tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11387210040424870542024-02-07T23:18:46.581-05:00One Option Means No Choice"If now isn't a good time for the truth I don't see when we'll get to it." ~Nikki GiovanniCarlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.comBlogger174125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-31959656560117426612023-11-02T09:22:00.000-04:002023-11-02T09:22:03.934-04:00The real life Handmaid's Tale<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/dVPIm13LY5o" width="320" youtube-src-id="dVPIm13LY5o"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I came across this video on YouTube and wanted to share it. She does a comparison of Ann Fessler's book The Girls Who Went Away to the show The Handmaid's Tale. The parallels are there and scary considering the political climate we're currently in. Have a watch.</div><p></p><p><br /> </p>Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-69933210487949917212023-10-22T14:30:00.000-04:002023-10-22T14:30:56.999-04:00I did an interview for Adoption Uncovered<p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfXK1jqIksBXsEePMEOmTF1QaJxHM61CI_L4-9ZdO3u4-67F5zLX2PO01_KPd_zk_B7sT0vEkUwlgE6ybXSZqC56lDON2A_DkhonmgOoP_mlOQ5fdlEdTf5xdgReIA_COmW_7CkEgkhrzRzK-lnkDueQPf6EfqSKzahY4pWYpPHNTC5finggzV6p90lsI/s997/Screenshot%20(114).png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="261" data-original-width="997" height="84" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfXK1jqIksBXsEePMEOmTF1QaJxHM61CI_L4-9ZdO3u4-67F5zLX2PO01_KPd_zk_B7sT0vEkUwlgE6ybXSZqC56lDON2A_DkhonmgOoP_mlOQ5fdlEdTf5xdgReIA_COmW_7CkEgkhrzRzK-lnkDueQPf6EfqSKzahY4pWYpPHNTC5finggzV6p90lsI/s320/Screenshot%20(114).png" width="320" /></a></div><p>I haven't shared much on here in a while but recently, I was asked to be interviewed on a podcast so I wanted to share it here. This is a podcast by an adoptive mother. Of course I hesitated about doing this interview because.... who knows how this would be spun. I wanted to tell my truth and the truth about what the adoption industry does. I did a call with Charlyn prior to doing the interview because I wanted to get a feeling for how things would go. She was kind and open to learning about my experience. She's an adoptive mom who knows that there are problems with the industry and she's open to learning more about our experiences. She made me feel very comfortable and I was able to talk about the industry the way I needed to without feeling like I would be attacked for it. If you've been online talking about this, then you know that's a big thing.</p><p>https://open.spotify.com/episode/6nEpZGHKlSjd4HoQw36tQG</p><p>Check out the link above to listen. We talked for an hour but it was edited down to about 25 minutes. I really wish that all of our conversation could be included in the podcast but I have no control over that. Many things that I talked about, including birth certificate access, stepparent adoptee issues, Georgia Tann and the origin of sealed records, etc.... were left out. But, the fact that an adoptive mom asked to learn about the problems with adoption, I felt were a good thing. </p>Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-47780755021200171342022-05-08T10:21:00.000-04:002022-05-08T10:21:50.990-04:00The Supreme Court says it's supply and demand.<p>Here it is, Mother's Day, and I'm resurrecting this blog because of the Supreme Court. Instead of thinking about Mother's Day and just hanging out with my son or talking to my daughter on the phone, I'm thinking about how many mothers in this country will have their rights taken away. How many women will have the choice of when they want to be mothers or be able to choose whether or not they WANT to be mothers at all? </p><p>This is page 34 of the Supreme Court opinion that was leaked this past week. It demonstrates exactly what the plan has been all along. Cater to the adoption industry and the evangelicals. The evangelicals want a theocracy and the adoption industry wants more money. The so-called Christian right have been very obvious about wanting to tear down the wall between church and state. What hasn't been so obvious to everyone outside of the adoption reform community is how much the adoption industry plays politics. Well, here ya go.... <b>"and that a woman who puts her newborn up for adoption today has little reason to fear that the baby will not find a suitable home."</b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhidUCeTJk7ki8zLpivt5-kFN9APAN_f58Xpaho3S890hoqjlEvNx844qH7clea36T5GqPYNXuf6gOvqkpx9c-S_yJpBFYHi6CbNsCIzTdysEoMeUDiEMfCIJc21gVjz2tHB59TLl6ij7EKqaozdIxUv32Bu4B5MJdGh2Vme4n7K9ocGV5IpU4D_vG5/s1427/Screenshot_20220507-091056_Facebook.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1427" data-original-width="1010" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhidUCeTJk7ki8zLpivt5-kFN9APAN_f58Xpaho3S890hoqjlEvNx844qH7clea36T5GqPYNXuf6gOvqkpx9c-S_yJpBFYHi6CbNsCIzTdysEoMeUDiEMfCIJc21gVjz2tHB59TLl6ij7EKqaozdIxUv32Bu4B5MJdGh2Vme4n7K9ocGV5IpU4D_vG5/w453-h640/Screenshot_20220507-091056_Facebook.jpg" width="453" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Why? Why shouldn't women who surrender their newborns worry about their babies going to suitable homes? Well, because there are so many people wanting to buy those babies. Read the footnote below that was on the same page.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm5QA_iGJj0iFvIyhrEgNLmzlzqG-6cuQfPuRlWvXZK8_fKF4NcPqezCeyDqF03Uw61Dzs8oaJYXfXN1o6a7FeOK3293cYITgjmsS1UphlZS-RxC9kgqlGf0NCMADCtQDn_0BsGfVKg_omnwQnk5sW-KSoIvkHKnHI9kwBVJRHanz3dlq-ua3muIo-/s680/FB_IMG_1651928636407.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="347" data-original-width="680" height="204" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm5QA_iGJj0iFvIyhrEgNLmzlzqG-6cuQfPuRlWvXZK8_fKF4NcPqezCeyDqF03Uw61Dzs8oaJYXfXN1o6a7FeOK3293cYITgjmsS1UphlZS-RxC9kgqlGf0NCMADCtQDn_0BsGfVKg_omnwQnk5sW-KSoIvkHKnHI9kwBVJRHanz3dlq-ua3muIo-/w400-h204/FB_IMG_1651928636407.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">("[N]early 1 million women were seeking to adopt children in 2002 (i.e. they were in <b><u>demand</u></b> for a child), whereas the <b><u>domestic supply of infants</u> relinquished at birth or within the first month of life and available to be adopted had become virtually nonexistent.</b>")</div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">It's exactly what we've been saying all along. Infant adoption is a supply and demand business. It even says so right there in the Supreme Court opinion. The supply of infants diminished after Roe so of course the adoption industry is lobbying for more supply. People with money want to buy babies. That's what it boils down to. Give the people with money what they want. If you don't have money then tough shit. You don't get to decide if you can go through a pregnancy, even if you know it can cause you harm or kill you. You don't get to decide if you want to be a mother. If you and the baby survive the pregnancy, give your baby to someone who has more than you. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b>When do you ever hear of a wealthy woman relinquishing a newborn to adoption?</b> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">You don't.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b>Do you think a wealthy woman will have a problem accessing an abortion if she wants one?</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b></b>She won't.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b>Please vote like your life depends on it because many, many lives ARE depending on it.</b></div>Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-66693832781743628752020-08-03T10:56:00.000-04:002020-08-03T10:56:51.917-04:00Oh the irony....The picture below was posted on Talk About Adoption's Facebook page.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL7qsqFYaqs7tc7xnYKgcZzm7Qfnj8uah1mYfCG4HLCDLM9lik4EbTqehZzOzNisquNoPPai8R8u0ZPL8I_lyxz5zWRwR5rlHmA-nTWGRm1crKXYyVE4NbXmrrr2w3AvLy2v19pfWvP9Q/s800/117128177_3139782079409735_4253425744575820331_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="800" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL7qsqFYaqs7tc7xnYKgcZzm7Qfnj8uah1mYfCG4HLCDLM9lik4EbTqehZzOzNisquNoPPai8R8u0ZPL8I_lyxz5zWRwR5rlHmA-nTWGRm1crKXYyVE4NbXmrrr2w3AvLy2v19pfWvP9Q/s640/117128177_3139782079409735_4253425744575820331_n.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Along with this picture they posted the paragraphs below.<font face="inherit"> </font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><p style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px 0px 6px;"><i>It’s not just crucial for adoption agencies to be honest and ethical; it’s important for any adoption company, business or facilitator to be honest in their practices, transactions and in their words. That could even include birth moms, adoptees, and adoptive parents who make money off of transactions related to adoption. It’s important who we say we are, who (or what) we support, and how we present ourselves in and outside the adoption realm.</i></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 6px 0px;"><i>Why? Because adoption is already complicated. It’s not just filled with people who are grateful for the option of adoption; it’s also filled with those who are hurt and searching for someone to trust and help them heal. It’s also a community for those who are looking for adoption resources that align with their own personal or moral beliefs. The adoption triad must hold one another accountable in good faith and with the right motives so that we can unite together to make things better... It takes a village. Just be honest.</i></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 6px 0px 0px;"><i><a class="_58cn" data-ft="{"type":104,"tn":"*N"}" href="https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/talkaboutadoption?__eep__=6&source=feed_text&epa=HASHTAG&__xts__%5B0%5D=68.ARBbm5i0BMAjqfa2gUpufOvFTRL4BvSMuZk18nAqhlUOAyySnksHDTWu1tmJ3NguE13k0-uzPdKMYs_hUWenqXeEU10D_ugrTXbyvyklwIOz4QvrYonBsbICBZCqjQVOGT4BPd6WDlCUqJ5ycpBN_0AmlD8zYnB4tnaoFa3r6gi4pvGsyiDmWFu1wXzWKhBzPW2hAas26KkvsuQydmp5FGjiSKVj07qeP6vzO_t4bAbZ3dpY-mBAGPhzNePJ8VzLy7rZPowddWO5rLueK6HpGMj5KbPXRG4ajWAS06dyM1mgDSCjdJoHbu9MBJ8Co8oZP02_9BRaCcNAA-uX-P7TDYtH-Q&__tn__=%2ANK-R" style="color: #385898; cursor: pointer; font-family: inherit; text-decoration-line: none;"><span class="_5afx" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; unicode-bidi: isolate;"><span aria-label="hashtag" class="_58cl _5afz" style="color: #365899; font-family: inherit; unicode-bidi: isolate;">#</span><span class="_58cm" style="font-family: inherit;">TalkAboutAdoption</span></span></a> <a class="_58cn" data-ft="{"type":104,"tn":"*N"}" href="https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/honesty?__eep__=6&source=feed_text&epa=HASHTAG&__xts__%5B0%5D=68.ARBbm5i0BMAjqfa2gUpufOvFTRL4BvSMuZk18nAqhlUOAyySnksHDTWu1tmJ3NguE13k0-uzPdKMYs_hUWenqXeEU10D_ugrTXbyvyklwIOz4QvrYonBsbICBZCqjQVOGT4BPd6WDlCUqJ5ycpBN_0AmlD8zYnB4tnaoFa3r6gi4pvGsyiDmWFu1wXzWKhBzPW2hAas26KkvsuQydmp5FGjiSKVj07qeP6vzO_t4bAbZ3dpY-mBAGPhzNePJ8VzLy7rZPowddWO5rLueK6HpGMj5KbPXRG4ajWAS06dyM1mgDSCjdJoHbu9MBJ8Co8oZP02_9BRaCcNAA-uX-P7TDYtH-Q&__tn__=%2ANK-R" style="color: #385898; 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cursor: pointer; font-family: inherit; text-decoration-line: none;"><span aria-label="hashtag" class="_58cl _5afz" style="color: #365899; font-family: inherit; unicode-bidi: isolate;">#</span><span class="_58cm" style="font-family: inherit;">AdoptionTriad</span></a></span></i></p></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><p style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 6px 0px 0px;"><br /></p></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><p style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; display: inline; margin: 6px 0px 0px;"><font face="inherit">The first thing I thought was - ethical adoption agencies? It's difficult to imagine such a thing. They used the words "company" and "business". What do companies and businesses have to do to keep the doors open? They have to make money. The adoption system is largely unregulated so how can making money and children changing hands be done ethically?</font></p></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><p style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; display: inline; margin: 6px 0px 0px;"><font face="inherit"><br /></font></p></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><p style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; display: inline; margin: 6px 0px 0px;"><font face="inherit">There are several problems with this post but the things that really got me were "the adoption triad must hold one another accountable" and "just be honest". Really?? </font></p></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><p style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; display: inline; margin: 6px 0px 0px;"><font face="inherit"><br /></font></p></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><p style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; display: inline; margin: 6px 0px 0px;"><font face="inherit">I commented on that post:</font></p></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><p style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; display: inline; margin: 6px 0px 0px;"><font face="inherit"><br /></font></p></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><p style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; display: inline; margin: 6px 0px 0px;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBfxTzhaJniPe8xbS08cD03pEhPGNnXYrm0OBtdIjgBX52gYN6Af37GYOUOtYwNluYTJnAELgkv7-6PtzsP0YmQb0JFH5MmV3paFmcdRBNCggWMdRnhAM1uMMGJog8M6F4zYpHSwqzu1w/s1775/talk+about+adoption+screenshot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1775" data-original-width="1067" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBfxTzhaJniPe8xbS08cD03pEhPGNnXYrm0OBtdIjgBX52gYN6Af37GYOUOtYwNluYTJnAELgkv7-6PtzsP0YmQb0JFH5MmV3paFmcdRBNCggWMdRnhAM1uMMGJog8M6F4zYpHSwqzu1w/s640/talk+about+adoption+screenshot.jpg" /></a></div><font face="inherit"><br /></font><p></p></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><p style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; margin: 6px 0px 0px;"><br /></p></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font color="#1c1e21" face="inherit"><span style="background-color: white;">One woman replied with the usual #notall. I explained a bit more saying that I was speaking specifically of domestic infant adoption. Then she asked if I knew this from experience and I said I did and I personally knew many, many others with the same kind of experience. Her only reply was "ok".</span></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font color="#1c1e21" face="inherit"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font color="#1c1e21" face="inherit"><span style="background-color: white;">When I went back to see if anyone else had commented on that post I saw that my comment and the entire thread was deleted. And I was blocked from the page. How's that for irony! </span></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font color="#1c1e21" face="inherit"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font color="#1c1e21" face="inherit"><span style="background-color: white;">Just be honest they said. Sure. But only if you're super happy about adoption! Just spew the usual rainbows and butterflies version and then we'll listen to you and your "honesty". </span></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font color="#1c1e21" face="inherit"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font color="#1c1e21" face="inherit"><span style="background-color: white;">Funny how they want us to "talk about adoption" but only if we say the words they want us to say. </span></font></div>Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-28247210976002738372020-04-22T10:50:00.000-04:002020-04-22T10:50:09.610-04:00A Meme and a Prayer<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy5vcSSeIrTLogYYxg86I2cicZ_R7D1Jrr79-4ejD0dcFNoC1mfhDNWb5N6bbryTcE933UMMf-EXa3ES7idsC3BVklbkFWh5Gd1Wr8vBGFiNGSqjc2Qsgctd-y5KvVMpQ_LT7kMVWOKck/s1600/FB_IMG_1587463891876.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="607" data-original-width="706" height="343" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy5vcSSeIrTLogYYxg86I2cicZ_R7D1Jrr79-4ejD0dcFNoC1mfhDNWb5N6bbryTcE933UMMf-EXa3ES7idsC3BVklbkFWh5Gd1Wr8vBGFiNGSqjc2Qsgctd-y5KvVMpQ_LT7kMVWOKck/s400/FB_IMG_1587463891876.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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I came across this meme online. It was first on Twitter, you can see the Twitter handle of the person who wrote it, @ihateadoption. I thought it was a brilliant bit of satire but apparently many people are very upset by it. I shared it on my IG page and then I saw it posted on FB. A lot of the people commenting on the post were very upset by what it says calling it sick, evil, written by a troll, terrible, disgusting, distorted, revolting, offensive, nasty, horrible, selfish, atrocious, and "it must have been written by a cold evil propaganda drama causing monster". Every one of those adjectives was taken from the comment thread on this meme.<br />
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Some assumed it was written by an angry and bitter first/birth mom. It was actually written by an adoptee. You know - the one who is supposed to be happy and grateful. What many of these folks don't see is the satire. They assume it's saying that this is how adoptive parents actually pray. They're taking it literally when they should be looking at what's behind the words.<br />
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I also commented on that thread...<br />
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<i>It does sound very sick. But aren't those the things that happen in order for a mother to relinquish? If they're praying to adopt a newborn then in essence that's what they're wishing to happen.</i><br />
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No, I don't believe that adopters says these words when they pray. They don't say it consciously. In many cases they're lied to just like the expectent mom is lied to by the adoption agency. They believe what they're told because that's what they want to believe. If they believe then maybe they can get what they want. It's easy to set aside any doubts or misgivings about the process when you're being told you'll get what you desire. But I do have to ask those adopters - do you believe in the stork theory of where babies come from? How ARE you praying for your little bundle to arrive? Those babies don't just fall from the sky.<br />
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Let's break it down.<br />
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<i>"I pray for a child, any child will do"</i><br />
When an adoption "fails" what happens? The mother decides to keep and raise her baby. In my book that's not a "fail", it's a win for the child and mother. The couple then moves on to the next expectant mom who, under the agency guidance, picks them from a book. The first one didn't work out so maybe the next one will. Any child will do.<br />
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<i>"I pray a pregnant woman is in crisis, I pray she is lost and alone. I pray her man and family forsake her. I pray she is broke and homeless"</i><br />
A woman who is NOT in crisis, who is NOT lost and alone, doesn't go to an agency seeking help. A woman who has family support or support from the baby's father doesn't go to an agency seeking help. A woman who has a home and money in the bank doesn't go to an agency seeking help.<br />
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<i>"I pray she chooses the drugs. I pray that she stays involved in violence"</i><br />
If she's addicted to drugs and can't find help, her baby will likely be taken from her. There ya go.... a baby to answer that prayer for a baby to adopt. Where is the prayer for the mother's help and healing so she can take care of her baby? If there's domestic violence, a mother will be terrified to bring a baby into that world. If she has help to get out of the situation or help with rehab, she's not likely to go to an agency for help. In order for her to lose her baby to the adoption industry she would still be using or still stuck with an abuser.<br />
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All of these situations are used against her by the adoption agencies to convince her to go through that book and look at couples to take her baby. So when someone prays to adopt a newborn baby, they ARE praying for these things to happen. They may not do it intentionally but that's the reality of it because if it weren't for these situations, the baby wouldn't be available in the first place.<br />
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Now look at the second half of the meme...<br />
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<i>"I pray she chooses me to save her baby from herself. I pray she hates herself enough to believe I'm better."</i><br />
In order for her to surrender she has to be convinced that she's not good enough for her own baby. What else are those profile books for that the agency has the adopting couple make. They're full of pictures and essays about how wonderful they are, the trips they take, the dog they have, the house they live in, etc.... The message is that the couple is better than the mom. It's intention is to make the mom feel less than so she'll give her baby to someone "better".<br />
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<i>"I pray this family falls apart. I want one of the pieces."</i><br />
In order for adopters to get the baby they're praying for another family has to be destroyed. There's just no getting around that. You can paint it in rainbow colors and slap daisies all over it but it doesn't change the fact that a mother is losing a child and a child is losing an entire family. That child is forever, legally severed from his own flesh and blood. And no, reunion doesn't fix it and open adoption doesn't fix it.<br />
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<i>"I pray a child suffers so I can be MOM"</i><br />
I can't imagine people actually using these words and praying such a thing. BUT.... the truth is every adoption includes trauma. Babies are traumatized by the separation from mother. They are NOT blank slates. They know their mother's voice, heartbeat, and smell. They search for their mother because they think they're still part of her. They suffer when they're taken away from her. If you're praying to adopt a newborn, in essence you are asking for a baby to suffer. Period. And, I'm sorry to say that love from the adopters is not enough to take that pain away.<br />
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When you really examine what the adoptee was saying with this prayer, it boils down to selfishness. Infant adoption is a selfish act. Adults want what they want and it doesn't seem to matter how it affects another entire family or how it affects a newborn baby.<br />
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The image and words are making people angry and upset. Good. Maybe it will cause some of them to think about the message and reality behind it.<br />
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<br />Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-89239978234885841392019-08-15T14:36:00.000-04:002019-08-15T14:36:11.364-04:0011 Reasons I'm Here<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBowyAUT-sPbRVb1EKFRWX7-HzEqIky4RitvoOkkg9OkcNPvbRPP8kflHCevfSzdi_wIZFDdt7dAHB7QazXSlI93n3Y-fwE6DCBp-9iQoNtVRkrcv53YSYX0iCBtVLYhrSlN0bTXYumvc/s1600/abstract+nest+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1599" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBowyAUT-sPbRVb1EKFRWX7-HzEqIky4RitvoOkkg9OkcNPvbRPP8kflHCevfSzdi_wIZFDdt7dAHB7QazXSlI93n3Y-fwE6DCBp-9iQoNtVRkrcv53YSYX0iCBtVLYhrSlN0bTXYumvc/s320/abstract+nest+4.jpg" width="318" /></a></div>
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It's been over a year since I've written anything here. 2018 was a brutal year and I've spent the better part of this year recovering from it. It's a work in progress.</div>
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Depression is difficult. It's tiring, all consuming, physically draining, painful, guilt inducing, and unique to each person but shared by many.</div>
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We all go through down days. We all know what that feels like. But there's a difference between feeling down once in a while and sitting in a chair in your bedroom, staring at your bed and thinking... "I'm ok with not waking up tomorrow". I never made a plan or thought of ways to end me but just having the thought of not wanting to wake up in the morning was enough to scare the hell out of me. The next morning, when I did wake up, I called a therapist and made an appointment.</div>
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Why am I writing about this. Is it to gain sympathy? No. Why do I even have to explain why? It's because too many people want to say that anyone who talks about painful things is just playing the victim. What people don't realize is, depression already causes us to feel guilty about being depressed. The phrase "first world problems" comes to mind. Who are we to feel down when there's so much suffering in the world! Guilt jumps in when you feel like you're not upbeat enough and think you're lousy company. Guilt jumps in when you just can't face going out and being with people. So why am I talking about it? Because I can and because I think more people need to talk about it. Maybe someone else will recognize themselves here and know that they're not alone. </div>
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There was a long list of things that happened last year that took me to such a dark place. It began with my father's death. I don't need to go into the rest of the list because, well, it's long and there's no need to at this point. Just know it was a crap year and when you're in the thick of a deep depression you can't see past the veil that hides all the good in your life. It's like someone is holding a black cloth in front of your face. You can kinda make out some bits of light here and there but mostly what's in front of you is shrouded in darkness. No matter how hard you squint you can't make out what's going on behind the veil. </div>
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What doesn't help are the well meaning comments you see from others.</div>
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<i>"don't be so negative"</i></div>
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<i>"just pull yourself up"</i></div>
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<i>"chill out"</i></div>
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<i>"think happy thoughts"</i></div>
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<i>"get out of the house more"</i></div>
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Yes, these things make sense when you're just having a down day. I use them on myself when I need to. Gratitude works wonders! We DO have many many things to be grateful for and reminding ourselves to be grateful can completely change our mindset and mood. But, the kind of depression I'm talking about is a different kind of animal and that animal doesn't respond to cliche sayings. That animal is not just being moody and can't be talked out of it with one afternoon of sunshiney talk.</div>
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It takes time. It takes talking to a professional counselor. It takes effort when you feel like just getting up out of the chair is a monumental task. It's hard but it's doable. And sometimes, if necessary, medication can help get you through the worst of it so you can start by getting up. Then you can do other things to help yourself.</div>
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Many years ago I believed the saying that suicide was selfish. I know now that's not true. I think it takes going through a severe depression to really understand why someone would contemplate taking their own life. I didn't think about the act of doing it but I did think how nice it would be to not wake up. What that tells me is that it's not a selfish thought. It's about wanting to end pain. It's about feeling like you just can't take any more of it. </div>
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So those 11 reasons I'm here are...</div>
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3 children I love and adore with all my heart.</div>
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7 grandchildren I love and adore with all my heart.</div>
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1 online community of first mothers and adoptees who understand</div>
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The little bits of light that I could see through that black veil were the faces of my children and grandbabies. I couldn't stand the thought of not seeing them go through life while I have the chance. I want to be here to see my grandchildren grow up and become whoever they're meant to be. They all need a healthy mother and grandmother and the thought of those little lights waiting for me got me up out of that chair.</div>
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My online adoption community has been a lifesaver in so many ways. The first time I realized I wasn't alone with adoption trauma was when I read The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler. Since then, having a group of mothers and adoptees who understand me and what I've been through has helped me cope just by being there. I know I can jump into a number of forums and groups, be real, spill my guts, and they're there for me. We're all there for each other. And if you have a "real life" person who is your nearest and dearest friend that you can confide in, you can help each other through a lot.</div>
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Just as important as having people in your corner, is knowing who is not in your corner. I finally figured out that I can say no. I don't have to spend time with people who trigger upset. I can decide for myself who I want in my life and who to avoid. It's called self-preservation and there's nothing wrong with that.</div>
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What else helps? Doing something creative. For me it's painting. For you it could be singing, crocheting, dancing, baking, photography, scrapbooking, woodworking, journaling, anything that takes your mind to another place. You know that feeling when you look up at the clock and suddenly see that hours have gone by and you didn't realize it? That's being in the zone. Do something that takes you there.</div>
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Real self care is not selfish. I have my kids, my friends and my art. Art is my work but it's also my salvation and therapy. I even have what I call my therapy canvas. It's a 4 ft square that I throw paint at when I feel the need. Along with my canvas, real therapy does wonders. When you learn about CPTSD and what it does, suddenly, some things about life make sense. When you have a better understanding of why your brain does what it does, you can find ways of dealing with it. You can survive depression. You can make the veil go away.</div>
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<b style="text-align: center;"> When you learn what it takes to keep yourself mentally healthy, do those things.</b> </div>
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<br />Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-32766582342160420322018-06-15T10:25:00.000-04:002018-06-15T11:17:28.608-04:00The stench of hypocrisyI'm having a hard time with the news right now. It's no secret how much I can't stand this current administration but right now I'm so enraged I can barely speak. The sight of children crying for their mothers, children behind bars and in facilities not knowing what's going to happen to them, the mothers not knowing where their children are, it's horrific and disturbing that this is what our country has become. I saw <a href="https://mobile.nytimes.com/2018/06/14/us/trump-immigration-religion.html">this article today</a> and on one hand I'm glad to see it but on the other hand, I want to know where these leaders were when our babies were being ripped from our bodies and our arms and taken for adoption!<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: , "georgia" , "times new roman" , "times" , serif; font-size: 18px;">Cardinal Daniel DiNardo, president of the United States Catholic bishops’ conference and archbishop of Galveston-Houston, denounced a recent decision by Attorney General Jeff Sessions that women fleeing domestic violence and families fleeing gang violence are not eligible for asylum.</span><br />
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“At its core, asylum is an instrument to preserve the right to life,” said Cardinal DiNardo in a <a class="css-1g7m0tk" href="http://www.usccb.org/news/2018/18-098.cfm" style="border: 0px; color: #326891; font: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-size-adjust: 100%; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank" title="">statement</a> he read aloud to the bishops.</div>
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The Catholic church has long advocated for the rights of immigrants and refugees, and while the bishops have criticized Mr. Trump’s immigration policies before, this letter amounted to their strongest censure yet.</div>
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“Families are the foundational element of our society and they must be able to stay together,” the Cardinal wrote. “Separating babies from their mothers is not the answer and is immoral.”</div>
Oh really Cardinal? I'm glad you're standing up for these children and their families but why couldn't you do the same for me and my daughter or the millions of others separated by adoption? Why are people outraged by what's happening now but don't seem to have any outrage over babies being separated from their mothers at birth for infant adoption. It is still happening. Every. Single. Day.<br />
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What's the difference? We all know the answer to that. Let's all say it together shall we - follow the money.<br />
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With the situation of the immigrants, the church gets to stand up and act all righteous. <i>See? We're about helping families. We have family values.</i> Where are those family values when it comes the mother and child bond if the mother is unmarried? That's right. It goes right out the window because babies are big bucks. Gotta keep the machine rolling but at the same time, gotta pretend that these family values mean something, so they show the world how caring and just they are with one hand while the other hand is cashing in on the profits made by tearing families apart.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: , "georgia" , "times new roman" , "times" , serif; font-size: 18px;">Bishop Edward Weisenburger of Tucson, Ariz. suggested to the meeting that “canonical penalties” be imposed on Catholics “who are involved” in the policies of family separations, though he did not specify what he meant. Canonical penalties can involve denial of the eucharist or even excommunication. His suggestion was not adopted.</span><br />
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His suggestion wasn't adopted. Big surprise. How I would love to see penalties for those involved in the policies of family separations. They could start with a Catholic Social Services file from 1979 that includes a document they coerced me into signing when I was only 6 months pregnant. That document gave them custody of my daughter at birth. How about looking into the legality of that? Do you think any of these people in the church give a shit about that?<br />
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Although I'm glad to see leaders standing up for those immigrant families, the stench of hypocrisy is sickening.<br />
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Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-81284789537843005652018-05-09T10:09:00.000-04:002018-05-09T10:09:57.159-04:00There, I fixed it for them<br />
One of the things that makes me crazy is the blatant coercion that agencies use to lure in single, pregnant women. I can't even count the number of times I've heard that expectant mothers always have a choice. "No one held a gun to your head" is a common line. "You're the one who signed the papers" is another one. Why don't people understand that coercion takes many forms and sometimes that gun is shaped like this simple piece of paper.<br />
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I was poking around online the other day and came across this agency site. One of the most reliable "guns" in their arsenal is this piece of paper. Can you imagine being a young woman, single, pregnant, not knowing where to find resources or who to turn to? You think you found help and are then faced with this worksheet. Do you think the agency is going to give the woman information about where she can find resources to parent? Of course not. They're just going to show her this list and explain to her why the HAPs are so much better than she is. They'll grind down her resolve number by number until she surrenders.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpELpA1inQ4CDng_wdRa943DC0EG2c7rAL7yQ1uHRtY14SISi41DMXjiGR0tiSs-Xl2JaSoHowCEkd4bIEyXIEtp7s9lGbIReObxSgwS4W5gxNNPncRN328cT5IGICTTwAzymZaai8p1o/s1600/20180509_085030.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1396" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpELpA1inQ4CDng_wdRa943DC0EG2c7rAL7yQ1uHRtY14SISi41DMXjiGR0tiSs-Xl2JaSoHowCEkd4bIEyXIEtp7s9lGbIReObxSgwS4W5gxNNPncRN328cT5IGICTTwAzymZaai8p1o/s640/20180509_085030.jpg" width="558" /></a></div>
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So here, I printed the form and filled it out for them. This is what a mother has to offer. This is what every expectant mom needs to put on her list.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM26l61oH4BRbuwGd47FhZ5YXoWJlvYBoE38VYRU58czbN99rQLMd1ylIXPM_XRlbkIeVDhKtO_63SDglaTjLjVu7wr30vTcPpyCbuMmN-FPI-BaCm1KLEjHN_VhqkTxwca2ym263P2JQ/s1600/20180509_084722.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1126" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM26l61oH4BRbuwGd47FhZ5YXoWJlvYBoE38VYRU58czbN99rQLMd1ylIXPM_XRlbkIeVDhKtO_63SDglaTjLjVu7wr30vTcPpyCbuMmN-FPI-BaCm1KLEjHN_VhqkTxwca2ym263P2JQ/s640/20180509_084722.jpg" width="450" /></a></div>
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And for those who can't read my messy handwriting....</div>
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1. Love</div>
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2. The safety of remaining with the only heartbeat and voice she knows.</div>
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3. Health benefit of mother's milk.</div>
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4. True birth certificate with all rights intact.</div>
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5. True identity and name.</div>
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6. Forever relationship with extended family.</div>
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7. Forever relationship with siblings.</div>
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8. Freedom from the damage of separation trauma.</div>
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9. Medical history.</div>
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10. Genetic mirroring.</div>
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11. Freedom from the feeling of abandonment.</div>
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12. Knowledge that her mother did everything in her power to keep her and love her.</div>
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13. Knowledge that she'll never have to worry about APs closing an open adoption and keeping her family from her.</div>
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My guess is, a child would be pretty damn happy with mom's list and glad they both dodged the adoption bullet.</div>
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<br />Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-89701265125544041262017-08-26T16:39:00.000-04:002017-08-28T11:30:12.918-04:00Baby Scoop Era, "brave" love and fairy dust<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
This past year I haven't spent as much time in adoptionland as I used to but lately I've waded back into the fray- just here and there, long enough to comment on an occassional group post. </div>
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What's really bothering me? I can't really put my finger on it but it's probably a whole list of things. How can there not be when it comes to adoption- the list is long. For one thing, I started reading <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Baby-Scoop-Era-Adoption-Surrender-ebook/dp/B074T7HCMG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1503763114&sr=8-1&keywords=baby+scoop+era">Karen's book</a>. I'm only a fraction of the way into it but I have to give it a plug. The research compiled here is mind boggling. And disturbing. I'm highlighting like mad and sticking post-its all over.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUJa8KlaRW63CM3s8PDKIAEw0wlwHzrWS6WCcia9Db4KlFzGtqqrKnewjxG-dZC1bT28iPpkidiE68Jm2psINNzNll9wd_LtxIkD15ctpnpdPcY6pXdEvoUbBprnLl4H3QxrkH3lMscpY/s1600/20170826_112731.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUJa8KlaRW63CM3s8PDKIAEw0wlwHzrWS6WCcia9Db4KlFzGtqqrKnewjxG-dZC1bT28iPpkidiE68Jm2psINNzNll9wd_LtxIkD15ctpnpdPcY6pXdEvoUbBprnLl4H3QxrkH3lMscpY/s400/20170826_112731.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
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Like the history we've all been talking about in politics, with the hopes of never repeating such happenings, this is the history of adoption in the US. And, like politics, there are too many people sticking their fingers in their ears while yelling lalalalalalala- I can't hear you!</div>
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Who are these people when it comes to adoption? Other mothers like me, not mothers my age but young ones. The ones who surrendered in recent years, the newbies to this life. Other moms like me get on the forums and groups to try to give a bit of historical perspective to the conversations but more often than not we get put in our place- told we're just bitter because we regret our "decision". We're told that surrendering is the "brave" thing to do. These are the women who encourage other women to surrender their babies. Just yesterday when <a href="https://www.facebook.com/adoptionSOS/">Saving Our Sisters</a> was mentioned, someone came back saying that they're nothing but negativity and anti-adoption. </div>
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This is the most mind boggling of all to me. Why would someone who is experiencing the most awful grief encourage someone else to willingly jump into that pool of misery with them. I guess the saying about misery loving company is true. It's incredibly heartbreaking to witness a young mother write about having zero regrets in letting her child go. Does she really believe that? Does she think about how that belief will affect her child when that adoptee is all grown up and reads that her mother was glad she surrendered? Would it make you feel good to hear... "I'm so glad I gave you to strangers when you were born". That's basically what she's saying. I certainly wouldn't want to hear that.</div>
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It makes me sad. So very sad to read....</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWAAR9wK87w769ZkNn2vYuiN8_7EzRVmUlSCiwSIxCyZKMHcXxhjCN69sXp7wuaM96fUpzL2FHbzBa4uV48TKkGfPAOjHA5q3poAPvd8TkrYWzRFCWA2g_xJT_uRNystPC9zzUF4gbguo/s1600/2017-08-26+%252813%2529.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="590" data-original-width="760" height="310" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWAAR9wK87w769ZkNn2vYuiN8_7EzRVmUlSCiwSIxCyZKMHcXxhjCN69sXp7wuaM96fUpzL2FHbzBa4uV48TKkGfPAOjHA5q3poAPvd8TkrYWzRFCWA2g_xJT_uRNystPC9zzUF4gbguo/s400/2017-08-26+%252813%2529.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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Her children deserved more than she could give them at the time. "At the time" tells me the situation was temporary. She lost her children because of a temporary situation. That's adoption speak for - you don't have enough stuff right now so give your children to people who have more. If that were really the right thing to do I would have handed my son over to someone who had a house. I was living in a small apartment at the time he was born. If that were really the right thing to do I would have handed over my 3rd child to someone who had a house AND a pool, maybe even a horse or two. I had a house at the time but it was very small and we pinched a lot of pennies. Maybe we should all just shift our children to the folks in the next income bracket. The agencies would love that. Imagine how much more money they would make.</div>
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I realize we live in a consumer society but isn't this taking things a bit far? It costs tens of thousands to buy a baby and women are losing their babies because they don't have enough. Everything can be purchased here including humans.</div>
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<a href="http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/bravelove-org-another-front-for-adoption-profits/">Claudia does a great job explaining who these people are</a> - meaning BraveLove. When I first saw the post pictured above there were close to 400 comments. When I checked just now the number of comments was down to 135. Hmmmmm..... could it be they've deleted a few because they didn't fit the narrative they want? They also had 3 one star reviews but now the review section is deleted. I commented and got a screen shot because who knows how long before they delete me too.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpwpPEpOF4LGtVSzMzoO0QE7nh6Y08fpmjV-EVh0OARYTy07n6-Q1XV8C3_JCQoUZ0pxK5Ft3Lije69iOGjIL22PFdoZQeFgNEDU1Y49qy7qyLbVX4oLvZEN2OfaU9zkArQu2wyplA-oE/s1600/2017-08-26+%252815%2529.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="154" data-original-width="747" height="81" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpwpPEpOF4LGtVSzMzoO0QE7nh6Y08fpmjV-EVh0OARYTy07n6-Q1XV8C3_JCQoUZ0pxK5Ft3Lije69iOGjIL22PFdoZQeFgNEDU1Y49qy7qyLbVX4oLvZEN2OfaU9zkArQu2wyplA-oE/s400/2017-08-26+%252815%2529.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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This is the mission statement from Bravelove:</div>
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<i><b>"To change the perception of adoption through honest, informative, and hopeful communication that conveys the heroism and bravery a birth mother displays when she places her child with a loving family through adoption."</b></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Deleting hundreds of comments from people who know the truth about the adoption industry doesn't seem so honest to me. It's not exactly informative either is it? They do foster hopeful communication though. The kind that's sprinkled with fairy dust and rainbow colors. Don't you dare question them or challenge them! Why? Because....</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><b>This is an agency funded page using young mothers to coerce other young mothers into surrendering their babies.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">In the early days of the Baby Scoop Era, single pregnant women were seen as "sick" "unfit" and "deviant", certainly not brave and heroic. From Karen's book, page 60.....</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>"We know a great deal about the unmarried or natural mother...that she is not bad, but rather that she is sick... Not only is one attempting to help the unmarried mother develop more mature methods of solving her problems than through her solution of getting pregnant, but one also is usually able to help the unmarried mother give up her baby for adoption... (Littner, 1955)"</i></span></div>
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According to Karen's research, we were also seen as needing punishment.</div>
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<i>"The applicant who wants none of the agency or the caseworker is obviously the hardest one to reach, engage or even tolerate... [I]t is this client... who is troubling the community's peace of spirit (such as the unwed mother)... What is social work for... if not to make social beings of these unfortunate misfits or to protect society against their depredations? Where can they be helped or dealt with, if they are not to be put in places of confinement and punishment?...Of the several professions that use psychological means of influence, that of social work consistently encounters the problem of the unwilling client. Caseworkers... work out ways by which to engage the unwilling person (Perlman, 1957)."</i></div>
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Just one more paragraph from the book, page 62...</div>
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<i>"It was even recommended by the professionals that if an unmarried pregnant female was unwilling to surrender her baby for adoption, the social worker should be 'decisive, firm, and unswerving' in finding a 'healthy solution to the girl's problem' by targeting that woman's mother to make sure the baby would be surrendered. According to Dr. Marcel Heiman, clinical professor of psychiatry at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine, 'The I'm going to help you by standing by while you work it through approach will not do. What is expected from the worker is precisely what the child expected but did not get from her parents - a decisive No!'" (Heiman, 1960)</i></div>
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Wow. Not only did they have their outright shaming techniques down pat, they also used their methods on the girl's family. Now the agencies<span style="font-family: inherit;"> have trained young "birthmothers" to put us older mothers in our place by calling us bitter and angry while calling new surrendering mothers selfless and brave. They know that calling us misfits just won't work anymore so now we're brave. They just swung the coercion pendulum the other way and have done such a good job of it that they've convinced mothers to convince more mothers that surrendering their newborn is the brave and loving thing to do.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">These young mothers fight us when we talk about the truth because in order for them to face the truth about adoption, they have to admit they've been duped and no one wants to admit something like that. Sometimes misery does love company but I think in some of these cases, their defending adoption so vehemently, is nothing more than a shield to protect themselves from the devastating grief that would follow the realization that they were taken advantage of. So the agencies have learned not only how to use women effectively in order to make money from their babies, but also how to use those same women to reel in more targets for adoption.</span></div>
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*Update 8/28*</div>
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I've gone back to the BraveLove page and commented again, and yes, all my comments are deleted. This is one of them. I think you can tell why. Of course they don't want expectant moms to read that they're being manipulated. The fact that they continue to delete the truth and cover up their tactics should make it pretty clear that it's hitting a nerve and exposing them for what they are- baby brokers.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY7mHhh5hEhgAv5YSg91FErE1TkNvz1F67rhtWiyqLjDO7tLrsudwC7yTguRAw3wWTyPT_raNA8WjhQtP9Xtazcu1kzCcsTHQM9MvXUYTRJOIThevBfn5m3NWM_GgTDiynR2q6uUZl1C8/s1600/2017-08-28+%25285%2529_LI.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="427" data-original-width="453" height="375" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY7mHhh5hEhgAv5YSg91FErE1TkNvz1F67rhtWiyqLjDO7tLrsudwC7yTguRAw3wWTyPT_raNA8WjhQtP9Xtazcu1kzCcsTHQM9MvXUYTRJOIThevBfn5m3NWM_GgTDiynR2q6uUZl1C8/s400/2017-08-28+%25285%2529_LI.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbwlMaVqT0VK1SgZc_VjhZWnkX8YFPtuT29HVDUi4Uc8RO8vbOefDq5u6twA0qeVasWzo-VqNY5NWB0QIzpdSb3iupGy_OV6v4f2nhZH2kCjH3kFIxTC1TQ9hjcuviUMgpOg66NhYvLnA/s1600/2017-08-27+%252810%2529_LI.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="595" data-original-width="727" height="326" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbwlMaVqT0VK1SgZc_VjhZWnkX8YFPtuT29HVDUi4Uc8RO8vbOefDq5u6twA0qeVasWzo-VqNY5NWB0QIzpdSb3iupGy_OV6v4f2nhZH2kCjH3kFIxTC1TQ9hjcuviUMgpOg66NhYvLnA/s400/2017-08-27+%252810%2529_LI.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Shame on them for hiding the truth and participating in the legal human trafficking known as infant adoption.</div>
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<br />Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-30733316013449943762017-04-30T12:21:00.000-04:002017-04-30T15:21:33.623-04:00Thank you Margaret AtwoodLast Wednesday I watched the first 3 episodes of <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/28/watching/handmaids-tale-best-articles.html">The Handmaid's Tale</a>. I did read the book many years ago and I knew the premise of the book but didn't remember some details so I couldn't tell you if the show is sticking to the finer points of the book. Anyway.... it was as horrific as I remembered.<br />
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Truthfully, I didn't know if I'd be able to watch it. I signed up for Hulu for the sole purpose of watching it but I wasn't sure if I could go through with it. It felt too close to home and I didn't know if it would trigger bad memories. I watched, wondered if I were a glutton for punishment and it did bring back the memories.<br />
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I remembered the feeling of having my child taken from me.<br />
I remembered crying and screaming for my baby.<br />
I remembered the frustration and anger of having the religious authorities make decisions about MY life.<br />
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I thought about canceling Hulu and not watching the upcoming episodes. But of course I won't and I will watch. I don't exactly know why, I just need to. Maybe the post I came across this morning on Facebook is the reason. Someone asked a question about the show.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><b><i>Conservatives; is this show a dystopian or utopian view of the future?</i></b></span><br />
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I was curious about the reactions so I scrolled down and found this one. I had to respond.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgasOGdkD53bHdmeMvy_Yzfu7cuhUyIwKzFa7kLI_GVUnsJWOnuNqvLVxWoW702lbtkWUb5zjL2PZtnRCJ6ukqHkZ8Q9X9yNMhO342fabvbrNhdz7ppn7gy09uS0aRKSVn_88zaanhbmQc/s1600/2017-04-30_LI.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgasOGdkD53bHdmeMvy_Yzfu7cuhUyIwKzFa7kLI_GVUnsJWOnuNqvLVxWoW702lbtkWUb5zjL2PZtnRCJ6ukqHkZ8Q9X9yNMhO342fabvbrNhdz7ppn7gy09uS0aRKSVn_88zaanhbmQc/s400/2017-04-30_LI.jpg" width="366" /></a></div>
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A lefty fantasy? Does not remotely apply to American Christians? If I remember correctly, Margaret Atwood said in an interview that although the book is a work of fiction, she only wrote about events that have actually happened somewhere.</div>
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I guess a lot of people think this story is just the author's wild imagination and don't realize just how close some of it was to reality right here. What's that saying? </div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it.</span></b></div>
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The religious extremists in this country would love to return to the era of single women surrendering children to the wealthy and infertile. Why else would they want to defund services like Planned Parenthood that provide contraceptives to women? Why else would they be so anti-choice? Why else would they put as many restrictions on abortion as they can get away with?</div>
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Why would they do those things when common sense tells everyone that birth control, education and access to reproductive health services are what prevent abortions. They don't want us to have these services AND they want abortion to be illegal. What's the result of that kind of policy and regulation? Lots of unplanned pregnancy. </div>
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I do believe they would love to have all those unplanned pregnancies (they're not seen as women, they're walking wombs) funneled back into the maternity homes of the past so they can feed the adoption machine once again. It's gotten so much harder to get those unplanned pregnancies to cooperate with their little plan. They've had to come up with sneakier ways of coercing the walking wombs into handing over their babies and too many caring people are interfering. Adoption agencies are closing their doors because more and more women are keeping and raising their babies.</div>
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Some of us see this as a good thing. And it's not a left/right thing, it's a human thing.</div>
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Unfortunately, there are still too many people like this commenter who are unaware of our past and don't understand why The Handmaid's Tale is so familiar to us and amazingly relevant. Thank you Margaret Atwood, we need your book and this show right now. I guess I'll keep watching and commenting because those religious extremists have wormed their way into our politics and if we're not careful, some of what we see on that show could very well go from fiction to fact.</div>
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<br />Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-24034744737949734172016-11-03T12:55:00.000-04:002016-11-03T12:55:21.349-04:00I was trying to pretend NAAM didn't existSo here it is November 3rd and another National Adoption Awareness Month is underway. My plan for this year was to just ignore it all. I didn't really want to get into any of this stuff on the heels of the most ridiculous presidential election season ever. But - I got pulled back in yesterday and this morning by some comments on Instagram.<br />
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Many months ago I posted this picture. This is a painting I did as part of my Silent Voices series that I <a href="http://oneoptionnochoice.blogspot.com/2016/03/the-facts-remain.html">exhibited in Macon GA earlier this year</a>.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdefhhbVLPiiEzCs-xUnaEr-AF7a-3ln1uEvO_kDK0ibOyljxbS9jar6YJyrDsvoxDyb5TjSHHsnbwobeKeHXtvq3S-Zu34LO4lfPt5pw9tL6gd_lEjHpR1IY48cfGVhcjK1KafJT3ZTU/s1600/Savior+Complex+48x36.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdefhhbVLPiiEzCs-xUnaEr-AF7a-3ln1uEvO_kDK0ibOyljxbS9jar6YJyrDsvoxDyb5TjSHHsnbwobeKeHXtvq3S-Zu34LO4lfPt5pw9tL6gd_lEjHpR1IY48cfGVhcjK1KafJT3ZTU/s400/Savior+Complex+48x36.jpg" width="295" /></a></div>
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I didn't post any comments with it other than the usual info about the exhibition. Yesterday began a little conversation.....</div>
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<li class="_nk46a" style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 7px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;"><button class="_4vltl" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border-color: initial; border-style: none; border-width: initial; color: #c7c7c7; cursor: pointer; float: right; font-family: proxima-nova, "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: inherit; height: 1em; line-height: inherit; margin-left: 10px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; width: 1em;" title="Delete Comment">Delete Comment</button><a class="_4zhc5 notranslate _iqaka" href="https://www.instagram.com/just_in_nashvegas/" style="border: 0px; color: #262626; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 600; line-height: 18px; margin: 0px 0.3em 0px -5px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px 0px 0px 5px; text-decoration: none; text-overflow: ellipsis; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: nowrap;" title="just_in_nashvegas">just_in_nashvegas</a><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Medical history yes and it's no longer her child when she signed the rights away k</span></li>
<li class="_nk46a" style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 7px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;"><button class="_4vltl" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border-color: initial; border-style: none; border-width: initial; color: #c7c7c7; cursor: pointer; float: right; font-family: proxima-nova, "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: inherit; height: 1em; line-height: inherit; margin-left: 10px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; width: 1em;" title="Delete Comment">Delete Comment</button><a class="_4zhc5 notranslate _iqaka" href="https://www.instagram.com/just_in_nashvegas/" style="border: 0px; color: #262626; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 600; line-height: 18px; margin: 0px 0.3em 0px -5px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px 0px 0px 5px; text-decoration: none; text-overflow: ellipsis; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: nowrap;" title="just_in_nashvegas">just_in_nashvegas</a><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">And if she wanted to know the child so well she should keep it.. Let's be honest too broke to raise it but still thinks she is a mommy when she signs her rights away</span></li>
<li class="_nk46a" style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 7px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;"><button class="_4vltl" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border-color: initial; border-style: none; border-width: initial; color: #c7c7c7; cursor: pointer; float: right; font-family: proxima-nova, "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: inherit; height: 1em; line-height: inherit; margin-left: 10px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; width: 1em;" title="Delete Comment">Delete Comment</button><a class="_4zhc5 notranslate _iqaka" href="https://www.instagram.com/carlynnehershberger/" style="border: 0px; color: #262626; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 600; line-height: 18px; margin: 0px 0.3em 0px -5px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px 0px 0px 5px; text-decoration: none; text-overflow: ellipsis; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: nowrap;" title="carlynnehershberger">carlynnehershberger</a><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><a class="notranslate" href="https://www.instagram.com/just_in_nashvegas/" style="border: 0px; color: #003569; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">@just_in_nashvegas</a> What's your connection to infant adoption? I'm a mother who's newborn was taken at birth and an adoptee. Babies are taken and sold every day through the corrupt, coercive infant adoption system. It's big business bringing in over 13.5 BILLION dollars a year for agencies. Without babies to sell the agencies can't pay salaries or keep their doors open.</span></li>
<li class="_nk46a" style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 7px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;"><button class="_4vltl" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border-color: initial; border-style: none; border-width: initial; color: #c7c7c7; cursor: pointer; float: right; font-family: proxima-nova, "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: inherit; height: 1em; line-height: inherit; margin-left: 10px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; width: 1em;" title="Delete Comment">Delete Comment</button><a class="_4zhc5 notranslate _iqaka" href="https://www.instagram.com/just_in_nashvegas/" style="border: 0px; color: #262626; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 600; line-height: 18px; margin: 0px 0.3em 0px -5px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px 0px 0px 5px; text-decoration: none; text-overflow: ellipsis; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: nowrap;" title="just_in_nashvegas">just_in_nashvegas</a><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Well you shouldn't have gotten pregnant that's on you! And im infertile I believe in a closed adoption very closed no pics no visits only letters</span></li>
<li class="_nk46a" style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 7px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;"><button class="_4vltl" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border-color: initial; border-style: none; border-width: initial; color: #c7c7c7; cursor: pointer; float: right; font-family: proxima-nova, "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: inherit; height: 1em; line-height: inherit; margin-left: 10px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; width: 1em;" title="Delete Comment">Delete Comment</button><a class="_4zhc5 notranslate _iqaka" href="https://www.instagram.com/carlynnehershberger/" style="border: 0px; color: #262626; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 600; line-height: 18px; margin: 0px 0.3em 0px -5px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px 0px 0px 5px; text-decoration: none; text-overflow: ellipsis; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: nowrap;" title="carlynnehershberger">carlynnehershberger</a><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><a class="notranslate" href="https://www.instagram.com/just_in_nashvegas/" style="border: 0px; color: #003569; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">@just_in_nashvegas</a> Do you care at all about the adult adoptee voice when it comes to adoption or just your selfish desires? I suggest you read the many, many books and blogs written by adoptees. They speak loud and clear about the damage done to adoptees by the closed adoption system. Every single adoption begins with trauma and loss for the child. Please do your research before considering adoption.</span></li>
<li class="_nk46a" style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 7px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;"><button class="_4vltl" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border-color: initial; border-style: none; border-width: initial; color: #c7c7c7; cursor: pointer; float: right; font-family: proxima-nova, "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: inherit; height: 1em; line-height: inherit; margin-left: 10px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; width: 1em;" title="Delete Comment">Delete Comment</button><a class="_4zhc5 notranslate _iqaka" href="https://www.instagram.com/just_in_nashvegas/" style="border: 0px; color: #262626; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 600; line-height: 18px; margin: 0px 0.3em 0px -5px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px 0px 0px 5px; text-decoration: none; text-overflow: ellipsis; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: nowrap;" title="just_in_nashvegas">just_in_nashvegas</a><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Well the girls need birth control and they would be fine but they open wide don't they</span></li>
<li class="_nk46a" style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 7px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;"><button class="_4vltl" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border-color: initial; border-style: none; border-width: initial; color: #c7c7c7; cursor: pointer; float: right; font-family: proxima-nova, "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: inherit; height: 1em; line-height: inherit; margin-left: 10px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; width: 1em;" title="Delete Comment">Delete Comment</button><a class="_4zhc5 notranslate _iqaka" href="https://www.instagram.com/carlynnehershberger/" style="border: 0px; color: #262626; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 600; line-height: 18px; margin: 0px 0.3em 0px -5px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px 0px 0px 5px; text-decoration: none; text-overflow: ellipsis; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: nowrap;" title="carlynnehershberger">carlynnehershberger</a><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><a class="notranslate" href="https://www.instagram.com/just_in_nashvegas/" style="border: 0px; color: #003569; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">@just_in_nashvegas</a> Well I tried. You're just going to be nasty so there's no point in continuing the discussion. I hope for the sake of any future adoptees in your life that you have a change of heart and look at adoption with compassion in your heart for what a mother and child separated by the system have to suffer.</span></li>
<li class="_nk46a" style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 7px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;"><button class="_4vltl" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border-color: initial; border-style: none; border-width: initial; color: #c7c7c7; cursor: pointer; float: right; font-family: proxima-nova, "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: inherit; height: 1em; line-height: inherit; margin-left: 10px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; width: 1em;" title="Delete Comment">Delete Comment</button><a class="_4zhc5 notranslate _iqaka" href="https://www.instagram.com/just_in_nashvegas/" style="border: 0px; color: #262626; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 600; line-height: 18px; margin: 0px 0.3em 0px -5px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px 0px 0px 5px; text-decoration: none; text-overflow: ellipsis; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: nowrap;" title="just_in_nashvegas">just_in_nashvegas</a><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Your know it's true the sluts get what they deserve!</span></li>
<li class="_nk46a" style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 7px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;"><button class="_4vltl" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border-color: initial; border-style: none; border-width: initial; color: #c7c7c7; cursor: pointer; float: right; font-family: proxima-nova, "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: inherit; height: 1em; line-height: inherit; margin-left: 10px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; width: 1em;" title="Delete Comment">Delete Comment</button><a class="_4zhc5 notranslate _iqaka" href="https://www.instagram.com/just_in_nashvegas/" style="border: 0px; color: #262626; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 600; line-height: 18px; margin: 0px 0.3em 0px -5px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px 0px 0px 5px; text-decoration: none; text-overflow: ellipsis; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: nowrap;" title="just_in_nashvegas">just_in_nashvegas</a><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">So pay 30,000 in fees raise the kid pay the bills and never be considered the mother never getting that respect from a birth family it's disgusting how whores wants open adoption maybe if they won't open their legs they wouldn't get what they damn well deserve</span></li>
<li class="_nk46a" style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 7px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;"><button class="_4vltl" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border-color: initial; border-style: none; border-width: initial; color: #c7c7c7; cursor: pointer; float: right; font-family: proxima-nova, "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: inherit; height: 1em; line-height: inherit; margin-left: 10px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; width: 1em;" title="Delete Comment">Delete Comment</button><a class="_4zhc5 notranslate _iqaka" href="https://www.instagram.com/carlynnehershberger/" style="border: 0px; color: #262626; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 600; line-height: 18px; margin: 0px 0.3em 0px -5px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px 0px 0px 5px; text-decoration: none; text-overflow: ellipsis; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: nowrap;" title="carlynnehershberger">carlynnehershberger</a><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">If you have adopted or plan to adopt I hope you don't refer to your child's first mother in that way. You can call me all the names you want- it's obvious you have a lot of anger- but please refrain from bashing your child's biological family. It would cause unimaginable pain to that child.<a class="notranslate" href="https://www.instagram.com/just_in_nashvegas/" style="border: 0px; color: #003569; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">@just_in_nashvegas</a></span></li>
<li class="_nk46a" style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;"><button class="_4vltl" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border-color: initial; border-style: none; border-width: initial; color: #c7c7c7; cursor: pointer; float: right; font-family: proxima-nova, "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: inherit; height: 1em; line-height: inherit; margin-left: 10px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; width: 1em;" title="Delete Comment">Delete Comment</button><a class="_4zhc5 notranslate _iqaka" href="https://www.instagram.com/just_in_nashvegas/" style="border: 0px; color: #262626; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: 600; line-height: 18px; margin: 0px 0.3em 0px -5px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px 0px 0px 5px; text-decoration: none; text-overflow: ellipsis; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: nowrap;" title="just_in_nashvegas">just_in_nashvegas</a><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">I'll be up front with what the mother is not my fault my kid has a whore as a bio match... Those women can get pregnant 6 weeks later do what's the big deal that's why i believe in closed they get it all</span></li>
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Years ago that conversation would have upset me. Now I recognize it for what it is. There's a lot of pain and anger behind this woman's words. I don't know what the circumstances are surrounding the adoption of her child but it seems to me that it wasn't good and obviously she still hasn't dealt with her infertility issues. Having said that..... that does NOT excuse her attitude. From what she wrote she is the perfect example of what we call an adoptoraptor. I know adoptive parents hate to see that word but there really are those who fit the description.</div>
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What upsets me about this is thinking about what a woman like this is doing to her adopted child. She's going to be up front with her child by calling his/her first mother a whore and a slut?! I don't care if she calls me that- no skin off my nose and it's not like it hasn't happened before since starting this blog- but can you imagine being a child dealing with the knowledge of your adoption, trying to figure out who you are and hearing your mother call the woman who gave birth to you those terrible names? I'm so sad knowing that this woman is going to hurt her child like this.</div>
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I don't care if the child's first mother really is a crappy human. I don't care how deep this adoptive mother's issues go. There is never a reason to speak to a child about their family that way. That child is a piece of that family. When you talk about their family in those terms it's like you're talking about the child the same way. How much damage is this woman doing? Just the fact of being adopted causes enough pain. What kind of pain is her attitude toward the child's family going to cause?</div>
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This is another adoptive parent who believes the minute the papers are signed they take ownership of their prize human. Besides, she paid 30,000. She's entitled. The product is bought and paid for.</div>
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<b><i> MINE MINE MINE</i></b></div>
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<b><i> ALL MINE</i></b></div>
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AND.... the jealousy is coming through crystal clear. What does she care about the mother? That woman has the audacity to be able to conceive so all adoptions should be closed. That's what she deserves. She deserves to live in agony the rest of her life, never knowing what happened to her child, simply because she got pregnant in the first place and she might be able to get pregnant again. In fact, she could just spread her legs and pop out another one - what a whore!</div>
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So much nastiness and hate. Such a shame the child is the one who will pay for it. Like a friend of mine just said.... I hope she has good insurance for the therapy the child will need. I wish she had spent some money on therapy for herself before adopting.</div>
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I don't know if I'll get more comments from her. I thought about writing some more but seems to me anything I say is just going to get blown off anyway. She doesn't exactly come across as one who is willing to learn. I am grateful for the adoptive parents out there who are willing and able to take in the experiences of others and understand that adoption is NOT about them. It's supposed to be about the child.</div>
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Well, so much for staying away from NAAM this year. Time to go back to my happy place - the easel.</div>
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<br />Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-71391336730996943632016-06-17T09:58:00.000-04:002016-06-17T09:58:36.514-04:00News, politics, adoption.... ughSad and tired. I'm just sad and tired of everything right now. I want the election to be over, I want infant adoption to go away, I want people to stop shooting other people, I want people to stop victim blaming, I could go on and on. I think it might be time to hide under a rock for a while. I don't understand what's happened to people. Maybe nothing's actually happened and we're just seeing more of the hatefulness than we did before because of social media. I guess it's always been there, it's just more visible now. People are more vocal and public with their nastiness. Not only that.... they're trying to pass off the hate as humor and then blame the target of their hate for being too sensitive- "see, they're offended- can't take a joke".<br />
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This political meme has been making the rounds.<br />
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I'm guessing this is supposed to be funny but all I see here is the result of corporate owned <strike>newscasters/journalists</strike> entertainers creating a divide in our beautiful country. It's "us" vs "them" thinking. If we're too busy fighting each other we won't pay attention to what's going on. Is this really who we are? </div>
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Too many people are buying into untruths or not bothering to read beyond headlines and are happy to jump to conclusions about others. It's easier to look at the headline and judge someone than it is to fact check, read or talk to people. Take a look at the way people have been judging the family who lost their 2 year old in the gator attack in FL. All you have to do is read the comments on articles about it. The horror of what that family must be going through right now is unimaginable yet there are people standing in judgement of them, blaming them, as if those parents aren't already doing that to themselves. I've lived in FL for over 4 decades. I know how dangerous gators are and I know they're everywhere. If there's a body of water there's likely a gator nearby but not everyone understands that, especially if not from the area.What the hell happened to compassion? As parents we've all made mistakes and children can get away from you in the blink of an eye. There but for the grace......</div>
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It's the same in adoptionland. First mothers are constantly being judged. Either we're brave and selfless or we're whores who should have kept our legs closed. Adoptive parents are either saviors or greedy adoptorapters. Adoptees are ungrateful children if they want to know where they come from. </div>
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There are fights between first mothers over terminology. There are fights between adoptees over birth certificate legislation. There are fights between first mothers and adoptees over who can say what. And all the while the adoption industry is laughing it's way to the bank with that fat deposit.</div>
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Whether it's politics, adoption or a news story, the paintbrush has gotten way too broad. We're all guilty of it at times and it's time we cut that shit out and pay attention. I wish we could just stop and think before running our mouths and have some compassion for our fellow humans. Talk to people. Find out what the story is and really listen. Check the facts. We need to save our wrath for the ones who deserve it.</div>
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Crawling back under that rock now....</div>
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<br />Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-31549783840325600452016-03-06T11:59:00.000-05:002016-03-06T11:59:29.229-05:00The Facts Remain<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Yesterday we left home early to drive to Macon GA and pick up my paintings from the Silent Voices exhibit at the 567 Center for Renewal. It's a 4 hour drive each way so I knew it was going to be a long day but I was excited to get there and hear about how the show went after the opening. I was only there for one night so Beth was there for me interacting with the public during the month of the show.<br />
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Artists have a job. Sometimes that job description is about beauty- sharing nature, bringing it indoors for us to enjoy and sometimes that job is about telling truths, provoking thought and emotion, waking people up, educating or making a statement about a particular societal problem. When you put paintings out there that tell a story - a painful, uncomfortable story - it can bring a huge range of responses so I was not at all surprised by the reactions to my work.<br />
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There were other first mothers who saw the show and were deeply affected. There were many tears as people related to the poetry and the images. Some of those who were just as deeply touched were coming from completely different experiences, some not even related to adoption at all but were still about loss in a big way.<br />
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Some people were curious about the meaning behind the paintings and wanted to learn more and some people were looking from an artistic standpoint.<br />
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To me the most interesting reactions were the ones from people reacting with anger. One person in particular was so upset by the images that he called it "crap" and didn't understand how that "shit" could be exhibited.<br />
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There was also a group of people very insulted and offended by my work. <a href="http://www.newcitychurches.org/">New City Church</a> shares space in the building with the art center where the show was held. They were so offended in fact that they forced the art center to remove 3 of my paintings every weekend before their services and then they were displayed again afterwards. They censored my show every week in February. That's how uncomfortable the truth is to some people. Which pieces couldn't they handle? Of course the 3 in this post. Every week these paintings had to go into hiding.<br />
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Funny how these 3 were the most obvious about the corruption of the adoption industry. I could pour my heart out in the other pieces about the personal price that first mothers AND adoptees pay because of adoption but don't let anyone see anything negative about the industry or any religious connection to it. Do you think I touched a nerve? Do you think there might be more than a couple of adoptive parents in the church? Yes and yes.<br />
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It's certainly not my intention to go around insulting and offending people. Anyone who knows me, knows that. My intention is to share my personal story because it's also the story of millions of others like me and most of the general public doesn't know about this part of history. It's the truth for them and it's my truth. My other intention is to make people aware of the other truth- the one about the corruption in adoption. I wasn't merely sharing my opinion. I was stating facts in picture form. What's on those canvases is a visual representation of the facts.<br />
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Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but hiding the facts, being insulted by facts, being offended by facts, doesn't change a thing. The facts remain.<br />
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Adoption is a supply and demand business making $$$billions$$$ for an industry.<br />
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I was a little disappointed in the turn out for the opening reception last month but after hearing about the reactions of people since then I'd say I did my job. The work made more people aware and no matter what their reaction was it made them think about it.</div>
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I want to say a giant thank you to <a href="http://bsmithbrushworks.com/">Beth Smith</a> for curating the show and being there to answer questions and be my voice for the duration of the exhibit. She was not only my voice for the rest of the month but she was also able to add to the show with her own voice as an adoptee. Thank you a million times over for being so strong and taking the leap with me.</div>
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So now, I'll continue to add more pieces to the Silent Voices collection and hopefully someday another curator will take the leap.<br />
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<br />Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-46227097396639448732016-03-04T11:02:00.000-05:002016-03-04T11:04:15.742-05:00Well at least.....Recently I was talking with someone about adoption and the different types of adoptees- adoptee-lite (step-parent adoptee like me), LDA or late discovery adoptee (like me) and of course adoptees who have always known they were adopted.<br />
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Anyway, we were having this discussion and I shared about someone I know who found out quite late in life that he was adopted. I felt that what was done to him was wrong. I understand what kind of upheaval that can create in a person's life. When hearing about the adoptee's situation this person's first reaction was to jump to the conclusion that the adoptee was just playing the "poor me" card. Apparently he just needed to choose a more positive outlook on life- look at the bright side- at least he didn't have major medical issues that were compounded by a hidden genetic history. At least he had adoptive parents..... at least.... at least......<br />
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I said that I thought this attitude was very dismissive of what the adoptee had been through. I expected more compassion from someone who knows me and knows what adoption does to people. The response was to actually say that he refused to give compassion when a positive outlook could be chosen. It was a refusal to put himself in another person's shoes. It was a refusal to even try to understand the feelings of another.<br />
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I'm sorry but that's not being positive or having an optimistic outlook, that's being condescending and dismissive of another person's story and the impact that story has on a life. I understand the importance of having a positive outlook. Choosing to use the pain of my own experience in a positive way is what's gotten me through the last 36 years of living with adoption. I get that! What I don't get are the assumptions- assuming the adoptee is using the experience to play "poor me", assuming the adoptee doesn't have a positive outlook, assuming that the adoptee is wallowing. He doesn't know the adoptee, has never had any contact with him whatsoever but was willing to assume that the adoptee just hadn't chosen the correct attitude.<br />
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This is no different than people assuming that first mothers and adoptees are all bitter and angry and should just get over themselves and quit talking about it. If you dare talk about the negative side of adoption you're just wallowing in misery and must have a terrible life. If we would just choose to be positive then of course the industry will fall in line and fix itself. Sure it will.<br />
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Isn't it possible to be positive and compassionate at the same time???<br />
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Does choosing to have a positive outlook mean that you're no longer allowed to express pain and anger? When you've been hurt, traumatized, had an awful thing happen to you, you will experience sadness and pain. What happens to those feeling then? They get bottled up, shoved down deep to eat away at you from the inside and who knows what kind of havoc that's causing your body. Have you every heard someone say they need a good cry? A cry can be good for you. It's releasing, it's cathartic, you feel better afterwards. What you don't need in that moment is someone telling you that you just need an attitude adjustment. The more positive feelings will happen after you let go of the crap that's built up.<br />
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Yes, we can choose to be positive. We can choose to be grateful for what we have and that's hugely important!! AND it's important to recognize the hurt that someone might be going through and empathize with them. Don't dismiss them as just having a poor attitude. Do some people wallow and spend their lives in misery when they can make another choice? Yes. Just don't assume that everyone who expresses pain is doing that.<br />
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Brene' Brown said "Rarely does an empathic response begin with- at least" Watch this short video from Brown about empathy and sympathy.<br />
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The discussion I had left me feeling sad and disappointed that this person didn't even want to understand what I was trying to say about empathy. I not only felt my friend was being dismissed but I was also dismissed as not having the proper attitude. Living with adoption is not a one time event. It's effects can be felt every single day of your life. You can choose to be positive in how you deal with it day to day and be a happy, productive member of society and there will still be days when it gets you down. Those are the days when a little understanding can get you through.<br />
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I think I'm coming to the conclusion that fear is at the bottom of this. People don't want to stand in another's shoes and empathize because that means feeling something painful themselves. It's much easier to wave it away and just say they need to be positive. What they don't realize though is what a huge, POSITIVE impact genuine empathy has for a person who is in pain.Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-32623938711432687742016-02-08T10:04:00.000-05:002016-02-08T10:04:13.648-05:00It's all about awareness<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Well it's done. The opening of Silent Voices happened and I survived it. Of course I was a nervous wreck for a little while but still I was pleased with how everything turned out.</div>
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This was the gallery space before the reception. I was thrilled with how well everything came together. The paintings fit the space beautifully and hanging didn't take very long at all. The poetry worked along side the artwork.<br />
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There was a lot going on in Macon Friday night so the turn out for the reception was not what I had hoped it would be. The people who did come were genuinely interested in the story behind the work, they took the time to read about each piece and asked me questions about the adoption industry. Several people were shocked by what they learned.<br />
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I spent quite a bit of time with one couple who were curious about the topic because friends of theirs were considering adopting. They had gone to agency websites and were appalled at the prices they saw there. They wanted to know what was behind it so they got an earful and a new understanding of the industry.<br />
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There were two points I wanted to get across with the exhibit. 1. Explain what the BSE was and how pregnant women were treated. 2. How and why the industry has morphed into what it is today. Maybe I only got to speak to a handful of people but if those few learned something about the other side of adoption then it was a success and well worth doing the show. It's all about awareness.<br />
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These 2 pieces were the last ones I painted. I couldn't get a good picture because of where they were hanging- there was a post in the way. These are called Adoption Situation, referring to the listings on adoption agency websites where babies are listed along with a price.<br />
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Scared and alone she reached out.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Come
with us </b>they said.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’m in a situation.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>We’ll
take good care of you</b> they said.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I can’t afford a baby.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>We
know people who can</b> they said.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I don’t know what to do.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>We’ll
help you make a “plan”</b> they said.<o:p></o:p></div>
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My family doesn’t understand.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>We
do. We can take care of that situation</b>
they said.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I don’t know if I can do this.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>You’ll
be brave and selfless</b> they said.<o:p></o:p></div>
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This looks like a nice couple.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>The
couple in the brochure is better than you</b> they said.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’ll miss my baby.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>You
love him so much you’ll let someone else raise him </b>they said.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I want time with my baby first.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>But
they need to bond with him</b> they said.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I can’t do this. I want my baby back.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Too
late, the check has been cashed</b> they
said.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br />Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-8788160523294697422016-01-31T17:52:00.000-05:002016-01-31T17:52:57.071-05:00It's really getting personalHi ya'll. Last year I talked about doing an exhibit with my Silent Voices series in Macon GA in April of '16. (Yikes, it's been that long since writing here!) Well, turns out it was on the schedule for February! So...... this week I'm delivering 15 canvases to the 567 Center for Renewal in downtown Macon. For the folks who might be in the area, the opening reception is Friday the 5th at 6pm.<br />
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Because the exhibition is happening sooner than I had planned I'm not able to add all the pieces I had hoped to- namely the ones with the stories shared by you. I hope to continue working on and adding to this series as time goes on so I do still plan on adding your stories as another element to the show. For now I'm doing well to finish painting the last canvas along with doing the other bits and pieces required for such an event.<br />
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Here you can see bits and pieces of 4 of the canvases. 15 of these 48x36 paintings take up some space in my house!</div>
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So why am I doing this? This isn't a selling show. I do portrait commissions, teach art classes and paint landscapes that sell through galleries. What's the point of borrowing a vehicle and hauling these things to another state and then a few weeks later going back to pick them up again. The point is the heart. It's a labor of love. The point is opening minds. The point is having a voice when for the majority of time mother's voices are not only overlooked but intentionally shut down- and sometimes not in a very nice way. We're just bitter and angry old ladies after all.<br />
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For the most part though, I think people just don't know. They don't understand what infant adoption means because they've been so filled with the industry propaganda of rainbows and unicorns- adoption is beautiful don't you know? I saw a meme on Facebook today that struck me as appropriate when thinking about doing this exhibit....<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIMlQnXZeFtRAsM_bwHFj4y7-630aBdNoYAKkea4q_fmckVCCJE41bHeT2TIO-BkTwcUL5dm4HPxdMJW8TgwsZuFT3ES9D8VPkLEssBckt7LIzqVqFCmVjna7S6RVQtSoHG8ykhZsA-rc/s1600/12647451_10156484696890383_7897181087573233691_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIMlQnXZeFtRAsM_bwHFj4y7-630aBdNoYAKkea4q_fmckVCCJE41bHeT2TIO-BkTwcUL5dm4HPxdMJW8TgwsZuFT3ES9D8VPkLEssBckt7LIzqVqFCmVjna7S6RVQtSoHG8ykhZsA-rc/s320/12647451_10156484696890383_7897181087573233691_n.jpg" width="216" /></a></div>
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The timing for that was perfect. Yesterday I was having a mini panic attack at the thought of putting these paintings out there. They are very personal and I've never shared them anywhere except here where I'm not face to face with anyone. It's easy to share on the internet. It's harder when you're looking a stranger in the eye and having to explain what the work means. I've been working on these canvases for a few years because I have to do these in between the projects that pay the bills so doing this show is a big deal for me. It's the culmination of a lot of time, tears, thought and therapy.<br />
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Another bit of timing that was perfect..... remember I said these canvases take up a lot of space? In the process of preparing I had to move things around the studio and office. The earlier canvases have been stored in front of a bookcase in my office for quite a while. Well, you know how the domino effect works. Once I moved them out of the way I had to clean out the bookcase- because I could. While I was sorting things I came across an old notebook. Only the first page had been written on.<br />
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It said....<br />
<i>"My roommate Lanny and I went to the drugstore down the street and bought a pregnancy test. My heart was pounding, she was trying to be supportive but all I could feel was the screaming fear pulsing in my veins. The only words going through my head were- can't be, can't be, can't be, can't be happening to me. I'm just stressed, that's why I'm late. Other little voice saying- but you've never been late before. The 'can't be' chanting continued in my head all the way back to the apartment, the hot Ft. Lauderdale sun beating me down block after block."</i><br />
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I have no idea when or why I wrote that. Maybe it was the very beginning of the notion that sharing would be a good idea. It just seemed to me to be the voice of my 19 year old self showing up just in time to remind me to keep going, to put on my big girl panties and deal with sharing these paintings- in person.<br />
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See you in Georgia.<br />
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<br />Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-41036169044810455762015-04-24T14:35:00.000-04:002015-04-24T14:35:31.786-04:00An opportunity to be heard<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A while ago I asked mothers of adoption loss if they would like to be included in this painting. I added their names and the birthdays of their lost children. Since then I've done a number of other paintings, written narrative poetry to go with the pieces and did a book called <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Silent-Voices-Carlynne-Hershberger-ebook/dp/B009IP1UAC/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1429897685&sr=1-3&keywords=carlynne+hershberger">Silent Voices</a>.<br />
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Now I have a wonderful opportunity to continue this series of work about adoption and share it with the public in an upcoming exhibit at the 567 Center for Renewal art center in Macon GA. The exhibit will be in April 2016. My plan for the exhibit includes 14 large paintings (13 of them are done, the birthday candle painting will be included), a series of collages and a display of boxes. My plan for the collage work is to include handwritten stories from other natural mothers and also have some sheets of paper that are blank so people visiting the exhibit can add their own voices to the display.<br />
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My dear mom friends out there.... would you be willing to add your voice to this exhibit? This is a chance to have our voices heard. Showing at an art center with an exhibit that focuses solely on adoption loss from the mother's point of view is a rare thing indeed. I'd love to include as many of you as possible. Let's share our stories. Too many people have no idea what infant adoption does to the original family.<br />
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If you would like to participate, let me know in the comments. You can leave your story in the comments too and I'll write it out on paper but I would love to have your hand, your touch on that paper and then I'll make it part of the collage. You don't have to write a long thing- a paragraph or two would be perfect. You could write about any aspect of adoption. How did losing a child to adoption impact your life? How has it affected the rest of your family? What were the circumstances around the adoption? Were you able to hold your baby before relinquishing? Was it a closed or open adoption? Did you have to keep the adoption secret? These are just a few ideas.....<br />
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We can get in touch through email or you can message me on FB and thank you, thank you, thank you! I hope you'll consider adding your words. It would make the exhibit so much more powerful!<br />
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<br />Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-56739362612747564682015-03-21T18:18:00.000-04:002015-03-21T18:18:13.634-04:00Childhood<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Childhood </div>
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48x36</div>
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Hand print ghosts in blue and green</div>
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fingers curl around colors</div>
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brows furrowed in concentration</div>
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making pictures never to be seen</div>
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ABC's</div>
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watercolor strokes</div>
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tulips and bees</div>
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orange suns and lollipop trees</div>
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adorn the fridge</div>
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footsteps pitter patter</div>
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paint splatters</div>
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childhood goes on in another universe</div>
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locked away from the dreaming heart</div>
<br />Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-87418959846959621192015-01-31T12:00:00.000-05:002015-01-31T13:21:56.730-05:00Speaking for us again<br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">You know..... I see <a href="https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/openness/birth-parent-grief-understanding-helping/">articles like this</a> and I go through such a range of emotions. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to punch somebody, I want to laugh, I just smh. Once again an adopter is speaking for us. Once again an adopter thinks she knows what we think, what we feel and what she thinks we should do - such as "move on" from our grief.</span><br />
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First of all, I wish they would stop calling us "birthmothers". They are mothers, I am a mother. Period. She writes of a mother's experience after giving birth....<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22.5px;"><i>"They may feel a surge of connection to him, as well as pride, sadness, and grief."</i></span><br />
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May feel? Ya think? Yeah, maybe she'll be sad that she's losing her first born child. Maybe, just maybe, she'll feel connected to this little person she just grew in her womb. The child she shares cells with, a child who carries her DNA, a child she's nurtured and loved within her body for the last 9 months. It's utterly baffling to me how people can make such statements. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22.5px;"><i>"Adoptive parents who experienced the grief of infertility may use that experience to empathize with their baby’s birth mother. One mother told her child’s birth mother at the delivery, “I am sorry you are going through so much pain. I wish I could go through labor for you.”</i></span><br />
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I've talked about this before and some people may not like what I have to say but.... gonna say it anyway. When grieving infertility the grief is real, it hurts, I get that and I'm not trying to minimize it but it's grieving what could have been- what will not happen. It's grieving an imaginary child, the child that will never be. When a mother is grieving the loss of her baby to adoption she is grieving the loss of an actual child- a living, breathing human being. They are both grief, they are both real but they are completely different. I don't know what it feels like to feel the grief of the infertile and I won't pretend to. An adopter who is infertile has no idea the level of grief a mother deals with. She can't grasp what it is to carry a child and feel that child kicking and moving within. She can't grasp the sacred connection a mother has to her own flesh and blood. She can try to empathize but she will never know. I appreciate an effort to empathize but not when she still feels entitled to take the baby from his mother.</span><br />
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"I wish I could go through labor for you"? She says she cares so much about the mother that she wishes she could go through the labor for her. BS! If she cared so much about the mother she would ask that mother what she could do for her to clear whatever obstacles are in the way of that mother taking care of her own baby! But of course that won't happen. That would interfere with her being able to take that child from the mother. She says things like this so she can show concern but still she thinks she's entitled to take the baby home and raise him as her own.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22.5px;"><i>"Following a period of emotional chaos and grief, most birth mothers reach a level of acceptance in their lives. As your child’s birth mother becomes more at peace with her decision, she may gain renewed energy for her current life, and more clarity about her role as a birth parent and her relationship to you."</i></span><br />
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Reach a level of acceptance? Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. How does she know what most mothers do? Mothers don't reach acceptance, they learn to hide the grief, they learn to hold in the tears and let them go when no one is watching, they learn to function so they can go to work everyday. In an open adoption they learn to cover up and keep silent so the adopters don't see it and decide she shouldn't have contact with her child anymore. She learns to be the good girl so she can, if she's lucky, stay in the adopters good graces because they hold all the power.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22.5px;"><i>"While each contact may reawaken some of her feelings of loss, most birth mothers report that these contacts help them to move on from the sadness and be more productive in their lives."</i></span><br />
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The loss isn't reawakened, it's always awake. Every minute of every day for the rest of a mother's life. That doesn't mean a mother doesn't have a productive and fulfilling life, even a happy one. It just means that the loss is always with her. The lost child is not replaced with the birth of more children or a fabulous career or anything else the mother might do. There is no getting around that and reunion doesn't fix it. You don't just "move on" from the loss of a child. </span><br />
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And why do they feel the need to tell us to move on? Did they just move on from the loss of their fertility? Did they say- "well it wasn't meant to be that I have children so maybe I should focus on volunteering or fostering children"? No. They jump through hoops, pay a lot of money to the industry, have business cards made that they can hand out to pregnant women who aren't wearing wedding rings, hire people to design slick full color brochures advertising themselves as better than mothers who are poor, in a bad situation or are just unsure of themselves, place ads on Craigslist and use crowd funding to get other people to help them buy a baby. </span></span><br />
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Adopters, please stop. Stop telling us to move on. Stop telling other adopters how to help mothers leave their children.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22.5px;"><br /></span>Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-260348674754865852015-01-27T20:15:00.000-05:002015-01-27T20:15:24.779-05:00Am I a hero?<a href="http://www.aleteia.org/en/society/article/birth-parents-are-the-real-heroes-of-adoption-5907693617283072">This post got me thinking....</a> am I a hero?<br />
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What does a hero look like? Does it look like a woman who is pregnant, young and not at all sure about what comes next? Does it look like someone who surrendered to pressure because she didn't have the finances or the strength to back her up? Does it look like someone who surrendered to the pressure of family and church because those people believed that having a child outside of "wedlock" was morally wrong and the child is then illegitimate and doesn't deserve to be included in the family? Does it look like someone who didn't have anywhere else to turn? Does that make me a hero?<br />
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According to the woman who wrote that post, we- meaning the mothers who bore children and were unable to keep those children-, we are heroes. What's wrong with that picture?<br />
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Not having choices does not make anyone a hero. It makes them simply choiceless. It makes them people who are doing what they have to do to survive. It makes them people who have to carry on in the face of grief that they're expected to live with regardless of how other people view the situation or how horrendous that grief is. It makes them people who carry on even though they want to just curl up in a ball and die.<br />
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Like the woman who wrote that post, the woman who adopted my daughter thanked me one day for giving her the gift of my daughter. I replied with- "she wasn't a gift, I didn't give her willingly. I was forced" There was silence on the other end of the phone. The subject was quickly changed.<br />
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Adopters are saviors and first mothers are heroes. This is what the adoption industry would have us believe. This is what they bank on. This is what keeps the bottom line healthy.<br />
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<br />Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-86010446676981130092014-12-07T13:08:00.001-05:002014-12-07T13:08:25.637-05:00This means war?!<br />
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Imbalance of Power</div>
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I haven't been here in a while. You know how it is.... life gets in the way. There are things like survival- trying to make ends meet as a self-employed artist. It's more than a full time job. Sometimes when in survival mode that's all you can deal with. That doesn't mean I don't think about adoption and how things are going in the adoption reform movement. Oh how I wish I could be more involved. I still share articles on Facebook and comment when I can. I still read and follow what's happening. Of course there's been much more of that recently because of National Adoption Awareness Month- that dreaded month that we write about, focus on and try to use to make a difference.<br />
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If you've read here before you may know that I'm not only a first mother who lost a daughter to the adoption machine but I'm also a late discovery step-parent adoptee and I'm very proud to be associated with the <a href="http://www.thelostdaughters.com/">Lost Daughters</a>. Although I think and write more from the first mother perspective, my sisters there have welcomed me with open arms. I'm so very proud of my adoptee sisters and the #flipthescript campaign and the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTGzZboJCAU">Flip the Script video</a> that has been the talk of #NAAM. If you haven't seen it yet you must check it out.<br />
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So what got me fired up and back on the blog? The push back on #flipthescript. I just read <a href="http://lovinadoptin.com/2014/11/20/the-war-on-national-adoption-month/">a gem of a post by an adoptive mother</a>. To begin, she calls the post "the war on National Adoption Month". Really? We're at war? If an adoptee talks about her experience as an adult adoptee and it doesn't conform to the industry standard of adoption propaganda, apparently thems' fightin' words. If a person who was/is adopted, talks about what it was like for her to be adopted and how complex that experience is and was for her, she's waging a war. The simple act of telling her story means she's at war? That's a bit extreme isn't it? According to the industry and it's proponents- adoption is beautiful and don't you dare say anything to the contrary. Don't you know that? Because apparently, if you talk about your own personal experience, you're making some other folks mighty uncomfortable. So uncomfortable in fact that they see it as an attack.<br />
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Her first paragraph.... and I'll answer her here since it's not likely that my comments will make it past moderation on her blog.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: open-sans-1, open-sans-2, Georgia, 'Bitstream Charter', serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25.5px;"><i>"Adoptees are “flipping the script” during National Adoption Month, sharing the other, unattractive side of adoption. It’s their right. I’m not an adoptee and can’t speak for them, but part of me doesn’t like seeing this opportunity of beauty turned into something that’s looked down upon."</i></span><br />
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"I'm not an adoptee and can't speak for them" Isn't that the point of flipping the damned script?? Adoptive parents and the industry professionals have had the floor for decades. It's about time the other people who live and breath adoption- the adoptees and the natural mothers- have a say. No, you're not an adoptee so you have no idea what an adoptee feels about adoption. You have hearsay, you have anecdotes by others, you have stories you've heard, you have your experience with your child who is not yet an adult with adult views. There is no triad in adoption. There are 4 sides and only 2 of them have had the country's ear until now- the adoption industry and the adoptive parents.<br />
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<i>"Why is it beautiful? Because I can separate what my children went through, their abuse, neglect, and trauma, from their adoption. What they went through before foster care, I would compare with hell, what they went through while visiting their bio parents while in foster care wasn’t much better, but now we see new lives, new people emerging. Beauty."</i><br />
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">What you see as beauty, your adopted child may see differently. This is beautiful for you. Maybe you can separate it but can your child? This is your child's history. For one thing... why are you sharing such personal details of your child's history with the world? This is his story, his to share when he is ready. If he's ready at all, ever. It's not up to you. It's not your life. When he is an adult, his view of adoption may be vastly different than yours and that's ok.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: open-sans-1, open-sans-2, Georgia, 'Bitstream Charter', serif; line-height: 25.5px;"><i>"That’s why “flipping the script” on adoption day is so painful. The world is taking what is often a positive event and turning the tables, focusing on those who don’t feel it was a good thing for them."</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">No, they're focusing on the voices of adopted people, period. That's the point. Whether that person's story is happy, sad, angry, or a mix of all of those, the point of flip the script is to give them the opportunity to use their voice and be heard- be heard without being interrupted by the people in the equation who are the beneficiaries of a corrupt and unethical system.</span></div>
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<i>"Those who are "flipping the script" aren't adoptees who are happy and content with their adoption experience, they're the ones who are angered, feel like something was done to them. The ones who feel they were ripped from their first family, from their country, are hurt by positive adoption language."</i></div>
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Every adoption begins with loss and pain no matter how you slice it or how much positive adoption language you want to throw at it. That PAL was developed by the adoption industry and put into place for a reason- to separate mothers from their babies. That is the sole function of the new words - to describe what is a tragedy in more palatable terms. </div>
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The "angry adoptee". This is the most common argument thrown at adoptees (and mothers of loss). "You're just angry and bitter". Damn straight I'm angry. Does that mean I'm an angry person? No. My life is just fine but that doesn't mean I shouldn't talk about the experiences I've had and how they've affected me. And, under the circumstances, anger is a perfectly normal reaction to experiences that were beyond our control. We take back our control now by using that anger in a positive and constructive way. </div>
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ALL adoptees have been taken from their original families in one way or another, whether taken forcefully because of abuse or taken from a new mother through coercion or by the courts legally severing all connection with the family through sealed birth records. As an adoptive parent you feel adoption is beautiful. That's great for you but don't diminish or dismiss what adopted people have to say about their life experience. </div>
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<i>"The adoptees who aren't speaking out (and far outnumber those who are calling out adoption) are <b>the ones who are satisfied in life</b>, the ones who accept their adoptive family as their own, ones who've found their birth family and either have a good relationship with them or have decided to let it be."</i></div>
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And here I just have to say- IMO- you're wrong. The vast majority of adoptees I know who are speaking out, are simply trying to make a difference for future adoptees. They ARE satisfied in life. They just want people to understand that adoption is far more complex than what the industry wants the public to believe. They're trying to balance out the narrative so it can be understood that there is more to the story than the story of the happy adoptive parents and the well payed adoption professionals.</div>
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<i>"I don't want to belittle anyones experience, after all, it's their own. I can't speak as an adoptee. Maybe there should be separate months, one for National Adoption Month and a month for adoptees to share their feelings, like an Adoptee Awareness Month."</i></div>
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You want to give adoptees a month to speak? How generous. Why should we separated? Haven't we had enough separation as it is??? Hasn't the mic been monopolized by the most powerful voices already? I also deal with this idea as a mother of loss. We have "Birthmother's Day" which I refuse to acknowledge. I celebrate my motherhood on Mother's Day along with all the other mothers. I was still a mother after my daughter was taken from me and I'm still an adoptee the other 11 months of the year. Don't tell me when I can speak.</div>
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<br />Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-12143070863151014642014-05-03T19:19:00.001-04:002014-05-04T10:13:19.402-04:00Savior Complex<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu68QTywp5mvAkQsVfvpEkvaM7FKUFoazRiz4f4MJ0OwtVnzT9lIngHQxDspIVyWwVf-g-G1sOOHWEBAzIY33HmLa_2NJcbpcvlvBVJetHJEejtArTQOlFLlQHBDoXyZsZgL8tx1WfMBY/s1600/Savior+Complex.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu68QTywp5mvAkQsVfvpEkvaM7FKUFoazRiz4f4MJ0OwtVnzT9lIngHQxDspIVyWwVf-g-G1sOOHWEBAzIY33HmLa_2NJcbpcvlvBVJetHJEejtArTQOlFLlQHBDoXyZsZgL8tx1WfMBY/s1600/Savior+Complex.jpg" height="400" width="295" /></a></div>
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Today I finished this latest piece in the Silent Voices series. Only a handful of people have seen it as I was working on it. I was told it was - creepy but effective and potentially offensive. I guess they're both right. I don't think I could've painted an image like this years ago. We all go through stages of development and healing when dealing with issues about adoption. At the beginning of the series I was painting as a catharsis. It was my own personal therapy. As the series progressed it became more about a statement on infant adoption in general.</div>
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When I started sketching for this piece I think I had <a href="http://kathrynjoyce.com/">Kathryn Joyce's book The Child Catchers</a> in the back of my head. If you haven't read it, it's an important read. I highly recommend it.</div>
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Infant adoption is seen as such an idyllic institution. People love the idea of saving babies. Who wouldn't? And it gets better.... not only do they see adoption as saving little babies, they see it as saving the baby's mother from a life of shame and drudgery, limited opportunities and poverty. Of course religious folk are gonna jump all over that. They're encouraged by their pastors and consider it a mission. Some focus their mission here in the United States and some go overseas to bring babies back to what they consider to be a much superior country.</div>
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What does that say to the international adoptees when they grow up? Do they consider their lost culture to be inferior? And what are they saving the domestic adoptees from? In days past children of single mothers were considered bastards. People truly thought they were saving a child from the stigma of being illegitimate. That's not the case anymore so what is it? Some claim it's from a life of abuse or neglect. And they would know that how? Maybe if she had some support and the opportunity to raise her child she could be an excellent mother. </div>
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Being young does not equal bad. Unmarried does not equal bad. Young and unmarried does not automatically equal abusive and neglectful.</div>
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The comments I see from people are the typical..... "well it's better than the baby ending up in a dumpster". If they take the baby away from his mother right away, they can save the child from certain death. Why is this the view? Is this a hold over from the old days of unwed pregnant girls being considered mentally unstable and neurotic? Exactly how does putting a ring on a finger suddenly make a woman mentally stable and capable of mothering?</div>
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So, in the process of <i>saving</i> the baby, the baby is traumatized. The baby grows up with a feeling of abandonment and no knowledge of her beginnings - in the case of closed adoption. And in the case of open adoption (we know that 80% of those close in the first couple of years) she has knowledge of her history but is still left with the feeling of abandonment. In both cases, in the majority of states, her birth records are sealed, hidden from her and she's treated as a second class citizen.</div>
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Now what happens to the mother who is <i>saved</i> from this burdened life of motherhood? She is left with a lifetime of grieving that can in some cases become debilitating. It can lead to a life of depression, anxiety and sometimes even suicide. </div>
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The two people who are supposedly saved don't seem to be faring all that well. But... the infant adoption industry seems to do just fine when all this saving is going on. They're making some good money. The adoptive parents seem to be doing just fine. They're growing their family and scoring some religious points in the process. The industry loves to encourage this, it's good for their bottom line and the churches love to encourage this because it brings more followers which is good for their collection plate.</div>
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In the meantime, the babies and mothers are the ones sacrificed at the altar of greed.</div>
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<br />Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-69494268004735303762014-04-18T09:15:00.000-04:002014-04-18T09:15:58.499-04:00I Could Breathe Again<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ9ujxosprPfQGTjepxuUAjTeS8zgrWRU8lVPpPtRwf6QVUkftwOyqteHP7pWf9V7cNYl9EqQt1ONHMyLpSzfWvm4atiDOIbuMDcDGXXhf1mG03JtWAhUYZCurjfu6R8eKNZxAhNjnWr4/s1600/I+could+breathe+again.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ9ujxosprPfQGTjepxuUAjTeS8zgrWRU8lVPpPtRwf6QVUkftwOyqteHP7pWf9V7cNYl9EqQt1ONHMyLpSzfWvm4atiDOIbuMDcDGXXhf1mG03JtWAhUYZCurjfu6R8eKNZxAhNjnWr4/s1600/I+could+breathe+again.jpg" height="400" width="293" /></a></div>
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I Could Breathe Again</div>
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I've been working on this painting all week. It's the next one in the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Silent-Voices-Carlynne-Hershberger-ebook/dp/B009IP1UAC/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1397822407&sr=8-3&keywords=carlynne+hershberger">Silent Voices</a> series and is about the day I met my daughter for the first time.<br />
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Today is my daughter's 34th birthday and yesterday was the 11th anniversary of the first time we met face to face. We first reunited in 2002 but we didn't actually meet until 2003. It's hard to believe it's been so long. The memory of seeing her for the first time is so permanently etched in my brain. I think I held my breath for the entire flight to Ohio.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6HjPKPgjEAsvXv7r4h4AJveFA3LX-oBL_KaC9htC10w01_e1PNSn_nYEJT2AAX5RCIZh4EWtF92rjW3bu_aYlfq5YMWrzY0uh4KuYD41yUT49qY6g7Ez2EMWH5CiIMa9v9G3Kswv2VOU/s1600/reunion+April+17+2003.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6HjPKPgjEAsvXv7r4h4AJveFA3LX-oBL_KaC9htC10w01_e1PNSn_nYEJT2AAX5RCIZh4EWtF92rjW3bu_aYlfq5YMWrzY0uh4KuYD41yUT49qY6g7Ez2EMWH5CiIMa9v9G3Kswv2VOU/s1600/reunion+April+17+2003.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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first hug</div>
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That night I wrote in my journal....</div>
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<i>Well today has been many years in the making. I met my daughter for the first time. What a long day. I'ts been - up at 4:30 to get ready for the airport, 2 hour flight leaving at noon. Nothing can compare to the feeling of putting my arms around her for the first time. The relief was amazing - I could breathe again. When I got off the plane and made my way through the airport I thought I would faint! I couldn't breathe. I could hardly walk. I didn't see them up by the gates so I made it down to baggage claim. I spotted Josh first, then Cindy - oh my gosh - what a hug, and there were many more to come. Then I turned around and there she was - my Liz. She was just standing there smiling. I ran to her and then I just couldn't let go. We stood there for the longest time hugging and crying while Cindy ran around in circles shooting pictures and Sam handed us tissues. When I finally let go I couldn't take my eyes off her. Cindy was amazed at how much alike we look. She said we look like we belong together. Amy said we have some very similar expressions and mannerisms. </i></div>
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<i>So from the airport we went to get food. By this point the nerves had settled and we all got very hungry. Without knowing it I ordered Liz's favorite meal - meatloaf, mashed potatoes and green beans. She said she had Cindy make it for her every birthday. Cindy cracked up when she heard my order.</i></div>
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The day we met really did feel like the first day I took a breath. It wasn't just the anxiety sitting on my chest and crushing me that day at the airport. When I finally put my arms around her it felt like I had been holding my breath for decades and at that moment I could finally take in air - as much as I wanted, expanding my lungs fully. I had been shallow breathing all that time and now I can take a deep, deep breath. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-i8lRL_BMZg8CORNNMBuWwR0-5I8nUJ_F2396SmOy-coNIcX8hnYnEnfq6vcrE0ORzBB0vXPqk3regWRWyDPTlP6hgDI3wHd83ZbHIHIyh-oxRkX8SKNkvaobQpSkwLHsi4pthvMbEaE/s1600/me+and+Liz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-i8lRL_BMZg8CORNNMBuWwR0-5I8nUJ_F2396SmOy-coNIcX8hnYnEnfq6vcrE0ORzBB0vXPqk3regWRWyDPTlP6hgDI3wHd83ZbHIHIyh-oxRkX8SKNkvaobQpSkwLHsi4pthvMbEaE/s1600/me+and+Liz.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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Easter Sunday 2003</div>
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Do you remember the feeling when giving birth? - the hours of contractions, unrelenting pain and pressure, pushing and sweating, crowning, head pushes out and then shoulder and then finally the small body slips out and suddenly there's such a rush of relief. The agony is released and you go limp. The experience of meeting her was like birthing her a second time. The pressure had been building for decades, the emotion of waiting and wondering was constantly flowing in waves like the pain. The grief hitting like the tears released between contractions. And then all of a sudden - it's over. I could relax and look at her, touch her, talk to her.</div>
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It was the end of a phase and the beginning of a new one. It was the end of the unknown and the joyful beginning of a relationship. It was also the beginning of a new understanding of what was lost to both of us. Reunion brings with it a new set of bags to carry. They're still the adoption bags but the weight has shifted a little. I could breathe again but the grief is still there. I don't think that ever goes away. Then there is the learning curve of how to fit into each other's lives. I think we've done pretty well. There are ups and downs, quiet times to get through, distance to deal with but I'm grateful.</div>
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I'm grateful I get to say Happy Birthday to her. </div>
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<br />Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-47465018281326147972014-01-02T20:34:00.000-05:002014-01-02T20:34:54.665-05:00The Ripple Effect<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6R6o2fIp2H6nOZMEIN4HI0v9KFXc_Z-T9MOzplj4jr3T32AavIxfUxSy6Z5u4DCZu_-ya3wJMIX0XEE9HzfB7laCfUU7pCF9JUnkCJdbhpUyLKlB_dhboWuyXkb-oElDxOkI8ffo48eE/s1600/ripple+effect.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6R6o2fIp2H6nOZMEIN4HI0v9KFXc_Z-T9MOzplj4jr3T32AavIxfUxSy6Z5u4DCZu_-ya3wJMIX0XEE9HzfB7laCfUU7pCF9JUnkCJdbhpUyLKlB_dhboWuyXkb-oElDxOkI8ffo48eE/s400/ripple+effect.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">photo credit: tried to find the original artist who posted this but could only trace it back to <a href="http://www.deviantart.com/">deviant art</a>. If anyone knows who created it please let me know.</span></div>
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It's a new year. It's 2014 and I reunited with my daughter in 2002. That's a pretty good amount of time. Much has happened since then. Reunion continues to be an interesting journey. Sometimes good, sometimes painful, sometimes ecstatically joyous, all the time better than the years before when I was left hanging in the limbo of not knowing anything. The good times are the visits, the phone calls, the Facebook messages that say "love you too momma" or "Happy Birthday momma" or "Happy Mother's Day momma". Those are the times cherished. The painful times are the silent times. Times when she can't talk to me. Times when I know she's going through something but she's too far away for me to know exactly what that is and too far for me to do anything to help her.<br />
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The effects of adoption don't stop with reunion, they just change. <b>The ripple continues.</b> Everything shifts from the <i>"not knowing"</i> pain to the <i>"this is what I lost"</i> pain to the <i>"I'm so freaking pissed off at the adoption industry"</i> pain to the <i>"my daughter suffered because of the industry"</i> pain to the <i>"my other 2 children also lost because of the industry"</i> pain which brings me back to the <i>"I'm so freaking pissed off at the adoption industry"</i> pain.<br />
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So now.... me and my mother are in therapy. <b>The ripple continues.</b> <a href="http://oneoptionnochoice.blogspot.com/2013/09/just-thinking.html">I've talked about it before</a>. It's been a very long road with her but I do have to say..... things are improving. She's understanding me better. I'm understanding her better. We're a little more comfortable around each other. Things are relaxing. She's coming to grips with her history and why she reacted to my pregnancy the way she did and has even asked for forgiveness and I'm working on the "forgiving her" end of it. These are very good things. I know for many of my mothers of adoption loss friends, this is a road that couldn't be traveled for a variety of reasons - some reasons they could control and some they couldn't. There was a time I nearly divorced myself from my parents because of my daughter's adoption. At times I wondered why I didn't or thought maybe I should have. Now I'm glad I didn't walk away from my family.<br />
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I didn't walk away because I wanted my "raised" children to have grandparents. My grandparents were incredibly important to me. I adored them and the feeling was mutual. Of course it helped that I was the only grandchild for 7 years. Can you say spoiled? I wanted my children to have that experience and my parents HAVE been really wonderful grandparents. I couldn't deprive my children of their grandparents because of what I had been through with them. It wouldn't be fair to them. They've already lost enough in losing their sister and losing the mother I could've been to them if I hadn't been through the adoption experience- <b>there's that ripple thing again</b> - the effect adoption had on my mothering of my other children. And of course, my oldest daughter lost the experience of these grandparents. Yes, she had her adoptive grandparents but how would her life have been different had she been raised in her own tribe, with her original family? <b>Huge "what if" ripple.</b><br />
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Ok, where was I.... reasons I'm glad I didn't walk away.... the other big reason was because I didn't want to lose my little sister. How would I see her again? I couldn't walk away from her. My sister is 7 years younger than me. When I got pregnant with my oldest child my sister was only 12 years old. When my parents found out about my pregnancy they said I was the one who had to tell her. So I did. Of course she reacted like any 12 year old would - she said ok and then asked me about something else. I don't remember what it was exactly but it was probably something like - what's for dinner? 12 year olds don't grasp what's happening in a situation like that. They're completely self-absorbed and that's ok because that's how they're supposed to be at that age. Even so.... I knew I couldn't walk away from her. We may have grown up feeling like we had separate lives because of the age difference. We may have fought like siblings do. We may not have had much in common when we were growing up but she's my sister.<br />
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When she grew up and became a mom herself she questioned why things happened the way they did. <b>The ripple effect continues.</b> It did have an effect on her. She's seen the tension between me and our mother. She's been there for the reunion, supported me, listened to me cry. And now she's here supporting me and our mother through therapy. I'm so glad I didn't walk away. She's my little sis and I can't imagine my life without her.<br />
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Fast forward to the present. It's the holidays and my children are visiting. My youngest daughter is a new mom. Her son will celebrate his very first birthday this weekend. We had some quiet time to talk a couple of nights ago. We talked about what it was like for her to be raised by me in the aftermath of her sister's adoption. At one point she said that after finding out about her sister being adopted out she decided she wanted to adopt. The first thing my heart felt was horror. How could she want to do something like that considering what I went through and what her sister has gone through. <b>The ripple effect continues.</b><br />
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Then she explained. What she knew at the time as a teenager was that her sister wasn't with us and she was part of another family. Her sister couldn't be with us so she was glad someone was out there taking care of her for us. She wanted to be that someone for another child who couldn't be cared for by their own mother. That's understandable. My girl has a big heart. Then she got older and learned more. She saw the effect that adoption had on me. She learned more about how the industry works. She learned about the supply and demand end of the business. She learned about price lists and profits. She became a mother and then the pain of adoption became unfathomable. She hurt for me. <b>The ripple effect continues.</b><br />
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I see the same pain in my son's eyes. I know he hurts for me too. When I first told him about his sister and what happened, he cried. My boy as a young teen, felt the pain. He was hurt by adoption. His sister was taken from him. He felt that loss and he saw the effect it had on me. Now as a father of two girls he can't fathom how people can take babies away from their parents in the name of adoption. <b>The ripple effect continues.</b><br />
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I don't want my children to hurt for me. It's not supposed to be that way. I don't want to see pain in their eyes because of something done to me so many years ago. It hurts my heart to see my children in pain but the legacy of adoption continues. <b>The ripple effect goes on and on.</b><br />
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It's not only parents losing children and children losing parents. Grandparents lose grandchildren. Children lose grandparents. Aunts lose nieces and nephews. Children lose their history. Siblings lose each other. Adult adoptees lose their voices and origins.<br />
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Infant adoption. It's not what the industry wants you to believe it to be. Pay attention to <b>the ripple effect. </b>There is no such thing as "normal" after adoption. You don't return to a normal life. There is no normal family life after adoption. Everyone in the family is affected. Every. Single. Person. Not just the adoptee. Not just the mother who lost a child. Not just the father who lost a child. It affects the grandparents. It affects the siblings. It affects the spouses of the people who lost their family member. It affects the children of the people who lost their family member. It affects the relationship between all of these people who lost someone to the adoption industry. It's an insidious industry and the ripple effect goes on for generations.<br />
<br />Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138721004042487054.post-77430124904814083292013-12-13T21:32:00.000-05:002013-12-13T21:32:30.572-05:00Just sharingThis was shared on Facebook.<br />
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<a href="http://www.faithit.com/couple-sees-son-first-time-reaction-is-beautiful/" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Adopting couple sees their purchase for the first time</a><br />
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(that's just my take on it - the whole "sees their purchase for the first time". They see it as seeing "their" son for the first time)<br />
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Yes, this is supposed to be a beautiful thing. People get weepy. They praise the Lord. They talk about how it's meant to be. Sorry. I just can't go there. Like I posted on Facebook... I have such a hard time with stories like this. I understand that they want a family but they are literally praying FOR a child to lose his family, FOR a family to lose a child, FOR a child to lose his medical history, FOR a child to lose his heritage and genetic history. They are praying for all this in order to fulfill THEIR wants and needs. Is that the Christian thing to do? What about the needs of the child? Where was his mother in all this? We don't hear anything about her at all. Was she coerced by the very corrupt for-profit multi-billion dollar adoption industry? Could there have been other family members willing to step up so he could remain with his own people? Are they willing to keep a connection with people who are related to him? Are they ready to deal with the questions this adoptee will have later about where he comes from and who he is?<br />
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Like I said..... I just can't go there. I can't deal with people who are so wrapped up in their own desires that they can't see beyond them. If they have such a need to take care of children, why didn't they adopt one of the many, many children in foster care who are in desperate need of a place to call home? Why did they become one of the many couples who create the demand in a supply and demand business? It's the demand of newborns that creates the business of newborn infant adoption/aka/human trafficking. Without the demand there would be no price lists/aka adoption situations. Yes, it's a business and it's a very sad business.<br />
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I don't know what to do about it except keep talking about it. I'd love to just tell people like this to go get a dog from the shelter. If you have a need to take care of a being- then take care of that being's needs and stop worrying about your own. If it's really and truly coming from your heart (and your god) then you will be focused on the needs of the other person and not so much on your own needs.<br />
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<br />Carlynne Hershberger, CPSAhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01365785230628216814noreply@blogger.com2