Wednesday, May 9, 2018

There, I fixed it for them

One of the things that makes me crazy is the blatant coercion that agencies use to lure in single, pregnant women. I can't even count the number of times I've heard that expectant mothers always have a choice. "No one held a gun to your head" is a common line. "You're the one who signed the papers" is another one. Why don't people understand that coercion takes many forms and sometimes that gun is shaped like this simple piece of paper.

I was poking around online the other day and came across this agency site. One of the most reliable "guns" in their arsenal is this piece of paper. Can you imagine being a young woman, single, pregnant, not knowing where to find resources or who to turn to? You think you found help and are then faced with this worksheet. Do you think the agency is going to give the woman information about where she can find resources to parent? Of course not. They're just going to show her this list and explain to her why the HAPs are so much better than she is. They'll grind down her resolve number by number until she surrenders.

So here, I printed the form and filled it out for them. This is what a mother has to offer. This is what every expectant mom needs to put on her list.

And for those who can't read my messy handwriting....

  1. Love
  2. The safety of remaining with the only heartbeat and voice she knows.
  3. Health benefit of mother's milk.
  4. True birth certificate with all rights intact.
  5. True identity and name.
  6. Forever relationship with extended family.
  7. Forever relationship with siblings.
  8. Freedom from the damage of separation trauma.
  9. Medical history.
10. Genetic mirroring.
11. Freedom from the feeling of abandonment.
12. Knowledge that her mother did everything in her power to keep her and love her.
13. Knowledge that she'll never have to worry about APs closing an open adoption and keeping her          family from her.

My guess is, a child would be pretty damn happy with mom's list and glad they both dodged the adoption bullet.


  1. Beautiful. Thank you for fixing that. :)

  2. You've done what we all would have loved to have done. Thank you.

    1. It's what I wish I were able to do 38 years ago. That's why they're so successful with this coercion. When you're young, vulnerable and don't know you're strong enough to stand up for yourself it's easy for them to take our babies.

  3. I think this is important to know for any single mother to know.coercoin is differently in the adoption business..I'm a single mom who takes of my daughter and they won't let me see my son for my visitation or have my updates

    1. Julia, I'm so sorry they've done this to you and your son. Adoption sucks!

  4. I remember being told that I would never be able to offer my child bicycles and ballet lessons. That I'd be condemning my child to a life of poverty.

    My husband and I adopted a daughter, and I made sure she had bikes and ballet lessons. She went to boarding school, and an Ivy League college. Meanwhile, my surrendered daughter went to a local college and lived at home, and didn't have ballet lessons. Hah! I did better!!

    Coercion takes many forms. Being told you will deprive your child of things, that she will always be called a bastard, that no one will accept her if you keep her, that you will be an inadequate mother -- that's coercion you don't see. A gun to your head you would recognize as coercion!

    1. Exactly Karen! My daughter was taken from me because I was single. Her adoptive parents divorced when she was 3 and the mother never remarried. She ended up being raised by a single mother anyway. With me she would have been raised by her mother, a step-dad and her 2 natural siblings. This form is just one piece of the coercive tactics they use. They said all those same things to me too.

  5. Thankyou, I wish you could have filled such a paper out for my mom and I back in 69/70 at RWH in Melbourne Australia.