Today is my oldest daughter's birthday and this week marks 10 years since we reunited. You would think that after 10 years a person would get used to the feeling of waking up and just being happy about their child's birthday. I know that seems like a weird thing to say and don't get me wrong, of course I'm over the moon that I have her in my life and I'm thrilled that I can actually say Happy Birthday to her. The difference for us, meaning us mothers who have lost children to adoption, is there doesn't seem to be a way to shut off completely the emotion of what those birthdays meant for so long. Or maybe it's just me and I'm making an assumption that other reunited mothers feel this way.
For the first 22 years of her life her birthday meant incredible pain. The entire month was about grieving. It's like the loss that I had to hide the rest of the year came ripping to the surface, broke through and destroyed me. The only way to get through it was to cry my eyes out until I was swollen with grief yet felt shriveled and wrinkled like a dried out dishrag.
Those years are no more but there still remains the remnants of what they did to me. It's like a muscle memory. It's an automatic reaction. The memories come back to haunt and make the day bitter sweet. Right now my focus is to be thankful that I can look back and say those years are behind me now and hopefully I can continue to look forward to many more Aprils when I can say Happy Birthday dear Liz.
Happy birthday to your daughter, Liz!! Im so happy you do not have to spend this day like the days before you found each other again!!
ReplyDeleteI wondered the same thing in February, if my husband's BM thought of him on the day he entered the world, or if she just let it pass by like another day. I see his pain, now I see even more pain as he looks at our daughters & probably wonders if they look like her... Who is she?... That will always be an unanswered question as long as Texas keeps it's laws the same. We need change, at least a little hope, until then each year will pass without a thought, or will it? We don't know... But would like to!!
ReplyDeletePersonally I can't imagine a mother not thinking of her child on his birthday, whether she's in his life or not. My guess is she's thought of him every single year and the days in between.
DeleteYes, things do have to change. Have you thought of working with a search angel? Maybe you could get help with a search.
Nit to pick: You do know BM also stands for bowel movement, right?
Delete...I live for the day when it's okay to just call them mothers.
Thanks Dana! of all the titles, I prefer natural mom. But i have been known to say the real mother.
DeleteHappy Birthday to Liz ~ and happy birth day to you.
ReplyDeleteNext month I will celebrate the fourth birthday with my son since we were reunited. It is bittersweet for me also... I thought that I could finally reclaim May since I had him back in my life ~ but it's still a very difficult month for me.
Mine wasn't infant adoption but grandparent adoption under duress. My son was almost three when he left me with a promise that I could have him back when I got back on my feet. That promise came to naught. And I hate March. March is the month he was born. It is also the month his father (my ex) was born, and the month his paternal grandmother (the child-thief who eventually adopted him) was born, and it just so happens the day she walked out the door with my boy coincided with my son's father's birthdate. Lots of bad days that month--oh, and my wedding anniversary. So I just don't do much thinking that month.
ReplyDeleteI did the gut-wrenching crying the first year he was gone. It would occasionally come back and slap me upside the head when I wasn't looking for it, after. But mostly I just went around angry with a huge chip on my shoulder all the time. It has nearly completely destroyed my life.
I'm hoping March becomes a month to celebrate again. He'll be 18 in two years. He knows I exist.
Dana, I'm so sorry. We all figure out our own way of dealing with the cruelty of how we and our children were treated. I hope you and your son come together soon. (((hugs)))
DeleteOf all the stories, so sorry Dana. I prayed my heart out every chance for her. Absolutely no one should have to wait til 18, they and we need each other way before then. Dana get the book adoption healing by joe sole reunions are a bit of work. (specially if raised by someone so ammoral) god bless you dana.
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