Thursday, May 10, 2012

Please don't thank me!

"Thank you for my child" This is one of those statements that makes me want to hurl. I see it all the time on adoptive parent sites and articles about adoption like this one. In this situation the adoptive mother says that the reason the natural parents of this little boy was surrendering their rights to him was because they couldn't afford a second child. Then she says...

"On the way to the hospital, only silence. The couple was so excited, but the two couldn’t express their feelings with words. So they stayed quiet during the car ride. The two knew the mother could change her mind at any time, and that her family did not want her to place the baby for adoption."

This child has extended family that want to be with him. They don't want to lose this little person who shares their DNA, who is part of their family. If they're expressing their desire for the mother to keep the baby then maybe they would be willing to help the mother. Yes, I know that this is ultimately the decision of the mother and father of that child, not the decision of the extended family but what I want to know is... were the parents coerced by an agency? Will they regret this in a very big way and regret it soon? 

Another thing I'm seeing online is people complaining that there's so much coercion going on in the other direction, meaning women being coerced into keeping their children. Frankly I have a hard time imagining anyone being coerced to keep their own baby. I know there are some mothers out there who really don't want their children. They do exist but I'll bet they are few and far between. In my case, all it would have taken was one sentence from my family - bring her home, we'll handle this together - that's it. Seven little words would have made all the difference in the world for so many lives.

"The baby was in a little bassinette next to her. I thought, ‘Oh no, the baby is right next to her.’ But then she said, ‘There he is.’ And so I walked over to her first and I hugged her. Then I went around to the bassinette.
“I peeked in, and I saw him. Oh, I just melted. I thought, ‘That’s my son.’ Like there, that’s him. He’s ours. And so at that point the papers aren’t signed yet. She has 24 to 48 hours to change her mind. But I picked him up and I held him."
My first thought here was - no, that's not your son, that's her son. 'Oh no, the baby is right next to her' - that tells me that her first thought was fear. Fear that if the mother got too close to her own baby she might change her mind. And, she only has 24 to 48 hours to change her mind - something else that is morally and ethically wrong with adoption as it is now.
This entire article was about the wants of this adopting couple without any regard whatsoever for the child OR the natural family.
“We got back to the hospital and Hannah meets us downstairs. She tells me that the birth mom was upstairs crying. She said that was the first time she ever saw her cry, and she said the birth mom looked down over Mason and she cried over him, and, um, that was sad. Because I thought, I could never give up my child.”
While telling the story, Rachel wiped tears from her cheeks. The memory is intensely sad to this woman who waited so long to have the chance to be a mother.
and, um, that was sad. Because I thought, I could never give up my child.”  
"That was sad."
"I could never give up my child."
Then why are you asking this mother to do it? What is it that's happening in your mind that makes it ok for you to put your needs ahead of this child's right to be with his mother. What is it in your mind that makes it ok for you to take a newborn baby away from his mother while she cries her heart out in agony? Do you think that your desire to be a mother is more important than the connection between this little baby and his mother? Apparently so. The author of this article thinks it's intensely sad for this woman who waited so long to be a mother. I'm sorry. I'm having a bit of trouble sympathizing with the author or the adoptive mother right now. What about the sadness of the natural mother and the pain she'll be dealing with for the rest of her life? What about the sadness of this child who has lost an entire family?
From this mother of adoption loss, I don't want to hear 'thank you'. 


  1. I think about this child's mother and her pain revealed through her tears. And the adoptive mother who thought it was sad because SHE could never give up her child. This was not HER child. She couldn't even wait until Mom's bleeding stopped or hormones had shifted before she took home the baby that she wanted so desperately. And as that child is ripped from his mother the adopted mother can sleep well knowing that mom had 72 hours to make a decision that will most likely devastate her and her family the rest of their lives and leave her son wondering why mommy did not want him. And to be there so soon after birth to make sure that she claimed the child is horrible to me. She was fearful that the child's own mother would take time to realize that she could parent and leave her childless. So of course she swooped up and claimed him while mom was still recovering from child birth. Shameful.

  2. Oh the "thanking" really gets to me as well.

    And this ap - vomitrocious behaviour to put it politely. Can we say predator enough?! Sheesh, this mother has barely given birth and she's all over her... but then my daughter's adopters were the same and ignored requests to leave me alone and showed up at the hospital anyway... sickos.

    The selfishness and entitlement factor oozing from this pap/adoptress is revolting. Adopters should NOT be allowed in hospitals. It is a disgusting practise that is part of the coercion business and should be ceased immediately. No wonder mothers don't feel they have freedom to make up their mind.

    And the whole "coerced to parent" think is a crock. No such thing. There is such a thing as mothers being forced to face their responsibilities but forced to parent?! Huh! If thats what they are saying then its just an excuse they are using and they need to be honest with themselves about why they feel that.

  3. My son's adopter said that she was grateful that she could be a mother, thanks to "my gift". Funny, she didn't seem so "grateful" after I found my child then proceed to treat me as an unwelcome and uninvited intruder. They are only grateful until they get what they want, then become very, very "ungrateful" and hateful.

    My child was no gift and I will never accept a thank you. An apology for the abhorrent way I was treated would be nice; but I know that will never happen...

  4. When I met my daughter's adoptive mother after finding my daughter, she admitted that she knew I was not happy about my daughter being adopted. She knew my parents were the ones making the decision. She even knew I was asking the social worker for advice about keeping my baby. But that did not cause her to intervene on my behalf (or on behalf of my daughter) and tell the social workers she was uncomfortable taking a child from a mother who was being coerced.

    I do wonder, how do adopters like these sleep at night--knowing that they were in part responsible for a kidnapping of sorts. How much are they really adopting because it in their child's best interest? To me it is clear that adopters like these are only thinking about their own desires. What a responsibility for the child to have to live up to. They start their lives having lost their mother and gaining a different mother who has heavy expectations that they fill her emotional void.

    As Myst says...being coerced to parent is a crock. Young women need to be supported to keep their babies. Most, given the necessary help, want to keep their babies. It sickens me that these coercive tactics of obtaining babies at all costs are still at work today.

  5. Thank you all for your comments. This article bothered me so much I couldn't let it go. When I found my daughter and reunited her adoptive mother didn't thank me BUT she did tell me that I should be thankful I didn't have to raise her!!! She said she was a difficult child to raise. It's been 10 yrs since she said that it still gets me.

  6. " BUT she did tell me that I should be thankful I didn't have to raise her!!! She said she was a difficult child to raise."

    That's a very triggering comment for me as an adoptee. Sounds like conditional love. As if you would only want a child because s/he was easy to raise not because you loved her solely because she IS your child.

  7. I understand Robin. As her mother it's something I've never been able to get out of my head. Thankfully, she did not say it front of my daughter! I can't imagine how that would've made her feel.

  8. I cannot bear this article. How unconscionable that this child was given up for adoption when he had extended family who wanted him. How I would have loved to have been raised by an aunt and uncle, to have been kept in my clan where I belonged. And to read this article that is so slanted to how wonderful adoption is when the PAPs knew that the first mother didn't want to give up HER child. Based on the information given, I think this first mother is going to regret this for the rest of her life.

    We must do something about this awful American attitude that the biological/genetic connection doesn't matter. And heaven help us if an infertile woman's long desire to have a child trumps all of the advantages to the child of being kept in his original family.

    Oh and another thing, keep the PAPs out of the hospital room. Even if they meet the child when he is 10 minutes old it doesn't make them any more his original parents than if he was placed at 10 weeks.