Thursday, December 15, 2011

A PAP is asking....



I just read a blog post that made me smile. That's something I needed too. I've been having a hard time with the whole spirit of Christmas thing this year. Just not feeling it. The last few months have been an emotional struggle for a variety of reasons. That's why I haven't been posting here much. It's also why I haven't been reading much about adoption. There's only so much heartbreak I can handle before I have to take a step back, take a breather and then jump in again. Anyway, last night I finally got lights on the Christmas tree and my son and granddaughter come over to help me decorate. What a great time I had showing a little 18 month old how to put ornaments on the branches. Watching her toddle back and forth between the box of ornaments and the tree while learning to say the name of each one was such a kick! Nothing like an adorable little girl to light up my spirit again.

So back to the post that made me smile..... A PAP was asking where the babies are.

"We have her name picked out. We are ready to go. Except for one thing..... there are no babies up for adoption with either agency. There are not even any pregnant women/girls considering adoption with either agency. HUH????"

I think that's the first time I've read something adoption related that made me want to go woo hoo!! There are no babies available? The supply dried up? Excellent! I can just hear the agencies now...the demand is there so why aren't they producing? We have families here ready to give us a lot of money! Families have taken second mortgages, held fund raisers, borrowed and begged from friends and family, paid for advertising, did the home studies, taken cute photos with their dogs and picket fences, filled out tons of paperwork and yet there's no product to buy.

Yesterday someone asked me - but what about the couples who can't have children and want them? My response to my friend was "that doesn't entitle them to someone else's baby". So, what about those couples? They should have no bearing whatsoever on the issue of newborn infant adoption. I know that may sound harsh and my friend probably thought I sounded harsh too but as another friend said - "If someone lost their leg in an accident that doesn't mean it's someone else's job to cut off their leg and give it to them." Yes, there is a lot of pain for these waiting couples. I understand that and I'm sure most of them are perfectly wonderful and loving people. But, their wants do drive the market and the agencies are there ready and willing to give these couples that sense of entitlement. The agency is anxious to hold their hand and feign concern all the while taking lots of money from their other hand.

"I had a long conversation with my adoption coordinator last week. She is just as stunned in the low number of adoptions as we are. While I hope that number is lowering for positive reasons, it's hard to say. When I asked her what she thinks may be a contributing factor to such few children being placed for adoption, she said the MTV show "16 & Pregnant" is definitely NOT helping by glamorizing teen parents."

Really? Does she really think that a TV show is causing the number of available babies to drop? I also hope it's dropping for positive reasons. Reasons like better education about birth control, more people seeing through the lies of the agencies, more education about the damage that separating a mother and child does to both mother and child, more families stepping up and helping their family members, more people fighting for family preservation.

"Our only real conviction is that we are to adopt a GIRL. My dreams have been about a girl. I want another girl. Our boys want a girl. My baby girl wants a girl. My husband just wants me to be happy. So we are unanimous on the "girl" part."

It's all about what they want. Their wants have blinded them to the tragedy that's at the heart of how adoption comes about. Their gain begins with a terrible loss for an entire family. Wishing for babies to be free for adoption means wishing for other people to grieve for a lifetime. The news that there are no babies available at 2 agencies is sad for this woman but encouraging to me. It's another little something to lift my spirits this holiday season.

18 comments:

  1. I'm sort of loving blogland this week. You've probably already read this: http://iadoptee.blogspot.com/2011/12/please-read-this.html

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  2. I did see it and shared it on FB. It's a fabulous post!

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  3. OMG - YAY! No babies for the greedy PAPs - WAHOO!

    Can I say this couple has three children already and don't need "a baby girl"! WTF! I am actually glad that they can't find a baby.... the whole idea of these self-important, self-entitled people raising some poor little girl in their zoo of 'gimmees' makes my skin crawl

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  4. Most excellent news and an excelling post. I loved the analogy about cutting off a leg.

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  5. Funny this keeps coming up: "It's all about what they want" OF COURSE IT IS! I hear pregnant women all the time say things like "I hope it's a girl!" I even had a friend who cried and cried at the dr office because she wanted a boy so bad. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with adoption! It has NOTHING to do with them being vile, selfish aparents. Women who want to become pregnant WANT a baby. WANT to raise a child. Why is it when someone who cant have children themselves WANTS that same thing, they are attacked for it being all about them?! I just don't get it.

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    1. Because when you're a pregnant woman, what you're wanting is your own child that was created in your body. When you're a PAP, and you want a baby, you are wanting someone else's child. You can't understand the difference?

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  6. To Lori - Would you say that to a person who has experienced pregnancy loss (say, 30 weeks along, 4th child) "Can I say this couple has three children already and don't need "a baby girl"! WTF! I am actually glad that they can't [deliver] a baby.... the whole idea of these self-important, self-entitled people raising some poor little girl in their zoo of 'gimmees' makes my skin crawl"??

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    1. Again, not the same thing. You're just as bad as the people who can't see the difference between abortion and killing a newborn. It's like the woman's body (and the women herself) does not exist at all to you people. Why is that?

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  7. Anonymous, I'm sensing a lot of pain with your post and I'm sorry for that. When I was pregnant with my 3rd child I wished for a girl because I was raising a boy. I didn't ask to find out the sex of the baby ahead of time because it really wasn't THAT important. Yes, it would be nice to have a boy and a girl but if I had 2 boys then great! That's fine too. All I wanted was healthy babies. I wasn't shopping for a baby. I wasn't placing an order which is what so many PAP's are doing. And, yes it has everything to do with adoption. There is nothing wrong with wanting a family. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be pregnant and raising a child. There is something wrong however with someone placing an order for a child who belongs with someone else.

    Children are not commodities. They are people who have the right to be raised in their family of origin. They have the right to know where they come from. They have the right to have original birth certificates that have truthful information on them. They have the right to grow up in the country they were born in and the culture that gives them their heritage. They have the right to their truth and mothers have the right to raise their own children without pressure from adoption agencies or a society that tells them that they are not good enough to be mothers. Lack of financial support should not be a reason to take a child away from his mother!!!! This is the reasoning used all the time. Women are told all the time that they can't provide the same "stuff" that others can provide. Coercion is alive and well in this country. Children want to be with their mothers, they don't care about stuff.

    What about the wants of the adoptee? What about the 100,000 + children who are sitting in foster care who ARE available for adoption. What about them? Why is it that PAP's are so eager to shell out thousands for a newborn (a created orphan) when there are literally thousands of children available who REALLY need homes and won't cost much at all? So you tell me, what should adoption be about?

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  8. Anon.....
    There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a child. However, there is something wrong with complaining that there isn't a supply of babies available or that not enough pregnant women are considering adoption. Adoption is everywhere and well advertised in our society. People know it is an option. Fewer babies being adopted is a result of GOOD things such as increased supports for parents, destigmatization of single parenthood, and the increased availability of health care services to women such as birth control. It's also an indicator that family members are stepping up and grandparents rights are being respected.

    These are GOOD things. Not things to complain about. It is not OK to complain that more children aren't being born into dire situations and losing their families just so someone can adopt.

    Adoption is about finding homes for children who need them; it is not a service to find children for parents. Children, as Carlynne has already said, are not commodities to be passed along to the highest bidder. According to UNICEF, it is the basic human right of every single child to be raised in his or her own biological family if and whenever possible. The human rights of children come first in adoption--nothing else.

    And whether biological or adoption, I disagree with the genderizing of children, especially before they are even born. Gender identity is as unique as each and every single person that walks the planet. What "girl" means to one person means something completely different to someone else. All children and adults should be free to grow into their own identities, not fulfill the ideals their parents hold. What happens if someone who adopts to get a girl adopts a person who is intersexed? lesbian? or otherwise falling under the umbrellas of transgender or queer? Parents, ALL parents, should respect the identities of their children and love them for who they are, not cast a specific role for them that they must fulfill.

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  9. biological or adoptive parenting* rather

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  10. Best news I have heard in a long time. Thanks for this bit of holiday cheer! makes my day!

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  11. I too feel for people who cannot easily give birth to their biological children. It is very sad and can feel like a tragedy. But I can tell you for sure that this is not a tragedy, it is a loss and a huge disapointment but it does not equal the loss of a child through adoption. That is a real tragedy. The pain caused by the inabilty to ever become a parent is not equal to how it feels to have a child (through birth or adoption) who is seriously ill or how it feels to have a child die.

    When a couple places an order for someone else's child and stipulates that that child should be a girl (how about blond hair and blue eyes), then it is not at all about giving a home to a needy child, it's all about them and, not even their needs, but their wants. We all will experience serious disappointments in our lifetime and some real tragedies. If this was really about a child who needed a home, the prospective parent would not care what age, gender, or coloring the child had. If a prospective parent really wanted to help a child and not just fulfill their own desires, they would adopt a child from foster care in this country. There are many, both genders, all ages, colors and sizes.

    With fewer children being relinguished to adoption, there are fewer tragedies of separation of parents and chilren and disruption of families. I for one, am thrilled about this. I hope it continues until there are never any babies separated from their mothers.

    I am the adoptive mother of a relative who, through a real tragedy, needed a new home. I would break my own heart to give my daughter the gift of not having to feel the pain of separation from her first mother.

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  12. Adoption is supposed to be about finding families for children who need them. If that were really the case, lower adoption rates would be aimed for and celebrated.

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  13. "But I can tell you for sure that this is not a tragedy, it is a loss and a huge disapointment but it does not equal the loss of a child through adoption."

    It's not a good idea to compare the two.

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  14. Anything that lowers the rate of babies being available for adoption is a good thing is it not? All my good mates have said it all already, only left for me to agree.

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  15. My thought on all this is that a "want" is not grounds for placing an order for someone else's baby. There are a myriad of children in foster care because of parents who won't or can't parent. If folks REALLY want to give a child who needs a home, love, caring and a family, stop asking for gender specific babies and take a child already in the system.

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  16. Greatest news,since the FIOM (Dutch Pro-Choice Crisis Pregnancy Assistance), made sure to offer long-stay foster care as a seperate option besides keeping, abortion and adoption.

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