurance industry, the economy, our *&^%$ car and dryer, but as I'm getting ready to bake the pumpkin roll for my contribution to tomorrow's Thanksgiving dinner, I'm also thinking about what's happened this year and I'm grateful for so much.
As of this month, I'm one year past the cancer! I'm above ground and that's truly a wonderful thing. Five months ago my son's daughter was born - an amazing little person! Maxine has all of us wrapped around those 10 little fingers. My kids are healthy and happy and what more could a mom ask for. My oldest is back in my life for 8 years now (yes, that's a correction from the last post - no, apparently I can't count). My husband is still putting up with me :) I have the best BFF in the world in Kelli. I also have a great group of art students. I had a class with them this morning and they are so kind, loving, funny and talented. They make class time a real joy.
And finally.... this year I've met a great bunch of ladies. Robin, Celeste, Hanne, Lorraine, Jane, Cedar, Claudia, Lori, Linda, Jeni, Stephanie, 2 Karens, Beth and there's lots more. These are natural mothers and adoptees, they're wonderful women who have taught me so much about not only the adoption industry but myself too. Although I've only had the pleasure of meeting one of them face to face, I'm stronger because of them. I've been able to start speaking out because of them. I no longer feel so alone with this. I spent decades not having anyone who could really relate to what I had been through and now there are people who understand, who get it.
Life is good.
So, thank you and have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone.
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