Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Just thinking, it's my blog - I'm entitled.

We talk a lot about the PAP's and the sense of entitlement to other people's babies that some of them have. They're the ones who drive the demand for infant adoption. In my last post I talked about what adoptees are entitled to. Lately, I've been thinking about mothers and their entitlement. Well, of course they're entitled to raise their own children. That should go without saying. Unfortunately, it seems we do have to remind people of that fact. What's even sadder to me is it seems like we need to remind mothers of that.

Girls and young women are being convinced to let their children go. You know the coercive tactics that are used against them - language, pre-birth matching, etc.... but I wonder sometimes about the ones who absolutely insist that they're handing their babies over to other people to raise because they're just not ready to parent right now. They claim loudly that they have no regrets and how dare anyone suggest otherwise. Is not being quite ready a good enough reason? How are their children going to feel about that when they find out why they were left behind by their mother? Have any of them thought about that? This is once again, more proof that the adoption industry is not about children.

So, when a mother says she's "not ready to parent"(I see this line all the time) what is it she's going to do instead of love and care for her baby - go to school? get a different job or work on the career? take time to play and be young? Well yeah, that all sounds good. Then when she's done getting the degree (the one she got with the scholarship given to her in exchange for her baby) she's left standing there with a diploma framed nicely on the wall and empty arms. Will she think it's worth it then? I have a hard time comprehending anyone who can be comfortable trading their child for a degree. Maybe down the road she'll wake up and realize what she's done. Of course then it's too late, the damage is done.

I remember hearing that it would be selfish to keep my baby, that she would be much better off with other people. This is the line still being used but when I hear women say "I'm not ready to parent", who's needs are they talking about here? They're not talking about the needs of their child. They're talking about what they are ready to do or not ready to do. They're still talking about their own needs, not what's good for that child, which is to be with their own natural family. Oh, they say they're doing it for the sake of the child but then say.... "I'm not ready". There was a time when women got pregnant they spent those months getting ready - physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, whatever she needed to do she did it. Once a baby is born you learn how to deal with motherhood one day at a time. Everyone is nervous about being a parent. It comes with the territory but you learn. There's a part of me that feels so sad for these mothers and knows that they've been worked over by the industry and when they do wake up years down the road, what they've done is going to hit them like a ton of bricks. Then there's the part of me that just wants to shake them and tell them to quit being so damned self-absorbed. Grow up and deal. Think about what this is going to do to your children.

So, here's the industry telling PAP's that they have the right to a child - someone else's child. They encourage that sense of entitlement. Then they're telling the young pregnant woman that she has the right to her freedom unencumbered by the hassle of child rearing. They encourage that sense of entitlement by reminding her of how hard it's going to be, how much she'll struggle and they'll conveniently leave out the info about the resources available to help her keep her child. And.... there sits the agency in the middle feeling very entitled to the cash.


  1. I certainly cannot speak for first mothers, not being one, but it occurs to me that the reason "it's the selfless thing to do" works is because these mothers are young and very unsure to begin with. Of course the baby would be better off if she was older and ready, but that doesn't always happened. And a young frightened girl who has little or no support system is very easy to convince that "everyone" would be better off if she relinguished her baby, especially the child. Then, later when she is older, more sure of herself, she realizes with horror what she has done.

    I was not planned and neither were any of my 5 siblings. My parents were young and had no mony, never did in their entire lives. I have a very close family for which I am extremely grateful.

    To Carlynne and all first mothers, you should be proud of what you are doing to prevent another mother making the same mistake that most of you did not even choose but were forced into making.

  2. Yes Kelli, that's exactly what happens. That's why the coercion works so well, she's young and vulnerable. What I find the most distressing is the mothers who relinquished their children 5, 10 or more years ago who are still out there telling the world online that they are happy with their decisions and still have no regrets. One one hand, maybe it's best that someone like that didn't raise that child but at the same time, can you imagine how that child will feel when he finds out how happy mom was to NOT raise him? Sometimes it does take years before waking up to what's been done, I just hope mother and child can recover from it.

  3. I have a friend that has that issues still - she believes she was not ready. Sadly, her son is paying the price. For me, I was ready...or at least in the care and raising department, not the monetary department. I really don't know anyone that had all the money that they think that they need for a baby. Sadly, babies don't care if you buy them the "best" of everything, they care only if you love them and are there.

    I was coerced in the most horrid form - they threatened my daughter. Nothing like choosing life and ending up with a child that hate you....sigh...