What's in a name?

I watched a video today that was posted on Facebook. It was about adoptees getting their OBC's and seeing their original names for the very first time. As an adoptee-lite I had a similar experience very recently when I was given my adoption papers and saw my original last name on an official document for the first time. It was very strange and healing in a way. For people who haven't been through this particular experience, it's hard to understand the actual physical reaction a person can have when faced with an identity that's part of you but so unfamiliar. For me, it was another piece of the puzzle put back in place. It took away another bit of the confusion I felt for so long about who I was and who my father was.

Thinking about all that made me think about a conversation I had with my daughter. As I've written before, my daughter and I have been reunited for years. When I requested and received the paperwork from Catholic Social Services regarding her adoption I asked her if she'd like a copy. She said yes so I made copies and sent them off. Seeing those papers was very difficult for me - I think any natural mother who has been through this stuff knows what I'm talking about. The memories come crushing back and emotions flood. And, what I experienced with seeing my adoption papers probably doesn't compare to what my daughter felt when she saw hers.

It took a while for me to get the courage to open the envelope but when I finally did and read them, three major things jumped out at me:

1. CSS had me sign a form giving them control when I was only 6 months pregnant. It was an adoption release form which was the "consent to the release of custody and control of the child". This was startling to me since I had and still have zero memory of signing it. There was my name. It is my signature but I have no memory of it.

2. On all the worksheets that I filled out, the social worker's notes etc. there was the name of my daughter's father. I told them his name, gave a physical description of him and the state he was in. When they asked for information about him I told them everything I knew. But, on the final adoption papers it says Father: unknown. Now did they do that so they wouldn't have to search for him and get his consent for the adoption? What would have happened if they searched for him? Would everything have turned out differently? Unknown father? A big fat lie. They had his name.

3. My daughter's first name on the papers was Baby Girl. I didn't give her a name officially. I was told that it wasn't necessary since the adopting couple had a name picked out and she would be named right away. I had a name for her in my heart but I never gave it to the agency. I was also told that she would go from the hospital straight to the adoptive couple's home. These were nothing but lies. She went from the hospital to a foster home for 7 weeks before going to her parents home. When my daughter saw the adoption papers she said the thing that really upset her was finding out that she was a nameless, parentless baby for the first 7 weeks of her life. It breaks my heart every time I think about it.

When my daughter was 5 days old I was back in my childhood bedroom, in my parents house, on the bed, on my knees with my arms wrapped around my belly, rocking and crying uncontrollably - I want my baby, I want my baby, I want my baby - over and over and over again. I remember it like it was yesterday. I don't know how long I was in that position crying those words but it seemed like forever. At the very same time I was in that agony my baby girl was lying in a crib 2 hours away from me in a foster home probably crying for me. No one, mother or child should ever have to go through that. No one. Ever.

All I have to say is AMEN!

This post says it all so there's nothing for me to add right now. Robin has done a wonderful job of giving us the facts so please read and pass it along so we can share the facts with others.

Thanks

History Waiting

History Waiting

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It's universal. We make family trees, we talk to and honor our ancestors, we trace the people that came before us, it's important enough to make reality shows about it - Searching For..., Who Do You Think You Are. We have websites about researching our ancestry.

Why is it that in adoption the biological connection isn't considered very important but in the rest of society it's huge? The adoption industry wants people to think that it doesn't matter how the family is formed - a person's roots are meaningless, what matters is who is there to change diapers and play ball. Of course parenting well is important, but many times adoptees are expected to consider their history to be from their adopted family. Good parenting should also include being honest with our children about who they are. I grew up thinking I was half Cuban. I thought my history was in Santiago de Cuba and Cayey, Puerto Rico. I thought I was a combo of the two islands - Cubarican if you will. Well, turns out the Cuban side was the adopted side. That's not actually my history. I love my dad and I do have an interest in where he came from and what that means but it's not the biology of who I am.

The biology of who I am makes me wonder if I look like Aunt Shelley. Do I have any of Uncle Tommy in me? When I look at photos of my children I see the same chin on all 3 of them and I see it in 2 of my grandchildren. There's a thread of continuity there that's important. Maybe some of the features that I passed down to my daughter lost to adoption are the same features from the father and family I never knew. When my daughter's first son was born she was looking for the very first time, into the eyes of a person who was biologically related to her. That's huge because her roots had been cut off from her. And, when her first son was born I wasn't there. I had no idea I was becoming a grandmother for the first time. I now have 4 grandchildren, 3 of them live in another state but I have contact with them, they're part of my life. The youngest is almost 9 months old and lives nearby. When I look at her I wonder about the grandmother that was taken from me when I was a baby. How did she feel knowing she had a grandbaby out there that she couldn't see? When I look at my little granddaughter I can't imagine being cut off from her. What did it do to my grandmother to be cut off from me completely. Was her grieving similar to the way I grieved when I lost my daughter?

Some of these broken links were the result of family decisions and some were because of the adoption industry. It's not ok for people in a money-making industry to make decisions about who we connect with and who we don't. Closed adoption is not ok. Closing an open adoption is not ok. It's not ok that I found out about my own adoption when I was 26 yrs old. It's not ok that my daughter had to wait 22 years to find out her own history.

There are still a lot of histories waiting.

Preserving Families

A lovely lady in Gatesville, TX wrote to me to tell me about this organization alley's house. Their mission:

"Empowering teen mothers and their children to achieve independence through support services, education and mentoring."

Yes! In traveling through their site I couldn't find any indication that they were promoting adoption. They're a group of people dedicated to helping young moms by giving them support, help with goals, structure, education, parenting etc.... Just imagine how many families could be preserved if there were more places like this. Imagine how many mothers could keep and raise their children well if more federal dollars went to places like this instead of toward pushing the adoption agenda through huge tax incentives, grants and loans.

Convincing a poor, young, single mother to surrender her baby does not in any way help that mother. It causes heartache, despair, anxiety, depression and sometimes even suicide. Supporting her through programs with volunteer mentors, helping her to get her diploma and go on to college is going to allow her to raise her child and make a better life for herself. Unlike the adoption agencies who use college scholarships to entice mothers to surrender their babies, these folks believe you can keep your child and get educated.

I'm all for that. If anyone else knows of an organization similar to this one, please let me know. I'd like to add them to the list of resources for single moms.

Me and the girls

There was a show on a few years ago called the Gilmore Girls. My daughter Sarah and I would be glued to this show every Tuesday night for 7 seasons. The main characters were Lorelei and Rory - mother and daughter, and it was about their relationship. At the time the show was on Sarah was about the same age as Rory so there we were mother and daughter watching mother and daughter. I also have to confess that we love the show so much we now have all the seasons on dvd and the boxes travel from my house to Sarah's and back again and we're still not tired of watching, much to our husband's dismay. The show had really great writers, it was smart and funny.

Anyway, the point is, the mom/daughter relationship wasn't the only reason this show resonated with me. In the story line Lorelei was 16 when she got pregnant, didn't like the plan her parents made for her, which was to marry her boyfriend so she left with her baby. She was taken in by a woman who gave her a place to stay and a job that would let her have some flexibility so she could care for her baby. Basically she had support, she had some help so could keep and raise her daughter. The writers on the show never mentioned the "adoption option" and I often wondered why. Maybe they thought it would be too deep emotionally, although they did get into other tough topics. They also got into Lorelei's struggling relationship with her parents - the after effects of her pregnancy and running away. There was plenty for me to connect with in this story.

During the years of watching I often fantasized about what it would have been like to have had that kind of support. What would it have been like if I had just been given a chance? I know it would've been hard but maybe I would've ended up sitting there on Tuesday nights with both my daughters watching the show. When I see girls now talking about the reasons they surrendered their babies to adoption or why they're thinking about surrender I just want to cry. I want to warn them, I want to shake them awake. The main reasons are usually.....

"I can't give my child the life he deserves"

"The adoptive parents are better off financially"

"My child should have 2 parents"

"I'm not ready to parent"

So, the first one - what exactly does that mean - the life he deserves? What a child deserves is the mother who gave birth to him. He deserves to be loved by the woman who nurtured him in her body for 9 months, the one who loved him before he was born. He deserves to know where he came from, to grow up seeing the faces of others who look like him and have mannerisms like him, who walk like him and have similar tastes as him. He deserves to know the other folks in his tribe.

Reason number two - they're better off financially. Well, there's always someone better off financially. There's always going to be someone who has more money than you. It's all relative. Money comes and goes, situations change. Adoptive parents can lose jobs too. They're not immune to crisis. Mothers should not lose their children because they're poor. Children should not lose their mothers because their mothers are poor. Ask about resources. Ask for help.

Number three.... having 2 parents. In a perfect world maybe but we don't live in one of those. Adoptive parents get divorced or one of them dies. There's no guarantees in this life. Single moms can and do raise children every day. So do single dads. No, it's not easy but the really hard stuff in the beginning is temporary. Your status as a single person could possibly change too.

And finally - not ready? Honey, no one is every ready for being a parent. Those 9 months of pregnancy is you getting ready. Your body is preparing and during that time you can be getting your environment ready, putting a plan into action. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world and the best job in the world and you don't want to miss out on it. It's day by day and that's how you learn. The joy of having your child with you and watching her grow will far outweigh any hardship you encounter.

Adoptive parents are not superhuman. They're people just like the rest of us - some split up, have problems, some are loving and some are not. With some support to get started you are capable of taking care of your child. You have no idea what you're in for when you surrender a child. No, it doesn't get easier over time. When the agencies tell you that it's a lie. The grieving goes on and on. Having an open adoption doesn't mean it will stay open. That's also a lie. Don't get all your information from adoption agencies and their counselors. Don't base your decision on pretty brochures with lovely photos of smiling PAP faces, picket fences and puppies. These are nothing more than ads designed by marketers. All they're saying is "pick me, pick me". Don't allow yourself to be matched with a couple and be pushed into a relationship with them when you're pregnant. Don't allow them into the hospital when you're in labor, in delivery or your room afterward. All of these things are designed to manipulate you into doing what they want - giving them your baby. The main thing is find out about all your options not just the "adoption option".

I love that the writers of the Gilmore Girls created a character who was strong and followed her heart, someone who got help and raised her daughter as a single mom. Yeah, I know it's only a tv show but it was a positive example out there in tv land of a mom who kept her baby and raised her well. I appreciate that.

Half Blank

My husband and I were talking/dreaming the other day about a trip we'd like to take. He's been to Europe but I've never been. I'd like him to show me the sights - you know - do the tourist thing, see castles and country side, maybe do a river cruise. It's not something we can do anytime soon but for the fun of adding to the dream I thought I'd look into the requirements for a passport. I've never needed one before so I never thought about it. The first thing I noticed was the requirement for the original birth certificate and that the date on the certificate had to be within one year of the date of birth.

Well, my birth certificate is amended and is dated several years after my birth because I was adopted by my Dad. He's the only Dad I've ever known but he's not my natural father. I guess this makes me an adoptee-lite along with being a natural mother. I haven't talked about this other connection I have with adoption before because of the conditioning I grew up with. I didn't even find out about my adoption until I was 26 years old and here I am - 52 and just now talking about it - it took another 26 years. My family felt there was such a stigma connected to adoption that they didn't want anyone to know, even me - the one most affected.

Since becoming involved with the adoption community I've read stories from adoptees about finding out the truth as an adult. I can relate. Although I was raised by my mother and knew her side of the family, there is still another entire family I know very little about. To find out that you are not who you think you are is mind blowing. It's like your world tilts on it's axis and nothing is the same again. I remember one of the first thoughts I had was.... wow, I'm not really Cuban? that's just bizarre. Even the simple act of looking in the mirror changes. I didn't think any differently about Dad and I didn't/don't love him any less, it just brought another whole element into the equation about my identity. When I think about how much the news affected me, I can really feel for the adoptees who find this out when they're older and have zero information about either side of their natural families.

At the time I found out about my adoption it was 6 years after losing my daughter and my third child was just under a year old. I was trying to raise 2 little ones and keep my self together in dealing with the loss of my baby girl. There was a lot going on to say the least so I stewed on it for a while but then put it away. I had to focus on my kids. Now that I've started this blog, talk to other people in the adoption constellation, write letters and comments to people about access to OBC's for adoptees, all this stuff about my own adoption comes rushing back to the forefront. I don't know what that means for me. I'd like to find out more about my natural father's family. Maybe it'll mean no passport for me, not sure in my situation. I haven't researched enough yet to know.

There's been a lot of talk about Oprah's mother and her shame. I understand. It seems like it doesn't matter what angle you're coming from there's shame and secrecy involved. No more lies, no more shame, no more hiding. Done already.

The Show

Well, there's already lots of writing and talking about Oprah's show yesterday so I'm not going to go into all the details here but I did want to put some thoughts down. I watched it at first with trepidation. Since I was at work all day and had to watch it late last night I didn't want to end up crying, angry or both right before wanting to sleep. Getting a good night's sleep doesn't happen that often anyway so adding some late night stress doesn't help.

So..... what was I worried about? I was worried that the stereotypes were going to rear their ugly heads. I had never seen any of the shows she's done previously on adoption but I heard that she was very pro-adoption. I just didn't know what to expect. As it turns out I thought it was a good show. At first I sensed, and it may just be my perception, that Oprah was angry with her mother when she talked about confronting her with the story. If that's so, I can understand it to a degree. Finding something out this huge, so many years later, is truly unsettling. But then later in the show, it was a relief for me when Oprah had her epiphany regarding the shame that her mother must have felt. I thought it was important that she acknowledge what so many natural mothers experience and why there are some who are reluctant to face their past. I also thought it important that the issue of poverty was discussed as the reason for the adoption.

I was pleased that Patricia was able to explain how she felt about being adopted, what it meant to her to find her family and other family members were able to express how the situation affected them. I thought the topic was handled with dignity and I loved it when Patricia said it (reunion) should be handled within the family. Yes! She was referring to the possible media circus of course because of Oprah's celebrity status but to me that means the government and agencies need to stay out of it when an adoptee wants an OBC or adoption records. What they do with those records then is their business.

Anyway, I thought the show was done well. I think Oprah will now have a new perpective on adoption and what it does to people, that's what happens when something hits close to home. I wish all of them the best in getting to know their families.