I am a first mother. This is another voice out there in the void hoping to be heard and understood. This is another voice hoping to make a difference and maybe even prevent another young mother from going through the hell that is being a mother of adoption loss. I'm not going to tell my whole story right here, right this minute but it will come out in dribs and drabs, sometimes even in big messy Jackson Pollock-ish plops. Maybe if more of us speak out, tell our stories and talk about what people do to other people, something will eventually change.
Adoption is a word I wish I'd never heard. 30 years ago I found out what it meant and unfortunately I only had an inkling of how devastating that word could be. I lost my daughter to adoption in 1980. Recently I read a comment on a site by a man who was quite annoyed at that phrase - lost to adoption. Yes sir, I lost her. No, I didn't misplace her. Yes, I signed the surrender papers and NO, it was not what I wanted to do. So many people have this notion that because we signed the surrender papers we actually made the choice to do so.
One option and one option only does not = choice.
The word choice implies there are multiple options. That's not the case for most mothers of adoption loss. We were backed into a corner and that's a very scary place when you're young and pregnant. When you have no money, job, support, husband or place to live you are in a desperate situation. Signing those papers wasn't noble and loving it was coerced. These scenarios are still happening today. There are familial, societal and religious forces coming together to create the perfect storm. Even just 2 of those 3 can alter the course of not just the mother's life but an entire family and not just immediate family but generations on down the line. I know from my own experience what it's like to be caught in that storm and only other mothers can really comprehend what it's like to ride those waves.
Yes, she was lost to me. I lost the first 22 years of her life. I have her back now but I'll never have those first 22 years. I can now hug my adult child but I'll never hold my baby. That gift was taken from me. She wasn't a gift I gave another family. Adoptive families may feel grateful to be able to raise a child and I understand that but I'm certainly not a mother who can say you're welcome.
There are many eloquent voices out there and they can tell the history of adoption so much better than I can. Some are simply sharing their own history. Take a look at the links I've added. I'll be adding more as time goes on.