Preserving Families

A lovely lady in Gatesville, TX wrote to me to tell me about this organization alley's house. Their mission:

"Empowering teen mothers and their children to achieve independence through support services, education and mentoring."

Yes! In traveling through their site I couldn't find any indication that they were promoting adoption. They're a group of people dedicated to helping young moms by giving them support, help with goals, structure, education, parenting etc.... Just imagine how many families could be preserved if there were more places like this. Imagine how many mothers could keep and raise their children well if more federal dollars went to places like this instead of toward pushing the adoption agenda through huge tax incentives, grants and loans.

Convincing a poor, young, single mother to surrender her baby does not in any way help that mother. It causes heartache, despair, anxiety, depression and sometimes even suicide. Supporting her through programs with volunteer mentors, helping her to get her diploma and go on to college is going to allow her to raise her child and make a better life for herself. Unlike the adoption agencies who use college scholarships to entice mothers to surrender their babies, these folks believe you can keep your child and get educated.

I'm all for that. If anyone else knows of an organization similar to this one, please let me know. I'd like to add them to the list of resources for single moms.

Me and the girls

There was a show on a few years ago called the Gilmore Girls. My daughter Sarah and I would be glued to this show every Tuesday night for 7 seasons. The main characters were Lorelei and Rory - mother and daughter, and it was about their relationship. At the time the show was on Sarah was about the same age as Rory so there we were mother and daughter watching mother and daughter. I also have to confess that we love the show so much we now have all the seasons on dvd and the boxes travel from my house to Sarah's and back again and we're still not tired of watching, much to our husband's dismay. The show had really great writers, it was smart and funny.

Anyway, the point is, the mom/daughter relationship wasn't the only reason this show resonated with me. In the story line Lorelei was 16 when she got pregnant, didn't like the plan her parents made for her, which was to marry her boyfriend so she left with her baby. She was taken in by a woman who gave her a place to stay and a job that would let her have some flexibility so she could care for her baby. Basically she had support, she had some help so could keep and raise her daughter. The writers on the show never mentioned the "adoption option" and I often wondered why. Maybe they thought it would be too deep emotionally, although they did get into other tough topics. They also got into Lorelei's struggling relationship with her parents - the after effects of her pregnancy and running away. There was plenty for me to connect with in this story.

During the years of watching I often fantasized about what it would have been like to have had that kind of support. What would it have been like if I had just been given a chance? I know it would've been hard but maybe I would've ended up sitting there on Tuesday nights with both my daughters watching the show. When I see girls now talking about the reasons they surrendered their babies to adoption or why they're thinking about surrender I just want to cry. I want to warn them, I want to shake them awake. The main reasons are usually.....

"I can't give my child the life he deserves"

"The adoptive parents are better off financially"

"My child should have 2 parents"

"I'm not ready to parent"

So, the first one - what exactly does that mean - the life he deserves? What a child deserves is the mother who gave birth to him. He deserves to be loved by the woman who nurtured him in her body for 9 months, the one who loved him before he was born. He deserves to know where he came from, to grow up seeing the faces of others who look like him and have mannerisms like him, who walk like him and have similar tastes as him. He deserves to know the other folks in his tribe.

Reason number two - they're better off financially. Well, there's always someone better off financially. There's always going to be someone who has more money than you. It's all relative. Money comes and goes, situations change. Adoptive parents can lose jobs too. They're not immune to crisis. Mothers should not lose their children because they're poor. Children should not lose their mothers because their mothers are poor. Ask about resources. Ask for help.

Number three.... having 2 parents. In a perfect world maybe but we don't live in one of those. Adoptive parents get divorced or one of them dies. There's no guarantees in this life. Single moms can and do raise children every day. So do single dads. No, it's not easy but the really hard stuff in the beginning is temporary. Your status as a single person could possibly change too.

And finally - not ready? Honey, no one is every ready for being a parent. Those 9 months of pregnancy is you getting ready. Your body is preparing and during that time you can be getting your environment ready, putting a plan into action. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world and the best job in the world and you don't want to miss out on it. It's day by day and that's how you learn. The joy of having your child with you and watching her grow will far outweigh any hardship you encounter.

Adoptive parents are not superhuman. They're people just like the rest of us - some split up, have problems, some are loving and some are not. With some support to get started you are capable of taking care of your child. You have no idea what you're in for when you surrender a child. No, it doesn't get easier over time. When the agencies tell you that it's a lie. The grieving goes on and on. Having an open adoption doesn't mean it will stay open. That's also a lie. Don't get all your information from adoption agencies and their counselors. Don't base your decision on pretty brochures with lovely photos of smiling PAP faces, picket fences and puppies. These are nothing more than ads designed by marketers. All they're saying is "pick me, pick me". Don't allow yourself to be matched with a couple and be pushed into a relationship with them when you're pregnant. Don't allow them into the hospital when you're in labor, in delivery or your room afterward. All of these things are designed to manipulate you into doing what they want - giving them your baby. The main thing is find out about all your options not just the "adoption option".

I love that the writers of the Gilmore Girls created a character who was strong and followed her heart, someone who got help and raised her daughter as a single mom. Yeah, I know it's only a tv show but it was a positive example out there in tv land of a mom who kept her baby and raised her well. I appreciate that.

Half Blank

My husband and I were talking/dreaming the other day about a trip we'd like to take. He's been to Europe but I've never been. I'd like him to show me the sights - you know - do the tourist thing, see castles and country side, maybe do a river cruise. It's not something we can do anytime soon but for the fun of adding to the dream I thought I'd look into the requirements for a passport. I've never needed one before so I never thought about it. The first thing I noticed was the requirement for the original birth certificate and that the date on the certificate had to be within one year of the date of birth.

Well, my birth certificate is amended and is dated several years after my birth because I was adopted by my Dad. He's the only Dad I've ever known but he's not my natural father. I guess this makes me an adoptee-lite along with being a natural mother. I haven't talked about this other connection I have with adoption before because of the conditioning I grew up with. I didn't even find out about my adoption until I was 26 years old and here I am - 52 and just now talking about it - it took another 26 years. My family felt there was such a stigma connected to adoption that they didn't want anyone to know, even me - the one most affected.

Since becoming involved with the adoption community I've read stories from adoptees about finding out the truth as an adult. I can relate. Although I was raised by my mother and knew her side of the family, there is still another entire family I know very little about. To find out that you are not who you think you are is mind blowing. It's like your world tilts on it's axis and nothing is the same again. I remember one of the first thoughts I had was.... wow, I'm not really Cuban? that's just bizarre. Even the simple act of looking in the mirror changes. I didn't think any differently about Dad and I didn't/don't love him any less, it just brought another whole element into the equation about my identity. When I think about how much the news affected me, I can really feel for the adoptees who find this out when they're older and have zero information about either side of their natural families.

At the time I found out about my adoption it was 6 years after losing my daughter and my third child was just under a year old. I was trying to raise 2 little ones and keep my self together in dealing with the loss of my baby girl. There was a lot going on to say the least so I stewed on it for a while but then put it away. I had to focus on my kids. Now that I've started this blog, talk to other people in the adoption constellation, write letters and comments to people about access to OBC's for adoptees, all this stuff about my own adoption comes rushing back to the forefront. I don't know what that means for me. I'd like to find out more about my natural father's family. Maybe it'll mean no passport for me, not sure in my situation. I haven't researched enough yet to know.

There's been a lot of talk about Oprah's mother and her shame. I understand. It seems like it doesn't matter what angle you're coming from there's shame and secrecy involved. No more lies, no more shame, no more hiding. Done already.

The Show

Well, there's already lots of writing and talking about Oprah's show yesterday so I'm not going to go into all the details here but I did want to put some thoughts down. I watched it at first with trepidation. Since I was at work all day and had to watch it late last night I didn't want to end up crying, angry or both right before wanting to sleep. Getting a good night's sleep doesn't happen that often anyway so adding some late night stress doesn't help.

So..... what was I worried about? I was worried that the stereotypes were going to rear their ugly heads. I had never seen any of the shows she's done previously on adoption but I heard that she was very pro-adoption. I just didn't know what to expect. As it turns out I thought it was a good show. At first I sensed, and it may just be my perception, that Oprah was angry with her mother when she talked about confronting her with the story. If that's so, I can understand it to a degree. Finding something out this huge, so many years later, is truly unsettling. But then later in the show, it was a relief for me when Oprah had her epiphany regarding the shame that her mother must have felt. I thought it was important that she acknowledge what so many natural mothers experience and why there are some who are reluctant to face their past. I also thought it important that the issue of poverty was discussed as the reason for the adoption.

I was pleased that Patricia was able to explain how she felt about being adopted, what it meant to her to find her family and other family members were able to express how the situation affected them. I thought the topic was handled with dignity and I loved it when Patricia said it (reunion) should be handled within the family. Yes! She was referring to the possible media circus of course because of Oprah's celebrity status but to me that means the government and agencies need to stay out of it when an adoptee wants an OBC or adoption records. What they do with those records then is their business.

Anyway, I thought the show was done well. I think Oprah will now have a new perpective on adoption and what it does to people, that's what happens when something hits close to home. I wish all of them the best in getting to know their families.

Statement Enclosed

I saw an excellent post this morning by Amanda at Declassified Adoptee. She was talking about silence and success. Of course this was from the adoptee point of view but I could certainly relate from the mother's perspective.

"The notion that "not talking about it" means a person has not thought about it or experience difficulty, or that their silence means that there is no different experience or difficulty for anyone, is absurd."

Oh, so true.

"And then comes you're ever popular, heard-it-a-million-times, "I know someone who is adopted and they're fine with it; they never talk about it." After hearing/reading this response so many times, I wonder why it is, to so many people, that being silent about such a big thing is a sign of success in an adoption?"

It could have just as easily read "I know someone who is a natural mother....." This is something I found when I started talking about adoption with people - the shock that they express when finding out that I wasn't just fine with the whole notion of adoption. Like adoptees, we didn't go around talking about our experience as mothers. Some of us were silent for literally decades. So, if we were silent for so many years, how were people to know what it was like for us? On one hand I can understand why someone would be surprised at how we feel and felt about the experience. Actually, if we call it what it really was - abuse, maybe people would think a little differently about it.

On the other hand though, I have trouble understanding how people could not know that surrendering a child for adoption is devastating. I've had a woman tell me that she had no idea I experienced such pain or that the pain continues for years. This was coming from a woman who is a mother herself. This is common and I don't know why. How can someone who experienced pregnancy, childbirth and raising children not know that losing a child hurts like hell and keeps on hurting? Just because I haven't gone through life beating my chest and sobbing daily doesn't mean I'm fine with what happened. I guess this is what's missing - something as simple as the thought - "I wonder what that would be like" and then mentally and emotionally be in that person's shoes for a while. We not only need our stories to be out there so people have knowledge, we also need some more imagination in the world, imagining what life is or was like for other people.

As I've written about before, many of us kept silent because were told to, because we were shamed into silence. Well, I think a lot of people prefer that we stay quiet. Being quiet about the abuse means they don't have to imagine what that would've been like. No one wants to feel pain. That's what we're about, finding pleasure and avoiding pain. If they don't hear about it they don't have to feel it. They also don't have to feel guilt depending on the connection to adoption. They don't have to feel obligation to do anything about the injustices. It's just plain easier to not deal with it at all. So the message is......all of you people who are unhappy with the way things happened or the way things are happening now, just go away.

Well, no such luck. A lot of people involved with adoption have no intention of disappearing. There's a statement enclosed.

Mothers in Exile

Mothers in Exile

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When I think of mothers like me who have lost children to adoption there are words that come to mind.... fractured, hidden, sad, exiled, grieving, broken, secrets, lies, missing, searching, darkness, compartmentalize, anger, denial, waiting. And then there are words like survival, strength and perseverance.

This is who we are. We grieve our lost babies. We love and cherish the babies we gave birth to later. We spend decades waiting for the day when all our children will be in the same room. We are women who were never able to have more babies and grieve the loss of their one and only. We separate the broken part of ourselves from our family lives so we can continue to live. We only let it peek through when the crack in the facade just can't be held together another second. For many of us that day was a birthday, that month was the birth month. We are the women who lie when asked how many children we have. We say two when we want to SCREAM 3!

We walk around in hiding. People would never guess this inner world of a mother of adoption loss. We're not supposed to tell. Pretending becomes second nature and it's this pretending that allows us to keep going. But, we can only keep going that way for so long. The damage that pretending does becomes too great and we have to start the reveal. Little by little we come out from behind the door and let people know what happened. Then some of us find, amazingly enough, that the world didn't cave in when we told our secrets. We even find other mothers who lived it and know. We find people who are willing to listen even if they don't understand and people who are so shocked at the stories we tell that they don't know how to take it in.

So, we persevere, keep telling the story and get a little bit stronger every time. We write, we paint and we sing and we try to make sense of the senseless acts done to us and our children. We're the mothers coming out of exile.

Motivation

I just read this article that someone posted on Facebook. This is an adoptive father talking about the injustices in the adoption world. First of all, he refers to women like me as "the birthmother". I just can't help the way it gets under my skin. He might as well say - "the walking uterus" or "the womb". It's like we aren't even people to him.

His first complaint: the long wait for an infant. He's in Canada and according to him there's a minimum wait of 10 years when doing a public adoption. The wait is shorter when it's a private adoption but "the birthmother" still has the right to change her mind up until 30 days after the baby is placed in the home. *gasp* The baby's mother has an entire month (insert sarcastic tone here) to change her mind. I do have to say though, at least she has 30 days. Here in my state of Florida there is NO time to change her mind. Once the paper is signed - that's it. It's done.

His second complaint: foster homes are overflowing with children. "In Canada, our system still weighs heavily the rights of the biological parent over those of the child." The writer is speaking of the child being in foster care for a period of time while the parent has a chance to remedy whatever the situation is. Isn't it in the best interest of the child for the parent to get their act together so they can raise their child? If they're not able to do that, shouldn't a family member be found first before giving the child to a stranger? And, when it comes to giving the natural parent a chance, how long is too long? I certainly don't have the answers and of course it should be considered on a case by case basis but it sounds like if it were up to this guy, the child would be taken and adopted out right away.

His next complaint: "I wish that it were different, that families would adopt these children." In other words - someone else's family should adopt them - not him and his family. He's still going for the newborn. "Our motivation is not charity. We want infants," Aha! There it is. He's complaining about the wait time for infants and the number of children in foster care but he doesn't want to be the one to take one of the children overflowing the system.

So.... to sum up, this is what his article sounds like to me. He doesn't want to have to wait for a baby. He doesn't want to adopt the children from foster care. He doesn't want mothers to have the opportunity to change their minds about such a huge life altering decision (life altering for her AND the baby). He doesn't want parents to have the chance to get their life together so they can raise their own children. What does he want? He says he's concerned for the children's well being but it seems to me what he really wants is someone else's newborn baby and he wants him or her now.