Thursday, May 3, 2012

Another day in the life

Opening up more conversation. This is what happens when word starts getting out. Documentaries start getting made and people start talking about it. I have family visiting from out town right now and when they ask about my daughter and how she's doing, it's another opportunity to share what I've been up to with this blog and about the Dan Rather Reports program. I did share and was able to help some loved ones understand more about what goes on in adoptoland. It was a good talk, they were receptive to what I had to say. They were compassionate and understanding.

Today we got together again and of course like so many other people, every one knows someone who either adopted or is an adoptee and has a story to share. This happened today. I don't usually mind. Sometimes I can use that as a lead in to a discussion about adoption reality but today it just didn't seem to be the right thing to do. Maybe because my mother was sitting right there with us. It's always difficult when that happens. The talk then turned to someone they (meaning my parents) knew who had adopted 2 children and then got pregnant. The natural child of the couple then died. Resulting comment - "that child was so wanted". What does that mean? Does it mean that the 2 adopted children weren't wanted? Does it mean that the adopted children were wanted but not quite as much as the child they gave birth to? Does it mean that if they HAD to lose a child why did it have to be THAT one - the one that they gave birth to instead of adopting? Maybe I'm reading way too much into the comment. I don't know but that's how it comes across to me.

Then I hear... "there's nothing worse in this world than losing a child". Well of course that's true whether it be through death or adoption. When I hear those words coming from my mother, that's when I shut down. All I could say was - "uh yeah, I know". Result = awkward silence. Other family member changes subject.

Another day in the life of living with adoption.


5 comments:

  1. When I hear somebody say, there is nothing worse than losing a child, I say nothing. If she knows me well enough to realize I have done that twice, first an apology, then silence...I say, it's all right....I'm used to this.

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    1. (((Lorraine))) Sometimes there are just no words.

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  2. I don't think you are reading way too much into the comment at all. The ideal is that an adopted child will be considered just as valuable, just as important, etc. as a natural born child. However, I don't that the majority of people who are outside of the adoption 'triad' really feel that way. They may say they do, they may think they do but when push comes to shove most people do see a biological child as being the parents' real child. Whereas an adopted child is well the ADOPTED KID. This is part of the stigma that adoptees deal with frequently. I often find myself feeling like I have to explain, to educate what being adopted means. It gets tiring and annoying. For as much lip service as most people give to how wonderful adoption is, they really do see the adopted child differently (and often in a negative way) than a bio-child.

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    1. Thanks for your thoughts on this Robin. Sometimes I think I'm just too sensitive, especially when my family is involved. I'd say it was a 50/50 split between them and the church as far as the coercion involved in me losing my daughter. Because of that, and the fact that I live in the same town with my immediate family, I have to deal with comments on a regular basis. It can be difficult. Add to that the fact that I'm also a LDA - I was adopted by my step-father but didn't find out until 6 yrs after losing my daughter. *SMH*

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  3. I can only speak as an adoptive parent but I can't imagine loving my adopted daugher any more than if I had given birth, even though I missed her first 6 1/2 years. I wish I had been there since the beginning, but she didn't need a new mother then. Having never given birth, I don't really honestly know how that type of bond feels. I do know that many people are insensitive about all of it. I once knew a mother who gave birth to several and adopted several special needs children that were in foster care, one of whom died. Comments at the funeral included, "So glad it wasn't your own." She was appalled, as was I.

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