Wednesday, November 7, 2012

No thanks

I do and don't like this article. When I see the words "A word of thanks" I want to just cringe, or puke. When I read this article my heart ached for this little boy and for the mother who felt she had to let him go but I also feel for this adoptive mother who has to answer the questions and figure out what's best for the little boy that she and another mother share.

For me, as a mother who lost a child to adoption, I don't want to hear "thank you". I don't want to hear that I gave a "gift" of my daughter to the adoptive parents. I didn't give a gift. A gift is given freely. It's given with the intent of making the recipient happy without any return expected. Well, it did make the recipient happy but it wasn't given freely and willingly. When we give a gift we think about it ahead of time, we have fun planning and thinking about how that *object* would be received by the person. Giving a gift makes you feel good inside. There's joy in seeing the recipients face when they open the gift. You know that you made someone happy. In the case of adoption, many times the mother knows that she made the adoptive parents happy but she didn't give freely. She gave out of desperation. Was she deceived into thinking that this would make the adoptee happy? Is the adoptee expected to be happy/grateful that he was adopted?

"But of course, “Thank you” isn't quite right, is it? Adoption isn't a special gift on a birthday or a kind favor from a friend. It's a beautiful union often born of two griefs—the grief of the birthmother on parting with her own flesh and the grief of the adoptive parents after years of struggles and loss. It's a blessing and a wonderful solution. But behind the beauty, there is grief. And curiosity."

I don't like that this little boy is adopted. I don't like that his mother wasn't given help to keep her son. I don't like that this adoptive mother thought it would be easiest to not have to deal with photos to send to his mother or updates to keep up with through the agency. That just screams of selfishness to me. I just can't see adoption as a "blessing and a wonderful solution". I do appreciate though that this adoptive mother recognizes and admits that this is a very difficult road for all involved. She's now realizing what this means to this little boy who is questioning his roots. She's opening her heart to understanding that his mother didn't give her a gift. She's giving thought to how his mother feels and knows that she's thinking of him. She's promising her son that when the time comes she will help him to find his mother.

My thoughts are with all of them.

1 comment:

  1. That was a good article. I wish more adoptive parents would be so understanding of their adopted child's natural curiosity, as well as of the natural mom's great loss and grief. Thanks for sharing this Carlynne!